# What constitutes cheating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 1, 2009, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583 "2009-12-01T14:26:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2009, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/41 "2009-12-04T22:18:23Z")
I need more context for “meeting with a member of the opposite sex” and “online contact etc” Either one of these _could_ be cheating, or could be perfectly innocent. Hugging too, actually. I’m of the rule, “Would I tell my wife about this? And would she be upset?” If the answer to either of those questions is yes, it’s either cheating or might as well be. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2009, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/42 "2009-12-04T22:35:16Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Agree with Dio. The way I see it, if it either fits your definition of cheating, or if you suspect that your SO would consider it cheating, it’s cheating. What if your significant other gets her feelings hurt because you spend a few hours with (male) friends at a baseball game, or because you go on mandated business travel with a female coworker? Just because someone else might get their feelings hurt is not _ipso facto_ evidence of cheating by any reasonable definition; it may be that the person in question has a serious issues leakage or is otherwise being an unconscionable ballbuster. And what is with the left field condemnation from several people of the o.p. for asking a question? I tend to agree with **The Devil’s Grandmother** : if you can’t tell your s.o. what you’ve been doing and feel justified that you haven’t broken any sacred trust or prior agreement, then you are cheating on some level. However, if your s.o. doesn’t agree, but the disagreement is of an unreasonable nature, I wouldn’t classify it as “cheating” but a disagreement to expectations. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2009, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/43 "2009-12-04T23:45:16Z")
Wow, I never thought of cheating as just meeting someone for lunch. I just couldn’t imagine the following conversation: ex: I broke up with him! friend: why? e: he cheated on me! f: oh my god, that’s horrible! e: yeah, he had a burger with that bitch from accounting. f: huh? I don’t know, it just seems like a bit of an overreaction to me. People have crushes, even when they’re in relationships. It’s natural. So if you flirt a little with your crush, with no intentions whatsoever of actually doing anything sexual, that counts as cheating? That seems pretty damn strict. I’m a natural flirt, it’s just my way. I flirt with people all the time. Do I consider that cheating on my boyfriend? Of _course_ not. My boyfriend is cute and a total sweetheart. Consequently, women flirt with him all the time. Sometimes he flirts back. I’d hardly consider that cheating. Now, I _do_ believe in emotional cheating. In fact, I think it’s the worst kind. But emotional cheating is much more serious than simply flirting. It’s more in line with what **Hilarity** spoke of. Emotional cheating, however, requires that you emotionally “check out” of your relationship. Instead of being emotionally invested with your SO, you’re emotionally invested with the object of your desire. That is many, _many_ levels beyond flirting with an office crush or even grabbing lunch with said crush. I’m just somewhat alarmed at what some people on here consider cheating. By those standards, I can’t imagine many people _haven’t_ been cheated on during the course of their relationships. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/44 "2009-12-05T03:22:31Z")
All poll answers are wrong / irrelevant to the question. CHEATING is where you violate your promises. If you did not promise to not have sex with other people, doing so is not cheating. If you did, it is. If you promise never to set eyes upon any other member of the sex to which you are attracted, it is cheating to catch a glimpse of such a person while running from a burning building. (Hey, it might be a stupid promise, but if you made it, you made it. Personally I think promises of sexual exclusivity are stupid promises, so keep in mind that one person’s stupid promises are another person’s heartfelt sentiments and seriously undertaken commitments) ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/45 "2009-12-05T05:18:14Z")
“Promise,” my ass. It doesn’t have to have been stated explicitly to know the expectation is there. The issue is how it would make your SO feel, not how you can lawyer the word, “cheating.” ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/46 "2009-12-05T06:35:00Z")
Imho, I think it’s totally based on the personality of those involved. A person who intends to cheat would be cheating on all of the above, while someone else who is not intending to cheat could justify any of the choices. For example, I have no issue being naked, no matter who is watching. If I was fully clothed in an ethically compromised situation, I would be nervous and uncomfortable. I’ve had female friends show me their tattoos, but for women who may be getting the wrong idea, I avoid them no matter how much skin they are showing. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/47 "2009-12-05T06:46:31Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Wow, I never thought of cheating as just meeting someone for lunch. I just couldn’t imagine the following conversation: > > ex: I broke up with him! > friend: why? > e: he cheated on me! > f: oh my god, that’s horrible! > e: yeah, he had a burger with that bitch from accounting. > f: huh? That’s why I made the distinction in my post. I don’t think that is cheating at all, but it is a hell of a bad idea, especially if you are a man. You start having lunch with women at work and it is innocent, until trouble happens at home. Then that sympathetic ear at work seems extremely comforting. Maybe some of you have such perfect relationships that you wouldn’t DREAM of cheating, but the temptation is there for most guys. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Mood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@Blue\_Mood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Mood)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/48 "2009-12-05T12:27:22Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > All poll answers are wrong / irrelevant to the question. CHEATING is where you violate your promises. If you did not promise to not have sex with other people, doing so is not cheating. If you did, it is. This is my answer, but with a slight proviso - the issue should have been addressed in some form. This doesn’t have to be “honey - feel free to sleep with whoever you want.” It could be more like “I wouldn’t want you to have an affair, but it’s not a dealbreaker.” Cheating is really context-sensitive and has to be looked at in the context of the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/49 "2009-12-05T14:50:00Z")
