# What can women do to get their SO interested in them sexually? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 22, 2009, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395 "2009-03-22T23:25:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/141 "2009-03-24T19:21:19Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > The lovely and talented Mr and Mrs Shodan (you are lovely too, right, Shodan?) BOTH value staying in shape. Attractiveness here isn’t the root cause, its shared values and shared interests. Since they both value maintaining fitness and health, that’s a shared value for them. If the lovely and talented Mrs. Shodan were to have a terrible accident and no longer be able to keep herself in the same shape, I suspect - given everything Shodan has ever said about her - that Shodan would still find her lovely and talented. Indeed I would - in large part because her efforts to remain attractive have not only been successful, but because they are part of a larger history where she does all kinds of things to please me. Many of those things are non-sexual. However, the non-sexual things set a context which makes the sexual things more successful, just as the sex sets a context for the rest. Which makes, I think. **Misery Loves Co.**'s question a good one - what should a woman do if her husband does not find her sexually attractive? To which the best response I can come up with is, find out what turns him on, and do that. Keeping in mind at the same time that “what turns him on” usually can’t be separated from the whole relationship. Certainly it is glib to just say “lose some weight” as if that were the be-all and end-all of getting your guy to want you. And most people have trouble losing weight, or at least keeping it off for any length of time. Fortunately, there are other things you can do as well. Changing your wardrobe, both in public and private, how do you approach your spouse, a willingness to try something new - all these can help. There is a whole website - [www.marriagebuilders.com](http://www.marriagebuilders.com) - devoted to an approach to these kinds of issues that I think is basically sound. Obviously, the whole burden shouldn’t be on the wife. And there is no reason to subject yourself to things you find unpleasant or degrading, of course. My own tastes don’t run to chains and midgets, so I probably can’t advise you if your husband brings home a cocker spaniel and a large tub of Cool-Whip, but if you put your mind to it, you can come up with any number of ideas even within my own rather vanilla parameters. Because, as I said, men appreciate the effort, especially if it is sustained. It takes more than a big weekend to make a successful love life, but I have found that it is well worth the effort. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/142 "2009-03-24T19:24:25Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I think to a certain extent, plain old boredom sets in. It’s like eating the same bowl of cereal for your entire life. No matter how much you love Cheerios (or Lucky Charms if that’s how you swing), you are going to get to the point where you just get tired of the taste. You can sprinkle sugar or slices of fruit in it for awhile, but at what point does the amount of work you have to put in to make things tolerable make it not worth it? I dunno - **Shodan** , since you’re currently the poster child for a healthy marital sex-life, does the Cheerios metaphor fit? ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/143 "2009-03-24T19:33:29Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Nowhere in this thread do I see any suggestions that he should periodically just suck it up and do her anyway because it’s important to her. But the title of the thread is “What can women do to get their SO interested…”. So that suggestion would not be an answer to the question. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/144 "2009-03-24T19:39:04Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I think to a certain extent, plain old boredom sets in. It’s like eating the same bowl of cereal for your entire life. No matter how much you love Cheerios (or Lucky Charms if that’s how you swing), you are going to get to the point where you just get tired of the taste. You can sprinkle sugar or slices of fruit in it for awhile, but at what point does the amount of work you have to put in to make things tolerable make it not worth it? I think this is a little bit true maybe, after a very long time, but mostly it’s going to depend on how good the sex was to begin with, and WHY it was good. Lots of “good” sex is based on infatuation, and that new relationship smell, which will get you through about a year of marriage, I’m guessing. Good sex based on true sexual compatibility gets \*better \*with time, IME. If you’re lucky enough to meet someone who complements you sexually as well as in all the other ways a partner should complement you, that person is a keeper. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/145 "2009-03-24T19:47:57Z")
> [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](#): > > I dunno - **Shodan** , since you’re currently the poster child for a healthy marital sex-life, does the Cheerios metaphor fit? Not particularly. And by that I **don’t** necessarily mean we are ringing the changes on the _Kama Sutra_ every time we do the horizontal hula. Like I said, I am fairly vanilla, not to say boring, in my sexual tastes. Maybe I am kidding myself here - no doubt everyone thinks their own kinks are “normal” and everyone else is the weirdo, but nothing of what we habitually do involves a third party, leaves marks, or needs batteries. But it doesn’t seem boring. Maybe some of the other old married types can confirm, but ISTM that the maxim “practice makes perfect” is at least as much a truism as “familiarity breeds contempt”. We’ve been together a long time. And we have more or less figured out what we like and how we like it. But it still encompasses a wide range of emotional contexts. If you have been married long enough, maybe you know what I mean. Sometimes, it’s Lancelot and Guinevere. Sometimes, it’s Tarzan and Jane. Sometimes, it’s just Wednesday. Noting wrong with Wednesday either. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/146 "2009-03-24T19:48:01Z")
