What are things that non-parents cannot understand?

In My Humble Opinion
21

And this is terrifying, knowing that no matter how hard you work to instill positive values, they could be the orchestrators of their own doom and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

I recently got into a discussion with a sanctimonious, childless college student who attributed every teen relationship failure to the kid’s parents. People without children, it seems to me, tend to way overestimate the power a parent has over their kid’s decisions.

I’m new at parenting, but what’s so crazy - making about it, for me, is that there are a billion things to worry about teaching your child. Even with my 14 month old, it’s like every second is imbued with a sense of responsibility for… everything to do with this kid’s development. Should I be feeding him a wider variety of foods? Should I be pushing him to use a spoon more? Should I let him select his clothing today? (I tried - he’s not there yet.) Is he getting enough social contact? Will he learn to share? Are we exposing him to enough novelty? Should I say the words for things or make him try it? (So far he has not said a single word, and I’m trying not to freak.) Am I responsive enough but not indulgent with his emotions?

And on, and on, and on, and on.

And that’s when you realize that you’re going to miss things. No matter how hard you try, you can’t forsee every challenge of every aspect of development. Parenting is literally an impossible task.

I’m sure when kids get older, it’s nice to not have diapers and toddlers destroying everything they touch, but I imagine this teaching responsibility gets infinitely more complex. And Og help us all with adolescence. It’s already the thing I worry about the most.

22

I never felt that and I’m often envious of those who did. By the time I got home from the hospital all I could think was, “What on earth did you just do?” I had the baby blues from hell. I look back on my son’s birth as such a dark period in my life.

It was some six months or so before I fell hopelessly in love. But man, when I fell, I fell hard.

23

All of the above parenting things are all true, and they are all true in different ways for each and every one of us.

There are certain things we do, or have happen to us that change us fundamentally, get married, join the military, get divorced, out live a sibling or other family member, have kids. As a fundamental change, it can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. How do I explain being a single dad to someone? I can talk and commiserate with other single parents about common issues such as child care worries, school etc, things common to all parents but aggravated by the “single” in front of parent. Yet parents in committed relationships can still understand some of these things to a degree, but how do I explain to someone who has never raised a child, been responsible for that child and their actions for 24 hours a day 7 days a week for nearly 2 decades?

It’s a such a fundamental change that I can’t even imagine what it would be like to NOT be a parent now, at the tail end of nearly 3 decades of actively rearing boys and getting them out into the world as positively contributing adults.

Parenting changes everything, physically, mentally, emotionally. And sometimes, parts of that, what we parents maybe think of as the important parts, is hard to explain, you have to experience it to understand it, to know it is the best we can do

24

On top of everything mentioned above, here’s another one: When your kid is being deliberately difficult, stubbornly refusing to listen to your attempt to communicate and guide, simply because the kid wants to assert his or her independence and right to choose his or her behavior, even if this is clearly the wrong path — it’s incredible how this obstinate little person standing sullenly in front of you can make you so angry, like, rage to the point of nausea, even while you continue to love them like nothing else in the world.

I had kids very late in life, and this emotional paradox never came up until I was a parent. One can have contradictory emotions about anything, sure, but the purity of it is unique to parenting.

26

He’s 14 months old and not speaking yet? Hmmmm. Have you considered maybe you are doing something wrong? When my daughter was 14 months old, she had already memorized the Gettysburg Address, in the German translation, of course.

Just joking! It’s too easy to compare your kids and feel something is wrong!

27

Presumably because Swahili was beyond your children. Don’t feel bad it’s probably not your fault. Although if you’d just shown them a little bit more love…

28

My daughter hasn’t either, it’s really hard not to worry.

29

IANA parent. But one of my long-time best friends had/has two wonderful people for kids and was kind enough to share his philosophy as I watched he, his wife, and Time turn toddlers into amazing grown-ups. Paraphrasing mightily the results of a couple decades of talking and watching …

Remember you’re not raising kids. You’re raising adults. Your job is to produce an adult at the end. Not a 10yo in a 18yo’s body. You do this by challenging them just a bit each day towards that goal. They want to grow and mature; let them. In fact, push them but gently and continuously not in occasional big jumps.

At first it’s sitting up. Then holding a spoon. Eventually it’s how to go about getting a job and choosing a career or mate. Protect them carefully from life-changing danger but not from mistakes; that’s where the real learning happens.

The better you do the first 5 years the easier the rest will be.

