# What can women do to get their SO interested in them sexually? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 22, 2009, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395 "2009-03-22T23:25:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Toxylon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f05b48/32.png) [@Toxylon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toxylon)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/21 "2009-03-23T13:36:39Z")
Sex can get boring, to the point of feeling not worth the trouble, when one lives with the same person for a long time. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/22 "2009-03-23T13:38:18Z")
> [@An\_Arky](#): > > Don’t hook up with SOs that are sexually incompatible with you. Just don’t. If you do, then it’s your loss. That’s the answer, basically, barring medical/psychological issues that arise, of course. > > I’ve heard of this men not being interested in sex thing, but frankly, IMHO, it’s an utterly foreign concept to me. I just cannot imagine a world where anything is preferable to some sweet lovemaking. It doesn’t start out that way. I think what happens is one or both parties let themselves go. Maybe after a few years and a few stupid fights or naggings too many you don’t see the other person sexually anymore. I mean dudes have broken up with or divorced sexier women than you (anyone ‘you’, not you specifically). It’s like the old joke ‘show me the hottest woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy whose tired of her shit’. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/23 "2009-03-23T13:55:03Z")
I find this thread to be unbelievable. Is it for real? What age group are we talking about? It is a grim, barely spoken of, reality for married men over 40 that those days are over. Sure, some of us may get some once in a while - birthdays and major holidays is the last joke I heard. If the subject ever comes up in a group of guys I’ve ever been in the response is just sad shakes of the head and weak jokes about long dry spells. If women over 40 want to have sex with their husbands, please, please say something because nobody I know is hearing the message. I know a lot of men who would be overjoyed to find that their wives want sex and just don’t know how to let them know. I think **overlyverbose’s** example is dead on for me and it is interesting to see the other side. There is only so much rejection a man can take before he quits trying. So, if you want some sex, not rejecting all of your husbands advances would be a good place to start. After a while we (or I) just figure it isn’t going to happen and we probably aren’t even looking for the signs anymore. If my wife came into the living room with something sexy on I would be turned on - but I probably wouldn’t go for the bait right away. At this point I need to know for sure that I’m not going to get slapped down. Sorry, I don’t mean this to sound as grim as it comes out, I’m in a dry spell. So, if you’ve tried the subtle approach and he isn’t taking the bait you may need to spell it out for him. Grab what you want. Say what you want. ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/24 "2009-03-23T14:05:09Z")
Well, (1) I’m in my 60s (2) I’ve been married more than 30 years (3) I’ve never been unfaithful to my wife, unless you count looking at porn being unfaithful (4) We don’t have sex as often as we used to – the libido is a bit less, and the wear and tear on the body is a bit more, than it was back when – but (5) We still have sex regularly. So it’s not inevitable to go without, and you need to find out what’s gone wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Jane\_Elliot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jane_elliot/32/6166_2.png) [@Jane\_Elliot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jane_Elliot)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/25 "2009-03-23T14:22:37Z")
I was with a guy for way too long, who told me point blank that the reason he didn’t want to have sex with me was that I was too fat. I had put on 15 pounds after we moved in together, so I felt he had a point. However, I later realized, after I gained another 15 pounds, that I was incredibly angry that he was the kind of person who based his love and intimacy on how skinny I was. 5 years after the first ‘you’re too fat’ conversation I left him because of it. I shouldn’t have waited those 5 years. I could never forgive him for it, but last year I lost 40 pounds and realized that living well is the best revenge. ---