> [@cjepson](#): > > But the title of the thread is “What can women do to get their SO interested…”. So that suggestion would not be an answer to the question. Ah, but **CrazyCatLady’s** comment is very useful in revealing the gender-bias in the answers to the OP ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/147 "2009-03-24T19:55:08Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Because, as I said, men appreciate the effort, especially if it is sustained. It takes more than a big weekend to make a successful love life, but I have found that it is well worth the effort. > > Regards, > Shodan I was going to respond, but **Shodan** said it better. Why do some people equate doing something for your spouse with oil, whips, and farm animals? There are tons of little things to do to make life happy. Make the bed together (it goes faster.) Watch TV together, even if she isn’t watching your absolutely favorite program. This goes both ways, of course. You can have the attitude that you don’t want to do anything the slightest bit outside your comfort zone or not top of your list, or you can have a long term satisfying relationship of equals. Your choice. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/148 "2009-03-24T20:04:21Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Good sex based on true sexual compatibility gets \*better \*with time, IME. If you’re lucky enough to meet someone who complements you sexually as well as in all the other ways a partner should complement you, that person is a keeper. More important than just complementing each other is that you both are willing and able to learn, grow and improve together. Growing together is much more fun than growing apart. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/149 "2009-03-24T20:07:51Z")
> [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](#): > > I dunno - **Shodan** , since you’re currently the poster child for a healthy marital sex-life, does the Cheerios metaphor fit? Cheerios? I’d consider it more a cookbook filled with shared meals. Most of them are pretty damn good, some are exquisite, and a few were bleah - but you never get better without the risk of flopping once or twice. As time goes on, you do the tried and true good ones, but once in a while you go back to try to reproduce the classics, and once in a while you try a new recipe to see how it is. But you can agree - no beets. There, that metaphor is beaten to death now … ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/150 "2009-03-24T20:09:16Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Why do some people equate doing something for your spouse with oil, whips, and farm animals? I’d guess for 2 reasons - one is hyperbole, and the other is that to some, you’d think we were actually asking for whips, oil, and farm animals given the response. ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/151 "2009-03-24T20:16:57Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > There, that metaphor is beaten to death now … Almost: I love the expanded metaphor. Bringing it back to the question at hand: what do you do if your S.O. only likes cheerios? If that’s the only thing on /your/ menu because of it? ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/152 "2009-03-24T20:23:17Z")
> [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](#): > > Almost: I love the expanded metaphor. Bringing it back to the question at hand: what do you do if your S.O. only likes cheerios? If that’s the only thing on /your/ menu because of it? Well, you could probably convince them to slice some strawberries onto the cheerios every once in a while, but like others have mentioned, once you go much beyond that, they don’t like it, and you feel like you’re being appeased, and it just gets kind of icky. Ideally of course, one shouldn’t marry someone who only likes cheerios, if one is inclined towards the variety pack, let alone the occasional eggs benedict. ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/153 "2009-03-24T20:30:40Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Well, you could probably convince them to slice some strawberries onto the cheerios every once in a while, but like others have mentioned, once you go much beyond that, they don’t like it, and you feel like you’re being appeased, and it just gets kind of icky. > > Ideally of course, one shouldn’t marry someone who only likes cheerios, if one is inclined towards the variety pack, let alone the occasional eggs benedict. Right - that’s what I thought. In the most ironic sense of the phrase, you’re fucked. On edit, the Not-so-Flip expansion: You’re left to decide whether sex is as important to your psychological well being as all that. Point being that you can’t change the other person, so your options are put up or get out. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/154 "2009-03-24T20:31:15Z")
