# What are your best/worst similes/metaphors? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 12, 2007, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539 "2007-07-12T20:32:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rich\_Mann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@Rich\_Mann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_Mann)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2007, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/21 "2007-07-14T07:52:41Z")
As useless as a unicycle with two flat tires. As welcome as a nosebleed the day before laundry day. As happy as a clam…in a bowl of chowder. ---
**Author:** ![Shamozzle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shamozzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shamozzle)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2007, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/22 "2007-07-14T09:30:28Z")
…sounded like a bag of cats being thrown through a plate-glass window (not to be confused with:) …sounded like a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. \<–From what movie? ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2007, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/23 "2007-07-23T20:59:24Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] That’s from _True Lies_. I like this one from _The Cowboy Way_: “You’re face looks like a hat full of assholes.” [/QUOTE] Now THAT reminds me of one I heard in Jr. HS: “You look like you chased a fart through a keg of nails” (said to a student with really severe acne) ---
**Author:** ![SiouxChief](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@SiouxChief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SiouxChief)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2007, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/24 "2007-07-23T21:06:23Z")
[QUOTE=Sunrazor] It was so hot the humidity rose from the grass and felt me up like a pervert in a men’s room. [/QUOTE] Best ever. That’s awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2007, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/25 "2007-07-23T21:20:50Z")
My friend used to say this after a big meal (as a play on the line “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”): I so full I could shit a horse. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2007, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/26 "2007-07-23T21:29:55Z")
Martinis are like breasts; one’s not enough and three’s too many. She looked at me like a side dish she didn’t order. He was all over me like a cheap suit. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2007, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/27 "2007-07-23T21:33:54Z")
That car runs like a scalded monkey. Fell to the ground like a dead midget. A good simile is like… awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2007, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/28 "2007-07-23T22:01:10Z")
I get a lot of strange looks when I say “I’m all over that like flies on rice” (a tendency spawned from an occasion when I started to say like flies on something else and then reconsidered my word choice halfway through). However, there’s another variation I use: “I’m all over that like flies on a dead hooker.” Also, “I’ve got to race like a pisshorse.” What can I say, I’m a delicate flower. ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2007, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/29 "2007-07-23T23:44:43Z")
“Kickin’ more ass than a cross-eyed Rockette” “He’s got a face like a pitbull licking piss off a thistle” “Dumber than a bag full of hammers” ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/30 "2007-07-24T01:59:22Z")
Years ago, when explaining to my then-boyfriend that, if he was going to buy me a ring, I much preferred silver, I tried to express how beautiful I think silver is – I told him “silver is like polished fog.” As an afterthought, I added “whereas gold is like … polished urine.” So a few years went by and the relationship soured. In one of our unhappy near-the-end discussions, he criticized me for being gross – “your idea of a simile is to say that gold is like polished urine!” I protested that that was just a throw-away line; my real comment was to say that silver is like polished fog. So he said “yeah, but who remembers stuff like that anyway? It’s the disgusting things that people remember.” I guess it’s true. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/31 "2007-07-24T02:04:12Z")
I’ve been busier than a one-armed man in an asswiping contest. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/32 "2007-07-24T02:47:42Z")
No one’s mentioned these yet? He was a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal. …so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. ---
**Author:** ![Gengis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/df705f/32.png) [@Gengis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gengis)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/33 "2007-07-24T03:02:53Z")
My favorite, which I use whenever appropriate: "Can’t swing a dead cat without hitting… (insert anything ubiquitous and annoyingly numerous, i.e. “a corrupt politician”) Is that a metaphor or simile, or just a quaint turn of phrase? I also enjoy collecting these: Let’s run it up the flag pole, see if anyone salutes. Let’s shoot it into space, see if it orbits. Let’s throw it on the wall, see if it sticks. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/34 "2007-07-24T03:17:56Z")
To use official military speak: You are a soup sandwich You are more F\*\*\*ed up than a football bat If stupid was a people, you’d be China. Or to quote George Carlin: She was only a hooker, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. Some others I picked up along the way: Hotter than a whore in church Her ti\*s look like two watermelons in a downhill race, and the left one is winning. SSG Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/35 "2007-07-24T03:32:26Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] I’ve been busier than a one-armed man in an asswiping contest. [/QUOTE] or: Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_First_Time)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/36 "2007-07-24T03:38:14Z")
Bart Simpson on someone caving in: He folds faster than Superman on laundry day. I’ve always been partial to - Happy as a rat in warm butter. ---
**Author:** ![Incensed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Incensed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incensed)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/37 "2007-07-24T04:41:33Z")
“What could he do? He stood there looking at me like a pet goat.” (Pertaining to a person’s response to an unexpected/outrageous statement-ie, confused/curious/waiting for an explanation.) “He kept turning it over and over again–like a monkey trying to fuck a football.” (Said of someone who has undertaken a task which they have no idea how to begin, much less complete.) The first is from my uncle, the second from my father. There’s a lot of country wisdom floating around out there kids, just begging to be harnessed. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_Mann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@Rich\_Mann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_Mann)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/38 "2007-07-24T08:21:40Z")
[QUOTE=Gengis] I also enjoy collecting these: Let’s run it up the flag pole, see if anyone salutes. Let’s shoot it into space, see if it orbits. Let’s throw it on the wall, see if it sticks. [/QUOTE] Let’s nail it to a cross and see who genuflects. ---
**Author:** ![Alive\_At\_Both\_Ends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Alive\_At\_Both\_Ends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alive_At_Both_Ends)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/39 "2007-07-24T09:35:15Z")
[QUOTE=Martini Enfield] I’ve always liked the reference to Vogon Constructor Fleets “Hanging in the air in exactly the same way that bricks don’t”, from _The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy_. 😃 [/QUOTE] Not to mention the drink that was “almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea”. ---
**Author:** ![VanillaGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f9ae1b/32.png) [@VanillaGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VanillaGorilla)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2007, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539/40 "2007-07-24T10:16:39Z")
As black as a politicians heart. or: As empty as a womans head. _ducks_ 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-best-worst-similes-metaphors/411539.md?page=1)