I couldn’t disagree more. Ok, well I probably could, but I still disagree a lot.
There’s no reason a three year old can’t remember Miss Star and Eureka and Aunt Why and Cousin T.J. It’s a name, not a pattern recognition device. They don’t need a consistent pattern to remember Jimmy and Tommy and Jane and Pedro and Kim Lee from daycare - you just learn a name and that’s the name.
And absolutely, without exception, the proper and polite thing to call someone is what *they *desire to be called, not what you want to call them. Because you are *respecting *their wishes and showing them respect.
This is such a sore point with me, as our extended family has a rend in it because of a similar argument - my in-laws wanted an honorific and were told (by their other son’s in-laws) that they were being unreasonable and the kids would call them by their first names. It turned into this whole huge drama over respect and power and bullshit, when what it really boils down to is that people ought to be called what they want to be called, period.
IF the OP wants to compromise with the parents out of respect for their views on honorifics, than she should absolutely do so, and I think Miz Star is a perfect compromise. But if she doesn’t want to, then she should be Star. If the kid’s parents are so caught up in forms that they think giving someone a name that makes them cringe is “respectful”, then they have bigger troubles. “Respect” means they should “respect” Star’s wishes and use the name that Star requests. Otherwise, it’s just blowing hot air, not respect. It’s the antithesis of respect, in fact.
This might be a chance to get that kooky nickname you’ve always wanted.
In my family, petnames tend to stick and people get all kinds of crazy new monikers. Sometimes they come from babytalk mispronunciations or are terms of endearment, or sometimes just descriptive or shortened names (I have an Uncle who I didn’t realize was my cousin until well into my 20’s :smack: ). Personally, I like the idea of nontraditional “petnames” for family and friends, they all tend to happen naturally and are, I believe, a cultural tradition from a both the hillbilly (WV) and “Eastsider” part of my family.
If ‘Aunt’ is reserved by the father’s peccadilloes, try a title that is made up or borrowed like “NaNa Star” or “MiMi Star”… or something like that, you get the picture. That way you have your own special name and you’re not stepping on Dad’s toes.
I think you should get him to start referring to you as “That Woman” or “She Who Must Not Be Named”. A couple weeks of that, and I bet your first name will sound just fine to the parents.
WhyNot,
Your point of view is interesting and valid–although I think your experiences with people who were clearly unable/unwilling to meet each other halfway makes you overrate the importance of “calling someone what they want to be called” as a form of respect.
I think that names, with and without honorifics, are not given in vacuums, or shouldn’t be, and so it does matter what the child will be learning to call other people. It’s not for the child’s sake, neccessarily, it’s for Mom and Dad’s sake. It’s for the sake of simplicity–and for the sake of community. Why be the odd one out rather than conforming? (Though one can make some pretty strong arguments in favor of standing up for what you believe in rather than conforming for conformity’s sake).
devilsknew
Nana and Mimi both sound to me like (madeup) variations on GRANDMA–probably not the role stargazer is looking for, and probably objectionable to the person who doesn’t want extra aunts running around.
Well, they can be titles for Grandmas, but they don’t have to be. They were just examples of silly affectionate honorifics. Maybe, “MayMay” or “GiGi” would be better-- They are phonetic Chinese for little sister and big sister, respectively.
WhyNot, I wouldn’t mind at all if he called me by my first name, but since I know that my friends feel strongly about it, I won’t push it. Picking my battles, y’know?
It’s funny, because I’m pretty sure he already know me as Star, since that’s what I’ve been called his whole life. Every time his mom said “Give it to Mrs. Gazer” the other night, he seemed a little thrown off, like, “Who’s that? Is that her? Why’re you calling her something different?”
And the other thing that will be weird about this, if they really insist on me being Mrs. Gazer, is that when I have kids, my friends will be Aunt Mary & Uncle John – that’s just what my family did so it’s what I’m familiar with (unless they object). So my kids’ll run up to them saying, “Aunt Mary!” and her kids will run up to me saying, “Mrs. Gazer!” And that’s weird, I think.
My best friends’ kids who are late teens still call me “Uncle Goob.” (Yes the name Goob is used in the real world for me.) Other friends insisted that anybody over 18 is Mr. or Miss. So those kids (cousins of the first set) in their late teens call me Mr. Chris.
