# What do straight men \*really\* think of women who make the first move? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210 "2005-04-14T00:11:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tabby\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tabby\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabby_Cat)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/41 "2005-04-14T10:08:39Z")
[Sometimes, you just need a little extra effort to get attention](http://www.machall.com/index.php?strip_id=169) ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/42 "2005-04-14T11:00:01Z")
Delighted. It really takes very little to please us. In 1985 I joined a bikers’ dating agency called “Fast Friends” and was rewarded with a list of candidates, few of whom lived within an hour’s ride of me. I put the joining fee down to experience and thought no more of it. In 1986 I lost my wallet and the bank posted my replacement hole-in-the-wall card to my old address. I went by to pick it up and there was some more mail for me, including a letter then about three months old from another Fast Friend who’d been given my name and was looking to meet me. With some trepidation I wrote back saying I hoped she hadn’t been snapped up in the meantime, and waited optimistically for a reply. It turned out that she hadn’t and a letter and phone call later we arranged to meet up. Then after one strictly hands-off date she decided she wasn’t interested any more. Ah well. But the experience of receiving the original letter was a pleasure seldom experienced and never forgotten - actually having someone chase me for a change instead of timorously approaching a complete stranger in public and being told to bog off. And a face-to-face would have been equally welcome, believe me. Go for it. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/43 "2005-04-14T11:21:05Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > So, my approachable straight male co-Dopers, whaddya think? Once you get over the shock, are you usually flattered? Does it tend to affect your opinion of the woman at all, regardless of whether you find her attractive/interesting? On the one hand it’s a relief not to have to do all the work. But on the other hand, I tend to wonder the same thing about women as you probably do men: “Are they normally this flirty, or am I supposed to be special? Does this mean they’re a little wild? If so, does this bother me or excite me?” One thing I have universally found about women who make the first move is that they move too fast for my tastes. It’s like they get their courage up and then go for the gusto, leaving me insufficient time to consider the matter. Maybe that’s by design. But there we are again… think of how you felt when you’ve been approached by men, and imagine that your target… erm… interest… would probably have some of the same feelings you’ve had as an object of pursuit. We’re all humans, really, it’s just that some of us routinely have our rational thought disrupted by raging boners over people we barely know. ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/44 "2005-04-14T11:22:39Z")
My current girlfriend asked me out a bit over two years ago. I’ll let the previous sentence speak for itself. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/45 "2005-04-14T13:12:56Z")
Kolak of Twilo has phrased it perfectly. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/46 "2005-04-14T14:29:33Z")
Women making the first move? I wish it would happen more often. [sub]Of course, I’m at an age where I wish _anything_ would happen more often…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/47 "2005-04-14T14:32:17Z")
I am _always_ flattered when a woman expresses interest in me. I think it’s a wonderful thing. ---
**Author:** ![audiobottle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc8723/32.png) [@audiobottle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/audiobottle)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/48 "2005-04-14T15:06:25Z")
I’ll be the lone dissenting voice, but only sort of dissenting. More like senting, with a whiff of dis. In general, if I like a girl, I’ll do something about it, like ask her out. So if a girl asks me out then either a) she was faster than me or b) I wasn’t interested in her from the start. With a, there’s really no problem. With b, then I might become interested, but I tend to lose the interest immediately. Part of the fun of dating is in the chase. Or at least it’s fun for me. With a I still get the chase, it just turns out that I “win” by a different route. With b, I don’t get the chase. Instead I just get dropped into a relationship if I decide to give it a shot. All this, though, really doesn’t have to be gender-specific. I’m sure many women feel the same way I do. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/49 "2005-04-14T15:15:23Z")
Being a shy stragiht guy, I think there aren’t enough of such women. ---
**Author:** ![Anaxagoras](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b77776/32.png) [@Anaxagoras](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaxagoras)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/50 "2005-04-14T15:17:20Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I’d like the opinions of the straight men here who have been approached by women (either online or IRL) in the past. Love it. I asked her to marry me two weeks ago. She said yes. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/51 "2005-04-14T15:19:36Z")
It would definitely work for me. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/52 "2005-04-14T15:34:08Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I’d like the opinions of the straight men here who have been approached by women (either online or IRL) in the past. First off, before I start exclaiming with delight about women making the first move (which I will do shortly), let me note that it _can_ be done wrong. Most of doing it wrong is a lot like guys doing it wrong when they make the first move — being crude and offensively contemptuous about it — but in case you want illustration, the following experiences do not belong in your How To Put the Moves on Guys guide unless you want a chapter on Tactics to Avoid: • [Nothing has occurred but some interesting eye contact, casual acquaintances who scarcely know each others’ names:] “I don’t believe in wasting time, do you? Come up to my room and I’ll kill the light and you lick my pussy” • [Faculty party]“I was wondering, are you going to ask me out or are you gay or something? You want some of this, don’t you? Huh?” • [From out of nowhere, in mid-conversation, total nonsequitur:] “You know, I’ll let you do anything you want.” Now, to answer the question. I like it when women make the first non-overt serve to start a “hmm-maybe” volley. I very much like it when women make the first _overt_ serve, saying or doing something that is definitely, specifically a _move_, whether we’re talking about “I find you attractive” or “Will you go out with me” or “Let’s do erotic things and have orgasms” (minus offensively abrasive tactics as described above; I don’t need declarations of undying love but some warmth is kind of necessary). And I like it best of all when women initiate a campaign, taking responsibility for making as many separate moves as it takes to make the thing happen, watching for my responses but neither trying to “cut to the chase” (or, more accurately in this situation, cut _past_ the chase) nor making one move and then figuring the response from there on out is up to me. I think women who act in a straightforward manner and express interest in what they’re interested in are more fun, more honest and far easier to talk to than women who are so totally focused on what I want and what my freakin’ ego is sustaining that it’s all about me, me, me. (Well, OK, me, me, me and a referendum on her desirability. I really need some her, her, her, and my desirability stirred in. Can’t function without it. Why would I ever want to be with someone I find attractive who doesn’t find me attractive in a mutual and reciprocal way? That’s using. Or being serviced. Ugh.) ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/53 "2005-04-14T15:44:01Z")
