# What are your litmus tests for a SO? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 21, 2006, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356 "2006-03-21T22:25:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2006, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/81 "2006-03-25T01:08:26Z")
My litmus test is that she must not have pH less than 6.0. ---
**Author:** ![groo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecd19e/32.png) [@groo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/groo)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2006, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/82 "2006-03-25T02:06:03Z")
She must think that “pull my finger” is downright hilarious. And the pulse thing. ---
**Author:** ![New\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/46a35a/32.png) [@New\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Girl)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2006, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/83 "2006-03-25T03:00:56Z")
I don’t think that anyone should limit themself so much as to have just one type of mate. I have had all different kinds of boyfriends, and I still remain open-minded. Although I admit I HAVE discovered a few things I don’t like–smoking, drugs, sexist comments and behavior, and rich pretty boys. The respect is probably the most important factor. Otherwise, I like them all. I just love the opposite sex, and I don’t want to hinder my experience by putting precautions on it like training wheels. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2006, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/84 "2006-03-25T04:41:00Z")
Same with men and women – if you run into someone who discounts you because you’re not their type, it’s their loss. It’s definitely not yours. If you try to be someone else, how well is that going to end up? If what they want isn’t you, then find someone who does… but I’ve never known a woman worth knowing who would reject a guy because she wanted BLACK hair, damn it, and his is BROWN. And ditto for girls. If a guy looks you up and down and says “Nah, your ass is too fat,” then he’s a dick. He may be a handsome dick, a charming-to-smaller-girls dick, a successful $75k a year dick, but he’s still a dick. There’s evolved guys out there who aren’t dicks, just fewer. And hey, elmwood, you wouldn’t like me. 'Cause I’m probably bigger than you. But I’m not offended by that. You know what you want, and I’m not going to sit in the corner crying because it’s not me. My own checklist: - Takes decent care of themself – i.e. regular showers and clean clothes and the like. - Is intelligent – has opinions that they have formulated themselves rather than taking from the latest Daily Show or Comedy Central comedian. - Preferably, likes Terry Pratchett or is willing to try reading him. - Has a sense of humor and can make me laugh. - Has ambition. It doesn’t matter if the ambition is ‘become a doctor and a lawyer and a superhero’ or ‘read the Kalevala in the original’. Goals are Good. - Will work out with me (or at least prod me to go to karate class) and likes to eat home-made, healthy food – yes, I’m overweight. I’d rather not be. I don’t need someone to be my personal trainer, but I’d like someone to go swimming or walking with me. - Does not mind that I am overweight and working on changing that. I’m not trying to starve myself, I just want to be healthy. Thanks. - Does not mind if I am a wee bit religious – not to the point of bashing people with crosses, more to the point of churching it up on Sundays at a liberal Episcopal church. - Must tolerate cats. Just the two. They mostly entertain one another. - Is not a great huge sucking vortex of ego, pessimism, and general negativity. - Does not assume that anyone who disagrees with them is stupid. - Likes geeks. - Preferably does not smoke or drink often or take drugs. Pot is… ehh. I don’t have any personal problems with it, but I don’t want it in my house. - Does not need me to support them, just as I don’t require them to support me. - Faithful and monogamous and expects the same. Pretty much everything else including gender is negotiable/optional. Frankly, physical features – height, features, etc – matter surprisingly little when you’re in love with someone. I happen to like dark curly hair, and my most recent unrequited crush was physically a ringer for Kevin Smith. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2006, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/85 "2006-03-25T04:46:32Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Female. > > Non-smoker. > (Definitely no tobacco, but I might tolerate a small amount of pot if it was not while I was around.) > > No illegal drugs. > > Not more than social drinking. > > Non-religious. > ( **Walloon** , for me anyways, this is shorthand for "no inerrantists, single-truthers, only-one-way-to-god-ists, fundamentalists, fanatics, proselytisers, inquisitors, or anyone who believes that their relationship with their god or gods is more important tnan their relationship with their fellow human or with the earth. > > I suspect I could get along with many Unitarian Universalists, Ismaili Muslims, “liberal” Christians, Reform Jews, Hindus, etc. But as soon as you start talking about shutting away women or elevating ideology over intellectual freedom or shunning people because they dare to look outside the community, I am _so_ out of there. > > That said, there’s at least one thinking passionate Christian on these boards who has been the subject of one of my DoperCrushes for quite some time. She’s married, so I haven’t said anything; I don’t want to be_siege_ her.) > > Must like sex. 