# What can I do about this? (Older man hitting on my child!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 13, 2010, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330 "2010-03-13T05:31:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 24
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/461 "2010-03-29T03:30:41Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It doesn’t look like there’s any Romeo and Juliet exception there either. What about the Rapunzel one? “If she lets down here hair in a comely fashion, forthwith and whatnot…” Sorry…but MitzeKatze has been open to humor before, and frankly, since I am going through similar circumstances, I feel eminently qualified to unleash bad humor upon this thread! Sorry, no offense, none meant, etc… But honestly, since this mirrors situations I am dealing with, I sometimes reach a point while reading and/or living this thread IRL where…ya just gotta laugh. Can’t be helped. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/462 "2010-03-29T08:21:06Z")
For those expounding on the benefit of reduced sex drive attributed to Depo Provera- 13 year-olds aren’t having promiscuous sex because their orgasms are so great. This isn’t about her raging hormones, this is about her insecurities, family dynamics, severe acne, and/or whatever else is going on in her head and body that makes her feel worthless. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/463 "2010-03-29T13:45:48Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > For those expounding on the benefit of reduced sex drive attributed to Depo Provera- 13 year-olds aren’t having promiscuous sex because their orgasms are so great. This isn’t about her raging hormones, this is about her insecurities, family dynamics, severe acne, and/or whatever else is going on in her head and body that makes her feel worthless. Exactly. At 13-14, the average teenager is thinking about sex while exercising those hormones in much safer ways because the dynamics of having sex with another person (in or outside of a relationship) is something they often acknowledge as a big deal and a little out of their realm of being able to handle. I know at those ages I was more concerned with a lot of the stuff that **Alice the Goon** mentions above than forming a romantic-sexual relationship with anyone else-- after all, I could take care of the sexual aspect on my own until I was ready for it. The therapist right now may be downplaying the whole “having sex at X age” bit so that he/she can work on _why_ your daughter feels the need to seek out this attention. Based on all I’ve read and what I remember from me and my friends during my teenage years, I’m going to guess that a large part of it revolves around how to balance the drastic contrast in home environments that she’s been a part of. BioMom’s is really unhealthy and encouraging different behavior and a different set of rules than your home, and she gets swapped back and forth between them-- teenagers are often a bit of a parenting chore because it’s an age where many of them are exploring how to push boundaries, and it looks like your daughter is trying to figure out what boundary to push that’ll test both sets of parents. It’s extreme on your end, but doesn’t seem to phase BioMom much. Hopefully it’ll get nipped in the bud before daughter starts looking at BioMom’s suitors as potential sources of “testing BioMom’s boundaries” and really starts something awful. Definitely sit down with the therapist when your daughter isn’t present and have a frank conversation about how things are going, what the therapist is working on, and how the sexuality dynamics aspect of therapy is playing into the big picture. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/464 "2010-03-29T14:59:57Z")
What part of “the therapist is a mandated reporter” are people not understanding? The therapist does not have the discretion not to report this, nor can she have any legal or therapeutic justification for encouraging it to go on. This therapist is behaving both unethically and illegally. The end. ---
**Author:** ![Telcontar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/465 "2010-03-29T15:11:44Z")
> [@EmAnJ](#): > > I’ve been following this thread like many other lurkers, I’m sure. > > Just want to chime in about the therapist issue. I totally agree that this therapist is grossly neglecting his professional duty, but just be careful about how you change therapists. In your daughter’s eyes, she finally found someone who agrees with her and takes her side, and you fire them to find someone who doesn’t take your daughter’s side (and agrees with you). I don’t have a solution to offer, but you need to think about how you’re going to switch therapists and not break whatever thread of trust you and your daughter have created over the last week and a bit. Just wanted to draw out this point: You need a new therapist, badly, but you’ve also got a major problem with trust as you switch. Since your daughter was hospitalized, I’m assuming that this therapist is far from the only one you have had her deal with in the recent past. If I were you, I’d get one of the past therapists on the phone, outline what you just told us, and see how they react. Bonus points if that therapist doesn’t know this one personally (just in case). Or call one of the hotlines. If there is a mandatory reporting issue, they should know. Yeesh, this is the last thing you needed. I’m sorry. Oh, one other point: Though past sexual abuse could be a contributing factor in her behavior (hmm, just how sketchy are the bio-mom’s boyfriends?), there have been a host of cases of memories of abuse being _created_ by overzealous questioners. If you do decide to inquire in this direction, keep an open mind. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/466 "2010-03-29T15:17:34Z")
> [@Telcontar](#): > > Oh, one other point: Though past sexual abuse could be a contributing factor in her behavior (hmm, just how sketchy are the bio-mom’s boyfriends?), there have been a host of cases of memories of abuse being _created_ by overzealous questioners. If you do decide to inquire in this direction, keep an open mind. I lived this nightmare a few years ago with my sister - who’d been abused and had a therapist who believed “allowing yourself to be abused as an adult means you were abused by a child.” Don’t go borrowing trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/467 "2010-03-29T15:23:41Z")
