My teenage self would be surprised I left Hawaii. I didn’t get rock fever until after I finished college.
I spent all of high school preparing for a journalism career, so the psychology degree and job in post-production in LA would be a total (but not unpleasant) surprise.
My current self is surprised I’m contemplating marriage and kids, so I’m sure my teenage self would have a huge WTF?? moment over that.
that i don’t have dogs
that i do have cats
that i’m now blonde
(that one wasn’t really by choice. premature graying will do that to you)
that i no longer smoke
that i don’t ride horses any more
that i can’t get through a book a day any more
(add me to the list of being distracted by the damn internet. it’s rotting our brains i tells ya!)
My teenage self would probably keel over looking at the lard ass (the o’ so lovely term I used back then) I’ve turned into. But then, I’d like to smack that teen upside the head b/c this lard ass is a direct result of that eating disorder she cultivated and perfected. She wasn’t as ‘natrually’ skinny as she thought.
I’m not a successful, jet setting business woman. I don’t live in NYC or LA in a swank condo and drive a convertible. I don’t go to book clubs to discuss Voltaire, nor really read with much regularity anymore, and that when I do read, “fictional fluff” is what I crave instead of Proust. Gone are the piercings - Mom was right, I did regret so many, the tan…gosh I miss the tan, the perm, and the naturally long nails. She’d be shock and saddened to learn: I’ve forgotten my French. I’m married and have kids! Live in suburbia and drive a mini van. Have a tattoo! Enjoy decorating and have discovered that green isn’t such the bad color if the right shade.
She’d be happy to learn that the long (unpermed albeit) hair and the love of heavy metal music is still here and that I can now afford that closet of shoes she only dreamed about.
I look forward to marriage and hopefully having a child soon.
A teenage boy can’t think of anything crazier.
Probably that there is no clear-cut answer to most issues. I was a bleeding heart liberal and those who didn’t agree were simply wrong.
And since I considered myself fat at 150 pounds, my current weight would be unfathomable to the teenage me. 
Just being an adult. My teenage self had no comprehension of it.
I’m with ya on that one. I was in my mid 20’s before I quit thinking that 150 pounds would be “I should just shoot myself now” territory. I felt fat at 135. (Yes I know that was screwed up thinking)
That I am a bi-sexual atheist. I was a very straight laced X-tian in HS.
I actually did end up happily married for 20 years. And that I am a widow at 44.
My highschool self would completely understand my internet addiction.
That I’ve lived as long as I have; I didn’t expect to make it past 40.
That I’ve never been arrested, jailed, or imprisoned.
That I’d have lived in Santa Cruz, CA in the mid 1960s as a semi-hippie VW mechanic.
That I no longer listen to Depeche Mode 24/7 
That I cut my eyeliner consumption (per annum) in half.
Other than that, not much. I think I always knew I’d end up in some staid job.
I have to say that I’m sure I’d be pretty surprised that I held out against marriage for so long.
Amazingly, I’m now sitting in a coffeehouse about 30 yards away from a shop that still proudly announces that they repair “TV, VCR, and CB”. I just walked by there on my way back from the ATM and noticed it’s still open–there was a man there behind a counter, almost hidden by stacks of boxes and cartons.
What my teenage self would have trouble believing:
[ul]
[li]I’m married[/li][li]I now think physical conditioning is very important and enjoy working out.[/li][li]I have given up ragtime piano playing and now play classical guitar. I can read music pretty well now, too. While I did read music to learn ragtime pieces, I had to know what the tune sounded like first.[/li][li]While I’m still not a math whiz, I am now better at it then I ever thought I would be and enjoy playing around with teasers and understanding the proofs of formulas and theorems, like standard volumes and areas, or things like divisibility by 9.[/li][li]I’m currently unemployed, but at the moment surviving, and using the time to finish my second master’s degree and pick up some new skills.[/li][/ul]
My 1992 self would look at my 2008 self and:
I’d be sad that my punk-rock idealism has mellowed into an appreciation for “the system.”
I’d be shocked to know that I eventually outgrew band t-shirts, jeans, and combat boots, and learned to like getting to wear dress clothes. And that I wear cologne. And got my hair cut short.
