# What can I do about this? (Older man hitting on my child!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 13, 2010, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330 "2010-03-13T05:31:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/141 "2010-03-15T17:28:48Z")
If anyone’s interested, here’s Mayor Kid-toucher’s Sex Offender Registry page: [http://criminaljustice.state.ny.us/cgi/internet/nsor/fortecgi?serviceName=WebNSOR&templateName=detail.htm&requestingHandler=WebNSORDetailHandler&ID=775080288](http://criminaljustice.state.ny.us/cgi/internet/nsor/fortecgi?serviceName=WebNSOR&templateName=detail.htm&requestingHandler=WebNSORDetailHandler&ID=775080288) ---
**Author:** ![Vernon\_Vernons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ce73a5/32.png) [@Vernon\_Vernons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vernon_Vernons)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/142 "2010-03-15T17:30:27Z")
[failblog]PARENTING FAIL[/failblog] Get all available authorities involved immediately. She loses her right to have a myspace/facebook account. She has no right to privacy in her internet activity. Address why she’s seeking out this sort of skeevy, significantly older and creepy/trash attention in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/143 "2010-03-15T17:39:32Z")
> [@Vernon\_Vernons](#): > > [failblog]PARENTING FAIL[/failblog] > > Get all available authorities involved immediately. She loses her right to have a myspace/facebook account. She has no right to privacy in her internet activity. Address why she’s seeking out this sort of skeevy, significantly older and creepy/trash attention in the first place. Wow, that was harsh. And maybe you should read the entire thread before telling her she fails as a parent. She HAS contacted the FBI and the investigation is underway. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/144 "2010-03-15T17:39:54Z")
**Mitze** , I’m late to this thread, but I would like to echo everyone else here. You did the right thing by calling the authorities. You aren’t over-reacting. Your daughter’s safety is most important, and I hope this creep is caught so he doesn’t harm her or anyone else. But, if I can be permitted to make a suggestion, and please don’t take it the wrong way. Does your daughter know you post on the Dope? Does she know your screen name and is there any possible way she could read this thread and connect you with it? If so, please, now that it’s in the hands of the FBI and the police, don’t say anything else that could give her any information. If she’s reading this, and knows the discussion is about her, she could warn the predator off and all your work could be undone. As much as you’re counting on us for moral support, and please be assured you have it beyond measure, don’t say anything else that could innocently jeopardize the investigation. I say this with all sympathy and wishes for a good outcome, but unless you can be absolutely sure that she doesn’t know that you are discussing her here, you could do her more good by not posting anything else, at least until the guy is caught. That’s just my two cents, but please know that I have all the best wishes for your daughter’s safety and hopes for this predator to be put behind bars for a very long time. Of course, if there’s no way your daughter can connect this thread with her, please keep us updated if it is safe for you to do so. We do care and we want to hear about a positive outcome. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/145 "2010-03-15T17:41:36Z")
> [@Vernon\_Vernons](#): > > [failblog]PARENTING FAIL[/failblog] > > Get all available authorities involved immediately. She loses her right to have a myspace/facebook account. She has no right to privacy in her internet activity. Address why she’s seeking out this sort of skeevy, significantly older and creepy/trash attention in the first place. POSTING FAIL. Read the entire thread before posting - particularly when you are going to tell someone they are a bad parent. (Unless said bad parent is Green Bean ;)). ---
**Author:** ![Vernon\_Vernons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ce73a5/32.png) [@Vernon\_Vernons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vernon_Vernons)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/146 "2010-03-15T17:42:34Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > POSTING FAIL. Read the entire thread before posting - particularly when you are going to tell someone they are a bad parent. > > (Unless said bad parent is Green Bean ;)). Sorry, I meant it in a tough love/chiding sort of way. DROP THE A-BOMB ON THIS SITUATION. NUKE IT FROM ORBIT. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/147 "2010-03-15T17:49:10Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > The vacation thing is tricky. When did you say you were going? If it’s a few months away, there’s a good chance this guy won’t be a threat at that point, OTOH, the FBI may be planning to string him along until then since that’s when they plan to meet, in which case they may want to keep her in the dark until after the meeting is supposed to have taken place. So, you could (and might have to) still take her along, but you just can’t let her out of your sight. It should be interesting to see how many excuses she makes to try and get away for a little while, and watch her phone blow up with texts as she keeps changing plans with him. > Also, if you send her off with the relatives, you’ll have to fill them in since there’s a chance she’ll make excuses to get out of there too. pure speculation, the FBI are already diverting copies of the FB correspondence and following along. I have the feeling that they will be waiting at the hotel meeting spot and will be grabbing the guy. Whether or not they tell you to hold your daughter from going to the meeting, or they wait and grab them as he answers the door, I do not know … I do hope they manage to contact that poor 14 year old he already abused, and she is willing to go to court against him [it sounds like she is pissed off enough to do so] and they can grab him long before the vacation. ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/148 "2010-03-15T18:00:33Z")
ETA There is a reason, IMV, that he doesn’t get some version of “escalation.” A 13 year old is experiencing “love” for the first time, in an immature, irrational way. If you simply threaten him, you may simply send the relationship underground. Teenagers are extremely resourceful. She will use her friends computer, and her friend’s phone for texting. She’ll open new gmail accounts. Before you know it hes sending Greyhound bus ticket money. I don’t think can take that risk. You’re not playing to a stalemate. You’re not trying to bully, him or even frighten him. You’re trying to _eradicate_ him. So the fact that hes stopped posting on her FB wall doesn’t mean hes not in contact with her, or that the relationship isn’t progressing. So in my book I go after him (not just for my daughter, but for the other parents/girls too) _relentlessly._ \*Every \*person, _every_ authority, _every_ resource would be exhausted-----even after I perceived him to be gone. He must not be allowed to go underground to resurface later. He’s broken the law, it would seem. Thats a lot of ammunition. ---
**Author:** ![Electronic\_Chaos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Electronic\_Chaos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electronic_Chaos)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/149 "2010-03-15T18:45:02Z")
This situation is making me dread what it will be like when MY daughter is a teenager. (She’s only 6 months old… imagine what social technology will be like in another 12-13 years!) I’m wondering if the FBI is now setting up a decoy FB profile and trying to set up a sting with him. He seemed eager to friend your older daughter, and apparently tries this with lots of girls. That way, creepo gets locked up, and your daughter hopefully never hears from him again. And if she does, he’d have to explain why he got caught trying to sex up some OTHER teenager girl, when he’s probably told her that she’s the only one for him. That being said, after he’s dealt with, it’s definitely time to go on security lock-down, as far as the internet is concerned. If I were you, I’d be preparing talking points for the family meeting you’ll inevitably be having. When you do contact the therapist about it, I’d see if they wouldn’t mind mediating it. That way you have someone “neutral” and your daughter hopefully won’t feel like she’s being ganged up on. I say this as someone who ran off to see someone I had met online when I was 17. Thankfully she was actually who she said she was. When I came home, though, the family talks could have gone better. Best of luck, though. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/150 "2010-03-15T19:52:34Z")
> [@Sidney Evgeni Jordan](#): > > I think you’re wise to put your daughter’s mental health concerns first. You’ve certainly done the right thing by reporting this guy to the FBI and turning over the information you have right now, but if your daughter’s doctor says you need to cut her off from contact with this guy ASAP, then you’ll have to tell the FBI that you can’t let the communications go on any further. The FBI may have enough at this point to charge him with something, and even if they don’t you’ve alerted them to someone who appears to be a dangerous predator who may try to hurt other girls. You don’t have an obligation to continue to provide them with more communications if maintaining this “relationship” isn’t in your daughter’s best interest. Good luck to your family in this tough situation. I totally agree: do what’s best for your daughter, not what’s best for the careers of the guys at the FBI. And as for how to do that, I would hope her doctors know her better than us strangers on the internet; I think getting them involved is the best step. By the way, if this creep just got jailed for threatening his parents, I don’t think a phone call will from someone your husband’s age will dissuade him; instead that’s ammunition for him to use to split her from you. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/151 "2010-03-15T19:58:17Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > My biggest reason for coming here as I said in the OP is for the parenting aspect of it- I feel like her dad and I have failed her tremendously if she thinks it is acceptable to flirt with a 24 year old in this manner. When I said she is not entirely innocent I only meant that she knows what she is doing is wrong (or she wouldn’t be hiding it) and is very far beyond what she was taught. Not that she shares the blame in any crime or even for “falling” for him- that’s all on Predator and hopefully he will pay. But still as a parent, I feel like it is a lot my fault (and her dad’s) for not being able to protect her from this kind of BS. It’s the feelings of guilt that are bothering me almost as much as thinking about my poor little girl being caught up in such a mess. Stop that talk right now. We’ve gotten two girls through this stage and into adulthood, and they will go a bit crazy no matter what you do - and even without a wacko biomom. Being a good parent is about responding to what your kids do, and anticipating it, not about ensuring that they never get into trouble. The only way to do that is to lock them in the basement, and that doesn’t turn out too well either. It seems to me that you saw the early warning signs and set things up so you’d be informed if something did happen, which is why you are on top of things now. You’re doing a great job, and in 15 years or so your daughter is going to recognize it and thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/152 "2010-03-15T20:00:22Z")
