# What constitutes cheating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 1, 2009, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583 "2009-12-01T14:26:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/21 "2009-12-01T16:31:35Z")
Most of the options are fairly context-dependent as to whether they’re problematic or not in a romantic relationship. Meeting or emailing someone on a professional basis (presuming the profession isn’t prostitution), or because you’re planning a surprise, or on some piffling matter like arranging a carpool is pretty definitively not cheating, even if you don’t tell your spouse. Ditto hugging a friend for a long time or cuddling them a little after a personal tragedy, or nudity in an artistic or medical scenario. OTOH, doing any of these things with someone you have romantic/sexual interest in isn’t necessarily cheating _per se_, but it’s still wrong and unethical. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/22 "2009-12-01T17:13:21Z")
In a nutshell, if you’re doing something you wouldn’t do in front of your SO, you’re cheating. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/23 "2009-12-01T17:14:22Z")
It’s individual. It’s something every couple should communicate about, because opinions can differ a lot between people. In my own relationship: I would consider suggestive talk, any emotional involvement, and physical contact all to be cheating. I don’t feel comfortable flirting, either, but I’m a profoundly unflirty person. BF would not be comfortable with me having one-on-one time with a straight male friend. This is fine with me because I don’t and never have had straight male friends. I just don’t feel comfortable having friendships where I sense any sexual tension. I do have lesbian friends but it’s always an extremely sisterly relationship. So far I haven’t met a straight man who I felt I could be true friends with… I always get the vibe that they wouldn’t pass up a chance to eff me, and I don’t like it. I don’t care if he hangs out one-on-one with straight women… but he hardly ever does (has a couple of old friends who come around every few years). ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/24 "2009-12-01T17:51:02Z")
Anything you feel you have to hide fom your SO is cheating _for you_. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/25 "2009-12-01T18:04:00Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > Based on the poll, anything that would be awkward if the SO found out. What, like trying on her bra? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/26 "2009-12-01T18:12:33Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > If it feels like cheating, it’s cheating! > > You’re a big boy, and, I suspect, know full well where the line is. > > Trying to define the line so you can worm under or around it, is sleazy in the extreme. > > There’s the letter of the law, and then, there’s the spirit of the law. You seem to be seeking to subvert the spirit of the law while appearing to respect the letter of the law. Ick. > > By the way, you’re not fooling anyone. I agree with this. The question is–are you violating whatever agreement you made with your partner? And if you didn’t make an explicit agreement, well, you should have, and you probably ought to, but you also probably know what the de facto agreement is. > [@as\_u\_wish](#): > > My simple answer re cheating is: “If it has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be doing it.” I would agree with this with one caveat–some people are irrationally jealous, so people may have to keep perfectly innocent things secret because their partner would flip out if they knew.(Hopefully these people are addressing the jealousy issue in some way, too.) ETA: I didn’t answer the poll because most things on the list are dependent on context. ---
**Author:** ![Speak\_to\_me\_Maddie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Speak\_to\_me\_Maddie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speak_to_me_Maddie)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/27 "2009-12-01T19:05:25Z")
I didn’t answer the poll either, because it lacks context. Meeting a member of the opposite sex w/o my wife’s knowledge? Happens all the time, but in a business context. I can also easily imagine hugging, close mouthed kissing, and even co-nudity in completely innocuous, though maybe unusual, situations. Now, if I were meeting a woman w/o my wife’s knowlege with romantic intent, that would be cheating. As others have said, basically, if you have to lie to your S/O about your activity with another man or woman, then you are probably cheating. Usually if you need to convince yourself you aren’t really cheating, you are really cheating. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/28 "2009-12-01T19:22:32Z")
Yeah, that was a terrible poll for cheating. You can certainly be cheating big time without ever even meeting the other person (for example, emotional affairs), and not cheating at all with everyone hanging around naked (bath houses/swimming pools in countries with fewer nudity taboos). ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/29 "2009-12-01T19:23:12Z")