Sexual promiscuity at a young age is very often a symptom of sexual abuse. Given what we’ve been told about bio-mom, I think the odds of a predatory boyfriend (maybe more than one) getting to the kid are pretty reasonable to wonder about. It’s definitely worth exploration. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/468 "2010-03-29T17:58:03Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Sexual promiscuity at a young age is very often a symptom of sexual abuse. Given what we’ve been told about bio-mom, I think the odds of a predatory boyfriend (maybe more than one) getting to the kid are pretty reasonable to wonder about. It’s definitely worth exploration. I don’t agree. Planting the idea of abuse in a suggestible mind if it HASN’T happened is a horrible thing that will tear apart her psyche, and leave the family shelled. And if it HAS happened, it will come up in therapy when she is ready to deal with it. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/469 "2010-03-29T18:22:44Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > I don’t agree. Planting the idea of abuse in a suggestible mind if it HASN’T happened is a horrible thing that will tear apart her psyche, and leave the family shelled. > > And if it HAS happened, it will come up in therapy when she is ready to deal with it. That’s ridiculous. Merely asking about it isn’t “planting.” ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/470 "2010-03-29T18:37:52Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > That’s ridiculous. Merely asking about it isn’t “planting.” People are very suggestible. Elizabeth Loftus has studied this extensively and sometimes “asking” is “planting” - particularly with highly suggestible people looking to place blame somewhere else. I wouldn’t go near this idea with a ten foot pole. Not ask leading questions, not go anywhere near anything suggestive. But I’ve lived the repercussions of this, so I’m very sensitive to it. Mitze can make her own decision on whether to explore. Given the flakiness of bio-mom, it might be worthwhile in her case. I’d solve today without going digging into the past. I’m not a huge fan of needing to understand the past to fix the present in therapy. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/471 "2010-03-29T18:50:47Z")
Early childhood trauma causes physiological changes to the brain. This means that some people can’t be treated unless that trauma is known about. It can’t just be ignored and moved past. It is a literal, physical imprint on the brain. It’s not just a psychological issue, it’s a psychiatric one. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/472 "2010-03-29T20:38:43Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Early childhood trauma causes physiological changes to the brain. This means that some people can’t be treated unless that trauma is known about. It can’t just be ignored and moved past. It is a literal, physical imprint on the brain. It’s not just a psychological issue, it’s a psychiatric one. Go read Elizabeth Lofton. Let’s say your opinion here is controversial. Highly so. ---
**Author:** ![Butterscotch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dc4da7/32.png) [@Butterscotch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Butterscotch)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/473 "2010-04-01T12:08:18Z")
Bump! How are things going? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/474 "2010-04-01T12:53:11Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Go read Elizabeth Lofton. Let’s say your opinion here is controversial. Highly so. It’s not an opinion, and no, it’s not controversial. I’m not talking about “recovered memories.” That’s a totally different thing, and is irrelevant to my point. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/475 "2010-04-01T14:21:02Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Early childhood trauma causes physiological changes to the brain. When you say “trauma,” in this sentence, are you referring to physical trauma or to psychological or emotional trauma? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/476 "2010-04-01T15:06:01Z")
Emotional. It can be from abuse, but it can also be from witnessing abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/477 "2010-04-01T15:15:02Z")
[Developmental Traumatology: Neurobiological Development in Maltreated Children With PTSD](http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/1158244?verify=0) This is one article from _Psychiatric Times_. There are many others. This is pretty well documented. Early childhood trauma leaves permanent neurological “fingerprints.” ---
**Author:** ![yuliya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/f6c823/32.png) [@yuliya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yuliya)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/478 "2010-04-01T16:49:50Z")
Wow, what a neither pointless nor mundane thread. Agreed that your therapist needs to be reported. Agreed that “bio-mom” is highly toxic and, though it is stressful and frustrating, you need to do whatever you can to get this woman out of your child’s life. She is not a “mom.” She is an incredibly damaging influence. I know you already know this stuff, but reading your posts about her and the things she has said literally made me nauseous. I think you’re doing an amazing job, I really do. Congratulations on everything you have done so far to help your daughter. In no way is her behavior reflective of your parenting. Stay strong mama bear! ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2010, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/479 "2010-04-01T23:38:59Z")
Speaking of whom, where IS Mama Bear? 3-4 days without an update from her, although she’s active on other threads. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2010, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/480 "2010-04-02T05:50:57Z")
I just read through this whole thread… holy cow. You’re holding up amazingly well and are being a great mom in very hard times ☹ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330.md?page=23) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330.md?page=25)