# What are some red flags that your potential partner will be inhibited in the sack? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 5, 2010, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726 "2010-01-05T05:20:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/81 "2010-01-06T00:31:37Z")
I guess I haven’t really contributed to the OP’s question. My secret: A long engagement. Nothing brings out a couple’s ability to work as a team as the planning of a big wedding. I’ve done it twice…this first time saved my keester, the second time is was a non-issue. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/82 "2010-01-06T00:54:40Z")
> [@Soapbox\_Monkey](#): > > I’m just trying to figure out how I can avoid a situation where I fall head over heels for a girl, and then after months finally get in bed with her, only to learn that I made a serious commitment with someone I’m not sexually compatible with. Because at that point it would be too late for me to back out, at least without looking like a complete asshole. You sound pretty inhibited yourself, judging by the penchant you’ve shown for overanalyzing potentialities that have a very low likelihood. Would you seriously rule out dating a woman because she exhibited a “red flag” or two that might indicate bedroom shyness? Even if she acted like she liked you and had many things in common with you? I don’t believe you would, but hey maybe I’m wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/83 "2010-01-06T01:07:22Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > I’m not entirely sure what you’re getting worked up over. And I’m _obviously_ too invested to explain the minutiae if you’re not going to read the other thread. If you look at the timing of the threads, I’d be willing to bet THIS thread got created as a result of THAT thread. > > It was an observation of a double standard…about a 2 on the a scale of 1 to 10. You’re one the calling my reading comprehension into question. > > So are you going to discuss the issue constructively, or just take potshots? > > How would YOU determine if a person was sexually compatible, long term? I hate to break it to you, but I’m not worked up. I made a comment about people not trying to change one another and didn’t mention gender roles _at all_ in that comment. You came along and mentioned the other thread as if we’d all read it and our comments here had anything to do with those in that thread. If you were trying to make a point about double standards and gender I would think you’d have made that point to someone who was actually mentioning gender roles in their initial comments instead of mine. You didn’t, you said it to me. So if you think that you’re being constructive, I’d hate to see you if you weren’t. I told you to reread the comment another poster made. It was you who trotted out the ol’ “reading comprehension” standby. You might be willing to bet that the OP started this thread as an answer to the other and maybe you’re right, but you might want to look at Giraffe’s information which says the OP has been making threads like this for 7 years. Regardless, I don’t care what the gender… my advice stands. In response to your last question: I have absolutely no interest in discussing with this board my preferences in sexual relationships or how I determine if I am compatible with someone. That’s why I’ve never started a thread about a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/84 "2010-01-06T01:25:35Z")
> [@Chicken\_Fingers](#): > > A generally rigid personality would be a warning, I’d think. Strong negative reactions to anything outside their little norm, in any aspect of life. I think you got it in one. It’s true for men also. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/85 "2010-01-06T01:46:26Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Trying to badger a girl into doing something she doesn’t want to do isn’t “shaping” her, it’s just abusive Especially if you use real badgers. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/86 "2010-01-06T01:48:11Z")
> [@Scissorjack](#): > > Especially if you use real badgers. My God, won’t SOMEONE think of the badgers!?! ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/87 "2010-01-06T01:56:18Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I’m saying the idea of having sex with someone who wants to break me of bad habits or suss out how I am so he doesn’t have to waste time on me if I’m too inhibited is just skeevy. So you think someone who wants an indicator of how the sex will be _before_ having sex and going to all the effort at acheaving initmacy that implies for many people is skeevy? That trying to suss out compatibility issues _before_ getting to that level is a warning flag for you? What the hell is the point of dating again? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/88 "2010-01-06T01:58:00Z")
> [@Cesario](#): > > So you think someone who wants an indicator of how the sex will be _before_ having sex and going to all the effort at acheaving initmacy that implies for many people is skeevy? That trying to suss out compatibility issues _before_ getting to that level is a warning flag for you? What the hell is the point of dating again? That’s one thing, but the whole “breaking” me of habits like an animal is another. I don’t mind interacting with someone trying to see if we’re compatible but the way the OP put it was so incredibly one sided that it really turned me off. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/89 "2010-01-06T02:02:57Z")
> [@Cesario](#): > > So you think someone who wants an indicator of how the sex will be _before_ having sex and going to all the effort at acheaving initmacy that implies for many people is skeevy? That trying to suss out compatibility issues _before_ getting to that level is a warning flag for you? What the hell is the point of dating again? I think she means it’s just a little skeevy. Like, sets off red flags or something. I mean, it’s not like pedophile skeevy or anything… ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/90 "2010-01-06T02:14:43Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > I’ve said it before and been yelled at for it, but in my (very limited) experience and to the general agreement of many of my non-dope acquaintances, someone who is a lousy kisser and refuses to take hints (be they gestual or verbal) will also be a lousy fucker who refuses to take any kind of input. > > By hints I mean, for example, pushing his hands away while backing up, followed by pushing his chest away while still backing up, followed when he finally lets you go by “I do need to breathe, ok? take it easy!” For some reason, there’s guys who take