# What are the chances a cop will shoot me for this(being a smart-ass) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 2, 2004, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219 "2004-06-02T05:41:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/1 "2004-06-02T05:41:42Z")
I’m watching one of those police-chase shows (the one with the former Sherriff, not _Cops_) and they did a segment on drunks trying to do the alphabet. I realized they ask you to say the alphabet. To which I thought well, say it phonetically! When the cop thinks you’re either drunk or an idiot, exclaim he didn’t ask you to _spell_ the alphabet. So, assuming you’re stone cold sober and just want to spread cheer and good humor, how likely do you think the subject would be shot? (To quote George Carlin: “These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the good schools.”) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![David\_Simmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9de053/32.png) [@David\_Simmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_Simmons)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/2 "2004-06-02T06:11:47Z")
Cops don’t have time to screw around with would-be comedians. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/3 "2004-06-02T06:53:15Z")
They wouldn’t shoot you for that. They _will_ shoot you, however, if you say “Zed” instead of “Zee.” ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/4 "2004-06-02T10:18:39Z")
I doubt that you’d get shot for it. But something tells me they won’t find it funny… ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/5 "2004-06-02T13:01:43Z")
> [@David Simmons](#): > > Cops don’t have time to screw around with would-be comedians. Right on with that ! 🙂 I like to minimize the amount of time I spend with the cops. The less time they spend with me, the more time they have to get the really bad guys. I can not imagine wasting their time, leading them to believe I was intoxicated when I really wasn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/6 "2004-06-02T13:07:11Z")
I don’t get it… 😕 ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/7 "2004-06-02T13:09:14Z")
> [@misstee](#): > > I can not imagine wasting their time, leading them to believe I was intoxicated when I really wasn’t. Well, I never said anyone should fake it. I’m talking about situations where the cops are most likely to pull you over looking for DUI’s. Memorial Day weekend, 4th of July weekend, Labor Day weekend, 20 minutes after your local bars close. It’s more a thing to spank them for trolling for you while the real criminals are elsewhere. Did you notice how I stated only to do this when sober? They don’t give a shit about your wasted time, and you’re paying them. As far as why they’d have you give the alphabet, that was the caveat of being sober. If they want to go that far, taking an extra 30 seconds for fun isn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/8 "2004-06-02T13:11:44Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > I don’t get it… 😕 Write the alphabet on a piece of paper and say it as if it were a word. It’ll take awhile ---
**Author:** ![Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/258eb7/32.png) [@Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wonko_The_Sane)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/9 "2004-06-02T13:17:18Z")
Three words: Body. Cavity. Search. A properly motivated police officer can find probable cause, given enough time. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/10 "2004-06-02T13:19:17Z")
> [@duffer](#): > > So, assuming you’re stone cold sober and just want to spread cheer and good humor … The best way to do that is be polite to the nice man with a gun who is in a very stressful situation. Being a smartass can easily get you into bad situation really quickly. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/11 "2004-06-02T13:21:23Z")
Cops have too many way to fuck with you for anything like this to be worth it. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/12 "2004-06-02T13:31:59Z")
> [@duffer](#): > > Write the alphabet on a piece of paper and say it as if it were a word. It’ll take awhile [singing] Ab-cuh-def-guh-jekyll-minop-qer-stoov-wix-is, it’s the most unusual word I’ve ever seeeeeeen! [/singing] If you learn nothing else from Real Cop shows, do not taunt the person with the badge, gun, wrist ties, mace, taser, and lots of friends just a radio call away who also have badges, guns, wrist ties, mace, tasers, and the right to throw your silly ass in jail just because you’re acting strange. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/13 "2004-06-02T13:32:33Z")
**Revtim and Tapioca** , I guess I should have pointed out the cops where I live are pretty bored, and therefore hard-ass. They look for the max arrests to build the resume. I can try to get a cite from the police dept. but I think I read in the daily fishwrap that the average tenure of the city cops is just over 3 years. I wouldn’t try this with the State Patrol or the Sherriff’s Deputies. They actually deserve respect. On the other hand, they would probably get a chuckle out of it. And before anyone wants to tell me what city cops go through, I know one. (Though not my city, a suburb even smaller) And I live here, I know what they’re like. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/14 "2004-06-02T13:41:08Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > [singing] > Ab-cuh-def-guh-jekyll-minop-qer-stoov-wix-is, it’s the most unusual word I’ve ever seeeeeeen! > [/singing] > > If you learn nothing else from Real Cop shows, do not taunt the person with the badge, gun, wrist ties, mace, taser, and lots of friends just a radio call away who also have badges, guns, wrist ties, mace, tasers, and the right to throw your silly ass in jail just because you’re acting strange. Acting strange isn’t illegal. And the test would go something like this: “AB-CuD-EF-GHIJ (jig) -KLMN (culm) -OP- QRS (curse) TUVW (tuhvoo -or- toovoo) XYZ (zisz)” Then you would offer to spell it out. OK, they wouldn’t actually shoot you, I tried out a little hyperbole in the OP. Again, only do this if you know there’s nothing else they can get you for. Wear your seatbelts, don’t speed and follow all other traffic laws. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/15 "2004-06-02T14:00:31Z")
Your risk of being shot is low at best. However, you might want to establish your tolerance for pepper spray before you attempt such an act! ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/16 "2004-06-02T14:35:57Z")