**Author:** ![LionelHutz405](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lionelhutz405/32/536_2.png) [@LionelHutz405](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LionelHutz405)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/26 "2009-03-23T14:30:55Z")
A lot of people have suggested counseling or divorce when a marriage reaches that point. I think a lot of men would like a divorce but don’t do it because of the huge downside. (Severely reduced access to his kids and financial devastation. ) They have decided that a loveless, sexless marriage is preferable. Yes, it sucks, but it’s better than not seeing your kids every day and being poor. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/27 "2009-03-23T14:44:52Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > I don’t know what happens to some men after a certain age (say 45). All I know is that it seems that porn is more attractive than real live sex to my husband. One could say (and probably should) that there is so much baggage between the 2 of us at this point that sex is pretty much out of the question,… I think that hits the nail squarely; while maintaining a nice figure, wearing sexy clothing (be it lingerie or a button down Oxford with nothing underneath), and not being a shrilly critical are all helpful, if the underlying context for the man is “What is this going to cost me?” then it is easy to see why porn is more appealing, and no doubt vice versa. If sex is a chore then it’s going to be low on the list of “Things To Do Tonight,” after cleaning the toilet and reading a John Grisham novel. > [@DianaG](#): > > The secret is to never let sex fall off the list of priorities to begin with. Yes, I realize that’s easier said than done, but to stop having sex and then wonder why you don’t feel sexy is not any different than to stop working out and then wonder why you feel flabby. It’s always easier to maintain than to dig yourself a hole to climb out of. Absolutely; a woman expecting that sex will just happen because she dresses in lingerie, or a man because he makes some kind of a crude grab-ass pass isn’t going to generally going to pique the other’s interest. You wouldn’t do or expect this to work on someone you have just met, so why would you demonstrate even less respect and empathy with your spouse. Once you let that level of interest and respect lapse it just doesn’t return on cue. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/28 "2009-03-23T15:40:26Z")
Count me among the dudes baffled that this is even a problem. I know it is for some, I don’t doubt that for a minute, but it’s so wildly different from my own experience that it’s like we’re discussing some alien species. I love my wife just as much after 18-some years of marriage as I ever did, but with three little boys and a full calendar of stuff that needs to be done day in and day out, our sex life is not nearly what it once was. I’ve always had a significantly stronger sex drive than her, and believe me, I pick up on the slightest of hints she drops. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/29 "2009-03-23T15:58:03Z")
> [@Jane\_Elliot](#): > > I was with a guy for way too long, who told me point blank that the reason he didn’t want to have sex with me was that I was too fat. I had put on 15 pounds after we moved in together, so I felt he had a point. > > However, I later realized, after I gained another 15 pounds, that I was incredibly angry that he was the kind of person who based his love and intimacy on how skinny I was. 5 years after the first ‘you’re too fat’ conversation I left him because of it. I shouldn’t have waited those 5 years. > > I could never forgive him for it, but last year I lost 40 pounds and realized that living well is the best revenge. I don’t get why that is such a heinous thing. I mean yeah, he could have put it nicer, but he can’t help what he is attracted to. And I’m sure if he could do something to make him more attractive in your eyes that he’d want you to tell him. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/30 "2009-03-23T16:07:19Z")
Communicate. With a therapist if necessary. Losing weight won’t help if he doesn’t care about the weight, but he just doesn’t really like you anymore as a person. The end result of communicating may be a healthy marriage and sex life. It may be deciding to be life partners without sex (or with limited sex) and it might be to break up. (And why would anyone follow through with an engagement where pre-marriage he is too into WoW to have sex is beyond me. Catch the clue bus, honey…find yourself a new man, this isn’t going to get BETTER after marriage). ---
**Author:** ![PharmBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@PharmBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PharmBoy)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/31 "2009-03-23T16:29:00Z")
> [@Jane\_Elliot](#): > > I was with a guy for way too long, who told me point blank that the reason he didn’t want to have sex with me was that I was too fat. I had put on 15 pounds after we moved in together, so I felt he had a point. > > However, I later realized, after I gained another 15 pounds, that I was incredibly angry that he was the kind of person who based his love and intimacy on how skinny I was. 5 years after the first ‘you’re too fat’ conversation I left him because of it. I shouldn’t have waited those 5 years. > > I could never forgive him for it, but last year I lost 40 pounds and realized that living well is the best revenge. Well, in a perfect world, it wouldn’t matter what you look like, but we don’t live there. I have heard this so many times and it seems obvious, but here it is: Men are visual creatures. It may make us pigs, it may not be right, but that’s the way it is. No one can help getting old, but you CAN help getting fat. So, bot the man and the woman should make an attempt to stay in good physical condition. I’m glad you lost weight and are felling better, but everytime I hear this story (and I’ve heard it 1000’s of times) I have to ask: why did you wait to get in shape? In other words, why didn’t you do it for your SO? ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/32 "2009-03-23T16:31:52Z")