I think a better way to discuss this is to dispense with any attempt to lawyer the word “cheating,” and simply ask, “will this hurt my SO’s feelings?” That’s the question that really matters. It’s not important whether you’re staying within some kind of definitional bounds that you’ve constructed for yourself. If you know your SO would be hurt, then you know you’re not being “as ethical as you could be.” ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/30 "2009-12-01T22:51:38Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > Based on the poll, anything that would be awkward if the SO found out. This. Or maybe, “If your SO did it, you’d be hurt.” Sorry, didn’t pick one of the poll choices. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/31 "2009-12-01T22:57:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I voted all of the above. > > “Cheating” is pretty much doing anything that violates the trust of your SO. I agree with **Dio** ’s definition of cheating, but I don’t agree that everything on this list by definition would fall under that category. I think there has to be sexual/romantic intent for it to be considered cheating. My best friend is a lesbian but we’ve been best friends forever. I can’t count the number of times she has seen me naked or vice-versa… getting ready for a band performance, getting ready for prom, getting ready for our weddings. Not cheating. I cuddle with my friends from time to time, nothing sexual about it. Not cheating. My rule of thumb is, ‘‘Would I be comfortable doing this with this person in front of my S.O.?’’ If the answer is ‘‘no,’’ I don’t do it. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2009, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/32 "2009-12-01T23:19:57Z")
A (female) friend of my wife’s (whose pretty open sexually) has as one of her sayings “Eating ain’t cheating”. Fortunately, she hasn’t tried that with me. (She is attractive, but I know my wife doesn’t share her views). For a minute, I thought the poll would be about that (“Is oral sex cheating? Foreplay?”) ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/33 "2009-12-02T00:04:08Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > There’s the letter of the law, and then, there’s the spirit of the law. You seem to be seeking to subvert the spirit of the law while appearing to respect the letter of the law. Ick. I am married to someone who believes in this principle. We are currently in the process of un-marrying. If I ever hear again someone say to me, “But I was following the rules!” I may instinctively slug them. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/34 "2009-12-02T00:08:28Z")
You missed the one where you fall in love with somebody and spend months pining away for this person and meanwhile seeing only the worst side of your SO, getting totally soured on your SO, independent of your sexual orientation or the other person’s or whether you have any kind of contact with this other person at all or whether your longing and pining is reciprocated, whether you know it or not. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/35 "2009-12-02T00:10:30Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I am married to someone who believes in this principle. We are currently in the process of un-marrying. If I ever hear again someone say to me, “But I was following the rules!” I may instinctively slug them. > > YMMV. That sounds like she was playing a game, and the game for her was to get away with whatever she could. That isn’t a game you play with a loved one (or, as you have noted, you end up in divorce). ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/36 "2009-12-02T00:48:59Z")
Agree with Dio. The way I see it, if it either fits your definition of cheating, or if you suspect that your SO would consider it cheating, it’s cheating. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/37 "2009-12-03T13:47:37Z")
Many good points and I generally agree with Dio, here, but I guess in my mind I would break the word “cheating” into really cheating, and inappropriate behavior. I’ll admit that at times in my relationship, I’ve talked to other women and the conversation drifted into an area where it shouldn’t; innuendos were traded, sexual jokes, etc. I don’t feel like I really “cheated” on my spouse, but the behavior was definitely wrong and should be avoided. Also, many things depend on the current state of your marriage. If you are in a happy relationship, then having a friend for coffee or lunch works out. If you are having troubles at home, there is nothing worse than having that opposite sex friend who understands you be there for you and tell you how wonderful you are. It can very easily lead the best person astray. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/38 "2009-12-03T14:52:54Z")
If you can’t tell your S/O then it’s most likely cheating. Of course if you tell them it could also be cheating too. ---
**Author:** ![TheFaerie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c57346/32.png) [@TheFaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFaerie)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2009, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/39 "2009-12-04T19:42:36Z")
I would go with the first option if you we to assume “Intentionally meeting…” If the dinner/drinks/coffee date is on the up and up as friends and you can go home and tell your SO “I saw X today and we had lunch and got caught up.” No problem. If X is someone you know your SO would not want you to see or would be suspicious of, then it is cheating whether anything sexual happened or not. The reason you are lying is because it’s not the right thing to do and you know it. ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2009, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/40 "2009-12-04T22:12:20Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Agree with Dio. The way I see it, if it either fits your definition of cheating, or if you suspect that your SO would consider it cheating, it’s cheating. Almost. The second part is definitely correct, but I think that a definition on your own part is unecessary. You can feel, without referring to a definition, if a line is about to be crossed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583.md?page=3)