# What can I do about this? (Older man hitting on my child!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 13, 2010, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330 "2010-03-13T05:31:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 23
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/441 "2010-03-28T17:57:01Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > Now as for updates…they are few I think, but daughter did have a therapy appointment on Friday. This was her session, I was just the chauffeur, but I was soon summoned back to “get some things from my perspective” but it didn’t really feel that way. Anyway long story short(er) daughter doesn’t think sleeping around at 13 (now 14! I have to remember to update that age) is a big deal, and therapist doesn’t seem to think so either. Therapist was against pressing any kind of charges against the 18 year old because (1) he didn’t force/pressure daughter into sex- it turns out that according to daughter it was just the opposite; (2) the age difference is not that great- and it’s not chronologically; but emotionally, psychologically and legally it is… So anyway the therapist seems to think that the sleeping around isn’t a problem at all and as long as she is on birth control from here on out everything is hunky-dory in that regard. But I greatly disagree and wonder if finding a different therapist is within the realm of possibilities. It sounds like this message from your daughter and the therapist came as a surprise. I don’t know what kind of agreement, if any, you had with this therapist regarding issues of teen sexuality and what behaviors and attitudes you think are age-appropriate for your daughter. I do think it’s time to find a new therapist ASAP and hammer out an agreement with the new therapist re: discussion of sexuality \*before \*your daughter has any sessions. Also, I would personally suggest that your daughter might benefit more from working with a female therapist at this time (I don’t know if working with a male therapist might be distracting for her, if she’s trying to impress him or win male approval by being provocative). As far as how to do damage control after that therapist’s appointment - yikes. I can’t recall whether you’ve researched the statutory rape laws where you live, and whether you’ve told your daughter about these laws. Also, I can’t help noticing that these statements from your daughter appear to possibly conflict with what you told us earlier - that she had indicated she wanted to stop having sex for a while. Has she changed her mind about that, and, if so, what are her reasons? Has she met a new guy? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/442 "2010-03-28T17:59:48Z")
Not only do you need to find a new therapist, you need to report this one for encouraging and abetting the sexual abuse of a minor. She needs to lose her license. There is probably a licensing body in your state that you could report her to, at the least, they would investigate a complaint. Whatever type of mental health professional she is (clinical social worker, psychologist), check to see if you’ve got a state board issuing licenses to practice. You can probably search out the information you need on your State government website. If the therapist works for a human service agency, it would be another option to contact the director or executive to express concerns. Finally, if you connected with this therapist voluntarily, you could absolutely fire her and find someone else. Your insurer should be able to provide alternate referrals. Did you say you were referred to this person through the courts? I can’t remember if you mentioned this in the thread, so pardon me for asking if it’s already been stated. If this is the case, you may wish to provide this information to the judge. The courts don’t need this person counseling more at-risk young people to go out and engage in high risk, emotionally and physically compromising activities. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/443 "2010-03-28T18:36:05Z")
Agree on the therapist. That was a gross violation of professional responsibility. I reported a therapist once. While my complaint did not end up with her losing her license, it turned out to be a permanent part of her record. (Mostly because she was in Arizona and I was in Minnesota so I didn’t show up for her hearing.) ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/444 "2010-03-28T22:12:21Z")
I’m going to give the therapist benefit of the doubt until we get more info. If the therapist says that it’s wrong, then the daughter might just hear “sex is bad”, which is also damaging. Maybe the therapist is just frying bigger fish right now and he’s trying to ease her into telling her that her behavior is unacceptable. It’s a tough spot for a doctor to be in when they have to balance “Sex is biologically normal” with “Sex is socially damaging…sometimes”. Now maybe I’m wrong and the therapist is cuckoo, but it seems at least plausible that he’s working her up to a normal sexual viewpoint. I dunno. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/445 "2010-03-28T22:19:40Z")