Well, I’m kind of in the guy-not-wanting-it-as-much position, so I’ll chime in. Of course, I may not be the best source of info, since if I had a better idea what the problem was, it wouldn’t be a problem, eh? That said, I don’t know that I agree with the ‘tell him you want it’ advice. At least in my case, that’s part of the problem - being too up-front about sex takes all the magic out of it. Makes it the same as asking for a sandwich or something, not sexy at all. What makes it hard to get out of the rut is that not getting as much sex as you want makes you push for it more (I know, I’ve been in that position too!), but being pushed makes me just not want to deal with it. Kind of a downward spiral thing, and something I’m still working on in my relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/33 "2009-03-23T16:32:48Z")
> [@PharmBoy](#): > > I’m glad you lost weight and are felling better, but everytime I hear this story (and I’ve heard it 1000’s of times) I have to ask: why did you wait to get in shape? In other words, why didn’t you do it for your SO? You can’t loose weight for someone else. You can’t stop smoking for someone else or get sober for someone else or become tidy for someone else. You have to do these things for yourself. And if a guy wants to be shallow and want a skinny girl, I have no problem with that - but then he shouldn’t be dating someone he finds unattractive. Cut her loose. Or, as another doper once said: “If you want to change your girlfriend, change girlfriends.” ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/34 "2009-03-23T16:36:41Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > That said, I don’t know that I agree with the ‘tell him you want it’ advice. At least in my case, that’s part of the problem - being too up-front about sex takes all the magic out of it. Makes it the same as asking for a sandwich or something, not sexy at all. What makes it hard to get out of the rut is that not getting as much sex as you want makes you push for it more (I know, I’ve been in that position too!), but being pushed makes me just not want to deal with it. Kind of a downward spiral thing, and something I’m still working on in my relationship. This. Walk around the house in a teddy, but _let your man approach you_. Then push him away ;). He’ll be pawing at the ground like a bull in no time. ETA: If your problem is the one **overlyverbose** describes, this won’t work. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/35 "2009-03-23T16:44:20Z")
> [@Plan\_B](#): > > I seem to remember a thread here, maybe six months ago, where a female doper received lots of good ideas on text messages to send her husband (or boyfriend) to arouse his interest. Tried searching for that thread and failed. If anyone has a link to it I’d appreciate it. > > Also any other suggestions, from either gender, straight or gay, would be appreciated. Hey! I started that thread! Here you go [Linky](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=497893) And FTR, the girlfriend on whose behalf I posted that query is very slender. She liked the replies ;). They say the biggest sex organ is your brain. I’d work from that angle. Communicate. Share fantasies. And I agree, it’s really difficult to change course after years of inattention. And if he really doesn’t want to participate, she needs to have her own private party. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/36 "2009-03-23T17:06:37Z")
> [@](#): > > Count me among the dudes baffled that this is even a problem. I know it is for some, I don’t doubt that for a minute, but it’s so wildly different from my own experience that it’s like we’re discussing some alien species. I love my wife just as much after 18-some years of marriage as I ever did, but with three little boys and a full calendar of stuff that needs to be done day in and day out, our sex life is not nearly what it once was. I’ve always had a significantly stronger sex drive than her, and believe me, I pick up on the slightest of hints she drops. Agree with this. My case is the same, just substituting one high-maintenance girl for three boys. I can’t imagine wanting to play video games/watch porn/write/do math instead of sex. Although sometimes I really have to pull myself away from the math. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/37 "2009-03-23T17:25:47Z")
