# What do couples that can't afford daycare end up doing **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 8, 2019, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656 "2019-05-08T04:04:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/101 "2019-05-13T03:15:35Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > If you can’t find subsidized day care. . . > > 1. leave the baby with grandma/sister/other relative. Of course many people prefer this to day care, anyway. > > 2. work out some sort of arrangement with neighbors. This works better if everyone only works part-time, but maybe you’ll find a neighbor who really needs a break from her kids on weekends. > > 3. find a stay at home mom who’s willing to babysit your kid for less money than a daycare center, and don’t ask questions. > > 4. take the kid to work with you. Maybe a very understanding boss will let you do it more often than just “my babysitter got sick.” > > 5. quit, because it just isn’t worth the hassle. I would add to this - take a “Guilt and Make It Up Trip”. What I mean is working parents who work long hours and leave the kids in others care for most of the year, try to “make it up” to them by taking this big expensive Disney vacation for a week or so every summer where they try and reconnect and makeup for all the ball games and events and such they miss with there kids all year. It happens. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/102 "2019-05-13T04:53:20Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > She was married and her husband also worked. > > Now what frustrated us was she was constantly taking days off to stay at home with her kids. Days in which we all had to do her share. That can get very frustrating after awhile. Perfect example of how society still places the expectations of the mothers. The husband didn’t take days off. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/103 "2019-05-13T13:40:37Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I would add to this - take a “Guilt and Make It Up Trip”. > > What I mean is working parents who work long hours and leave the kids in others care for most of the year, try to “make it up” to them by taking this big expensive Disney vacation for a week or so every summer where they try and reconnect and makeup for all the ball games and events and such they miss with there kids all year. > > It happens. There are also parents who feel guilty about not being able to afford fancy vacations or to give their kids many opportunities, and so get snarky and find ways to characterize the nice things other people have as a negative experience or as a symptom of poor parenting. It’s equally silly, but it happens. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/104 "2019-05-13T14:28:02Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > What I mean is working parents who work long hours and leave the kids in others care for most of the year, try to “make it up” to them by taking this big expensive Disney vacation for a week or so every summer where they try and reconnect and makeup for all the ball games and events and such they miss with there kids all year. Sounds like a stereotypically middle class vacation to me. In fact, it sounds exactly like the kind of vacation that my BIL and SIL would take with their four kids. He works and she is a SAHM. Funny that. Never would’ve thought it’s a thing to judge working parents for taking fun family vacations. Intuitively, you’d think they’d be judge if they _didn’t_ do that. It would be treated as just one more sign that they don’t care about their kids or want to spend time with them. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/105 "2019-05-13T14:52:32Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > What I mean is working parents who work long hours There’s one of the problems, right there: there used to be a 40-hour week. We need to get back to that. Employers shouldn’t more than occasionally need more than 40 hours from their employees, workers shouldn’t need to work more than 40 hours to get by, and the government should overreach 😉 and make both of these things happen again. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/106 "2019-05-13T15:07:32Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I would add to this - take a “Guilt and Make It Up Trip”. > > What I mean is working parents who work long hours and leave the kids in others care for most of the year, try to “make it up” to them by taking this big expensive Disney vacation for a week or so every summer where they try and reconnect and makeup for all the ball games and events and such they miss with there kids all year. > > It happens. Funny - grandma took care of my kids while my husband and I worked 35-40 hours per week, we made it to nearly all of the ball games and track meets and class trips grade school assemblies - and we still took at least one ( usually two ) week-long vacations every year. Lots of people take weeklong vacations that you would consider expensive - and it’s not typically because they feel guilty about working. It’s usually because they enjoy it and they can afford it. Do you seriously believe that families with a SAHP who want and can afford an expensive vacation pass it up simply because they made it to all the ball games? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/107 "2019-05-13T15:17:10Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > There’s one of the problems, right there: there used to be a 40-hour week. We need to get back to that. > > Employers shouldn’t more than occasionally need more than 40 hours from their employees, workers shouldn’t need to work more than 40 hours to get by, and the government should overreach 😉 and make both of these things happen again. It’a all about priorities. I could have made much more money over my career, but purposefully took jobs where I could control, to a large extent, my hours (and relocation). It is more valuable to me to attend ballgames. plays, birthday parties, etc. than to put in more hours and pursue more money. Not saying all parents who have to work long hours have a clear cut choice, but it is always a balance of priorities. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/108 "2019-05-13T15:45:07Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > It’a all about priorities. I could have made much more money over my career, but purposefully took jobs where I could control, to a large extent, my hours (and relocation). It is more valuable to me to attend ballgames. plays, birthday parties, etc. than to put in more hours and pursue more money. Not saying all parents who have to work long hours have a clear cut choice, but it is always a balance of priorities. It’s also true that a lot of what those parents want the money FOR is to provide their kids with opportunities: ballgames, plays, birthday parties, etc., all cost a lot of money, so finding the balance is calculus, not arithmetic: I suspect there are a lot of parents who could quit their job and stay home, but it wouldn’t just mean cutting out Disneyworld, it would mean “no, you can’t play sports/be a cheerleader/take dance lessons/fully participate in the world of your peers”, because we can’t afford it." So where is that pivot point? I don’t think money is everything, but it’s big deal to me that we can afford swim lessons and chess lessons and, yes, travel–not to Disney, but to museums and natural wonders. My parents worked a ton. And there were times I resented that they didn’t have more time with us. But I can’t deny that it was good for me that 1) I had a car, and therefore the ability to work/have a life in high school 2) I had college paid for, even when it took an extra year 3) even now, their relative affluence often benefits me and my son and 4) (this is a biggee) I know they have enough money to weather their declining years–they will be able to afford to pay for help, for services, for things that let them live independently longer and die more comfortably. I won’t have to do the cleaning and the cooking and the household management for my declining parents, as I have seen so many do. Time with kids isn’t absolutely better than the things money could have bought. ---
**Author:** ![typoink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@typoink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/typoink)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/109 "2019-05-13T18:21:24Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > I’m sorry, but you are paying $1000 a week for daycare? I just did a quick search for Chicago daycare, and there are numerous places for around $250 a week. Am I missing something? My math may be a little off, but it’s something like $800-900 a week for two kids. Nowhere we looked at was actually as cheap as $250/wk/kid (other than a somewhat sketchy seeming in-home daycare), but there were some in the $300-350 range. There were also several that were quite a bit more. Our daughter was in a much cheaper center for her first year of daycare, but it was a somewhat mixed experience. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/110 "2019-05-13T19:30:08Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Perfect example of how society still places the expectations of the mothers. The husband didn’t take days off. Well thats a good point, many asked why her husband didnt take time off but she did. I never knew her family dynamics or the answer to that one. Needless to say it was back when I was teaching and she was gone for a day or two almost every week. But then I worked another job where it was the father who always seemed to be taking time off. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2019, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/111 "2019-05-13T19:31:39Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > It’s also true that a lot of what those parents want the money FOR is to provide their kids with opportunities: ballgames, plays, birthday parties, etc., all cost a lot of money, so finding the balance is calculus, not arithmetic: I suspect there are a lot of parents who could quit their job and stay home, but it wouldn’t just mean cutting out Disneyworld, it would mean “no, you can’t play sports/be a cheerleader/take dance lessons/fully participate in the world of your peers”, because we can’t afford it." So where is that pivot point? I don’t think money is everything, but it’s big deal to me that we can afford swim lessons and chess lessons and, yes, travel–not to Disney, but to museums and natural wonders. > > My parents worked a ton. And there were times I resented that they didn’t have more time with us. But I can’t deny that it was good for me that 1) I had a car, and therefore the ability to work/have a life in high school 2) I had college paid for, even when it took an extra year 3) even now, their relative affluence often benefits me and my son and 4) (this is a biggee) I know they have enough money to weather their declining years–they will be able to afford to pay for help, for services, for things that let them live independently longer and die more comfortably. I won’t have to do the cleaning and the cooking and the household management for my declining parents, as I have seen so many do. > > Time with kids isn’t absolutely better than the things money could have bought. That was an excellent post. Kids might not see it when they are young but there are long term benefits for hard work. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/112 "2019-05-14T20:22:36Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Perfect example of how society still places the expectations of the mothers. The husband didn’t take days off. How do we know he didn’t? Maybe she had lots of vacation accrued and this was what she needed to do to use it up? Over the years, I’ve certainly seen men take time off to care for sick children, and even their wives if she was too sick to look after the kids, or took them to a babysitter. I worked at the big hospital with a woman who believed that a man doing this should be a firing offense, “because that’s not a man’s job.” 😕 Not only was she a mother of 3 (and now a grandmother of about 10), but she was raised by a single father at a time when that kind of thing was almost unheard-of, after her mother ran off when she and her sister were toddlers. Even so, she felt that was a woman’s job, even if that woman was a neighbor, aunt, grandmother, etc. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656/113 "2019-05-14T20:23:39Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I would add to this - take a “Guilt and Make It Up Trip”. > > What I mean is working parents who work long hours and leave the kids in others care for most of the year, try to “make it up” to them by taking this big expensive Disney vacation for a week or so every summer where they try and reconnect and makeup for all the ball games and events and such they miss with there kids all year. > > It happens. …oftentimes, a vacation they worked overtime or multiple jobs all year to pay for… Not my business, I know. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-couples-that-cant-afford-daycare-end-up-doing/833656.md?page=5)