# What did I get myself into ? (online dating related) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 6, 2005, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628 "2005-02-06T06:48:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/1 "2005-02-06T06:48:55Z")
I’m exchanging e-mail with a woman I met through eHarmony and we seem to get along really well. But I don’t think I’ve been handling it well… She’s divorced with two children. I knew that from the start and it didn’t bother me too much until I read the “would you date a single parent?” thread in IMHO. Still, I don’t think it’s a huge concern, I don’t have any hangups about children. She’s about 100 miles away. That’s far enough that I can’t just meet any day, but it’s not too bad. I happened to already have a pair of tickets for a concert in my town, but had nobody specific in mind to go with. So I decide to ask her if she wants to join me. She said she’s supposed to work that day but she’ll try to change her schedule. Hmm, that’s a bit more work than I feel comfortable making her do, but if she decides I’m not worth it, I’m pretty sure the concert would be worth the trip so I wouldn’t feel too guilty. But the concert is almost 3 wks away. It’s going to be awkward in the meantime… And then there’s Valentine’s Day day. What would be an appropriate thing to do at this stage? Nothing? Just a phone call? I shouldn’t get emotionally involved at this stage, and I’m not. But I haven’t had even a blind date in, um, longer than I care to admit. It does make me nervous. Oh well, no specific questions or request for advice. Just wanted to get it off my chest. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/2 "2005-02-06T07:05:49Z")
Well, good luck. And, uh, yes. Do _something_ about Valentines day. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/3 "2005-02-06T07:37:56Z")
e-card? A dozen flowers that are NOT roses? (or pink roses, not red) The idea is to do something but not… too much. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/4 "2005-02-06T08:04:56Z")
> [@](#): > > The idea is to do something but not… too much. I just don’t have a good feel for what would be “too much”. I’ve always thought e-cards were a bit cheap though. Simple flowers or chocolate, I suppose. Hmm, is there a polite way to ask if she’s watching her weight? Flowers seem safer… By the way I didn’t mean I don’t want advice. Whatever you want to tell me, go ahead. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/5 "2005-02-06T08:17:21Z")
I would say a phone call isn’t out of the question. Non-rose flowers are good too. Carnations? Tulips? Two of my favorites, so I’m biased. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/6 "2005-02-06T11:16:58Z")
Is there a way you could find out if she even considers Val’s day worth acknowledging? Personally, I ignore it, and I’d be creeped out if someone I barely know sent me something to mark that day. Of course, I could be the only woman in the country who feels this way. ---
**Author:** ![sweetfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@sweetfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetfreak)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/7 "2005-02-06T11:33:42Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > Is there a way you could find out if she even considers Val’s day worth acknowledging? Personally, I ignore it, and I’d be creeped out if someone I barely know sent me something to mark that day. > > Of course, I could be the only woman in the country who feels this way. Not at all. I ignore all holidays. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/8 "2005-02-06T13:24:25Z")
I always feel extra warm and fuzzy towards guys who acknowledge Valentine’s Day, although the years I don’t have a Valentine I decry it as a Hallmark Holiday or an archaic patriarchal holdover, depending on the extent of my foul mood. If you don’t know how she feels, err on the side of romantic. Maybe a more juvenile “Would You Be My Valentine?” type card, rather than a mushy “You Complete Me,” which would be inappropriate right now. And really, Valentine’s Day or not, is chocolate EVER a bad gift? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/9 "2005-02-06T13:52:08Z")
A valentines gift for a woman you’ve never met? I’m with **FairyChatMom** on this – that would creep me out. Seriously. As would flowers and candy. Since you haven’t met her yet, she ain’t your valentine. I’d go for an e-card, or a regular card if you have a snail mail address for her. **WhyNot** ’s suggestion is good – go for playful, rather than serious. And go ahead and say something direct and specific – “it’s a little awkward knowing what to do about Valentine’s Day this early in our friendship – but I wanted you to know I’m thinking about you and looking forward to meeting you soon.” ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/10 "2005-02-06T14:12:23Z")
Gotta go with **twickster** and **FairyChatMom**. You’ve never met her and you’re not emotionally involved, sending a gift like flowers or chocolate isn’t really that appropriate. A jokey Valentine’s Day card sent snail mail (if you have her address) or a jokey e-card if you don’t is pretty much the limit of what you want to be sending. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/11 "2005-02-06T14:18:45Z")
> [@Neurotik](#): > > Gotta go with **twickster** and **FairyChatMom**. You’ve never met her and you’re not emotionally involved, sending a gift like flowers or chocolate isn’t really that appropriate. Another ditto from me. Do NOT send flowers or chocolate. That would be entirely inappropriate at this stage. ---