It’s a matter of what the parents and the person decide on. I do fid it a little disarming to be called by my first name by a three year old. However I won’t make an issue with it.
Long story involving friends, step moms and second weddings I was at a table with a late middle aged lady that I was the friend of two of her kids. I had a brain cramp and whispered to the new daughter-in-law what is Larry’s mom’s name? Larry bellowed out “Hope”. Linda said “Mrs. Johnson”. Larry said, call just call her Hope. Linda and I blanched and said no way no how. I my be 70 and she 90. She will forever be Mrs. X. (X being the name of a Mom of a friend.) Sorry I’m an athiest but the fear of a lightning bolt from the sky from my dead Mother from poor manners will haunt me forever.
Right here you’ve hit on the reason “Miss Star” gets my vote. When I announce we’ll be having company I say “Kurt and Goldie are coming over” not “Ms. Hawn and Mr. Russell will be here.” I think my son would have a hard time remebering last names that are’t used in front of him.
Also, a “Ms/Mr Firstname” convention smooths out the speedbump of couples or families with multiple last names.
The Nephew is 12mo, so starting to make voice-noises (I refuse to call that talk, he’s expressive as all get-go but mostly because he can point :p). His mom is starting to call her mom “yaya” because she wasn’t the kid to think that his grandma is “mama”… but the thing is, nobody calls the kid’s mom “mom”, you know? He’s already trying to pronounce Judith (comes out as “OOOO. EEEEEE!”), which is what everybody calls her…
And I’m just having a lot of fun watching from the peanut gallery So long as they don’t insist in the kid calling me “Tita Nava” (what the hell’s wrong with “Tía Nava”? She doesn’t call her aunts “tita”!) I’m just fine.
I went from being an Oooeeee, to being a Toooeeey, and my sister still calls me that, 16 years after her daughter could pronounce my name. J names are hard!
This sounds just so strange to my British ears, like something from a 1950s Judy Garland film.
Round these parts, we use ‘Aunty firstname’ or just ‘firstname’ for parent’s friends (‘Aunt’ sounds very formal and old fashioned). I’m just ‘firstname’ to all my friends’ children because ‘Aunty’ makes me feel like I should be wearing support tights. In fact, even my nieces and nephews just call me ‘firstname’ as I was only fifteen when the first one was born, and aunty sounded just ancient.
Not many people I know have young kids so I haven’t really had to deal with this. But it would be really strange to be called Mr anything. I’m Russell, I’ve been Russell for 31 years now and don’t want to be Mr.!
I did have to deal with being Mr Russell for a couple summers when I was a camp counselor, camp rules were that the kids couldn’t call us by first name only. Miss Star would seem to work in your case also, lets the dad teach his kid ‘respect’ and gets you out of the Mrs. lastname situation. If I can deal with it, so can you.
Allways used to be awkward when I was a kid in UK. First names were right out, but Mr. Wotzit and Mrs. Wotzit were too formal. It usually ended up avoiding names when possible, or naming them in relationship to the friend. i.e. is John’s mum going to drive us to the playground.
I prefer my friends’ kids to call me by my first name. If I hear Mrs. 8404, I’m looking around for my MIL.
I think the best way to show respect for someone is to address them in a way that makes them comfortable. How are you showing respect for them by calling them Mrs. Smith or Ms. Tina or whatever if it makes them uncomfortable?
But respect always causes a humble person to feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t stop it being a sign of respect. Being called sir or ma’am is respectful, but it sure is uncomfortable as well. Receiving any kind of accolade is uncumfortable to most people, even if very well diserved, but that doesn’t mean the accolade should not be given.
That said, it is reasonable to tell your children’s friends that they should call you Rhiannon, and after that it is polite for them to do so or to retain calling you what they are more comfortable with.
Just talking from the point of view of someone brought up a somewhat old fashioned way. I don’t think I called either parent by their first name until I was in my 20’s (and even then it would just be to get attention in a crowded place where calling out “Dad” would just seem strange and likely to turn the head of several people whom were dads.) I would have been flustered by any adult wanting to be referred to simply by thei first name when I was a child.
The other convention which worked was to call every adult for whom firstname was known as aunty firstname or uncle firstname.
