Lawn Order’s 20-year-old formula:
Ka-ching!
“What? Sell my house now? In this economy? Not on your . . . Oh, my God! Amanda! Look! A man’s body smashed that car roof! Somebody call 911!”
Wisecracking, seen-it-all old cop to young, yet-to-be embittered young cop, while glancing at Amanda sideways: “Well, I’da fallen that far for her, too.”
Ka-Ching!
Old cop to boss, 11 minutes into the show and while the credits are still rolling: “We’ve got enough on Frank to arrest him.”
Boss looking up from his desk as he lifts a coffee mug to his mouth: “Bring him in.”
Both cops and Frank, ties askew, in the grill room that hasn’t had a coat of paint since the Dutch left New York: “You killed him! We know you killed him!”
Frank: “No I didn’t, and I can prove it! I was at the opera with Amanda! You can ask her!”
Much asking.
Old cop to boss: “His alibi checks out. He didn’t kill him.”
Boss, turning away while opening a file and phones ring: “Well, check the box office to see who wasn’t at the opera.”
Ka-Ching!
Much checking. Flashlight boss tells of a full house but lets slip a clue when mentioning confusion in the aisles when an usher left for 15 minutes to get batteries for his flashlight at a bodega down the block.
Young cop: “Show us the flashlight cupboard.”
Flashlight boss: “No way. I could get fired.”
Old cop: “Look, chump. We could get a warrant, which, coincidentally while we tear this place apart, could reveal compromising photographs of you ‘having fun’ with a French horn.” Shrugs. “It’s up to you.”
All three make their way to the flashlight cupboard.
Flashlight boss, cresfallen: “Yeah, there should be a flashlight in there.”
Ka-Ching!
Young cop to boss and assistant DA at the police station: “We need a search warrant to check the usher’s home for the flashlight.”
Assistant DA: “Well, we need more than what you got. No judge will issue a warrant for the house of usher on just a theory.”
Old cop: “What? Counsellor, you’re going to put a cold-blooded killer back on the streets?”
Assistant DA: “No, the Constitution is. You want him in jail, get me the evidence.”
Boss, wearily: “OK, OK. Anyone check the car for the flashlight?”
Old cop, young cop glance at each other wryly.
Police car compound, tow truck in background dropping a car: Young cop reaches in through the broken windshield and pulls out a flashlight jammed between the turn signal and the dashboard.
Ka-Ching!
Back in the grill room, with usher
Old cop: “We found your flashlight in the crushed car. The medical report says the gash in the dead guy’s head wasn’t caused by any 25-floor fall from a roof onto a car. The gash could only be caused by your flashlight! Here are the 8 by 10s proving it and the DNA report on the blood on the lens. You were gone 15 minutes, long enough to leave, go to the building, grab the victim, take the express elevator to the roof, hit him on the head with the flashlight, accidentally drop it in his coat pocket, push him off the roof, take the express elevator back to the main floor and be back before the end of the third act!”
Lawyer: “Don’t answer that.” Pushes chair back while pulling suspect to his feet. “We’re done here!”
Ka-Ching!
Courtroom with pictures of Dutch leaving New York on walls. Much courtroom drama in which fat woman judge berates assistant DA for “stepping on thin ice.”
Fat judge: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?”
Jury foreman: “We have, your honor.”
Judge: “What say you on the charge of first-degree murder?”
Foreman: “We find the defendant not guilty.”
Fat judge bangs gavel.
Wrapup in old DA’s office with assistant DA and gopher.
Assistant DA: “I just can’t believe it! What more did that jury want?”
Old DA as he puts on his coat and hat: “Yeah, well, it coulda bin worse.”
Assistant DA as they leave the office: “Worse? How could it have been worse?”
Old DA just before fade to black: “The fat lady coulda sung.”