Keep in mind folks that the FBI is playing with bigger and better tools than us. If they want access to Pedo’s account, they WILL GET access to Pedo’s account, and not through secret black helicopter methods, either. They’ll pick up a phone and talk to Facebook, Inc and Facebook will comply. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/153 "2010-03-15T21:34:11Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > Keep in mind folks that the FBI is playing with bigger and better tools than us. If they want access to Pedo’s account, they WILL GET access to Pedo’s account, and not through secret black helicopter methods, either. They’ll pick up a phone and talk to Facebook, Inc and Facebook will comply. Wouldn’t they have to get a warrant for that (I’m not saying they can’t get one, just wondering if they would need one)? ---
**Author:** ![Brunhilda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cdc98d/32.png) [@Brunhilda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brunhilda)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/154 "2010-03-15T21:37:54Z")
I think it comes down to expectation of privacy- i think facebook is inherently public. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/155 "2010-03-15T22:14:43Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Wouldn’t they have to get a warrant for that (I’m not saying they can’t get one, just wondering if they would need one)? Probably. But one of the things that’s been happening more and more often, is how easily something like that can come about, especially if there’s a suspicion. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/156 "2010-03-15T23:29:49Z")
Facebook’s Terms of Service allow them to reply to law enforcement requests for your content without requiring a warrant. ---
**Author:** ![canadiankorean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/2bfe46/32.png) [@canadiankorean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/canadiankorean)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/157 "2010-03-16T13:21:11Z")
Those types of guys don’t need to exist imo. Having them around just means more chance they procreate. Jails do nothing but drain the tax payers. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/158 "2010-03-16T14:02:09Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Wouldn’t they have to get a warrant for that (I’m not saying they can’t get one, just wondering if they would need one)? They can ask the Facebook folks, and it’s entirely up to the Facebook folks to voluntarily comply if they choose to do so. If not, I have no doubt a search warrant can be obtained based on existing evidence, and that search warrant can be used to force the Facebook folks to comply. ---
**Author:** ![NineToTheSky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5a626/32.png) [@NineToTheSky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NineToTheSky)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/159 "2010-03-16T14:06:37Z")
> [@canadiankorean](#): > > Those types of guys don’t need to exist imo. Need? That’s an interesting take on the issue. Do any of us \*need \*to exist? That could be an interesting Great Debate. > [@](#): > > _Having them around just means more chance they procreate._ ‘Having anyone around’ increases the likelihood of a sexual liason. I’m trying to work out your point here. Are you suggesting that paedophilia is genetic? I wasn’t aware that that had been established. Or just that those types shouldn’t have unprotected sex? > [@](#): > > _Jails do nothing but drain the tax payers._ So we should demolish all jails? Or have them privately funded? That could be another interesting discussion. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330/160 "2010-03-16T14:45:50Z")
**MitzeKatze** , I’ve been following this discussion for the past few days with great interest. Partially because I work in PC Tech/Network Tech, partially because I have children who use the internet, and partially because I have custody of our nephew who is in the same age range as your step daughter, who is going through the same type of emotional turmoil right now. I think one of the big questions you have on your mind right now is, “What do I do to stop this that will have no impact (or minimal impact) on step daughter’s emotional state?” I think the answer to this is that there is nothing that can be done now that will have no impact on her emotional state. Whatever happens, she is going to explode emotionally. If you come clean to her with everything you know about this, she’s going to emotionally explode, with her anger focused on you. If you call the cops or FBI, she’s still going to emotionally explode, probably suspecting you were the ones who called him. If by some chance of fate the guy never contacts her again, she will still emotionally explode, the anger being turned inward and she will emotionally start going down hill again. As the parent, you need to to do what is best for her. You’ve already called the authorities. Let her know you know what is going on and that it is unacceptable behavior. Set your limits with her and establish boundaries for her pc and technology (cell phone) use. Be there for her emotionally (if she will let you) and let her know you are there to take care of her. Then hope for the best from there. As the guardian of a kid who is emotionally broken, I understand your pain and I really feel for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-i-do-about-this-older-man-hitting-on-my-child/532330.md?page=9)