# What do I do if attacked by pirates? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [January 3, 2001, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230 "2001-01-03T14:12:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/21 "2001-01-03T20:19:22Z")
Now hiring: High Seas adventureres. Must have 5+ years experience in the following: plunder, looting, pillaging, rapine. Swordplay knowledge preferred, but not essential. Call evenings, **1-800-R-MATEY** ---
**Author:** ![Blackclaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e68b1a/32.png) [@Blackclaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackclaw)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/22 "2001-01-03T20:22:38Z")
ElvisL1ves, If they steal your ship, they’re probably not going to take you with them which could interfere with your plans on staying alive. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/23 "2001-01-03T21:00:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blackclaw \* > \*\*If they steal your ship, they’re probably not going to take you with them which could interfere with your plans on staying alive. \*\* Yeah, I know, but your chances are better if you don’t resist. If you actually help the pirates, they might even let you have a lifeboat. Unfortunately, if they can’t allow living witnesses, it doesn’t really matter what you do. ---
**Author:** ![penael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ea5d25/32.png) [@penael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/penael)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/24 "2001-01-03T21:04:40Z")
I have never heard of such a thing in all my life!!! I thought those people only copied pornos over childrens cartoons for resale! Who knew they could be so ruthless?!? ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/25 "2001-01-03T21:24:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by blessedwolf \* > \*\*Now hiring: > > High Seas adventureres. Must have 5+ years experience in the following: plunder, looting, pillaging, rapine. Swordplay knowledge preferred, but not essential. Call evenings, **1-800-R-MATEY** \*\* These are those mean pirates that rape the fields and pillage the women. ---
**Author:** ![Monocracy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monocracy/32/4493_2.png) [@Monocracy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monocracy)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/26 "2001-01-03T23:58:37Z")
A pirate walks into a bar … _Pirate_: YARRRR, matey! Gimme a brew! _Bartender_: OK, but first you have to tell me why you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch. _Pirate_: AHRRR, it be driving me nuts! ---
**Author:** ![Hokienautic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/73ab20/32.png) [@Hokienautic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokienautic)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/27 "2001-01-04T00:15:06Z")
It must be said: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash would be a GREAT name for a punk rock band! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Narile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Narile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Narile)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/28 "2001-01-04T00:35:51Z")
I remember my brother telling me one time that one of his duties when on cruise in the pacific off of South East Asia was to be ready to run anti-pirate sorties. I seem to remember him actually being involved in a couple of pirate SOS’s, doing flybys to locate, but am not certain, I’ll have to ask him about it. ---
**Author:** ![Skwerl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Skwerl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skwerl)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/29 "2001-01-04T03:26:50Z")
Didja hear about that new pirate movie coming out? It’s rated AHRRRR. ---
**Author:** ![aseymayo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/30 "2001-01-04T03:45:42Z")
I thought you were supposed to claim you’re an orphan and sing! _He is the Pirate King! (Tra-la Tra-la)_ ---
**Author:** ![Osip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/31 "2001-01-04T04:07:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hokienautic \* > \*\*It must be said: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash would be a GREAT name for a punk rock band! 😉 \*\* SOunds much like a Pouges albumn actually. Now There is a Punk Bad! Hell, if they are going to sodomize you anyway Just sing that famous song (cant remember the singer) [sing] I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance, I want to be a pirate in a pirate song and dance. With e silver buckled slippers and my tight shiney pants! I want to sing and dance! [/sing] Osip ---
**Author:** ![jb\_farley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9d8465/32.png) [@jb\_farley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jb_farley)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/32 "2001-01-04T07:46:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diceman \* > \*\*Better yet, stick with the cruise ship tours, since having 1000 witnesses nearby tends to deter most criminal activity. \*\* I dunno… Getting run through by a grog-filled pirate’s scurvy sword, or listen to Cathy Lee sing that “If my friends could see me now” song. Still thinking, jb ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/33 "2001-01-04T12:06:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jb\_farley \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Diceman \* > > \*\*Better yet, stick with the cruise ship tours, since having 1000 witnesses nearby tends to deter most criminal activity. \*\* > > I dunno… > > Getting run through by a grog-filled pirate’s scurvy sword, or listen to Cathy Lee sing that “If my friends could see me now” song. > > Still thinking, > > jb \*\* could it be possible to have the pirate “take care” of Cathy Lee. I mean, if it happens at sea, its legal…right? ---
**Author:** ![Atrael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Atrael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atrael)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/34 "2001-01-04T15:45:58Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Osip \* \*\* > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hokienautic \* > \*\*Hell, if they are going to sodomize you anyway Just sing that famous song (cant remember the singer) > [sing] I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance, I want to be a pirate in a pirate song and dance. With e silver buckled slippers and my tight shiney pants! I want to sing and dance! [/sing] > Osip \*\* The Pirate Song, by Ray Stevens ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/35 "2001-01-04T18:08:56Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Atrael \* \*\* > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Osip \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Hokienautic \* > > \*\*Hell, if they are going to sodomize you anyway Just sing that famous song (cant remember the singer) > > [sing] I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance, I want to be a pirate in a pirate song and dance. With e silver buckled slippers and my tight shiney pants! I want to sing and dance! [/sing] > > Osip \*\* > > The Pirate Song, by Ray Stevens \*\* Don’t look Ethel… It was too late, she had been hooked. By a pirate, ARRRRRGHHHH!!! ---
**Author:** ![retsin2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c6cbf5/32.png) [@retsin2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/retsin2000)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/36 "2001-01-04T18:31:32Z")
What should you do if attacked by pirates? [old joke] Well there once was an experienced Spanish navy captain who was bringing gold back from the new world. He had been assigned a new ship with a green crew for this particular voyage. The first day at sea a pirate ship appeared on the horizon. The captain quickly told his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt.” The first mate was confused but obeyed. The captain changed into the red shirt and the crew successfully fought off the attack. A day or two later 3 pirate ships appeared. Again the captain told the first mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”, this time with a little more urgency. The first mate did as ordered and again the crew successfully fought off the pirates. That night the first mate’s curiosity was too much to contain. He asked the captain what the deal was with the shirt. The captain explained that since the crew was green he wore his red shirt into battle in case he were wounded. That way the blood wouldn’t show and the crews wouldn’t panic at the sight of their leader’s injury. The first mate’s respect for his new captain grew. A few days latter ten fully armed pirate ships appeared. The captain turned to the first mate and exclaimed, “Bring me my brown pants!.” [/old joke] ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/37 "2001-01-04T18:42:50Z")
Bring me my yellow boxers, please. I enjoyed that joke. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/38 "2001-01-04T19:12:25Z")
[snipped old joke] . . . . . …Yarrrrr 'twas the day after I got me 'ook! ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/39 "2001-01-04T21:29:14Z")
I guess while wer’re on the subject, how did pirates come to use hooks in place of their missing hands. Why not a sword or dagger? ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/40 "2001-01-04T21:33:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by KV \* > \*\*I guess while wer’re on the subject, how did pirates come to use hooks in place of their missing hands. Why not a sword or dagger? \*\* please frogive my horrid spelepelling. I am a produkt uv floriduh educashun. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230.md?page=3)