# What are some red flags that your potential partner will be inhibited in the sack? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 5, 2010, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726 "2010-01-05T05:20:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/101 "2010-01-06T04:20:53Z")
> [@Soapbox\_Monkey](#): > > **Cesario** , I appreciate you continuing to defend me, but I’ve already admitted that I misspoke by using the word “break”, and clarified what I had originally meant. If this is a subtle way of saying [stop helping me](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/StopHelpingMe), okay. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/102 "2010-01-06T04:32:27Z")
I doubt that _most_ people with loud gum chewing habits have some kind of psychological issue/trauma/past behind their uncouth ways. It’s probably just a habit they’ve picked up somewhere. Whereas people with extreme reservations with sex probably have something - sexual trauma, extremely strict and/or religious upbringing, lack of experience. It’s not a habit you can simply make them stop doing. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/103 "2010-01-06T04:38:32Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I doubt that _most_ people with loud gum chewing habits have some kind of psychological issue/trauma/past behind their uncouth ways. It’s probably just a habit they’ve picked up somewhere. Whereas people with extreme reservations with sex probably have something - sexual trauma, extremely strict and/or religious upbringing, lack of experience. It’s not a habit you can simply make them stop doing. It is, however, something that many people would not be averse to fixing. All those things strike me as problems from the prospective of the person having them, and in that situation, I would desire those problems fixed, gotten past, what have you so they no longer effect me. While certainly some people would not want those issues dealt with, and their views should be respected, I don’t understand why the default view ought to be “they obviously want to stay this way, and to even suggest they might benefit from change is offensive and creepy”. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/104 "2010-01-06T04:42:37Z")
That’s not what I said, though. I simply said that their problems are not as simple as breaking a bad habit. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/105 "2010-01-06T04:46:59Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > That’s not what I said, though. I simply said that their problems are not as simple as breaking a bad habit. And I wasn’t suggesting that the process of changing things would be simple either. Are we violently agreeing here? ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/106 "2010-01-06T04:57:56Z")
Well, my original point was that phrasing such a change as “breaking a habit” (paraphrased) was problematic. The OP has since admitted his poor choice of words, so I suppose it’s a moot point. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/107 "2010-01-06T05:03:36Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Would you seriously rule out dating a woman because she exhibited a “red flag” or two that might indicate bedroom shyness? Even if she acted like she liked you and had many things in common with you? I don’t believe you would, but hey maybe I’m wrong. Most of what I post here are hypotheticals, and you’re correct, I wouldn’t rule out dating a girl because of some of the things I’ve lamented about. I’ve even fallen for a few. But those feelings have always been unrequited. Which leaves me sitting around continuing to stress myself out over hypothetical situations. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/108 "2010-01-06T11:34:07Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > **Soapbox** , this thread got me thinking about some of your past threads, so I did a search. You’ve been starting threads like this for almost _seven years_, now. And a lot of people, myself included, have been giving you the same advice: you’re over-thinking this stuff to an extremely unhealthy and counterproductive degree. Damn, he could have had a number of girlfriends in that seven years, and would have been able to find out for himself. Personally, I’ve never run into the type of woman described in the OP, so I wouldn’t know how to spot one or help her change. However, I’ve had a psycho girlfriend who was absolutely fantastic in bed, but we would get into the worst fights. Those are the ones to avoid. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/109 "2010-01-06T13:48:25Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You won’t know until you know, but lots of Jesus talk is not a good sign, and sexual abuse/rape is usually going to offer a grab bag of issues, which can range from extreme inhibition to compulsive promiscuity. > > It’s not the guy’s place to “break” or “cure” anything, though. He’s not her therapist, and she’s under no obligation to try anything she doesn’t want. You either accept her as she is, or you move on. Having been the first guy after a sexual assault on more than one occasion. Its not about breaking or fixing anyone, its helping them get through the apprehension of being intimate with someone again. As far as hangups and such. IME alot of it is just general insecurities. You are being a bit of a mini therapist trying to help them derive more pleasure from sexual situations than their current mindset allows. I am not talking lights off missionary only to goat felching, I have dated women who pretty much would not have sex during daylight hours because they hated their bodies to be so visible. Reassuring them that you like looking at them and find them beautiful and sexy does help over time. I have a hard time imagining that helping fix or break that kind of low self esteem is a bad thing. My current g/f kinda tends to cover up/hide her body a bit. I usually respond by stealing her blanket and kissing her all over the area she was hiding. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/110 "2010-01-06T19:28:13Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s lik a Zen thing. The only way to get her to swallow is not to care if she swallows. This is classic, sir! ---
**Author:** ![JerseyFrank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bcef8e/32.png) [@JerseyFrank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerseyFrank)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/111 "2010-01-06T20:26:44Z")
> [@Soapbox\_Monkey](#): > > In your collective experiences, is there any way to identify someone with this attitude before you get into bed with them Give her a test tickle. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/112 "2010-01-06T21:57:47Z")
OK, but what if she doesn’t give it back? ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/113 "2010-01-07T04:34:39Z")
