# What are the best insults you've heard/read? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 30, 2002, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296 "2002-08-30T14:27:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2002, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/41 "2002-09-02T19:38:51Z")
… from “American Me”: You’re so cool I’m gonna call you “culo.” Culo is Spanish for “ass.” ---
**Author:** ![Roadwalker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e19b73/32.png) [@Roadwalker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roadwalker)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2002, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/42 "2002-09-02T22:04:35Z")
I remember a friend refering to one of our teachers as a "limp dick. It sort of suited him perfectly. ---
**Author:** ![samarm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@samarm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samarm)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2002, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/43 "2002-09-02T22:07:01Z")
Some of my favourite lines from Blackadder (not all strictly insults)! “Baldrick, you have all the artistic capabilities of a cluster of color-blind hedgehogs. In a bag.” “They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.” “Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?” ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2002, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/44 "2002-09-02T22:11:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tiburon \* > \*\*I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest. > > Tibs. \*\* Brilliant. I will simply _have_ to use this somewhere. I was once privy to a comment (which I know came from a movie) as a spectator: “Goddammit, you must have crawled into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking!!” Marines can get away with this shit, while I can’t. ☹ Tripler Marines kick ass. ---
**Author:** ![liirogue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dbc845/32.png) [@liirogue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/liirogue)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/45 "2002-09-03T01:09:21Z")
Well, mine comes from the realm of Teendom. My younger sister and some of her friends were in my car, discussing just this subject. However, only one succeeded in making me laugh… “Yo’ mamma got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook!” The ghetto accent coming from a little, lily white tween was just about as funny… ---
**Author:** ![jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jass)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/46 "2002-09-03T04:50:09Z")
A friend of mine was chatting to a guy about dancing. The guy said: “I have the grace of a cat” To which my friend promptly responded: “Yeah, a cat with a watermelon up its ass!” ---
**Author:** ![japatlgt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df705f/32.png) [@japatlgt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/japatlgt)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/47 "2002-09-03T06:05:08Z")
You must’ve fallen into an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/48 "2002-09-03T06:13:34Z")
something my dad used to say " If his IQ was 1 point lower, he’d be a plant" ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/49 "2002-09-03T06:19:13Z")
Just thought of two more When my younger sis was in college she ‘experimented’ with interesting hair colors. One weekend she came home with a dark purple-ish color. In her defense she said she had gotten a lot of compliments on her hair at work, to which my father replied, “yeah, but you work at the Lighthouse for the Blind” (well, we thought it was funny) Another time Dad was getting a little impatient with this same sister’s boyfriend and their relationship. We go out to dinner and he’d come with, but my dad always paid. Finally he told her he wanted some sort of return on his investment, such as the pitter patter of little feet. Sister “If you want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I suggest you buy a hampster.” ---
**Author:** ![Theobroma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@Theobroma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theobroma)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/50 "2002-09-03T06:23:02Z")
“That guy is so dumb he can’t count up to 11 unless he unzips his fly.” (May substitute “chick”, “12” and “unbuttons her blouse” if required) Also useful: “He’s got his head stuck so far up his ass he can see out of his belly button!!” ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/51 "2002-09-03T07:31:31Z")
HA!! Well, it’s not the **best** I’ve ever heard, but I just caught it on “Waiting for God” and it made me giggle: Diana (who else? She has all the good lines.), to Jane: “Geoffrey’s father is a few putters short of a golf bag.” ---
**Author:** ![Daylon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/45deac/32.png) [@Daylon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daylon)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/52 "2002-09-03T09:21:10Z")
my fave: “I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire…” and “Arguing with you is like running a race in the Special Olympics…because even if I win…I’m still retarded…” (horribly non-pc, but funny) ---
**Author:** ![Pabitel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Pabitel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pabitel)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/53 "2002-09-03T13:24:13Z")
Old Billy Wigglestick had his days. > [@](#): > > Drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will be swine drunk, and in his sleep he does little harm, save to his bedclothes about him from All’s well that ends well > [@](#): > > I was seeking for a fool when I found you from As you like it > [@](#): > > More of your conversation would infect my brain from Coriolanus > [@](#): > > What a disgrace it is to me that I should remember your name from Henry IV Part 2 > [@](#): > > Thy mothers name is ominous to children from Richard III > [@](#): > > Watch out he’s winding the watch of his wit, by and by it will strike from The Tempist > [@](#): > > Would thou were clean enough to spit on from Timon of Athens > [@](#): > > He has not so much brain as ear wax from Troilus and Cressida > [@](#): > > She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults from The Two Gentlemen of Verona Just a few of the best ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/54 "2002-09-03T14:01:38Z")
I was camping this weekend; on Sunday morning, people were sitting around nursing what they were calling hangovers (hey, they were up, and awake, and talking about it; how hung-over could they be?). Somebody walks up to the group, looks down at one guy, and says: “Wow. You didn’t get any beauty sleep at _all_ last night, did you?” ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/55 "2002-09-03T16:13:57Z")
Gladstone is reported to have said of Disraeli, “When they circumsized him, they threw away the brightest bit.” ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/56 "2002-09-03T16:43:26Z")
“Though he tortures the English language, he has never yet succeeded in forcing it to reveal its meaning” - JB Morton I love that insult. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/57 "2002-09-03T21:14:38Z")
> [@](#): > > “Wow. You didn’t get any beauty sleep at all last night, did you?” In the spirit of this, one I read once: “His clothes looked as though they had been slept in for three days, which was odd, for he himself looked as though he had not slept at all in that same time.” I think it was Asimov, but I can’t remember what story it would have been. ---
**Author:** ![domesticatedjunglefowl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b38774/32.png) [@domesticatedjunglefowl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/domesticatedjunglefowl)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/58 "2002-09-03T21:37:59Z")
‘your awfully cute when you talking stupid like that!’ - crusty old redneck boss i used to have to a former coworker ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/59 "2002-09-04T09:41:29Z")
One that popped into my head tonight as I watched a cow-orker be defeated by an office chair, “Opposable thumbs are wasted on you, aren’t they?” ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296/60 "2002-09-04T13:47:49Z")
There are two insults I have to share with you. One was from a particularly nasty co-worker (I swear nothing good ever happened to this woman!): Go fuck yourself, and do it the hard way – don’t use your hands! The other is one I’ve thought of but never been pushed hard enough to use: So your life sucks and your lover don’t! Actually, I keep thinking that could be the beginning of a good blues song. CJ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-best-insults-youve-heard-read/126296.md?page=4)