New Jersey, it’s the chemicals from all the toxic waste sites, not the radiation.
WD-40 and a lighter! 
You will be well remembered if for nothing more than that contribution to Arachnid-hating society!
Is there nothing WD-40 can’t do?
Well, according to Antigen, you just have to call your boyfriend, Hal.
Pfft. Amateurs.
Kill it with duct tape.
I can’t understand why Hal hates this Arachnid American, what did it ever do to you, you Speciest!
I mean, everybody knows the Common Household Pufferspider (Arachnidae Inflatus) can grow to many times it’s actual size when threatened, Hal, you must be doing something to scare the poor thing
just leave it alone, and it will soon return to it’s original size and go back to it’s corner, protecting your house from Underpants Gnomes, which are the normal prey for Arachnidae Inflatus
you don’t want to suffer an infestation of Underpants Gnomes, do you, those you DO have to nuke from orbit to get rid of…
Foolish human! The really really big spiders are the females…probably pregnant, too…with hundreds of baby spiders all intent on revenge. BOOHOOWAAHAHAHAHA!!!
Most likely it will be satisfied with a blood sacrifice and the promise of a warm spot in your attic to live in.
Run to the pet store and buy a little mouse or some other little furry offering. Write “apologies, Hal” in Sharpie on it’s side, and let it roam free.
You’ll be off the hook.
Hal has a boyfriend named Hal? That’s got to be confusing.
Hey, waitaminute! It may be a bit of a shady loophole, but now that I think back, I promised that I wouldn’t try and kill bug with a can of *Pledge* and a lighter! I don’t think I ever said a thing about WD-40! Damn…if only I’d remembered that at the time…
Damn you, heterosexuality! Always causing trouble!
I think your only recourse now is to bulldoze your house. Then set it on fire. With a can of Pledge and a Bic lighter. But take down the new curtains first.
shiver That may be the single most horrible thing I’ve ever read on this board.
You are a horrible person. :eek:
Hal.
I’m posting this from inside the spider.
Help Me!
If it was really the size of a poodle, I’d probably try to catch it and eat it. That would be one more animal checked off my list!
But hey, at least it’s not a scorpion.
Oh, scorpions are cute.
When I was five, maybe six, we vacationed at some relatives in Arizona. Those things were all over the place in this vacant lot we’d play in. You could wiggle a finger in front of them to get their attention, and then grab 'em by the stinger. I thought they were the coolest things ever. I was so pissed when mom wouldn’t let me bring a bucket of them home.
About 10 years ago we rafted the length of the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. We slept under the stars, and the nights were quite warm so I slept on top of my sleeping bag. In the morning you would find scorpion tracks that led up to your bag and then continued from the other side.
Spiders are Satan’s pets, though.
Why do I have fractured nursery rhymes running through my head?
Mary had a little lamb.
That someone likes to lay.
Along came a spider.
And frightened Hal Briston away
Too bad it’s not radioactive. Just think of all the cool spidey-powers Hal could get from it.
Let’s just hope it doesn’t turn into a clown that likes to feast on children.
Correction: Think of all the cool spidey-powers Hal’s headless corpse could get after it bit his head off to use as bait for VW Beetle sized flies. Because you know it’s got a picture of him and is practicing shooting webbing at him, right now!
It’s not that spider you need to worry about… it’s which pillow did she lay her thousands and thousands of eggs in. Hope it wasn’t yours.
Does Hal Briston dream of Electric Sheep?
I can hear it now:
Hal Briston, caught up in the web in falsetto “Help me…! Heeeelp Meee!!!”
You know, I live in NJ and have a pair of insect-stomping hiking boots and I’m looking for work. I could mash that arachnid and all its kin for less than the cost of 3 crave cases. There has to be a 1099 so there’s no ‘Zoë Baird’ issues though…