> [@duffer](#): > > Acting strange isn’t illegal. Perhaps not, but most cops will consider it to be probable cause. IMHO, people who ask questions like this have never actually been hassled by a law enforcement officer. There are literally dozens of things they can do to you if they want that are entirely legal. You won’t just get one sobriety test, you’ll get ten of them. Then they’ll want to take you to the station because their field meter isn’t working. It’ll just take another minute to finish running your license and registration. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, the computer is a little slow tonight. Oh, and can we take a look inside your car? What’s that? A warrant? Okay, we’ll just have to tow it to the impound lot while we get a warrant. It’ll take the tow truck about an hour to get here, and then about another four hours to process the warrant. Then a couple of hours to tear your car–oops, thoroughly search the vehicle. Why, no. Calling for back-up is routine during a traffic stop. Now, please don’t move a muscle while you lay there on the ground. Our German shepherd is very sensitive about sudden movements. …So by all means, feel free to spread a little cheer and good humor. I particularly recommend you try it on New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day or any other time when the police are working a 10-hour shift and have spent most of it dealing with real drunks. ---
**Author:** ![TommyTutone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c4cdca/32.png) [@TommyTutone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TommyTutone)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/17 "2004-06-02T14:41:40Z")
Not that I would do this myself, or recommend it to anyone, but this leads me to a slight hijack question: What would happen if you went out of your way to fail the sobriety tests, yet you were perfectly sober? That is you slur and miss letters in the alphabet, you don’t even come close to walking a straight line, and you stick your finger in your nose instead of to it. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/18 "2004-06-02T15:21:32Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Perhaps not, but most cops will consider it to be probable cause. > > IMHO, people who ask questions like this have never actually been hassled by a law enforcement officer. There are literally dozens of things they can do to you if they want that are entirely legal. > > You won’t just get one sobriety test, you’ll get ten of them. Then they’ll want to take you to the station because their field meter isn’t working. > > It’ll just take another minute to finish running your license and registration. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, the computer is a little slow tonight. > > Oh, and can we take a look inside your car? What’s that? A warrant? Okay, we’ll just have to tow it to the impound lot while we get a warrant. It’ll take the tow truck about an hour to get here, and then about another four hours to process the warrant. Then a couple of hours to tear your car–oops, thoroughly search the vehicle. > > Why, no. Calling for back-up is routine during a traffic stop. Now, please don’t move a muscle while you lay there on the ground. Our German shepherd is very sensitive about sudden movements. > > …So by all means, feel free to spread a little cheer and good humor. I particularly recommend you try it on New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day or any other time when the police are working a 10-hour shift and have spent most of it dealing with real drunks. Please read any of my previous posts in this thread. The premise was you were legal. I suspect that even 2 of your scenarios would have a cilvil rights lawyer begging you to retain him or her _pro bono_, to hit the city’s coffers. OK, I’ll spell it out. You’re sober, the car is registered, you have the tags and card, your insurance card just arrived last week in the mail so that’s covered. You have the emissions sticker (for those that need it. I took my catylytic converter off 2 years ago 😛 ) You just had your license renewed last month, you have no warrants and you never kicked a puppy. (Fuck, now I know what lawyers go through writing warnings to protect us from ourselves.) Oh, and you were wearing your seat-belt, all lights were working, tires were inflated to mfg. recommondations. Windshield and all other glass is intact. In addition, not only are you sober, you haven’t done any drugs for years, you have no outstanding debts, you’re not AWOL, you’re not carrying any sharp objects and you tell the officer of any guns you have in the vehicle. _My state doesn’t require gun registration and allows for concealed-carry_ Hell, that’ll be the first thing I tell the cop before even giving him my license. (Man, now I know how lawyers make money, explain shit!) ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/19 "2004-06-02T15:22:42Z")
> [@TommyTutone](#): > > Not that I would do this myself, or recommend it to anyone, but this leads me to a slight hijack question: > > What would happen if you went out of your way to fail the sobriety tests, yet you were perfectly sober? That is you slur and miss letters in the alphabet, you don’t even come close to walking a straight line, and you stick your finger in your nose instead of to it. Not a lawyer, but could they get you on obstruction? ---
**Author:** ![David\_Simmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9de053/32.png) [@David\_Simmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_Simmons)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2004, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219/20 "2004-06-02T15:25:26Z")
Why are we wasting time? Go ahead, **duffer** just do it! Give us a report on your findings. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-the-chances-a-cop-will-shoot-me-for-this-being-a-smart-ass/248219.md?page=2)