So for you, @Spice_Weasel I say. Don’t worry, but do do. It’s a slowly evolving marathon; just try to keep up. The little one(s) will show you what they’re ready to be challenged with as long as you’re paying attention.

30

My sister had her kids about 10 years before I had mine. She told me something which I found to be quite true. Younger kids take more moment to moment work, where you are just constantly busy doing one thing after the next.

As they get older, you are less busy, but the problems become more complex and there is even less certainty.

My daughter (Beta-chan for those who remember) is already 12 and has her moments. My son is 10 and keeps me busy as well.

Like anything else, the changes are (sort of) gradual and you get used to them.

31

I’ve always said, the only perfect parents are the ones without kids!

Before you have kids, it’s easy to see a slice of someone’s parenting life and decide how much better you could/will do. “Oh, I would NEVER do that…” Never say never, at least not until you’ve walked in parental shoes. When you’ve had approximately 36 minutes of uninterrupted sleep for four nights in a row, guess what? You just might do THAT thing you thought you would NEVER do. Whatever it may be. Whatever it may take to just get an hour’s nap or an entire meal without interruption or go pee with the door closed.

There are so many things you just don’t get until you are the ONE, the ONLY one, responsible for the well-being of this little teeny, tiny helpless thing that you fall so deeply in love with that you never ever knew how deeply and FIERCELY you could love another being.

It is all on YOU (and your co-parent, if that’s your circumstance) to provide for, protect, teach, and a thousand other things you are solely responsible for. Other people may help and assist, but ultimately it is YOUR responsibility, noone else’s. Regardless of how tired, how busy, how sick, how bored, how anxious, how depressed, how hurt, how anything you are, it is still YOUR responsibility, 24/7, to ensure this child has its needs met and more.

There is no greater burden, and no greater joy, all at the same time, with everything in between.

You can’t explain how you feel about your child/children - the feelings are simply too deep, too strong, too complex. It’s something you have to experience. You have to FEEL it, you can’t THINK it.

32

No, but I am 84 and it hasn’t stopped yet. If I could live just one portion of my life over again, it would be the kid-raising years. And I wouldn’t do anything different.

33

Totally agree, despite the fact that I never wanted kids to begin with.

34

Yeah, just the day to day logistics is wearing.

And it’s stressful all the time. You can never relax or really focus on doing anything because at any moment the kids might interrupt with some DADDY!! DADDY!! DADDY!! request or a fight breaks out or something jut got broken. Like you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Another thing I don’t really hear mentioned is the crushing sense of responsibility. Particularly with the events of the past year.

35

Wow… 12??? Where did the time go??? Now I feel old.

36

In my experience, people that said that to me are trying to feel superior. “Oh, you wouldn’t understand.” Like their decision to have a child makes them somehow special, better. Here’s reality: most everyone does it. And a lot of people are bad at it.

I have a lot of empathy. I can understand quite a bit how parenting really is. That’s why I don’t have kids.

OK there is one thing I don’t understand: this obsession with baby’s first poop. Every new parent I’ve worked with just had to share the runny details.

37

Mine are young adults, and I wake at night in terror about their well being, just as I did when they were infants. My youngest suffers a lot from depression and anxiety, my oldest has substance abuse issues that are getting more under control (he isn’t sober, its affecting his ability to function less than it used to).

And how much parenting is a lesson in humility.

38

Because when your kid doesn’t poop, or doesn’t pee, or doesn’t eat, that is incredibly stressful.

“Baby should poop,” says everybody.

“Baby not poop!” says new parent.

“Finally, baby poop! We’re not completely idiots!” new parents say to everybody.

39

But WE DON’T CARE!

If babby doesn’t go, take babby to the doctor.

40

Yep, definitely not a parent, says this parent and doctor. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

41

“The baby isn’t pooping, call the doctor!”
“We already called the doctor when one arm was a different color than the other, and they said it was fine.”
“Then look in the manual.”
“It didn’t come with a manual!”
“I’m calling the doctor. The doctor says newborns may not poop for several days.”
“Is the baby broken? I thought babies pooped all the time!”
“Look, the baby pooped, tell everybody the baby isn’t broken!”

Or something like that.

Cut new parents slack, and just scroll past the poop posts, and pictures of weird purple things with pointy heads and scrunched up faces. New parents haven’t slept in days, are going through a flood of new emotions, and often one of them has just gone through a major physical trauma.

If you have Disney+, watch Bluey series 2 episode 47 “Baby Race”. I mean, it won’t actually help, other than let you know that somebody out there sees you.