# What can a father do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2013, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646 "2013-04-14T00:31:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![penelope3d](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@penelope3d](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/penelope3d)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/1 "2013-04-14T00:31:03Z")
My sons ex GF is due to have a baby, my son says the chance of the child being his is a possibility. The problem he is having is that the girlfriend wont give his name as the potential father. She told me that she wants to keep the courts out of it and that my son just gives her money. Thats a red flag to me, but there is a chance that the child could be his. We don’t have the money for attorneys and DNA, she is receiving medical coverage from the welfare. He is upset that he could be the babies daddy and she now refuses to take his calls, and wont allow him at the hospital. First child to be and he will never get that special moment, none of us will. Can he contact Jobs and Family Services and give his name as possible father? Any advice would be appreciated ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/2 "2013-04-14T00:36:58Z")
Make sure he pays ONLY via check to her with child support clearly listed in the memo. Otherwise WHEN she goes after him for back support plus penalties and interest he wont get fucked like I did. Seriously, checks only. Best would be an acct set up for the kid. ---
**Author:** ![DataX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@DataX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DataX)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/3 "2013-04-14T00:39:23Z")
I don’t see how he has any right to be at the hospital. I would be suspicious too that she “doesn’t want the courts involved”. AFAIK - he can still be listed on the Birth Certificate, and she doesn’t have to seek court ordered child support (but I believe the State does in some cases). You double checked your son understands the math involved in whether he could be the father? I presume she knows you don’t have money? ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/4 "2013-04-14T00:43:22Z")
IMO the above advice is could screw over your son. Check in your state to see if a possible father can order a paternity test. I’m sure a fathers’ rights group can help out with the legal paperwork. Until the baby is proven to be his she does not get a dime so in fact SHE may have the incentive to get the paternity test taken. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/5 "2013-04-14T00:48:38Z")
If she is shutting him out, then no child support payments unless ordered by a court. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/6 "2013-04-14T00:54:02Z")
Didn’t I see home DNA kits at the drugstore? Swab two cheeks and mail to a lab? Might be a good place to start. Yep, here [http://m.walgreens.com/mt/www.walgreens.com/store/c/identigene-dna-paternity-test-collection-kit/ID=prod4202920-product?un\_jtt\_redirect](http://m.walgreens.com/mt/www.walgreens.com/store/c/identigene-dna-paternity-test-collection-kit/ID=prod4202920-product?un_jtt_redirect) ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/7 "2013-04-14T00:57:17Z")
What **DrFidelius** said. If she wants money from him and no Family Court involvement, it might be wise for him to ask himself this question:_Whom ELSE is she asking to give her “support” payments with no Family Court involvement?_ ETA: > [@Troppus](#): > > Didn’t I see home DNA kits at the drugstore? Swab two cheeks and mail to a lab? Might be a good place to start. Yep, here [Walgreens: Pharmacy, Health & Wellness, Photo & More for You](http://m.walgreens.com/mt/www.walgreens.com/store/c/identigene-dna-paternity-test-collection-kit/ID=prod4202920-product?un_jtt_redirect) While the OP didn’t specify “need answer fast,” the baby isn’t born yet. One suspects that the walgreens test needs the baby’s cheek to be available. And the mom-to-be seems to want to withhold access to that cheek, even after it emerges. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/8 "2013-04-14T00:59:10Z")
congrats, your son is an idiot and got involved with a manipulator. if he’s an adult, stay out of it. it’s his problem. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/9 "2013-04-14T01:02:53Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Didn’t I see home DNA kits at the drugstore? Swab two cheeks and mail to a lab? Might be a good place to start. Yep, here [Walgreens: Pharmacy, Health & Wellness, Photo & More for You](http://m.walgreens.com/mt/www.walgreens.com/store/c/identigene-dna-paternity-test-collection-kit/ID=prod4202920-product?un_jtt_redirect) $30 to test a man, woman and child, but _$90_ for each additional man or child? ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/10 "2013-04-14T01:04:50Z")
Legal advice is best suited to IMHO. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/11 "2013-04-14T01:08:59Z")
Do not give her a penny until you have a test done. It’s as simple as that. Find the money somewhere for the test, and if she doesn’t cooperate go to the courts. This will save you money in the long run. There’s no reason why she wouldn’t want to identify the father, unless she thinks it’s not your son. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/12 "2013-04-14T01:25:19Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Do not give her a penny until you have a test done. It’s as simple as that. Find the money somewhere for the test, and if she doesn’t cooperate go to the courts. This will save you money in the long run. There’s no reason why she wouldn’t want to identify the father, unless she thinks it’s not your son. Or she thinks she can collect “support payments” from multiple “daddies.” Hell, just because I’m feeling ornery today, I’m going to suggest that he make sure there’s an actual baby on the way. ETA: If he IS going to be supporting a kid, it’s in his interest to make sure that support is properly documented, come tax return filing time. ---
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/13 "2013-04-14T01:53:54Z")
If she’s getting any sort of government aid for the baby, chances are they’ll automatically open up a child support case for her. I know after I had my daughter on the state healthy insurance, they sent me a form asking for information on the father. They then attempted to pursue child support from him but he was out of the country so no go. But I assume in your case, your son could request for proof of paternity. And I’m not sure how accurate this is, but I was under the impression that if he was present with her during the birth, there’s a possibility he could get put on the birth certificate. And that’s not really in his best interest before he knows for sure if he IS the father. ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/14 "2013-04-14T03:17:23Z")
how old is he? ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/15 "2013-04-14T03:51:43Z")
If he provides financial support regulary, I suspect this might later result in a court letting him on the hook for child support even if it can be proven at that time that he isn’t, in fact, the biological father. Acting like a father for a while might create legal obligations towards the child, AFAIK. I guess one of the resident lawyers would know. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/16 "2013-04-14T04:18:48Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > $30 to test a man, woman and child, but _$90_ for each additional man or child? $30 only gets you the kit. Actually getting the test run on the baby and the putative father costs an additional $130 lab fee. Additional people can be tested for another $90 lab fee per person. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/17 "2013-04-14T04:38:26Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > how old is he? And how old is she? ---
**Author:** ![Hockey\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/18 "2013-04-14T04:47:01Z")
He should not give one penny to the girl until he is determined to be the baby’s father by a paternity test. No money. Zero dollars. Zip. Got it? ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/19 "2013-04-14T04:58:00Z")
> [@penelope3d](#): > > My sons ex GF is due to have a baby, my son says the chance of the child being his is a possibility. The problem he is having is that the girlfriend wont give his name as the potential father. She told me that she wants to keep the courts out of it and that my son just gives her money. Thats a red flag to me, but there is a chance that the child could be his. We don’t have the money for attorneys and DNA, she is receiving medical coverage from the welfare. He is upset that he could be the babies daddy and she now refuses to take his calls, and wont allow him at the hospital. First child to be and he will never get that special moment, none of us will. Can he contact Jobs and Family Services and give his name as possible father? Any advice would be appreciated Your son is shit out of luck. Your son has zero reproductive rights or claims unless she decides to include him. It’s totally up to her. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2013, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/20 "2013-04-14T05:13:48Z")
What state are you in? Each state is different. In California if your son acts like he’s the father and, let’s say in five years he finds out that he isn’t, too bad. He’s still on the hook for the next 18. For the love of your son, do not let him do things outside the courts. He could pay her a million dollars, but if it isn’t through the courts then it is as if he didn’t pay a dime. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646.md?page=2)