# Welcome to me. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 26, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211 "2004-05-26T18:12:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/21 "2004-05-26T19:49:54Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Once you reach a thousand posts, you get your own masseuse. I thought we got a free continental breakfast after 1000 posts? [sub]Still waiting on mine…[/sub] 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Grey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Grey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grey)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/22 "2004-05-26T19:58:50Z")
We do but it’s based on GMT. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/23 "2004-05-26T20:03:51Z")
I don’t want a masseuse. I want a masseur. And I want him to be 22, with dark hair, strong forearms and hands, clean-shaven, tanned . . . what were we talking about? ---
**Author:** ![P\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a587f6/32.png) [@P\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P_T)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/24 "2004-05-26T20:05:22Z")
> [@pugluvr](#): > > I don’t want a masseuse. I want a masseur. And I want him to be 22, with dark hair, strong forearms and hands, clean-shaven, tanned . . . > > what were we talking about? Ok, address please? ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/25 "2004-05-26T20:11:00Z")
> [@P\_T\_](#): > > And apparently nothing for your math skills. :smack: See, after a mere 5 posts you’ve already had your first whoosh! Is this place great of what? Re: The breakfasts. My masseuse serves them to me. You guys not getting this kind of treatment? ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/26 "2004-05-26T20:20:49Z")
> [@P\_T\_](#): > > So, can we pick our own masseuse? I’d like a swedish girl named Inga. Sorry, you’ll have settle for a Dutch guy named Coldfire. (His hands are gentle yet oh so rough.) ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/27 "2004-05-26T20:29:18Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Sorry, you’ll have settle for a Dutch guy named Coldfire. You are SO gonna get a clog up the butt for that… ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/28 "2004-05-26T20:31:13Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > You are SO gonna get a clog up the butt for that… Sorry, that perk doesn’t happen until your 5000th post. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/29 "2004-05-26T20:32:16Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > You are SO gonna get a clog up the butt for that… Also known as the “deluxe” package… ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/30 "2004-05-26T20:34:38Z")
\ **Binarydrooooooooonnnnnnnnne**!\ ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/31 "2004-05-26T20:36:05Z")
\ **Ha Ha!** \ ---
**Author:** ![Chairman\_Pow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Chairman\_Pow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chairman_Pow)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/32 "2004-05-26T20:36:55Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Well, for starters, this place is populated by folks that will graciously tell you that you’ve posted in the wrong forum. This should probably be in MPSIMS, just as an FYI. > > That being said, welcome to the boards. > > And yes, you can say “fuck” here. > > Fuck. > > see? Don’t mislead the poor kid, you can only say fuck in this forum. ---
**Author:** ![Aldebaran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Aldebaran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aldebaran)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/33 "2004-05-26T20:37:08Z")
I hesitate if I would tell this to an innocent newbie… Oh well… It shall be discovered anyway before his free month is over. P\_T… _There is currently no other US based message board where you can admire the shining presence of this brilliant red star._ I know it shall take a while for you to overcome the shock, yet as you can witness yourself, all the others have and remained alive. Salaam. A ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/34 "2004-05-26T21:05:09Z")
> [@Chairman Pow](#): > > Don’t mislead the poor kid, you can only say fuck in this forum. Incorrect. ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/35 "2004-05-26T21:08:57Z")
> [@pugluvr](#): > > I don’t want a masseuse. I want a masseur. And I want him to be 22, with dark hair, strong forearms and hands, clean-shaven, tanned . . Well, you see if you didn’t take advantage of the offer between post 1,000 and post 2,000 you lose that Straight Dope benefit, however, you are still eligible to be slathered down with lard by an old hairy Armenian (I’m told she’s a very nice person). ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/36 "2004-05-26T21:34:49Z")
A masseuse? A continental breakfast? I’ve not seen either. Maybe the masseuse skipped town with my breakfast. The bastard! ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/37 "2004-05-26T22:14:25Z")
It’s worth the bucks just to occasionally watch Lynn Bodoni (She Who Must Not Be Fucked With) do the lockdown boogie all over some poor sod who didn’t read the rules. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/38 "2004-05-26T22:26:30Z")
All I know is, that when I reached 2000 posts, burly men bearing beer and cookies appeared at my front door for a two week bacchanal. I just now am able to walk again. Oh, and **my** breakfast was a hot breakfast buffet with a chef who made belgian waffles to order. So there! 😛 Welcome P\_T\_. You are being drawn into an addiction that will permeate every fiber of your being. You will writhe in agony whenever you can’t get your “Dope Fix” on time. **MWWWWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!** Another victim for you Mistress **Lynn Bodoni**. Oh, I almost forgot. FUCK! ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/39 "2004-05-26T22:34:33Z")
> [@P\_T\_](#): > > Please answer in 12 words or less. The blowjobs are great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Blowjobs. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211/40 "2004-05-26T22:41:32Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > You wish, kid. It’s like the games at the carnival. At 1,000 you start out with a massively obese sweaty Armenian named Mitch. You get Mitch and his twin brother Carl at 2,000, and you can trade them in for Marge at 3,000. My advice is hold out for 5,000, where can trade in Carl and Mitch and your 3,000 post credit for Roger. Roger may have some open sores and really bad breathe, but his hands are healing hands. > > You get Inga after 128,000 posts and only if Tuba has yet to yell at you. Good luck! Didn’t **Handy** get “the boot” shortly after 15,000? :dubious: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-me/247211.md?page=3)