**Soapbox Monkey** , I just want to point out two things about your OP. The first of which is that in a [post](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=209653) in 2003 you stated, _“My chances of finding a girl who has not only never had intercourse, but never given or received oral sex, or given a handjob or been fingered are…nil? I might as well assume it to be nil. All I want is to find someone who I can learn everything together WITH. Not be taught. The thought of my SO in the throes of passion with another person would kill me mentally.”_ If this is really the kind of woman you are looking for (and I am not saying that it is wrong to look for that) then I can pretty much promise you she will be inhibited in bed at first. As time goes on if you have been gentle and worked hard to make sure she enjoys sex as much as you do you will find that most women will try quite a bit at least once. The second thing is that if you are still working yourself up about the exact same issues that you were in 2003 you need to see someone. Go see a counsilor on campus or find a therapist that takes your insurance or whatever. Just find a professional to help you figure out why you are able to work up sexual to-do lists and requirements when you haven’t had a single moment of sexual experience of your own. Lots of people wait a long time to find love or to have sex. Heck, Julia Child was apparently a virgin when she married her husband in her 40’s! Waiting for the right person isn’t a bad thing. Working yourself up into a froth so that you are judging all potential women who might want to date you before you have even met them is a very bad thing. Find someone to talk to that can help you work through your issues so that when you do meet the woman of your dreams you don’t scare her away. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/114 "2010-01-07T04:42:40Z")
Actually, he seems to be all worked up about the opposite issue. Instead of the mythical unfingered virgin he wants Jenna Jameson or something. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/115 "2010-01-07T04:42:41Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > **Soapbox Monkey** , I just want to point out two things about your OP. The first of which is that in a [post](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=209653) in 2003 you stated, _“My chances of finding a girl who has not only never had intercourse, but never given or received oral sex, or given a handjob or been fingered are…nil? I might as well assume it to be nil. All I want is to find someone who I can learn everything together WITH. Not be taught. The thought of my SO in the throes of passion with another person would kill me mentally.”_ If this is really the kind of woman you are looking for (and I am not saying that it is wrong to look for that) then I can pretty much promise you she will be inhibited in bed at first. As time goes on if you have been gentle and worked hard to make sure she enjoys sex as much as you do you will find that most women will try quite a bit at least once. That first post was when I was 18. I’ve long since gotten over the fact that I’ll never meet a virgin. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/116 "2010-01-07T04:43:55Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Actually, he seems to be all worked up about the opposite issue. Instead of the mythical unfingered virgin he wants Jenna Jameson or something. More realistically I’d like to avoid the kind of girl who would get grossed out by the thought of a guy going down on her, considering that I won’t have the staying power to get her off any other way. I couldn’t care less if she reciprocates. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/117 "2010-01-07T04:51:49Z")
Again, I’m 50 a grandma have been married, have dated and had a good handful of longterm relationships. As a woman I swear by what is expressed in the song “It’s in His Kiss”. If he is a great kisser and is really into it. IME, he’ll be really good in bed. But for a man, looking at a woman? Don’t be fooled by the way she looks. I’m a conservative dresser, don’t like crude or bathroom humor and behave in a mostly lady-like way. But I ADORE sex and a lot of it. My former boyfriend is 12 years younger and we’re still good friends, if that helps. (he had to be to keep up :D). ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/118 "2010-01-07T04:54:06Z")
Have you had sex at all yet? Staying power may not be the issue you think it is - I was expecting to blow my load in eight seconds my first time, but it was never really a problem. IME\*, girls who won’t let you go down on them are impossible to predict. I was with one girl who was rather… easy (her number was nearing three digits when she was 23) and she wouldn’t let anyone go down on her unless she was drunk. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/119 "2010-01-07T05:04:08Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > The use of the word in bold would, personally, make me drop you like a hot potato no matter how mind-blowing good the sex was. > > You don’t “break” people. If you need to “break” people to enjoy their company there is something just as wrong with you as with the inhibited, sex-only-in-the-dark-don’t-look-at-my-naked-body-ew-I’m-not-doing-THAT crowd. And possibly more so. > > If you’re not compatible move on - it’s not your place to “fix” people, much less “break” them. Oh COME on girls (not just you **Broomstick**! Yeah, he’s not being really elegant and PC with the way he’s asking what he’s asking, but it’s not an unreasonable thing to want to know. Haven’t most of us ended up in bed, at least once, with a really cold fish? A person that we didn’t know was like that until we got there? And where it was really obvious that for this particular person it was a matter of “hurry up and get this over with” (or for we girls more a matter of “Okay, got mine, What? 2 minutes of glory wasn’t enough for you”?). People can be very compatible and even learn different (maybe better) ways of responding and having sex if their prospective partner is patient, gentle and understanding, even if they may appear to be a prude on the outside. By the same token a woman can be a baby whore in thigh high leather boots and patent leather duds and be a totally frigid prude in bed (for good). I’m gonna give the OP the benefit of the doubt and believe that that is what he’s looking for. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726/120 "2010-01-07T05:31:18Z")
> [@Cesario](#): > > Man, this is getting annoying. We are aware that people use the term “breaking” to refer to things like bad habits, right? Habits people willingly want to get rid of? Just because the term is nonconsensual with animals does not mean that it is intrinsically so when refering to other humans. Helping someone break their bad sexual habits is no morally different than helping someone break their gum chewing habits, and is often undertaken for the exact same reasons. Sure, it isn’t purely altruistic, and you get some clear and obvious benefit when the habit in the other person is broken, but that doesn’t make the effort some morally horrid thing, especially when both parties are actively trying to work on it. > > I think people have gotten **way** too hung up on a single word choice here. > > So much so that you decided to berate him for trying to find out how to see if he’s compatible with someone. Jeeminy Crickets! I agree. Have none of you ever mentioned breaking your husband or boyfriend of a bad habit? Not one of you has jokingly said, of a potential lover “can’t wait til I get him broke in”? I’ve not seen **Soapbox’s** other posts about his single status, but again despite his somewhat poor choice of words, he seems sincere. And if the boy is a virgin of longstanding, I can completely understand his reticence here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-some-red-flags-that-your-potential-partner-will-be-inhibited-in-the-sack/523726.md?page=7)