# What are reasons someone doesn't come home for their mother's funeral? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 17, 2020, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968 "2020-04-17T07:59:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![installLSC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/54ee81/32.png) [@installLSC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/installLSC)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2020, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/21 "2020-04-18T15:58:55Z")
Although my mother did attend her mom’s funeral, she did not stay with her until her death. Why? A lot of the family who acted sad had contributed to her death with horrible miscare of her, and my mom didn’t want to stomach all the hypocrisy. Plus my mother is a big believer in spirits and souls. She swears she heard her mother ask for help to go to heaven. And once her soul was gone, the body in her minds is just a shell. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2020, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/22 "2020-04-18T16:06:24Z")
I would like to turn the OP’s question around. What are reasons someone _should_ come home for their mother’s funeral? She’s dead, so won’t benefit from your presence. If you don’t feel _you_ would benefit, why be subject to costs in time and money that you might not want to spend? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2020, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/23 "2020-04-18T20:45:48Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > This is so true, and it is especially true of people in subcultures. > > In Judaism, a stillborn baby is not formally mourned. Some people might choose to, but it is not a requirement (actually, it’s not a requirement to observe formal mourning for a baby younger than 3 months-- a rule from the year 500CE, which y’all can figure out). When some friends of mine, Jewish, had a very late term miscarriage, that was late enough to be a still-birth, albeit, they preferred to think of it as a miscarriage, she was in the hospital for a couple of days after a procedure to remove the dead fetus. > > The nurses there kept giving the couple brochures on grief that would be more suitable for people who had lost a live-born baby (their words), encouraging them to hold the fetus, and say goodbye, and name it. Jewish babies are formally named in ceremonies, and people usually don’t reveal the name they have selected until after the ceremony, even if the baby is several weeks old at the time. It was totally inappropriate for people raised in the Jewish tradition to name a dead fetus. Also, the nurses kept calling it “their baby,” even though they referred to it as “the fetus.” > > The nurses wanted them to call a funeral home, and bury the fetus, but they knew a Chevra Kadisha (Jewish burial preparation committee) would not prepare a still-born fetus. > > He was from a Modern Orthodox family, and she was from a very observant Conservative one. They were members of a conservative synagogue. He had a kippah and a beard, and she wore pants only very rarely, and was generally modest in her dress (she didn’t wear a wig, though). But they were coming from a very strong Jewish tradition. > > They finally had a very long talk with their rabbi, who then had a talk with the head nurse. The things the nurses were encouraging were causing them much more pain than the original loss was, and cut it out. They did. I hope they learned something about people who clearly were not responding to their suggestions, that maybe they were not well-received. > > 15 months later, they had a healthy baby. > > I have no idea what they may have done privately to manage their feelings, nor what their feelings were, but I do know that when my mother had a somewhat late miscarriage (5 months), she handled it by not making it a big deal either. And since she and my father were “0 population growth” people, and my brother, born after the miscarriage, was the apple of her eye, I think she had very little regret or “what could have beens” over it. > > I know that’s a little off-topic, but I think it’s very much on-point that you cannot tell someone how to grieve. You’d think that if anyone would be sensitive to cultural mores, it would be OB nurses, but apparently not in this case. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2020, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/24 "2020-04-18T22:09:40Z")
Musicat, while I can think of multiple good reasons for someone not to go to a funeral, even of a parent, I also know at least two good reasons to do so. For one, while your going can’t help the dead person, it may help other family/friends. While some people do need to grieve alone, others are considerably helped by having company. For two: I don’t expect this will apply to everybody, but you won’t know whether it applies to you unless you do show up. Actually seeing the body (whether privately, or at an open viewing) may convince some portion of your mind that the person’s actually dead; while, if you don’t, that chunk may go right on expecting them to show up any minute. I wasn’t expecting to have that reaction when my father died, but I did. nearwildheaven, it’s my experience that quite a lot of Christians assume that Jews are just some slightly odd type of Christian, and don’t really believe anything different; and that therefore there aren’t any cultural differences to pay attention to, with the possible exception of eating pork. Of course, not all Christians really believe the same sort of thing, either. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2020, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/25 "2020-04-18T23:17:30Z")
My mother, who lived in the Bronx, had been in failing health for the last seven years. Since I live in Panama, and often travel to remote areas, it’s been a concern of how much time it would take to get back if she did pass away. However, my siblings (I have four brothers and a sister) assured me they would delay any funeral until I was able to get back. (My father passed away in 1994.) She went into an even more serious decline about six months ago, and passed away on March 2. (I had seen her last on Jan 2, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to see her again at the time I left.) Unfortunately my sister and her two adult children were visiting me here in Panama at the time. As soon as we got the news, we made immediate plans to go to NY. But my brothers weren’t able to schedule a funeral until March 9, and encouraged her to finish her originally planned visit. So she went back on March 6, and I went on March 9. > [@thorny\_locust](#): > > Musicat, while I can think of multiple good reasons for someone not to go to a funeral, even of a parent, I also know at least two good