# What can a father do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2013, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646 "2013-04-14T00:31:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/61 "2013-04-17T21:01:35Z")
The bit about not wanting the courts involved also tends to transform her assertion that she’s carrying his child into pretty slim evidence that he’s about to be a father. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/62 "2013-04-17T22:09:56Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > I was just tired of reading the “she’s a whoring grifter of a whore” posts. Maybe she’s a whore and a grifter. The fact that she has told this guy that she’s pregnant and he’s the father and she doesn’t want to get the courts involved seems to be pretty slim evidence of her whorishness or grifterness. Just working with what info we have here…her avoidance of courts nor wanting the alleged father to be there for the birth and subsequent bonding should put any alleged father into a state of alert. It might make you sick of see posts of potential whoring and grifting explanations, but that cannot be ignored. After all, it was the son’s father coming to us for advice, not the daughter’s mother asking for advice. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/63 "2013-04-17T23:06:26Z")
She may be a whore, or a grifter, or both. Yep. But the advice to the putative father is the same whether she is or she isn’t. Don’t pay child support without a determination of paternity. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/64 "2013-04-17T23:40:43Z")
It may be his c hild and she just doesn’t want to share the raising of it. Lord knows I’d rather do it alone than with an ex I can’t stand, and I know I’m not alone in that. If your son really thinks he’s the father and really wants custody, he needs to talk to someone; the upthread suggestion of the maternity desk is not a bad place to start. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2013, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/65 "2013-04-18T00:38:23Z")
> [@Yeticus\_Rex](#): > > But paying with even ONE check will put that well-intentioned person into the gray zone. Why venture into the gray zone when you can play it safe and insist on a DNA test before paying? That’s just not true. One check doesn’t put you into any kind of gray zone. The cases where this happens are usually after a divorce, when the father has been acting as a parent over the course of years. Once you take on the role of a parent, that can’t be reversed. But no judge is going to determine that based on one check. Think about if your kid was switched at birth. Should you then get to walk away when they are 10 years? Of course not. Or what if you were shooting blanks and decided to go with a sperm donor, should you have no obligation to the kid? Of course not. If you act as a parent, you are a parent. But one check is not “acting as a parent.” In any case, a DNA test absolutely is the best thing to do, so it’s all the same in the end. But it’s not complete madness out there. There is some logic behind it. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2013, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/66 "2013-04-18T00:59:11Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > That’s just not true. One check doesn’t put you into any kind of gray zone. > > The cases where this happens are usually after a divorce, when the father has been acting as a parent over the course of years. Once you take on the role of a parent, that can’t be reversed. But no judge is going to determine that based on one check. > > Think about if your kid was switched at birth. Should you then get to walk away when they are 10 years? Of course not. Or what if you were shooting blanks and decided to go with a sperm donor, should you have no obligation to the kid? Of course not. If you act as a parent, you are a parent. But one check is not “acting as a parent.” > > In any case, a DNA test absolutely is the best thing to do, so it’s all the same in the end. But it’s not complete madness out there. There is some logic behind it. Possibly but those preaching caution have a point. For obvious financial reasons the state wants very, very much for someone/anyone to have assumptive paternity and to be financially responsible and attached legally to the child. It might take more than one check but not all that much more. Once you start walking and talking like the daddy you’re it forever regardless of whether it’s your bio-kid or not. ---
**Author:** ![Enkel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/df705f/32.png) [@Enkel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enkel)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2013, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/67 "2013-04-18T01:32:43Z")
Something not mentioned. If the OP’s son is not the father, there is a father out there who will have rights. IF that man figures out the kid is his, he can demand his rights (think, trueDad’s mom sees kid in town and demands trueDad get his rights so that she can have access to her grandbaby) Also, I can’t imagine any state that wouldn’t do a free paternity test on someone claiming to be the father of a child receiving public assistance. Since they’re paying for the delivery, they might even go ahead and arrange a test for as soon as the baby is born. (They could actually do it against the umbilical cord so not even require the mother’s permission) I know of at least one state that will not pay assistance if the mother refuses to participate in DNA testing of a potential father. Good luck with determining the facts. I hope it works out well for the baby and all involved. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2013, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/68 "2013-04-18T15:13:15Z")
I don’t mean to sound sexist because it isn’t a female thing…it’s a human thing. I have seen several of these types of cases over my life and it seems that in each case (pregnant woman who doesn’t know for sure who the father is) she picks the one from which she can get the most support. My advice, insist in a DNA test. If you start feeding her money then, while I am not a lawyer, the courts may claim that he was “acting” like the father and then be on the hook for some other guys kid for 18 years. Cross t’s and dot i’s here. Do things by the book. If it is not your grandchild then your son can breathe free. If it is, well, then he is your grandson 100% and you/he can support it well. Best to know for sure than have doubts the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2013, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/69 "2013-04-20T04:41:58Z")
Wonder how many guys are getting the same story from her? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2013, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646/70 "2013-04-24T13:28:51Z")
Other people seem to have addressed the child support issue pretty well. I’ll just add that most states have a [putative father registry](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Putative_father_registry) which he’ll probably want to add his name to if he does want to seek parental rights. However, I agree with everyone else that you should seek legal help. Most family law attorneys will speak to you for a half hour or so for free. I strongly suggest you (or your son) contact your state or local bar association and request a referral. > [@](#): > > If you start feeding her money then, while I am not a lawyer, the courts may claim that he was “acting” like the father and then be on the hook for some other guys kid for 18 years. This is pretty much accurate. A father who accepts financial responsibility for a child will be deemed the child’s parent for support purposes in most jurisdictions. My stepbrother’s wife cheated on him, and subsequently gave birth to the other guy’s kid. He didn’t find out that the kid was somebody else’s until four years later (during divorce proceedings). He’s paying child support nonetheless. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-a-father-do/655646.md?page=3)