# What can you do with 40lbs of lard? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 27, 2002, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251 "2002-12-27T23:06:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Stana\_Claus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stana_claus/32/13874_2.png) [@Stana\_Claus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stana_Claus)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2002, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/1 "2002-12-27T23:06:47Z")
OK, here’s the backstory - 10 years ago a friend of mine had helped clean out a closed down plant nursery and therefore had a bunch of dead potted tree saplings sitting in his yard. I took one of those dead saplings, tied an old font cartridge in it with a red ribbon, then gave it to my mother for Christmas. It was a cartridge in a dead tree. I followed that up the next year with two purple gloves. Then came three linch pins and then four calling cards. Year five was five old things (antique kitchen gadgets). Year six was six pizza makings (Chef Boyardee pizza dinner kits), seven was seven wanton women (glossy 8x10 photos of Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Theda Bara, Mae West, Jayne Mansfield, Sophia Loren, and Elvira). Eight was eight made of milk things, and nine was nine ladies Danskins. This year was year ten so I bought ten 4lb pails of lard, emptied the lard out of the pails, drilled some holes in them, and they became: Ten lards a-leaking. Now I have 40lbs of lard sitting around and no clue what to do with it. I’ve thought of mixing it with bird seed, freezing it, and making bird feeder stuff kind of like the suet cakes you can buy at the store. Suet is beef fat, lard is pork fat, so it should work out about the same, shouldn’t it? Is lard bad for birds? Any other ideas as to what to do with the stuff? I mean, it would take years to bake enough biscuits and pie shells to use it all up. While we’re at it, if anyone would like to give me some suggestions as to what to do for years eleven (eleven pipers piping) and twelve (twelve drummers drumming) that would be appreciated as well. I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do for those two yet. But, hey, I’ve still got another year before I have to worry about the next one. Thanks for any ideas you may have that would be helpful. SC ---
**Author:** ![Stana\_Claus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stana_claus/32/13874_2.png) [@Stana\_Claus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stana_Claus)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2002, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/2 "2002-12-27T23:09:54Z")
Dagnabit, I knew I should have previewed before posting. The 1st year’s gift was a “cartridge in a bare tree” not a “dead” one. It actually fits the song that way. Oh, well. SC ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2002, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/3 "2002-12-27T23:15:47Z")
Lard Wrestling? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2002, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/4 "2002-12-27T23:24:43Z")
Well, you could make soap. Lots and LOTS of soap. Maybe you can call your local extension office and find out about the birdseed/lard option, or check with the library’s reference section. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Scotticher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Scotticher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scotticher)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2002, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/5 "2002-12-27T23:32:28Z")
You are, without doubt, the most awesome gift-giver I have met recently. I bow in your general direction. For next year, you COULD send her links to eleven pit threads you don’t feel are valid…“Eleven Snipers Sniping”, you know? 🙂 But perhaps you would have to be a member here to “get” it…and then there is the alternate meaning of Sniper, too…so maybe it isn’t such a good idea. But I will be thinking on it, trust me! Oh, and I cannot see why lard would be any worse for birds than suet, and I think that would be a GREAT way to use up the lard. You should maybe sell these at a bazaar next year. You know, the large pine cone kind? You take a huge pine cone, roll it in the lard and stick the birdseed to it, (or something like that) tie on a bow, package in groups of two and make a fortune. Because lets face it, you are going to be able to make THOUSANDS of them with 40lbs of lard. I have some large pine cones I will send you, too. Ever the helpful Scotti, _who has a box of large pinecones in her garage she would be HAPPY to donate!_ Cheri ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2002, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/6 "2002-12-27T23:34:34Z")
Royal Flush Plumbing in Anderson, Indiana advertises in November and December that they have “eleven pipers piping.” The ads show a gang of plumbers working on a maze of pipes. Hiring eleven plumbers would be very expensive, but it shouldn’t cost much to get eleven baby chickens (peepers peeping.) As for the lard, you might write to Emeril Lagasse. Tell him it’s a pork fat thing. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2002, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/7 "2002-12-27T23:45:08Z")
Two words: Calista Flockhart If anybody needs a lard ass, she’s the one. By the way, I’ve been to the House of Commons in London, and there certainly are a lot of Lards a Leapin’. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/8 "2002-12-28T00:01:24Z")
Shoot! I was gonna suggest “biscuits around” for the board, but you shot that down. Too bad there isn’t a _LardPal_ site so you could send some to us cooking dopers. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/9 "2002-12-28T00:01:33Z")
Drummers drumming- A CD with twelve tracks, each containing a drum solo? I’m sure Phil Collins has one somehwere, and I have a bootleg Aerosmith track with a drum solo by Joey Kramer that’s at least five minutes long. Also there are CDs sold that consist of bothing but drum loops. (Kramer has one, but it’s real expensive.) ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/10 "2002-12-28T00:20:00Z")
Fry food in it. Make refried beans. As for the pipes and drums, why not kill two birds with one stone? [Here’s a good site to find that…](http://www.concordemusic.com/product-PIPES%20AND%20DRUMS.html) ---
