One time my wife and I were famished on a road trip, so we went to Long John Silvers.
The only other person in the restaurant was the fifty-year-old man behind the counter, with a rictus grin on his face and a nametag that said, I shit you not, “Mr. Happy.” He took our order with the sort of good cheer that makes you think he’s got a bloody cleaver in the hand hidden behind his back, and gave us our “food.”
At Long John Silver’s, they apparently don’t have the battered fish you’d expect. Instead, they’ve got sawdust ground up from old ocean piers, soaked with twenty years of fishguts. They fill brown paper bags with this sawdust and marinate it in rancid fish oil overnight. Then they put the little paper bags under a heat lamp and pretend that the paper is batter and the sawdust is fish.
It is a tawdry, transparent ploy. But at least Mr. Happy didn’t serve us the eviscerated remains of the last customers, as we were afraid he was going to do.
As we left the restaurant, we noticed a bell by the exit, with a sign saying, “Ring Bell if you Enjoyed your Long John Silvers Experience!” We cast a last fearful glance back at Mr. Happy and hurried away.
Taco Bell, White Castle and Denny’s are intended solely for those either recovering from or still enduring massive amount of alcohol or other drugs in their system. Under such circumstances, they are acceptable. Never attempt one sober.
Ah that role is filled by the kebab in Australia. A current TV ad even shows a bunch of puzzled drunks while explaining that somehow between the pub and home you end up eating a kebab, as evidenced by this
This far and no one has mentioned Carls Jr.? I’m glad they haven’t infested this far north. Made the mistake of eating at one the last time I was in California.
I think Carl’s Jr. = Hardees in other parts of the country. They shut down all of the Hardee’s where I used to live (Cincinnati) but I think they still have some here because I hear their adverts. But I don’t ever eat there so I don’t know for sure.
In the fast food category, worst overall, I’d have to say Long John Silver’s, specifically their chicken ‘planks’, perhaps the most disgusting things I’ve ever eaten that weren’t, say, insect parts.
After that, Burger King. Can’t think of a single appetizing thing on their menu, although I will confess a certain fondness for the Double Whopper w/Cheese as a hangover cure, back in the days when I still had hangovers to cure.
A special, across-the-board category should be created for the concessions along the Pennsylvania Turnpike: stopping at any one of them (McD’s, BK, Sbarro and (shudder) Roy Rogers, depending on location) is like having lunch in the basement of the Ninth Circle of Hell. What makes it even worse is remembering that at one time these were all clean, bright, tasty Howard Johnson’s rather than the dank caverns of warmed-over pestilence they are today.
In the ‘Let’s pretend we’re a real restaurant’ category, someone mentioned Friendly’s; I’ll go with that for it’s utterly tasteless food, nightmarish color scheme and general ‘psychotic clown’ ambience. But nearly all the big chains are fairly horrible in my book; if I had to pick a runner-up it would be a dead heat among Denny’s, Applebee’s and Red Lobster, among others.
Yep. It’s the same chain, just different regional names. Same nasty food though.
Although I can’t speak for all of their fare, Taco Bell has to be one of the worst places I’ve ever eaten. Their bean burritos were served at a lunch meeting one day. I got one; I noticed many people eagerly grabbing two. It was lukewarm, very squishy, and gave you the impression that it was something you really shouldn’t be touching. The substance inside looked like something from the tiling department in a home improvement warehouse. I only managed two bites; it was tasteless, but had the texture of vomit.
Another vote for Long John Silver’s, and I’ll add Bojangles to that too. I don’t know how Bojangles stays in business, between the limited menu and the sheer grossness of what they do have. McDonald’s is actually a step up.
We can never eat at BK, either, as BK burgers make my husband burp. And burp. And burp. For HOURS. Something is seriously not right with that food.
I’ve eaten insects from the street vendors in Bangkok. Fried grasshoppers, ants, etc. They’re actually not bad, although you pull the very thing legs off the end of the grasshopper and just eat the more “meaty” bits. So they probably rate ahead of chicken planks…
Impossible for a vegetarian to find a decent meal, and nearly impossible for someone who doesn’t want to eat a 1,000+ calorie gut-bomb to find something to eat, too.
I like Red Lobster, a lot. Never had a bad experience there, and the prices are reasonable. And Olive Garden has always been OK, too, though the service in the two I’ve been to was slow.
I also like the great big hamburgers Hardee’s sells these days, and when we used to live in Virginia Beach, there was a month or so a year where you could get peach milkshakes with real diced peaches in them. Those were good.