> [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](#): > > See, I can’t imagine a bigger turn off than my wife doing something she finds unpleasant just to make me happy. :shrug: Everyone has their own preferences. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/155 "2009-03-24T20:35:50Z")
I’m with Misery. I \*hate \*the feeling that I’m being appeased. I don’t ever want to be anyone’s “have to”. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/156 "2009-03-24T20:40:38Z")
> [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](#): > > But we’re talking about the inverse scenario. Let’s say that Mr. Plow (whatever that is) is some kind of sexual icon for you, and that your S.O. wearing it would just drive you crazy. Your S.O. puts it on, trying to please but is clearly completely uncomfortable and “in their head”, and looks for the first opportunity to take it off. Your repeated protestations about how hawt it was, and how much you appreciated the gesture fall on their self-consciously deaf ears. > > The culmination of a mild sexual fantasy? Ummmmmmmmm no. discomfort-making? Yeppers. Feel like shit for bringing it up and putting both of you through it? Bingo. Your fault? No. Your SO’s fault? No. Does it matter? No. > > But “I want you to want me” nicely sums up the problem - Mr. Plow is a Simpsons reference…one time, Homer had the idea of starting a snow plow business, and as part of that, he got this satin varsity jacket-type thing that said Mr. Plow on the back. It turns out that Marge kind of liked that. Anyway at the end of the episode, after Homer had abandoned the business idea, and at bedtime, Marge asked Homer if he could put the jacket on… Actually, I think this is a more apt analogy than the oil/whips/chains thing, perhaps. For some, that is. ---
**Author:** ![Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/157 "2009-03-24T20:47:01Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I’m with Misery. I \*hate \*the feeling that I’m being appeased. I don’t ever want to be anyone’s “have to”. I suppose the question is: Is it more important _how_ you got the cookie, or _that_ you got the cookie. . . . maybe “cookie” is a bad word to use in this context. (on preview) Thanks **An Arky** - would a “d’oh”/headslap be appropriate? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/158 "2009-03-24T20:50:09Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > But it doesn’t seem boring. Maybe some of the other old married types can confirm, but ISTM that the maxim “practice makes perfect” is at least as much a truism as “familiarity breeds contempt”. I’d concur. We’ve been doing our horizontal hula for 15 years now - and there is no contempt. I will grant that there isn’t the level of lust that existed in the first few carnal months - but there is more than during the toddler years with the kids. I’ll also agree that it isn’t cheerios - more like a large cookbook of family recipes. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/159 "2009-03-24T20:53:32Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Well, you wouldn’t be _my_ husband long if you were not only not fucking me, but insisted on telling me what I can and can’t discuss with my friends, so that works out. > > Why aren’t you concerned about being embarrassed in front of or facing my _girlfriends_, incidentally? Just out of curiousity. If I were your husband, I would hope I wouldn’t be fucking you but rather that we would be fucking each other. You make it sound like I would censor every conversation and have to approve every topic. A few things are private, IMO. But I realize there’s a need to blow off steam, and I think that’s what same-sex friends are for. And I think that answers your question WRT why it wouldn’t bother me to face your girlfriends—I’ve heard men talk trash about their wives and while I’m sure there’s a lot of truth to it, I also know there are two sides to every story. Other things that are private? Not a lot, really. A lot of people are sensitive about money…I’m not so much, but I’d expect there are others who wouldn’t want the spouse talking about it to all and sundry. An embarrassing medical condition or family situation, maybe. ---
**Author:** ![EastCoastPearl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/aeb1de/32.png) [@EastCoastPearl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EastCoastPearl)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2009, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395/160 "2009-03-24T20:59:37Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Why does this read like it is only a male problem? It goes the other way too. I was wondering the same thing. My husband’s about 100 pounds overweight and I admit I’m less attracted to him than when we first met (he was pretty buff at the time), but one of the biggest reasons I’m not interested in sex with him isn’t because of how he looks, it’s because the sex just doesn’t FEEL as good. We’ve had phenomenal sex in the past, and I really miss it, but his weight just makes it pretty much impossible to do some of the things I really enjoy. I’ve also been with guys I considered too skinny, based on how the sex felt, even though I was physically attracted to them at first glance. So weight isn’t always just an aesthetic issue. Either way, in spite of the issues we have (weight or otherwise), I wouldn’t trade my husband for the world. I didn’t fall in love with him because of his looks, and I _certainly_ didn’t fall in love with him for his outstanding housekeeping skills :rolleyes: But I’m fairly confident the sex will be good again and I have all the features I DID fall in love with to enjoy in the meantime. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-women-do-to-get-their-so-interested-in-them-sexually/490395.md?page=9)