There have been a lot of replies from shy men who love/would love to be approached by women, but I don’t think I’d ask out a guy who I could tell was shy. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against shy or somewhat introverted people – in fact I just spent 3 months dating one – but the real-life men who have made me think “I just have to take a chance!” have all been confident and somewhat outgoing (and by that I _don’t_ mean arrogant, loud, or obnoxious). I think I need to feel like the guy could “handle” being approached: that he has enough people skills to finesse a rejection, and/or that he realizes I don’t have my entire heart invested in his answer. Sometimes I think that if a shy guy isn’t interested in me, but I ask him out, _I’d_ wind up consoling _him_. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f14d63/32.png) [@My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/My_Darn_Snake_Legs)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/54 "2005-04-14T16:17:55Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Tactics to Avoid: > > • [Nothing has occurred but some interesting eye contact, casual acquaintances who scarcely know each others’ names:] “I don’t believe in wasting time, do you? Come up to my room and I’ll kill the light and you lick my pussy” > > • [Faculty party]“I was wondering, are you going to ask me out or are you gay or something? You want some of this, don’t you? Huh?” > > • [From out of nowhere, in mid-conversation, total nonsequitur:] “You know, I’ll let you do anything you want.” I think it depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking to hook up the first and last lines are just fine. The second suggestion seems kinda crude. Leave off the " You want some of this, don’t you? Huh?" and you have a pick up line. I don’t know that anyone who is using those lines is looking for more than a screw, so what’s the problem? I’m not a shy guy, and I have no problem talking to women, but “the chase” is boring and I like a woman who is straightforward about her intentions. -Mike ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/55 "2005-04-14T16:43:16Z")
I’ve got no problems with that. It’s nice because sometimes you overlook nice women somehow. Of course I haven’t built up my rejection skills like most women have… ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/56 "2005-04-14T17:06:15Z")
I think it’s great. I can’t promise that everything will turn out the way you want to it, but I certainly don’t think less of someone who’s willing to take a chance, be honest and speak her mind. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/57 "2005-04-14T17:21:41Z")
Some of the best relationships I’ve had in my life were with women that hit on me first. It seems to be going in a circle or something. When I was younger, I guess they were hitting on me for my studliness or something ( 😃 ), but now they’re hitting on me because they want a father figure. Or something. Or maybe they know that I’m firmly committed and they’re just practicing their flirting techniques with me. I dunno. I still like it, though! ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/58 "2005-04-14T17:29:17Z")
If I find the woman attractive, I love when she makes the first move. If I don’t find her attractive, then it is awkward - but of course, awkward in the same way that women find it awkward to turn someone down. ---
**Author:** ![AndyPolley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@AndyPolley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AndyPolley)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/59 "2005-04-14T17:44:49Z")
Okay…not a shy guy checking in here. When I met my current girlfriend, [(who rules)](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=301926) I proceeded with caution. I asked her out, she turned me down. I later found out that her best friend was interested in me, and put me on the “do not go after” list. Her best friend made the first move and asked me out. I didn’t like that. Later, when Ms. Best friend let her off the hook, my current GF asked me out. I liked that a lot. As a general statement, I don’t form a negative opinion of a girl approaching me, unless the approach merits it. A few years ago, the first move was made to me by a lady named Karen. She walked right up to me and said “Hi, I’m Karen. Wanna Fuck?” I did not like that (although it’s a fun little story) as it showed me what she was about in a pretty un-eloquent fashion. I was flattered that she was interested in me, but do I want to get involved with someone who’s first line includes the words “Wanna Fuck?” My answer (oddly enough) was no. As a guy, I think I’d be less dismissive of the dumb pick-ups that women have to endure. If I walked up to a lady and tell her that I noticed her from across the room & I thought she was stunning…I’d have a fairly high failure-rate. If a woman walks up to a guy with this type of line, I think the guy is more appreciative of being approached So for girls making the first move…I like it. I think guys like it as a general statement. Good luck, **Mis**. Stay bold. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2005, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/60 "2005-04-14T18:01:14Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I don’t want to pee in everybody’s Cheerios, but as a straight woman, in my experience making the first move turns you from “girl to marry” to “girl to sleep with”. Obviously I’m ending up with the wrong guys, but early aggression has in hindsight put me in some sort of “mistress” position more times than I’d really like to recall. Obviously these weren’t guys I’d have liked to have a relationship with anyway, considering, but still. :: Snicker :: :: BWAHAAA :: “turns into…” :: _Tears running down his face, Nametag tries to regain his composure and explain why that’s so funny_ :: **Szofia** , ALL women are “girls to sleep with.” Some are just “girls to sleep with, someday, or if I thought she’d have me,” while others are “girls to sleep with, pretty soon now.” A select few are “girls to sleep with, if they weren’t repulsive to me in some way that prevents me from thinking of them sexually.” If you’re imagining that someday you’re going to marry a man you haven’t slept with, you’re going to have to start asking out guys at church or something. And if you’re asking out guys you wouldn’t want to marry and sleeping with them, well, whose choice was that? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210.md?page=4)