Sex being good or bad isn’t the point. This isn’t sex, it’s the sexual abuse and exploitation of a child. It’s also illegal. The therapist is encouraging _criminal_ behavior. That needs to be reported. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/446 "2010-03-28T23:17:33Z")
The therapist said what?! I highly doubt this varies by state (but it may), but all health care workers I know of (including counselors and social workers etc) are mandatory reporters. How is this ok by the therapist? This boggles my mind. And this kid doesn’t need another round of confusing adults giving different approval signals–she’s confused enough between bio-mom and her other parents. I agree-fire the therapist, pronto, but not until you have spoken to her in private. Even IF we could get past the whole 18 year old having sex with 13 year old, the evidence all points to this particular 13 year old NOT being emotionally mature enough to cope with her sexuality in a responsible way\*. Birth control is only one facet. \*What 13 year old is? I’ve been following this thread for awhile now. Hang in there, OP. You’re doing fine. And just FYI–be aware that I know of a (then) 14 year old girl who used to go to the movies a lot with her girlfriends. Mom thought this was a fine way to pass the time (and it can be). Turns out said 14 y/o was meeting a boy in the theater and having sex in the seats (she must be a gymnast!). The boy (2 years older) said that he would kill himself unless the girl had sex with him. This went on for some time. And yes, she is a mother at 19 (not by this boy, but her promiscuity didn’t stop). I hope that is not your daughter’s lot. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/447 "2010-03-28T23:24:42Z")
I’ll add my $0.02 and say its time to consider a new therapist, or at least find out why the current therapist thinks that sex at 14 with 18 year old guys is not a problem. Also, FYI, I’ve heard that depo shots tend to make the recipient not quite so interested in sex. Just what I’ve heard. I’m not a medical doctor, so don’t put a whole lot of stock into it, but it might be worth checking out. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/448 "2010-03-28T23:27:16Z")
**Eleanor’s** point about the therapist being a mandated reporter, and is one that I should have made myself. The therapist is actually committing a crime herself if she doesn’t report this. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/449 "2010-03-28T23:40:54Z")
I meant mandated, not mandatory. :smack: Thanks, **Dio**. This is a first for me. I’ve heard of therapists frowning upon teens being sexually active and even frowning upon premarital sex, period\*, but I’ve never heard of a therapist condoning it. Talk about a WTF moment. \*both of which may also be grossly unprofessional, depending on what “sexually active” entails, but that’s another thread. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/450 "2010-03-29T01:16:42Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > … Therapist was against pressing any kind of charges against the 18 year old because (1) he didn’t force/pressure daughter into sex- it turns out that according to daughter it was just the opposite; (2) the age difference is not that great- and it’s not chronologically; but emotionally, psychologically and legally it is… Holy crap. The therapist doesn’t think you should report a rape because _the victim asked for it_? There are no words. I, too, suggest that you report this person, and find another therapist ASAP. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/451 "2010-03-29T01:36:15Z")
I’ve been following this thread like many other lurkers, I’m sure. Just want to chime in about the therapist issue. I totally agree that this therapist is grossly neglecting his professional duty, but just be careful about how you change therapists. In your daughter’s eyes, she finally found someone who agrees with her and takes her side, and you fire them to find someone who doesn’t take your daughter’s side (and agrees with you). I don’t have a solution to offer, but you need to think about how you’re going to switch therapists and not break whatever thread of trust you and your daughter have created over the last week and a bit. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/452 "2010-03-29T01:56:09Z")
The therapist may have choosen not to make a major issue about the sex because he or she feels that isn’t the true problem. It’s the poor judgment skills, lack of self-esteem, too much peer influence etc. that lead to making so many bad sexual choices and if those issues are not dealth with the same problems will result only with another outlet which could be anything from stealing to drugs to anti-social behavior and suicidal actions. Also, the therapist may be advising not to pursue charges because he or she knows how viscious those trials can be. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/453 "2010-03-29T02:03:56Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Also, the therapist may be advising not to pursue charges because he or she knows how viscious those trials can be. And also how unsuccessful they could potentially be, given a decent defense attorney. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/454 "2010-03-29T02:54:37Z")