🙂 Which translates to, “Does not believe the human body is evil.” Although it can be distracting at times. > > Pets: cats okay. No yappy neurotic dogs. Other dogs, as well as iguanas, ferrets, snakes, etc, depending on whether we get along with each other… > > Kids: depends on whether we get along together. > > Must be her own person, not a celebrity-driven fashion slave. > > Not a lot of makeup. > > After all that, physical looks are relatively unimportant. There are many different women I find physically attractive, though I confess a liking for the plumper bustier types. > > :: wanders off, listening to _Cornershop_ and thinking of how amazing South Asian women can be… :: _looks left_ _looks right_ …how YOU doin’? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2006, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/86 "2006-03-25T05:26:48Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > Because when the vast majority of women that are my peers have those detailed, non-negotiable checklists, it makes dating damn close to impossible. But dating _is_ damn close to impossible. It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s sometimes ridiculous, etc. What your venting boils down to is still that you’re pissed because a “vast majority” of your female peers don’t, for whatever reason, want to date you. (You’re the one who keeps using terms like “severly limits” and “vast majority,” btw … I think you’re overstating the problem, but if you’re not then I think you’re looking in the wrong places.) Look, sometimes I’ll find a guy’s profile at a dating site and he seems great: smart, good writing skills, funny, etc. He matches the location and education stuff, he doesn’t smoke, he’s the right age, and he’s even willing to consider a woman who has “a few extra pounds.” Then I get to the very end of his profile, and oh, look – he hates tattoos. Well, that takes me right out of the running, then, even if I would have been perfect for him in every other respect. Is it frustrating? Sure, sometimes. But even though I’ve run into that very situation several times, I never get pissed off about it because I know there are going to be WAY more men who _don’t_ want to date me than who do. And that would be true no matter what I looked like (short of being a model), how many tattoos I did or didn’t have, etc. So guys who hate tattoos get added to the “remove from search results” list, and life goes on. > [@](#): > > You know, if I was an overweight woman complaining about men now wanting to date me, I’d have a page of \<\\> by now. Not from me (_or_ **Antinor01** ). I’m a fat chick, and I would _never_ complain about men not wanting to date me because of my weight … or because of _anything_ that I could control. It’s also a simple fact of life that being overweight decreases attractiveness. Anyone complaining about that would get the exact same “get over it” response from me that you’re getting. > [@](#): > > As a man complaining about women not wanting to date me because I only have 95% of the traits they’re looking for on their checklists, not 100%, because they really _deserve_ 100% after all, I’m supposed to cowboy up and be grateful I really know how superficial they are. No, you’re supposed to realize that it doesn’t matter whether there’s a checklist, or how many traits you match on it, or how superficial you think it is … if someone doesn’t want to date you they don’t want to date you, and I continue to assert that it’s a huge waste of energy to get all worked up over people who don’t want to date you because you think the reason they don’t want to date you is stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Large\_Marge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/50afbb/32.png) [@Large\_Marge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Large_Marge)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2006, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/87 "2006-03-25T05:44:29Z")
No smokers. No alcoholics/druggies. Most everything else I can work with. ---