**Author:** ![Stana\_Claus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stana_claus/32/13874_2.png) [@Stana\_Claus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stana_Claus)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/11 "2002-12-28T00:31:36Z")
So, **Slainte** , how _you_ doin’? **Scotticher** , do you have a fireplace? Pine cones make excellent fire starters, especially if you dip them in wax first. Although the pine cone bird feeders may work as a change of pace. I was just going to pour it into a loaf pan and then cut it into slabs to put in my suet feeders, but your idea is much more artistic. Of course, I have plenty of pine cones of my own all over my yard, so there’s no need for you to ship me any of yours. And, **samclem** , if you want to make your own biscuits, I’ll be glad to send you the lard. 😃 The lard pails leaking was kind of a last minute thing this year. I really wanted to send her 10 loaded leaf springs but I couldn’t find any small enough to be shipped. I thought model shops would have had some leaf springs for model cars or trains, but I never found any. Oh, well. Eleven. Do you think eleven piebald pitbulls would work? Probably not. SC ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/12 "2002-12-28T00:33:50Z")
Upon reading the thread title, I was thinking “well, I put underwear on it and then pull a pair of jeans over the thing each morning” but I see you meant something else. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/13 "2002-12-28T00:45:29Z")
Next year, you go to your local Harley Davidson shop, convince them to get 11 people in Hell’s Angels outfits to drive up mom’s driveway and rev engines for awhile: Voila - 11 bikers biking. Now, for the following year, trying to find 12 Hum-V’s in your area could be a bitch, but…hummers humming. Or 12 people pulling out their dentures at her doorstep and eat cookies: 12 gummers gumming. ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/14 "2002-12-28T00:50:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Stana Claus \* > \*\*So, **Slainte** , how _you_ doin’? > \*\* I’m doin’ quite well, thanks. 🆒 And, to help you, I volunteer to wrestle either Angelina Jolie or my **Board Crush[sup]TM[/sup]** - whichever you deem appropriate. I couldn’t turn my back on you, during your time of lard crisis, **Stana Claus**. Especially after all the lovely gifts I received for Christmas. ---
**Author:** ![Stana\_Claus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stana_claus/32/13874_2.png) [@Stana\_Claus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stana_Claus)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/15 "2002-12-28T01:19:33Z")
BTW, I was quite proud of year eight’s gift. The eight made of milk things were: one can of condensed milk; one can of evaporated milk; one can of goat’s milk; one box of powdered milk; one box of powdered buttermilk; one jar of grated Parmesan cheese; one jar of grated Romano cheese; and one jar of malted milk powder. This all started the year my oldest child was born, and I’ve even made an adaptation of the traditional Christmas carol, _The Twelve Days of Christmas_ **The 12 Years of Christmas** On Shelley’s first Christmas my son, he gave to me A cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s second Christmas my son, he gave to me Two purple gloves, But no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s third Christmas my son, he gave to me Three lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s fourth Christmas my son, he gave to me Four calling cards, No lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s fifth Christmas my son, he gave to me Five old things, No calling cards, No lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s sixth Christmas my son, he gave to me Six pizza makings, No old things, No calling cards, No lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s seventh Christmas my son, he gave to me Seven wanton women, No pizza makings, No old things, No calling cards, No lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s eighth Christmas my son, he gave to me Eight made of milk things, No wanton women, No pizza makings, No old things, No calling cards, No lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s ninth Christmas my son, he gave to me Nine ladies Danskins, No made of milk things, No wanton women, No pizza makings, No old things, No calling cards, No lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. On Shelley’s tenth Christmas my son, he gave to me Ten lard pails leaking No ladies Danskins No made of milk things, No wanton women, No pizza makings, No old things, No calling cards, No lynch pins, No purple gloves, And no cartridge in a bare tree. …to be continued. SC ---
**Author:** ![Stana\_Claus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stana_claus/32/13874_2.png) [@Stana\_Claus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stana_Claus)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/16 "2002-12-28T01:30:08Z")
Hey, **Slainte** , I’ve put in a call to Angelina Jolie to see if she’ll join you in the lard pit. I’ll let you know when I hear back from her. When y’all are done lard rasslin’, then I can use the rassled in lard to make pine cone bird feeders to sell at the flea markets. The selling potential of lard filled pine cone bird feeders laced with _l’essence de **Slainte** et Angelina Jolie_ is simply unimaginable (my mind boggles at the thought, at least) SC ---
**Author:** ![Stana\_Claus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stana_claus/32/13874_2.png) [@Stana\_Claus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stana_Claus)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/17 "2002-12-28T01:43:50Z")
**Cranky** dear, when you get done dressing yours up does it by any chance put one in mind of two 'coons in a croaker sack? “Lord, I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave.” And **Dmark** , my mom lives in Houston, TX and is a little old gray haired lady. Eleven Hells Angels in her driveway wouldn’t be _that_ unusual, but it would probably make her just a bit uncomfortable. But the hummers humming thing might work. I could make a recording of 12 people humming **The Twelve Days of Christmas**. I’ll have to keep that one in mind. Thanks. SC ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/18 "2002-12-28T01:46:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Stana Claus \* > \*\*The selling potential of lard filled pine cone bird feeders laced with _l’essence de **Slainte** et Angelina Jolie_ is simply unimaginable (my mind boggles at the thought, at least) > > SC \*\* 😃 That has to be one of the most vivid sentences I’ve ever on this board. You’d definitely have a novelty item; no other booth at the flea market is going to be able to top that, I guarantee ya. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/19 "2002-12-28T01:48:36Z")
\*I’ve ever read on this board (Can you blame me for being distracted?) ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2002, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251/20 "2002-12-28T04:40:24Z")
With 40lbs of lard, you can make 320 apple pies, or 1920 Butter tarts. Yum. That will give you treats to munch while you’re waiting for the 11th and 12th days. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-can-you-do-with-40lbs-of-lard/145251.md?page=2)