I was just reading **Mitze** ’s last post about therapist to my LCSW wife (licensed clinical social worker), expecting her to be shocked at the therapist’s unprofessional conduct. But she told me that, at least in this state, consentual sex between people within three years of each other’s age is not statutory rape. I don’t know the law in Kansas, but it’s possible that 18 to 13 is legal. I _very_ seriously doubt it, but it could be. In which case the therapist is not mandated to report it. Might also be why the boy has not been arrested. (Or has he, **Mitze**?) That said, any reasonable therapist knowing this young lady’s history would suggest she not be sexually active yet. But he may not be in violation of his legal requirements. I’d still have a heart-to-heart with him (or her) and ask for justification of his judgment. (I forgot to add, if 18 to 13 is statutory rape, then the therapist needs to be reported to his licensing board.) ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/455 "2010-03-29T02:59:33Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > The therapist may have choosen not to make a major issue about the sex because he or she feels that isn’t the true problem. It’s the poor judgment skills, lack of self-esteem, too much peer influence etc. that lead to making so many bad sexual choices and if those issues are not dealth with the same problems will result only with another outlet which could be anything from stealing to drugs to anti-social behavior and suicidal actions. Also, the therapist may be advising not to pursue charges because he or she knows how viscious those trials can be. The therapist is legally mandated to report it. It’s not up to the therapist’s discretion. It’s the law. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/456 "2010-03-29T03:01:09Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > And also how unsuccessful they could potentially be, given a decent defense attorney. That’s not the therapist’s problem and it’s not relevant, The therapist is legally required to report it. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/457 "2010-03-29T03:01:41Z")
[Kansas age of consent.](http://www.ageofconsent.com/kansas.htm) > [@](#): > > 21-3502. Rape. (a) Rape is: > (1) Sexual intercourse with a person who does not consent to the sexual intercourse, under any of the following circumstances: > (A) When the victim is overcome by force or fear; > (B) when the victim is unconscious or physically powerless; or > (C) when the victim is incapable of giving consent because of mental deficiency or disease, or when the victim is incapable of giving consent because of the effect of any alcoholic liquor, narcotic, drug or other substance, which condition was known by the offender or was reasonably apparent to the offender; > **(2) sexual intercourse with a child who is under 14 years of age;** > (3) sexual intercourse with a victim when the victim’s consent was obtained through a knowing misrepresentation made by the offender that the sexual intercourse was a medically or therapeutically necessary procedure;or > (4) sexual intercourse with a victim when the victim’s consent was obtained through a knowing misrepresentation made by the offender that the sexual intercourse was a legally required procedure within the scope of the offender’s authority. > (b) It shall be a defense to a prosecution of rape under subsection (a)(2) that the child was married to the accused at the time of the offense. (c) Rape as described in subsection (a)(1) or (2) is a severity level 1, person felony. Rape as described in subsection (a)(3) or (4) is a severity level 2, person felony. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/458 "2010-03-29T03:05:32Z")
It doesn’t look like there’s any Romeo and Juliet exception there either. ---
**Author:** ![Kkrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Kkrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kkrose)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/459 "2010-03-29T03:06:21Z")
I am not sure how I would feel about what the therapist said, but it is possible that the therapist feels that if it has been going on for almost a year, the chances of her giving up this behavior for another couple of years are slim to none. At least if they don’t make a big deal of it, the girl won’t feel the need to hide it as much and they can continue to have influence and knowledge of what is going. I am not a therapist obviously, but I can see this being the case. Also, the therapist doesn’t need to report it, because it has already been reported. The police know all about it. If it hadn’t been reported, then I would consider these comments a much bigger deal. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/460 "2010-03-29T03:09:12Z")
The therapist does need to report it. She can’t take the child’s word for it that it already has been. There is absolutely no therapeutic justification for encouraging the continued criminal sexual abuse of a child. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330.md?page=22) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330.md?page=24)