**Author:** ![Walloon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/fbc32d/32.png) [@Walloon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walloon)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/88 "2006-03-27T02:21:32Z")
**Little Plastic Ninja** , can I send you my résumé and photo? 🙂😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/89 "2006-03-27T02:51:02Z")
> [@Little Plastic Ninja](#): > > _looks left_ > > _looks right_ > > …how YOU doin’? 😃 :: rereads **LPN** ’s post :: Why, just fine, thank you! 🙂 :: glances in **Wallloon** ’s direction, prepares to battle rival :: ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/90 "2006-03-27T03:16:46Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Are there lots of shallow people out there with arbitrary lists of mate qualities? Of course. There are also lots of people out there who really _aren’t_ all that shallow _until_ they start looking for a mate. I’ve been that way, so I assume others are, too. I’m to the point where none of it really bothers me all that much anymore except the “ambition”/“confidence”/“financially successful” stuff. That, to me, is like putting out a sign saying, “blatant howling alpha-dogs only need apply.” Guys like that put me in my place all through high school, so sue me. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/91 "2006-03-27T04:13:51Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > There are also lots of people out there who really _aren’t_ all that shallow _until_ they start looking for a mate. I’ve been that way, so I assume others are, too. > > I’m to the point where none of it really bothers me all that much anymore except the “ambition”/“confidence”/“financially successful” stuff. That, to me, is like putting out a sign saying, “blatant howling alpha-dogs only need apply.” Guys like that put me in my place all through high school, so sue me. I get around this by reflecting on what “financially successful” really means. Do these women want just the look–the mink, the Ferrari, the bling, whatever–or do they want the substance? Now, the look may help to snag someone, but how well does that last in the long run? I mean, I may have no Ferrari, but I also have no debt. I may arguably be far wealthier, or at least more secure, than someone with a million-dollar house and a mortgage to match. That someone needs to hang onto his high-paying job and keep making those payments; I have more freedom. I’m a Q-ship, baby, comin’ in under the radar. 😃 Now, being financially-successful is not the same as being ambitious _or_ being confident. Ambition has little to do with one’s present state of wealth (or anything else). I do find that being debtless has enormously helped my confidence, though. But the women who use these expressions as code for ‘I want the bling, baby!’…well, I’m not interested in them, either, so it averages out. And the men who really are debt-free _and_ have the bling: I think it can be safely said that they actually have some alpha-dog qualities. But they are probably far rarer than indebted bling-holders. ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/92 "2006-03-27T06:07:53Z")
There have been some very interesting discussions in this thread. I never drafted a list of qualities or requirements of a potential mate. I just witnessed a lot of really bad behaviors and knew what I _didn’t_ want in a wife. So I went wifeless until I was 39. In the two years before we married, I noticed that she lacked all these things I hoped my partner would lack, and that she had reams and reams of other qualities that were on the list of what it would be ideal for me to find in another person: - very smart. Not only from formal education, but knows a lot about a lot of different things. - creative, talented. (We are both musicians; she teaches.) - likes a lot of the same kinds of music as I do. - did not drink, smoke, take dangerous drugs, not into clubbing - no religion (not militant about it, just not into it) - did not want to have any kids - this may seem extremely petty, but I wanted someone who is highly, even scarily fluent in English. If she couldn’t read, write or spell, it would have been a mismatch. (That was one of the first things that attracted us.) I live for wordplay, puns and making people laugh. She would have to get my sense of humor, and have one of her own. - did not participate in stereotypical behaviors: no fighting or arguing. No nagging, bitching and complaining. There is _always_ a better way to resolve differences when they arise. My potential person would have to know what those ways are. - Honest. Trustworthy. Monogamous. Confident. Competent. Well, I found her. She was 1200 miles away, but when you get this close to finding the person who most meets your criteria, you’d better take advantage of it, or risk never having it. That was a risk I was not willing to take. We’ll have been married eight years in May. ---
**Author:** ![Gozu\_Tashoya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7993a0/32.png) [@Gozu\_Tashoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu_Tashoya)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/93 "2006-03-27T08:35:46Z")
> [@amarinth](#): > > Yes, they are out of your league - but it’s not major v. minor league. It’s NFL v. MLB. To continue the sports metaphor even further, your amazing free-throw percentage simply doesn’t matter if she’s looking for a power hitter. I’m generally not the biggest fan of sports metaphors, but these are awesome. 😃 There may be things I’m forgetting, but the broad strokes include that she: Is at least as smart as I am. (Not hard.) Is physically attractive to me. Is passionate about something that I don’t find off-putting. (I’m not sure I could date a taxidermist, for instance.) Her being a bit of a geek would be nice, but I’m not sure if it’s mandatory or not… ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/94 "2006-03-27T15:08:02Z")