I’d be disturbed to learn that I have more dance music and pop than punk rock and industrial, and that I’d be hitting dance clubs every weekend (and dancing!) rather than local music venues.
I’d be befuddled over the women I now find most attractive-- where are the piercings, tattoos, asymmetrical haircuts? Why do they all look like yuppies or Pentecostals?
I would, however, be relieved to know:
That I’ve gotten the hoarding/cluttering habit under a modicum of control.
And that I successfully quit smoking.
That I finally got back into school and have done well.
That the continuous depression and self-loathing eases up considerably and, for long stretches of time, goes away completely.
Frankly, that last one would be enough for my 18-year-old self to accept everything else.
I am a much, much different person now at 39 that I was young. As a “highly sensitive person”, I was always very quiet, shy, and meek. If I had a confrontation that couldn’t be avoided, I’d get visibly upset and nervous- I could not deal. With a history of being abused as a child, I had very low self-esteem, and never thought that I’d be able to deal with life by myself, and I was one of those young girls who think they NEED a man. I had no backbone, and was fearful and clingy.
Today I am very confident and assertive- downright aggressive when I need to be (and sometimes in this world you do need to be) and definitely can hold my own and make my way alone, and have been doing so for going on 10 years now. I’m still very shy and highly sensitive, but I had to learn how to cope and thrive, and eventually, I did. The teenaged me would be surprised to see how my life and myself have turned out.
that I have so little hair
that I have steady sex
that I don’t get stoned on a daily basis
that I don’t sit around and listen to music every day/night
that I don’t hang out with my friends every day
that I am still trying to get along with my parents
that I can afford to buy what I want
that I don’t write songs and poems
that I have a phone in my pocket, my entire discography in a device the size of a deck of cards, that I can drive almost anywhere within 200-300 miles and not need change or money for tolls, and that I can get all the porn I want almost immediately
I think it has everything to do with getting over worrying what everyone *thinks * about you and your metabolism downshifting into PARK and the layers of fat that accumulate repel insecurity.
With Fat comes Competence. or something.
I’m pretty sure my teenage self would probably do a major eyeroll at the too-many years I spent reading romance novels. That long phase has ended, thanks to SDMB. I am in recovery. All I read about then was real life murder stuff. Serial killers. Sociopaths and the like. The more gruesome the better. Me, the Catholic school girl. I really wanted to become a detective. or a travel writer, horse trainer, movie star, book writer, rock star… Focus has never been my strong point.
But, what would slay me totally! is that I am a knitter. And so open about it. How totally dorkwad is THAT!!! what.ev.ur.
BBQ’d eel is one of my favorite foods.
Being openly Gay, having a partner for 20 years and being married to him. I was sure the world would hate me forever for being Gay, so the idea of even having a boyfriend was unfathomable back then. I went to a psychic when I was 18, and when she told me I would be married once in my life, I laughed and told her it was impossible since I was Gay! Oops…
I was also in the middle of failing my first year at College around that time, so having three degrees and going back to school again in my 40’s would have been unbelievable…
Well, I’m not married to Mark Grace, that’s for sure. I’m also not a movie star, I’m an accounting assistant.
But I am NOT still with that abusive boyfriend, something which seemed impossible to break free of at the time.
I am not a diplomat, nor do I have any intention of becoming one.
I teach. Not a profession I had any kind of interest in back then. Actually the thought of becoming a teacher would have disgusted me.
I smoke. My teenage self would be absolutely horrified.
I have the sembrance of a social life. When I was 15, I vastly preferred staying in and reading to going out and talking to people.
I am content with the way I look. As a teen I thought I was irredeemably ugly.
Wow, ditto for me. I was going to get married to the love of my life, have a nice career in the fashion world for a while, then have kids and be June Cleaver.
Instead, I’m in the midst of my second divorce (at 43), living in an apartment, in debt up to my neck (most of it my ex’s), and working two jobs, neither of which have anything at all to do with my education.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty happy and love both of my jobs, but I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be at this point in my life.