**Author:** ![Rock\_n\_Roach](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Rock\_n\_Roach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rock_n_Roach)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/12 "2005-02-06T14:59:42Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > Is there a way you could find out if she even considers Val’s day worth acknowledging? Personally, I ignore it, and I’d be creeped out if someone I barely know sent me something to mark that day. > > Of course, I could be the only woman in the country who feels this way. You are not alone! I say let the day pass by. From what you’ve said it doesn’t seem that your relationship has progressed to the point of acknowledging this day yet. But the phone call doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/13 "2005-02-06T15:40:45Z")
What twickster said. A Valentines Day card or gift to someone you really don’t have any kind of relationship with comes off as pushy and creepy, not sweet. At this stage of the relationship, I’d really try to _avoid_ doing anything on Valentines Day just so there’s no misunderstanding. I learned this the hard way. About 6 years ago there was this friendly single, unattached mother who worked in our office, who had had a string of misfortunes in her relationships with men. I wasn’t attracted to her, but she was a very nice person and I thought it might be an emotional pick me up for her to get a small bouquet of flowers on Valentines Day from a “secret admirer”. Well, first she was kind of surprised and curious, but after eliminating the usual suspects in her life, started worrying about some client that might have turned stalker, then she called the florist trying to see if they had gotten a glimpse of the mystery man, and it seemed as if she was about to call Batman in on the case. At this point she was kind of wound up, so I just kept my head low. I learned my lesson. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/14 "2005-02-06T18:53:50Z")
> [@Neurotik](#): > > A jokey Valentine’s Day card sent snail mail (if you have her address) or a jokey e-card if you don’t is pretty much the limit of what you want to be sending. Thanks, that’s what I was originally leaning towards. I don’t have her snail mail address and not sure it’s appropriate to ask at this point anyway. E-card and phone call it is. I’m not obsessed. I just want to feel I gave it a fair chance. ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/15 "2005-02-06T19:33:36Z")
> [@scr4](#): > > Thanks, that’s what I was originally leaning towards. I don’t have her snail mail address and not sure it’s appropriate to ask at this point anyway. E-card and phone call it is. Maybe just an e-card and let her call you? That’s probably what I would do…but then I’m pretty much a minimalist on these things even if I’m in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/16 "2005-02-06T19:51:48Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > I’d go for an e-card, or a regular card if you have a snail mail address for her. **WhyNot** ’s suggestion is good – go for playful, rather than serious. And go ahead and say something direct and specific – “it’s a little awkward knowing what to do about Valentine’s Day this early in our friendship – but I wanted you to know I’m thinking about you and looking forward to meeting you soon.” I really like that. I like when people acknowledge that things might be tricky or awkward. It shows that they are thinking (or at least thinking enough to take great advice from Dopers!) ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2005, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/17 "2005-02-06T23:49:30Z")
Oh, I didn’t read carefully enough and didn’t realize that you hadn’t met her yet. I revise my advice. Send her an e-card _at the most_. I just got a Valentine’s e-card from the guy I’ve been e-mailing for the past couple of weeks. It was cute and not at all serious. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2005, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/18 "2005-02-07T06:00:14Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I really like that. I like when people acknowledge that things might be tricky or awkward. Makes sense to me, thanks for the tip. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys. (I know, I’m pathetic… But I’ve got to start somewhere.) ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2005, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/19 "2005-02-07T23:00:12Z")
> [@astro](#): > > What twickster said. A Valentines Day card or gift to someone you really don’t have any kind of relationship with comes off as pushy and creepy, not sweet. > > At this stage of the relationship, I’d really try to _avoid_ doing anything on Valentines Day just so there’s no misunderstanding. > > I learned this the hard way. About 6 years ago there was this friendly single, unattached mother who worked in our office, who had had a string of misfortunes in her relationships with men. I wasn’t attracted to her, but she was a very nice person and I thought it might be an emotional pick me up for her to get a small bouquet of flowers on Valentines Day from a “secret admirer”. > > Well, first she was kind of surprised and curious, but after eliminating the usual suspects in her life, started worrying about some client that might have turned stalker, then she called the florist trying to see if they had gotten a glimpse of the mystery man, and it seemed as if she was about to call Batman in on the case. At this point she was kind of wound up, so I just kept my head low. I learned my lesson. Let me get this straight. You knew this woman was all wound up about the flowers you sent, yet you didn’t say anything? Not very cool. The adult thing to do is to walk up to her and say, “Mary, I know you’re getting all worked up about this. You seemed like you could use a pick-me-up, so Bob from Accounting sent you a bouquet.” ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2005, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628/20 "2005-02-07T23:35:40Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > …so Bob from Accounting sent you a bouquet." I don’t know, she might actually talk to Bob, and then the gig’s up, and she’ll suspect you. Much better to send another boquet and say “I’m not a stalker, honest, it was just a pity boquet. Don’t get your knickers in a twist!” That’ll fix everything right up. I’m with the mob here; a humourous e-card would about do it. You don’t want to make some grand gesture to someone you don’t know if you even like yet. But in general, ignoring V-day is a bad idea. It’s a holiday expressly designed to sell greeting cards, but it’s also a great excuse to show off your romancing skills…if you’re already in some sort of relationship. And since no one else answered; No, there is **no** good way to ask if a woman is watching her weight. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-did-i-get-myself-into-online-dating-related/288628.md?page=2)