Why I do de_clare_, I can’t say I rightly disapprove of the odd gentleman (or otherwise) caller… 😃 (my kingdom for a Doper meet somewhere equally convenient among three very disparate locations… granted it’s not much of a kingdom, but it has crown moulding) I’ve never really understood the perpetual desire to be taken care of that it seems all women have. Not the women I’ve met, just the women who apparently exist elsewhere. I know one guy who really wants to be the caretaker, the bringer-home of the bacon, to the extent that he’d rather his significant other not work at all. Apparently the idea makes many women chomp at the bit, but very few women I know would be comfortable in that sort of arrangement. And it’s not even particularly feminist reasons for all of them – they don’t want to foist their debt and expenses entirely on another person, far preferring to share equally. It also took me several years of adult life until I realized that some men seem to really LIKE the insane games women play. The mindreading games, the “does this make my ass look fat” games, the general insanity I never completely understood. It still mystifies me, though I suppose it might be the mystery that they find appealing. Specifically, it would seem, the mystery of “what the HECK is she thinking?!” ---
**Author:** ![dre2xl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/34f0e0/32.png) [@dre2xl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dre2xl)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/95 "2006-03-27T16:08:49Z")
hrm… litmus tests are worthless. There’s very few I’ve broken by now, although there’s a whole lot of “would be nice…” checklists. The only constants I’ve established: 1. must not smoke or do drugs 2. straight male 3. not an unmotivated shell 4. understands that if we get into a relationship, and if he cheats, the penalty is death by disembowelment with a wooden spoon (I’m talking about -real- cheating here, not watching porn or anything like that). Of course he has the freedom to do the same to me should that happen. generally, the more intelligent a guy is, the more attractive he is. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/96 "2006-03-27T16:15:10Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > \Look, sometimes I’ll find a guy’s profile at a dating site and he seems great: smart, good writing skills, funny, etc. He matches the location and education stuff, he doesn’t smoke, he’s the right age, and he’s even willing to consider a woman who has “a few extra pounds.” Then I get to the very end of his profile, and oh, look – he hates tattoos. Well, that takes me right out of the running, then, even if I would have been perfect for him in every other respect. Is it frustrating? Sure, sometimes. But even though I’ve run into that very situation several times, I never get pissed off about it because I know there are going to be WAY more men who _don’t_ want to date me than who do. And that would be true no matter what I looked like (short of being a model), how many tattoos I did or didn’t have, etc. So guys who hate tattoos get added to the “remove from search results” list, and life goes on.\ For me, it was the same with guys who listed body piercings as a turn-off. I ran across one guy who look **perfect** , until I saw that he didn’t like body piercings. I e-mailed him anyway, basically that even if he didn’t like piercings, I’m always looking for new friends. We hung out a few times as friends before we started dating. He’s still not sold on the piercings, but they don’t bother him too much. He doesn’t mention them, and I’ll take out my lip ring on special occasions. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2006, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356/97 "2006-03-27T16:22:51Z")
My “litmus test” is just a list of my husband’s finest qualities. 😃 When I dated, I dated pretty much anyone. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and two in which I was cheated on. I have pretty low self-esteem, because most guys want a girl who looks a certain way and acts a certain way, and they would happily screw me until they saw the teeny blond thing they really wanted. So I took any old jerk that comes along, figuring I’d never be able to get anything better, until I met my husband. My wonderful husband, who is handsome, kind, and loving, who jumped through hoops of fire just to prove he loved me. _Me_. Me with the big hips and non-blond hair, me who is not tiny and has a funny face, me who doesn’t meet any other man’s standards except his - he, who just required me to love him in return. If it weren’t for him, I’d be dating women pretty much full time. As it is, I only “dated” a handful, but they were brief and fleeting and sweet, not long enough to call a relationship. At least they had the consideration not to lead me on until someone “better” [looking] came along. I had a very hard time trusting men, which is why my husband decided to leap through those hoops to prove he wasn’t like them. He thought I was worth it, and still feels that way. I would do the same for him in a heartbeat, as the feeling is mutual. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-are-your-litmus-tests-for-a-so/349356.md?page=4)