> [@Jane\_Elliot](#): > > I was with a guy for way too long, who told me point blank that the reason he didn’t want to have sex with me was that I was too fat. I had put on 15 pounds after we moved in together, so I felt he had a point. > > However, I later realized, after I gained another 15 pounds, that I was incredibly angry that he was the kind of person who based his love and intimacy on how skinny I was. 5 years after the first ‘you’re too fat’ conversation I left him because of it. I shouldn’t have waited those 5 years. > > I could never forgive him for it, but last year I lost 40 pounds and realized that living well is the best revenge. What kind of person is that? “Human”? Another way to look at it is you didn’t care enough to take care of yourself while you were with him. I’m not saying your SO should be measuring you like a ballerina. But can you honestly say that if you met your SO when you were at +40 lbs he would have still fallen in love with you? If you ballooned up +100 lbs, can you honestly say that you can fault him for not feeling attracted to you? What about if the situations were reversed? I often wonder how many people (men or women) after n years in a relationship all of a sudden look at their partner and see how much they’ve changed for the worse and say “whaaaaat the fuck is THIS shit? Who is this 400 lb loser sitting in a pile of Cheeto crumbs drinking beers and watching reality shows all day?” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Batman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/22d042/32.png) [@The\_Batman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Batman)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/38 "2009-03-23T17:28:07Z")
[QUOTE=Dangerosa] You can’t loose weight for someone else. [/QUOTE] Pretty sure you can. Of course, it requires that you put your SO before yourself. [QUOTE=Dangerosa] And if a guy wants to be shallow and want a skinny girl, I have no problem with that - but then he shouldn’t be dating someone he finds unattractive. Cut her loose. [/QUOTE] No, he shouldn’t date someone he finds unattractive. But what when the person he is dating stops being attractive to him? Should he just live with it, or tell his partner what’s going on? I think he should say why he doesn’t want to have sex. However, once he says why the ball is now in his SOs court, she can either say 'Gee I’m sory you feel that way, nice knowing you" or lose some weight. Nobody, not even the love of your life, needs to put up with someone’s bitchiness, fat-ass, or lazyness just because that’s ‘who you are’. People like attractive people, they don’t like ugly people. Simple as that. ---
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/39 "2009-03-23T17:46:41Z")
> [@PharmBoy](#): > > Well, in a perfect world, it wouldn’t matter what you look like, but we don’t live there. I have heard this so many times and it seems obvious, but here it is: Men are visual creatures. It may make us pigs, it may not be right, but that’s the way it is. No one can help getting old, but you CAN help getting fat. So, bot the man and the woman should make an attempt to stay in good physical condition. I’ve thought about this situation alot, mostly because of my own experience. Nothing special, quite consistent with everything anyone has heard… with guy who pledged his love, I gained weight, and suddenly I was “too ugly to touch”. We break up, I’m much better off. I think the difference, is I think that what turns me on to a guy should be more than just my body. The better I know my boyfriend, the better the sex has gotten. Phenomenally better. My body, if anything, has changed for the worse. So I think there’s something that makes sex better besides physical appearance. If the only thing that makes me sexy to a guy is my appearance, I don’t think it’s much of a relationship. Also, if a guy really cares about me, I expect to hear something from him prior to the point where he’s disgusted with me. You don’t gain 30lbs over night. You don’t even gain 5lbs over night. If it’s such a deal breaker to the guy, maybe he should voice his opinion when 5lbs has gone on, while it’s still easier to get back to the original weight. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/40 "2009-03-23T17:55:29Z")
> [@Tijuana\_Golds](#): > > Pretty sure you can. Of course, it requires that you put your SO before yourself. I suspect you wouldn’t be long term successful - at least I’ve never been long term successful changing myself for anyone but me, and I don’t know anyone who has. > [@](#): > > No, he shouldn’t date someone he finds unattractive. But what when the person he is dating stops being attractive to him? Should he just live with it, or tell his partner what’s going on? I think he should say why he doesn’t want to have sex. However, once he says why the ball is now in his SOs court, she can either say 'Gee I’m sory you feel that way, nice knowing you" or lose some weight. > > Nobody, not even the love of your life, needs to put up with someone’s bitchiness, fat-ass, or lazyness just because that’s ‘who you are’. People like attractive people, they don’t like ugly people. Simple as that. Some people find different things attractive - including guys who find an ‘extra’ 40 pounds very attractive. And I agree. He shouldn’t have put up with her. But there were two people stuck in a relationship - she is guilty of not telling him to jump in a lake the first time. And he is guilty for not just saying ‘look, I’m not that into you.’ Long term, very few women will remain skinny - even Audrey Hepburn once weighed over 150 lbs. If you are going to be shallow about that, its best not to imply you are going to stick around for the long term. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395.md?page=3)