# What do I do if attacked by pirates? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [January 3, 2001, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230 "2001-01-03T14:12:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/41 "2001-01-04T21:34:20Z")
It’s easier to play the harpsichord with a hook than with a sword or a dagger. See Disney’s _Peter Pan,_ the Tinkerbell seduction scene. ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/42 "2001-01-04T21:43:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ukulele Ike \* > \*\*It’s easier to play the harpsichord with a hook than with a sword or a dagger. See Disney’s _Peter Pan,_ the Tinkerbell seduction scene. \*\* I’d like to tinker with her bells allright ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/43 "2001-01-04T22:15:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Feynn \* > \*\*"Although he’ll probably kill you in the morning… " > > …in the most painful manner imaginable. \*\* …but what about the Rodents Of Unusual Size? ---
**Author:** ![ElusiveMiser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c37758/32.png) [@ElusiveMiser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElusiveMiser)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/44 "2001-01-04T22:43:21Z")
On the topic of pirates: I always thought that a scurvy crew sounded so cool, until I found out that scurvy is some horrible infirmity in your mouth, or something. Suddenly, the idea of being the captain of a “scurvy crew” didn’t sound so great any more. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/45 "2001-01-05T00:28:43Z")
We prefer to be called privateers. I suggest running and shooting back. IIRC any ship not flying a flag in international waters can be concidered a pirate and the naval (including USCG) forces from any country can board that ship. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/46 "2001-01-05T00:39:21Z")
Don’t pirates make people walk the plank anymore? What about the good, old fashioned keel hauling? The classics never go out of style… ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/47 "2001-01-05T01:25:24Z")
I say, rig your boat with a good old fashioned self-destruct mechanism. A few pounds of C4 near the fuel tanks would serve nicely. See the Russian mafia about getting C4. Pick me up some weapons-grade plutonium while you’re over there. At night, the ice weasels come. ::Nuked ice weasel…goodie! :):: Of course, that is a last resort. If you can, take courses in heavy weapons. Become a Moslem and travel to Pakistan. Their unpleasantness with India has produced some rather good religious training camps for warriors, especially those using the Russain gear I told you to get above. As mentioned above, RPGs are a safe bet, but a few Kalashnakovs (AK-47s are the most common type of these) would make those pirates think twice about coming over. Of course, the pirates are likely to be armed as well, making solid steel and reactive armor a good buy. I think you can buy a few T-90s from the aforementioned Russian arms dealers and remove the armor and guns (you can never have too many guns). If you want to go all-out on weapons, buy some antitank missiles (like TOWs, but the Russian variants would probably be cheaper) and just blow the sons of bitches out of the water. I think some send back camera footage, a plus. You just can’t beat gun camera footage for late-night movie sessions. I could go on, but my perimeter alarms are going off. The ice weasels are early, but I have flamethrowers. Good ones, too, factory new from the sweatshops supplying the Taliban militias. (For all of you that cannot take a (overlong) joke: :p) ---
**Author:** ![Dandmb50](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ba9def/32.png) [@Dandmb50](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dandmb50)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/48 "2001-01-05T05:22:19Z")
I think I’ll cancel any plans on sailing around the world. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7feea3/32.png) [@The\_Ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ryan)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/49 "2001-01-05T11:40:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by carnivorousplant \* > …but what about the Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they really exist. ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/50 "2001-01-05T12:04:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Ryan \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by carnivorousplant \* > > …but what about the Rodents Of Unusual Size? > > I don’t think they really exist. \*\* That’s one of my biggest concerns, that the pirates will have rabies infected mega-rodents. The kind you have to shoot twice. Once to kill them, a second time, just cuz they so ugly. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/51 "2001-01-05T14:10:07Z")
Considering they finished 4 games ahead of the lowly_Cubs_ , I’d say let them take their best shot at you. Chances are good they’ll miss. ---
**Author:** ![tclouie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tclouie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tclouie)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/52 "2001-01-05T14:32:40Z")
They say the contestants on “Survivor” had armed guards at night to protect them from pirates. Bet the guards didn’t have to eat rat. Historical night: joining a pirate crew was a much better deal for a young English boy than joining the Royal Navy. Looser discipline, on-board democracy, lotsa shore leave and a share of the spoils. Of course, the average lifespan was about five years… Of the Western pirate captains, I think only Henry Avery lived to old age, and a penniless old age at that. Henry Morgan, Governor of Jamaica, doesn’t count…he was just privateering for King and Country. Announcing a new crusade! Captain Kidd was innocent! Write to the New York State legislature! Tell 'em to demand a posthumous pardon from the British Admiralty! No justice no peace! ---
**Author:** ![tclouie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tclouie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tclouie)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/53 "2001-01-05T14:34:12Z")
Historical NOTE, I meant. Arrrrrh. ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/54 "2001-01-05T15:21:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tclouie \* > \*\*Historical NOTE, I meant. Arrrrrh. > \*\* What is the origin of pirates saying " Arrrrrrhh"? Why not " Heeeeeeey "? A bunch of Fonzies… now that’s spooky. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/55 "2001-01-05T16:45:04Z")
Where are you going that you are worried about pirates? Been listening to Gilbert and Sullivan? ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/56 "2001-01-05T17:30:10Z")
I’m sure that arrr or arrgh or a variation was either invented by Robert Louis Stevenson, or, barring that, Hollywood. Try [the pirate discussion board](http://www.piratesinfo.com/fact/facts/conduct.htm) ---
**Author:** ![jb\_farley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9d8465/32.png) [@jb\_farley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jb_farley)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/57 "2001-01-05T18:58:29Z")
what about yo? “Yo! shiver me timbers!” jnb ---
**Author:** ![KV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8baadc/32.png) [@KV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KV)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/58 "2001-01-05T20:35:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jb\_farley \* > \*\*what about yo? > > “Yo! shiver me timbers!” > jnb \*\* I know the pirates are hip with the times, maybe now its, " Yooooooo, whassssup!!!" ---
**Author:** ![jb\_farley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9d8465/32.png) [@jb\_farley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jb_farley)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2001, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/59 "2001-01-05T22:01:50Z")
A modern-day, hip pirate? Weird. “Arrrgh, it’s a business lunch.” “Could ye get me some grog, or iffen ye be out of grog, a white zinfandel?” “Now don’t ye be calling me, I’ll call you.” _honk_ _hooonnnnnkk_ “By Davy Jones’ Locker, ye don’t go fifty-five in the passing lane, ye scurvy bastard!” _hoonnkk__fires cannon from port side of his SUV_ p.s.- you have to read em all in a harsh /pie’-rat/ voice, or they don’ work ---
**Author:** ![Iolanthe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7bcc69/32.png) [@Iolanthe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iolanthe)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2001, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230/60 "2001-01-06T05:42:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ElusiveMiser \* > \*\*On the topic of pirates: I always thought that a scurvy crew sounded so cool, until I found out that scurvy is some horrible infirmity in your mouth, or something. Suddenly, the idea of being the captain of a “scurvy crew” didn’t sound so great any more. \*\* My compliments to everyone; I’ve been giggling like a madwoman throughout this whole thread. Anyway, Scurvy is Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid) deficiency. It has many symptoms, including decaying gums and loss of teeth. Hemorrhaging too. A good cross-reference is the Cecil column “Can Man Live by Bread Alone?” Don’t have a link at the moment (sorry.) Not a fun disease - eat your lemons, matey. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-i-do-if-attacked-by-pirates/48230.md?page=4)