the first two as signs of passion and respond to the third with a pout. > > Or, in other words, “it’s in his kiss.” Which I guess works for the OP’s question too 🙂 I dunno–my ex was a pretty bad kisser but he was really, really good at the other stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/91 "2010-01-06T02:20:25Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > That’s one thing, but the whole “breaking” me of habits like an animal is another. Man, this is getting annoying. We are aware that people use the term “breaking” to refer to things like bad habits, right? Habits people willingly want to get rid of? Just because the term is nonconsensual with animals does not mean that it is intrinsically so when refering to other humans. Helping someone break their bad sexual habits is no morally different than helping someone break their gum chewing habits, and is often undertaken for the exact same reasons. Sure, it isn’t purely altruistic, and you get some clear and obvious benefit when the habit in the other person is broken, but that doesn’t make the effort some morally horrid thing, especially when both parties are actively trying to work on it. I think people have gotten **way** too hung up on a single word choice here. > [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I don’t mind interacting with someone trying to see if we’re compatible but the way the OP put it was so incredibly one sided that it really turned me off. So much so that you decided to berate him for trying to find out how to see if he’s compatible with someone. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/92 "2010-01-06T02:23:48Z")
I think word choice says a lot. There’s a difference between asking, “Is there a way I can help them overcome such an attitude” and “How easily can they be broken of their attitude”. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/93 "2010-01-06T02:27:50Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I think word choice says a lot. There’s a difference between asking, “Is there a way I can help them overcome such an attitude” and “How easily can they be broken of their attitude”. True. People who chose the later understand the concept of brevity, that is not using ten words when three will do, meaning avoiding long stretches of words that fail to add any additional meaning. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/94 "2010-01-06T02:29:43Z")
> [@Soapbox\_Monkey](#): > > I’m just trying to figure out how I can avoid a situation where I fall head over heels for a girl, and then after months finally get in bed with her, only to learn that I made a serious commitment with someone I’m not sexually compatible with. Because at that point it would be too late for me to back out, at least without looking like a complete asshole. Like **Giraffe** said, it doesn’t HAVE to happen that way, there’s no way of predicting the probabilities of it happening that way. And on any given month people by the millions who were “head over heels” find out upon consummation that things were not as expected and back out of relationships because of sexual incompatibility. It’s life. Doesn’t make them complete or even partial assholes/bitches (though it may get many of them be unfairly _called_ so). We just have to go in with the mindset that we’ll give it our best shot but if things don’t work out we’ll make every effort to to be civil about it and take it like grownups. (Oh, and clumsily using a turn of phrase that turns out to be heavily negatively loaded among one’s audience is not “understanding brevity”, it’s stumbling over one’s own words and the proper course of action is, as you did, to clarify what you meant. But do recognize that it was indeed a stumble.) ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/95 "2010-01-06T02:58:10Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > And when women use that language, they’re using it tongue in cheek. They aren’t talking about getting a guy to do things he doesn’t want to do, but teaching them how to do things they DO want to do more efficiently. I think you are greatly mistaken about this. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/96 "2010-01-06T03:20:58Z")
> [@Cesario](#): > > True. People who chose the later understand the concept of brevity, that is not using ten words when three will do, meaning avoiding long stretches of words that fail to add any additional meaning. “Is there a way I can help them overcome such an attitude” “How easily can they be broken of their attitude” Wow, huge difference there. An epic poem compared to a haiku. If you really think there is no different in connotation between the two sentences, then we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Personally I feel that any attitude to do with sex, good or bad, is going to be a lot more personal and complicated to change than simply breaking a simple bad habit, like chewing gum loudly or forgetting to replace the toliet roll. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/97 "2010-01-06T03:30:49Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > “Is there a way I can help them overcome such an attitude” > “How easily can they be broken of their attitude” > > Wow, huge difference there. An epic poem compared to a haiku. > > If you really think there is no different in connotation between the two sentences, then we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Personally I feel that any attitude to do with sex, good or bad, is going to be a lot more personal and complicated to change than simply breaking a simple bad habit, like chewing gum loudly or forgetting to replace the toliet roll. For the record, what are your feelings on the connotations of breaking people of their loud gum chewing habits? ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/98 "2010-01-06T03:44:10Z")
For one thing, presumably the person with the gum-chewing habit wants to change as well. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/99 "2010-01-06T03:47:50Z")
> [@SecondJudith](#): > > For one thing, presumably the person with the gum-chewing habit wants to change as well. But you want to assume that the sexually inhibited person wants to stay that way? Either person could be happy with their current habits, and either person could want to change. Why assume one way about one situation and the opposite about the other? ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/100 "2010-01-06T04:16:21Z")
**Cesario** , I appreciate you continuing to defend me, but I’ve already admitted that I misspoke by using the word “break”, and clarified what I had originally meant. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726.md?page=6)