# What Are You Doing With That Whale? Top 10 Answers **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 24, 2000, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432 "2000-06-24T23:58:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/1 "2000-06-24T23:58:51Z")
In the [stupid things you do when you’re young](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=26876) thread I mentioned I was arrested for stealing a cardboard whale. Since I’m bored at work during the last 8 hours of a 76 hour work week, I’ve decided to explain how it happened. We were drinking at the NCO club at Brooks AFB, the club was closing and as my friends Tom and Greg and I left, we saw this huge cardboard cut out of Shamu, advertising San Antonio’s Sea World. We decided that it would look great in the dorm rooms. Tom grabbed it, we got three steps out the door, when the Security Police pulled up in front of us. One of the guys, Joey who used to hang out with us, got out and asked, “What are you guys doing with that whale?” Tom: “I won it in the limbo contest.” Joey: “If I ask Bruce [the NCO club manager] if that’s where you got it, is that what he’ll say?” Tom: “Maybe.” So with that answer, we were all taken to the station, Shamu included. When Bruce was called to the station to retrieve his whale, he said he wasn’t going to press charges cuz it was just a cardboard whale. The next night we were at the club again, all laughing at the stupidity of being arrested for stealing a whale. We started blaming Tom for the arrest, cuz he didn’t give the right answer to the question, “What are you doing with that whale?” We wrote down alternative answers on a cocktail napkin should the situation ever arise again. (Which it did, two weeks later, but I kept the whale and had it in my dorm room for two years. Pix will be on my homepage as soon as the scanner is fixed.) Anyway, I lost that cocktail napkin and am trying to come up with a Top Ten List again. I need help because so far I only have 5: 1. The Jedi Mind Trick Response: I do not have a whale. I may go about my business. 2. First Animal Lover Response: Free Willy! 3. Second Animal Lover Response: Don’t talk about my girlfriend that way! 4. Confused Response: Whale? What whale? 5. Doing My Duty Resonse: My name’s Ace Ventura, I’m a pet detective. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/2 "2000-06-25T00:05:34Z")
1. Monica’s answer: I’m freeing Willy! 2. I’m sorry Citizen, you’re not cleared for that answer. 3. I’m taking it home, \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ said so. 4. No, it’s kidnapping me! 5. There is no whale, there is only yourself. 6. Dude, what are you on? I don’t have a whale! 7. You people are _so_ closeminded! 8. Grilling him. 9. This is for my kid sister’s science experment. 10. Returning him to his habitat. ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/3 "2000-06-25T00:30:26Z")
“well, I wasn’t doing too good with the ladies, and I had a few, and by closing time this whale started to look good…” They’ll probably kick you lose… ---
**Author:** ![lswote](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lswote/32/5737_2.png) [@lswote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lswote)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/4 "2000-06-25T00:32:49Z")
1. Rush me to a hospital, this whale has been run over by a steam roller. 2. This is bait. Tomorrow I’m going fishing for a nuclear submarine. 3. This is a Southwest Airline’s plane. The wings are in the car. 4. This is just one of my Navy buddies who has been at sea too long. 5. Well see I was drowning and he said if he rescued me I had to take him drinking. ---
**Author:** ![SILENT-BOB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@SILENT-BOB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SILENT-BOB)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/5 "2000-06-25T00:36:51Z")
😃 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![lswote](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lswote/32/5737_2.png) [@lswote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lswote)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/6 "2000-06-25T00:51:39Z")
Bob, that’s only 2. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/7 "2000-06-25T01:39:11Z")
Ok, so far, here’s my favorite answers: From **Saint Zero** - No, it’s kidnapping me! From **lurkernomore** - well, I wasn’t doing too good with the ladies, and I had a few, and by closing time this whale started to look good… And two from **Wanderer** - Rush me to a hospital, this whale has been run over by a steam roller. and Well see I was drowning and he said if he rescued me I had to take him drinking. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/8 "2000-06-25T01:47:26Z")