> [@Blue\_Mood](#): > > This is my answer, but with a slight proviso - the issue should have been addressed in some form. This doesn’t have to be “honey - feel free to sleep with whoever you want.” It could be more like “I wouldn’t want you to have an affair, but it’s not a dealbreaker.” Cheating is really context-sensitive and has to be looked at in the context of the relationship. I see this is kinda wishy-washy. On a statistical basis, just how many people would consider sticking Tab-A in someone else’s Tab-B alright? Yeah, yeah, there are all kinds of people, and all kinds of relationships, but that sounds like keeping you mind so open your brain falls out. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/50 "2009-12-05T15:20:24Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > I see this is kinda wishy-washy. On a statistical basis, just how many people would consider sticking Tab-A in someone else’s Tab-B alright? Nitpick: tabs go in slots, not other tabs. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/51 "2009-12-05T15:35:28Z")
Dija SEE my name? dija SEE the time I posted? I blame a caffeine deficiency. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/52 "2009-12-05T15:54:12Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > That’s why I made the distinction in my post. I don’t think that is cheating at all, but it is a hell of a bad idea, especially if you are a man. > > You start having lunch with women at work and it is innocent, until trouble happens at home. Then that sympathetic ear at work seems extremely comforting. > > Maybe some of you have such perfect relationships that you wouldn’t DREAM of cheating, but the temptation is there for most guys. I agree to a certain extent. I believe a lot of it has to do with the intent behind it. You can have an innocent lunch with someone you have a crush on, without having any intent to cheat ever. Just because you’re attracted to the person does not, in itself, make it cheating. Even if your SO would be hurt if they found out. Sometimes people get their feelings hurt in relationships. That doesn’t mean they were _cheated_ on. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/53 "2009-12-05T21:09:26Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > “Promise,” my ass. It doesn’t have to have been stated explicitly to know the expectation is there. The issue is how it would make your SO feel, not how you can lawyer the word, “cheating.” I will readily grant that if one has not had The Discussion, default assumptions may apply. I will concede that if one has not stated otherwise, one’s partner may indeed make default assumptions and that they are the ones you refer to. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/54 "2009-12-06T11:01:08Z")
Am I the only person who just went with percent likelihood? It seems silly to argue the premise of a poll. Either you are going to participate, or you aren’t. Anyways, I voted for all besides the first two and the last one. The rest just seem more likely to be cheating than not. Meeting people, whether online or in person is just going to happen. Heck, I’m talking to a few women online right now, am I not? I don’t expect to have to have my SO vet every single one of you. The rest could all be problematic, but it seems that an extra long hug is the least likely. My hugging is often for the purpose of comforting the other person, and, if they are particularly in need of comfort, it’s probably gonna take a little longer. (I once had a girl hug me for like thirty minutes when her teacher died. I knew the guy and was too sad to stop her, but there was nothing sexual or romantic going on at all.) The rest just seem like they’d either more likely be because I was cheating, or lead to cheating. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/55 "2009-12-06T12:59:28Z")
Well With **Nashiitashii** and I, the big rule is _It’s all about consent_. We have a fairly open marriage and the little rules are pretty clear. 1. Looks are free, touching isn’t. 2. When we play, we play together or with the consent of the other. 3. Playmates are NOT soulmates. They can be good friends, often important ones, but never in a romantic context. That is reserved for us alone. If a playmate can’t understand this, they are no longer an option. Cheating for us is more about seeking out someone to share emotional intimacy with that a purely physical act. It is about being distrustful and extremely disrespectful of the relationship that we have worked so hard to build. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2009, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583/56 "2009-12-08T14:50:57Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Well With **Nashiitashii** and I, the big rule is _It’s all about consent_. We have a fairly open marriage and the little rules are pretty clear. > > 1. Looks are free, touching isn’t. > 2. When we play, we play together or with the consent of the other. > 3. Playmates are NOT soulmates. They can be good friends, often important ones, but never in a romantic context. That is reserved for us alone. If a playmate can’t understand this, they are no longer an option. > > Cheating for us is more about seeking out someone to share emotional intimacy with that a purely physical act. It is about being distrustful and extremely disrespectful of the relationship that we have worked so hard to build. This is similar to the way my bf and I operate as well. Thanks for putting it so concisely. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-constitutes-cheating/519583.md?page=2)