# Well, I’m going to Hell…
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [August 3, 2006, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216 "2006-08-03T17:29:31Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/1 "2006-08-03T17:29:31Z")
According to a voicemail left on my business audix this morning, I’m headed straight to Hell. I’m going there because I didn’t tune in to 94.7 FM “Christian Family Radio”. Didn’t I know that this was “The End of Days”…? (Well Schwartznegger has got his nose up Satan’s Ass, but I thought there’d at Least be a kinky Gabriel Byrne 3-way to tip me off…) 😉
Evidently I “haven’t been forgiven by the lord jesus christ almighty, eternal god himself, and therefore saved from an eternity of deserved punishment and suffering under the wrath of god in hell.” :rolleyes: (you have to say it in one breath, like the lease terms at the end of a car commercial, or Dan Akroyd in ‘Dragnet’ to get the full effect)
Luckily, I can tune into 94.7 FM Christian Family radio (because Spamming My Fucking Business Voicemail Isn’t Punishment Enough :smack: ).
Yes, we are in “…the time of sorrows, known as the great tribulations,” (especially those of us with voicemail) I mean, how was I to know that, “…god’s judgment has fallen on the church congregations…” (what, it can’t get up? No Medic-Alert?) “… and that we are to Flee from them…” (Believe me, Buddy, I Try! How you bastards keep tracking me down is beyond me…)
He left off with this nice closing, “And may the lord be Merciful to you too.” :dubious:
You mean, you were ‘Saved’? And if I get ‘saved’, the best I can hope for is to spend the rest of my days telemarketing Christian Family Radio??? :eek:
Holy Bob Marley, Batman!!!
\*\*\*“We be Spammin’……! Spammin’ in da Name of de Lord!!!” \*\*\* 🆒
Saved…? I’d rather be backed-up off-site.
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### Author:  [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/2 "2006-08-03T18:33:26Z")
Oops, my bad. I was trying to dial back my local Subway shop, they forgot the pepperoncinis again :smack:
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### Author:  [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/3 "2006-08-03T18:39:13Z")
You shouldn’t have used Marilyn Mansun for your hold-waiting tune.
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### Author:  [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/4 "2006-08-03T18:41:33Z")
Hey, I’m heading there myself. Shall I save you a seat?
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### Author:  [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/5 "2006-08-03T18:51:50Z")
Will there be whaling, lamination and gritting of teeth?
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### Author:  [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/6 "2006-08-03T18:53:02Z")
That was good, Count, that was good. It has a nice beat, and I can dance to it.
_:: does a [del]happy[/del] damned for all eternity dance ::_
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### Author:  [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/7 "2006-08-03T18:56:00Z")
> [@Count Blucher](#):
>
> According to a voicemail left on my business audix this morning, I’m headed straight to Hell.
You may well be, but if so, the idiot who dreamt up that stupid marketing tricjk will be there too- and you’ll get to be _his_ punishment.
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### Author:  [@Big\_Norse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Norse)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/8 "2006-08-03T19:51:09Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#):
>
> Will there be whaling, lamination and gritting of teeth?
Are there whales in the rivers of fire? What would a whale have to do to end up in hell?
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### Author:  [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/9 "2006-08-03T20:22:17Z")
> [@Big\_Norse](#):
>
> Are there whales in the rivers of fire? What would a whale have to do to end up in hell?
Well, we know Moby Dick is there, because he spilled seamen.
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### Author:  [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rube_E.Tewesday)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/10 "2006-08-03T20:34:57Z")
> [@silenus](#):
>
> Well, we know Moby Dick is there, because he spilled seamen.
Wow. How long have you been waiting for the proper setup for that joke?
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### Author:  [@Heckxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckxx)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/11 "2006-08-03T20:54:46Z")
Hell can’t be that bad. Sure maybe you’ll end up laying in smelly donkey feces while some cacodemon cuts your skin up with Gilette razors. But I’m sure it gets boring at day 100.
And its not like you can have sex in heaven either.
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### Author:  [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/12 "2006-08-03T21:07:30Z")
> [@Rube E. Tewesday](#):
>
> Wow. How long have you been waiting for the proper setup for that joke?
A loooong time. You just have to file them away and wait. 😃
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### Author:  [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/13 "2006-08-03T21:54:14Z")
> [@Heckxx](#):
>
> Hell can’t be that bad. Sure maybe you’ll end up laying in smelly donkey feces while some cacodemon cuts your skin up with Gilette razors. But I’m sure it gets boring at day 100.
I think the folks who subscribe to this type of vision of Hell believe that God will transformed all of the damned, and endow them with an ability to suffer from torment that can only be described as “godlike”.
What an asshole.
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### Author:  [@Big\_Norse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Norse)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/14 "2006-08-03T22:02:51Z")
> [@silenus](#):
>
> A loooong time. You just have to file them away and wait. 😃
You’re welcome for the setup.
(That’s the wonderful thing about throwing out one liners at the dope, someone will always come along and make them better [or worse, as the case may be]!)
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### Author:  [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/15 "2006-08-03T22:03:24Z")
> [@Heckxx](#):
>
> And its not like you can have sex in heaven either.
Well, then, I’m not going.
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### Author:  [@Andros\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andros_X)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/16 "2006-08-03T22:14:46Z")
Me neither. All the interesting people are going to Hell anyway.
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### Author:  [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/17 "2006-08-03T22:32:45Z")
OK, everybody! Coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!
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### Author:  [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/18 "2006-08-03T22:52:21Z")
> [@Telperien](#):
>
> Well, then, I’m not going.
And since you’re not coming, either, where does that put you?
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### Author:  [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/19 "2006-08-03T22:54:15Z")
> [@Cervaise](#):
>
> And since you’re not coming, either, where does that put you?
Looks like Hell.
Who was that who was saving seats?
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### Author:  [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)
#### Post date: [August 3, 2006, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/well-i-m-going-to-hell/367216/20 "2006-08-03T23:59:58Z")
> [@silenus](#):
>
> Well, we know Moby Dick is there, because he spilled seamen.
Well, what else do you expect from a sperm whale?
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