Do a very bad ventriloquist imitation and make the whale say, “Well, he ain’t slim, but that’s no reason to call him names.” ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/9 "2000-06-25T01:58:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Do a very bad ventriloquist imitation and make the whale say, “Well, he ain’t slim, but that’s no reason to call him names.” > \*\* ROTFLMAO!!! I just busted out laughing at work and had three people peek over the divider at me. You ass, you’re gonna get me fired posting stuff like that. **Rysdad’s** reply just made the list. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/10 "2000-06-25T02:07:29Z")
BTW - I guess I should mention that my favorite answers are going to be on the homepage next to the pic of the whale, I’ll give credit where it’s due. ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/11 "2000-06-25T06:05:55Z")
Trekkie answer: “Well, officer, there’s this alien probe creating weather disturbances . . .” – Sylence ---
**Author:** ![Kiva](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/d78d45/32.png) [@Kiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiva)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/12 "2000-06-25T06:53:50Z")
Well, 'ysee, there were these Vogons, and… Blame it on that damn improbability drive! ---
**Author:** ![Bluepony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Bluepony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluepony)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/13 "2000-06-25T06:55:24Z")
Bratman, I gotta hand it to you. It was people like you that made my 20 years as an Air Force cop _so_ interesting. 🙂 My favorite would be the Jedi Mind Trick Response. It wouldn’t have worked with me, but at least I’d be laughing all the way back to the station while I was briefing you on your rights! The response by your friend Tom reminds me of that classic scene in Ghostbusters where Zul asks Egon, “Are you gods?” and Egon replies “Well…no” Whereupon the Ghostbusters are treated to a trillion-volt energy barrage. _Next time a cop asks you if Bruce said it was o.k. say “YES”…_ :::slapping Tom upside the head::: ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/14 "2000-06-25T09:47:33Z")
“The sheep heard my zipper.” :ducking and running: ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/15 "2000-06-25T09:50:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Well, 'ysee, there were these Vogons, and… > > Blame it on that damn improbability drive! > \*\* Don’t forget the bowl of petunias. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DVous\_Means](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@DVous\_Means](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DVous_Means)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/16 "2000-06-25T15:17:42Z")
Here’s my (belated) 2 cents worth: “Well, we heard he needed circumcising, and we just happen to know four skin divers…” ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/17 "2000-06-25T15:51:15Z")
He was looking thin, so we decided to introduce him to The Beer Diet. I heard he was a humpback, if ya know what I’m saying. He was making me horny. Yeah, baby! We’re taking him out on the town. He’s feeling flat. Whale, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. I always dreamed of being a pirate, you see. Aaaaarr. I found a hook and an eyepatch…even a peg leg, ya scurvy landlubber. But I never could find a parrot. Aaaarrrh. This sea dog of a whale will have to do. Hoist the mainsail! Batten the plank! Hard to starport! Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrhhh! ---
**Author:** ![casdave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@casdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/casdave)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/18 "2000-06-25T15:52:18Z")
Hey honey, that ain’t no whale I’m just pleased to see you. Somebody has to test the handling of Harleys don’t they. I’m drinking he’s driving The pet store had a fire sale Taking him back to the tailors for his second fitting Damn these internet dating agencies…ooooon the other hand …it _might_ work out I’m waiting for Captain Kirk Hoping I don’t have to bury him Going down the tattooists Collecting his jammies from the laundry * * * There that’s my ten up but here’s another for free Hey careful with that cocktail stick, dontcha know he has a phobia. ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/19 "2000-06-25T16:09:53Z")
He’s a Jewish whale. I was about to circumcise him. That’s why I have these four skin divers with me. ---
**Author:** ![Narile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Narile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Narile)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2000, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432/20 "2000-06-25T18:24:43Z")
INS response - INS, this whale is in the country illegally, we are here to send it back to its father. MIB response - INS Division 6, The whale is really an alien, please look into this odd looking flashlight. Guido’s response - Horse heads just don’t work for Mr. Coustaeu. MPatHG - Well, you see there is this castle, and the giant wooden rabbit didn’t work… _Ni!!!_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-you-doing-with-that-whale-top-10-answers/23432.md?page=2)