reasons to do so. > > For one, while your going can’t help the dead person, it may help other family/friends. While some people do need to grieve alone, others are considerably helped by having company. Exactly. I didn’t go for my mother’s sake, I went to be supportive of my brothers and sisters. We’re a very close-knit family, despite living in different places. It was important for all of us to be there. > [@](#): > > For two: I don’t expect this will apply to everybody, but you won’t know whether it applies to you unless you do show up. Actually seeing the body (whether privately, or at an open viewing) may convince some portion of your mind that the person’s actually dead; while, if you don’t, that chunk may go right on expecting them to show up any minute. I wasn’t expecting to have that reaction when my father died, but I did. I wouldn’t say that I needed to see the body to be convinced, but going through all the rituals provides an element of emotional closure. We had a wake, then a funeral and burial the next day, and as is traditional in my family a big lunch for all the mourners (about 50 in this case) afterward. In addition to my siblings, it was good to see all the members of the extended family and family friends, many of whom I hadn’t seen in a decade or more. It was important to be able to cry at the casket, and support my siblings when they cried, and to place a rose on the casket when she was buried. If I hadn’t participated in that there would always have been a sense of emptiness. So I didn’t go for my mother’s sake, but for the sake of my family, and for my own sake. If you don’t have that kind of emotional bond with your family, then it may not be worth it. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2020, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/26 "2020-04-19T04:51:23Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > nearwildheaven, it’s my experience that quite a lot of Christians assume that Jews are just some slightly odd type of Christian, and don’t really believe anything different; and that therefore there aren’t any cultural differences to pay attention to, with the possible exception of eating pork. Of course, not all Christians really believe the same sort of thing, either. My post wasn’t really about religion, but more about respecting the wishes of the parents. Believe it or not, some people who have experienced pregnancy loss don’t want photographs and other memorials, and don’t want to talk about the baby later on. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2020, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/27 "2020-04-19T06:35:09Z")
Mom don’t give a Fuck. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2020, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/28 "2020-04-19T07:40:10Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > I think sometimes there are hardships and logistical difficulties that prevent people from coming. That it would be too emotional as the _reason_ not to come…? Interesting. Seems like it would be a good time to purge that feeling while surrounded by the loving family yadda yadda. Oh Lord no, not necessarily. Because, you see, not every family is “loving” and not every relative is someone you want to spend time with. When my grandmother died, the LAST person on Earth I wanted to see was my aunt, who a few months before had kicked me out of grandma’s house (which I was renting, as in “paying to live in”, with all legal seals and ribbons) and who considers I should not be allowed to live in Catalonia because I wasn’t born there. If I never see that bitch again it will be an eternity too soon. ---
**Author:** ![kitap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b9e5f3/32.png) [@kitap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kitap)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2020, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/29 "2020-04-19T08:05:32Z")
Sometimes people don’t go home because there isn’t a funeral. We chose not to have one for mom; we’re not religious, we had her cremated and everyone important to us knew she died. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2020, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/30 "2020-04-19T16:05:15Z")
When my grandfather died, my mother was fighting cancer and my father had an ear infection so bad his doctor told him getting on an airplane might rupture his ear drum. Then my grandmother died, my mother was even sicker and my father was pretty much her primary caretaker. My sister couldn’t afford to fly in when our father died. My other sister and I paid her way. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2020, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/31 "2020-04-19T17:17:12Z")
The father of two of my best childhood friends died (of cancer) a week ago, in Florida. One of the friends currently lives in the Chicago burbs, and he did go for the funeral, and to be with his mom, but I can totally see why he might not have given the current plague circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2020, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/32 "2020-04-19T17:41:14Z")
I love my mom to the moon and back again but funerals? Yeah, hard pass. Then again, I’m in Portland OR and the visit here to see me in 1997 was the last long trip my mom and stepdad took together, as he was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor soon after they got home and died less than a year later. She had him cremated and he lives in an urn in her living room waiting for her because she’s expressed a wish for them both to be scattered from the top of Multnomah Falls. One sister lives up near Seattle and the other is in California near mom so coming here to hike up to the top of the Falls is easier on everyone but the youngest sibling and she can like it or lump it. Then again I could see her absconding with mom’s ashes and dumping them someplace dumb but if she does that it won’t fash me any because I don’t care what happens to the body once the person no longer inhabits it. She’ll have to deal with mom haunting her if she flouts mom’s wishes and since she’s the only one credulous enough to believe in hauntings I’d guess that would be a real stone bitch for her. Heh heh. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2020, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968/33 "2020-04-20T03:35:11Z")
\*\*What are reasons someone doesn’t come home for their mother’s funeral? \*\* Someone’s mother might have been a narcissistic asshole who cheerfully made her husband’s and children’s lives miserable. Such a person’s death would be a blessed relief to those adult children whose lives she had poisoned. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-reasons-someone-doesnt-come-home-for-their-mothers-funeral/851968.md?page=1)