# What are some of your favorite quotes from comedies? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 11, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-of-your-favorite-quotes-from-comedies/539074 "2010-05-11T18:10:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2010, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-of-your-favorite-quotes-from-comedies/539074/141 "2010-06-15T02:22:32Z")
_Clerks:_ Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos? Randal Graves: Yeah, what’re you looking for? Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. Randal Graves: Uh, once second. I’m on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it. Mom: 'Kay. Randal Graves: What’s it called again? Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. Kid: Happy Scrappy! Mom: She loves it. Randal Graves: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: The KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh, yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-of-your-favorite-quotes-from-comedies/539074/142 "2010-06-16T21:36:08Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > _Clerks:_ > > Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos? > > Randal Graves: Yeah, what’re you looking for? > > Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. > > Randal Graves: Uh, once second. I’m on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it. > > Mom: 'Kay. > > Randal Graves: What’s it called again? > > Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. > > Kid: Happy Scrappy! > > Mom: She loves it. > > Randal Graves: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: The KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh, yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again? This quote is lame. I don’t see what’s so funny about it. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-of-your-favorite-quotes-from-comedies/539074/143 "2010-06-17T04:45:12Z")
“Notice they do not so much fly, as plummet” “Cabbage crates coming in over the briny!” “Anthrax Ripple” “Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?” “It’s just a flesh wound” > [@](#): > > Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she’s a witch? > Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! > Sir Bedevere: A newt? > Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better. “Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I’m being repressed!” > [@](#): > > Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t NEED to follow ME, You don’t NEED to follow ANYBODY! You’ve got to think for your selves! You’re ALL individuals! > The Crowd: Yes! We’re all individuals! > Brian: You’re all different! > The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different! > Man in crowd: I’m not… > [@](#): > > Brian: What will they do to me? > Ben the Prisoner: Oh you’ll probably get away with crucifixion. > Brian: CRUCIFIXION? > Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense. “Welease Woger!” > [@](#): > > Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? > Attendee: Brought peace? > Reg: Oh, peace - shut up! > Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. > Dissenter: Uh, well, one. > Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there’s one. But otherwise, we’re solid. > [@](#): > > “Not much of a cheese shop, this, is it?” > “Finest in the district sir!” > “How so?” > “It’s so clean!” > “…well it’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese” “If you ‘adn’t nailed it to the perch it’d be pushin’ up the daisies!” “… now _we_ 'ad it toof …” > [@](#): > > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > Well, you must forgive me, Wilde, but I must get back up the Palace. > OSCAR WILDE: > Your Majesty, you’re like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top. > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > I beg your pardon? > OSCAR WILDE: > Um … It was one of Whistler’s. > JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER: > I didn’t say that. > OSCAR WILDE: > You did, James, you did. > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > Well, Mr. Whistler? > JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER: > I- I meant, Your Majesty, that, uh, like a doughnut your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure merely makes us hungry for more. > (laughter and congratulations) > JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER: > Yes, thank you. Right, Your Majesty is like a stream of bat’s piss. > (gasps) > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > What? > JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER: > It was one of Wilde’s. > OSCAR WILDE: > It sodding was not! It was Shaw! > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > Well, Mr. Shaw? > GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: > I, um, I, ah, I merely meant, Your Majesty, that, ah, you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark. > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > Oh, ho-ho, very good. > GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: > Right. Your Majesty is like a dose of clap. > 1 (gasps) > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > What?!? > GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: > Before you arrive is pleasure, but after is a pain in the dong. > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > I beg your pardon? > GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: > It was one of Wilde’s. > OSCAR WILDE: > Wha- > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > Well, Mr. Wilde? > GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: > Come on, Ozzy. > OSCAR WILDE: > Uh … uh, wha-, wha- … > GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: > Come on, Ozzy, now, tell us all about it. > OSCAR WILDE: > Wha-, what I meant, Your Majesty, uh-h-h … > (general heckling from the crowd) > JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER: > Let’s have a bit of the old wit then! > OSCAR WILDE: > What, what- > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > I’m waiting. > OSCAR WILDE: > What I-, what I meant was … > GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: > Come on, Ozzy, … > JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER: > Give us a bit of the wit, Oz. > OSCAR WILDE: > Um, w-w-what I meant, Your Majesty, w-was … oh … (blows a raspberry) > (The Prince shakes Wilde’s hand. Laughter all round.) > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > Oh! Excellent! Excellent, Wilde! Very witty, Wilde. > JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER: > Nice one, Oz! > THE PRINCE OF WALES: > Can you come and do that up the Palace some time? Extremely funny, ha-ha-ha … [QUOTE=The Goon Show] Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles? Eccles: Err, just a minute. I’ve got it written down here on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning. Bluebottle: Eeuughh. Then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles? Eccles: Well, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them. Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man… Eccles: What is it fellow? Bluebottle: It’s writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o’clock, is writted. Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That’s right. When I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o’clock. Bluebottle: Well then, supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn’t eight o’clock? Eccles: Then I don’t show it to them. Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it’s eight o’clock? Eccles: I’ve got it written down on a piece of paper! Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on. Eccles: Oohhhh. Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles? Eccles: Yah. Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? - ‘Ere. This piece of paper ain’t goin’. Eccles: What? I’ve been sold a forgery! Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o’clock. Eccles: Oh dear. Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my grandad’s got. Eccles: Oooohhh? Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired. Eccles: Oooohhh?? Bluebottle: It’s one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o’clock, boils the kettule, and pours a cuppa tea. Eccles: Ohhh yeah! What’s it called? Um… Bluebottle: My gran-ma. Eccles: Ohh… Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it’s eight o’clock? Bluebottle: She’s got it written down on a piece of paper! [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Yes Minister] Sir Desmond [a banker]: It took me 30 years to understand Keynes’ economics then everyone started getting hooked on these new monetarist ideas. You know – “I Want to Be Free” by Milton Schulman. Sir Humphrey: Milton Freidman. Sir Desmond: Why are they all called Milton? Anyway, I’ve only got as far as Milton Keynes. Sir Humphrey: Maynard Keynes. Sir Desmond: … I’m sure there’s a Milton Keynes … [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-of-your-favorite-quotes-from-comedies/539074/144 "2010-06-17T07:26:21Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > “Surely you can’t be serious?” > > “I am serious. And, don’t call me Shirley.” > > _Airplane!_ A classic. And for me, a Groucho: Q: “May we join you?” A: “Why? Am I falling apart?” Q: “It is just that your table is set for four and you are alone.” A: “If you think that’s funny, my alarm is set for eight.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-of-your-favorite-quotes-from-comedies/539074.md?page=7)