# What do straight men \*really\* think of women who make the first move? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210 "2005-04-14T00:11:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/81 "2005-04-15T18:56:04Z")
**My Darn Snake Legs** : > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **AHunter3** : > > > [@](#): > > > > If any or all of the above constitute “asking correctly”, feel free to say so, but, if not, maybe you could help me explain to Snake Legs how and why such propositions are somewhat short of enticing? > > I think you’re missing something here. You switched the target. A guy who propositions a gal in that way is likely to get slapped. A girl who propositions a guy in that way is likely to be successful in her pursuit. > > Don’t switch the paradigm on me and make me look the fool. I have a firm opinion that men and women are completely different with regards to the “crude proposition” manuver. _You_ may be different. _I’m_ not different. I have no idea whether or not _other_ guys are different. I read women expressing concern that there might be a problem with them making the first move. I can only warn women with regards to problems I’ve experienced. As to what problems a guy who likes crude propositions might otherwise have with women making the first move, I can neither imagine nor say. I do think that women assuming they should come onto us differently than we’d come on to them when they _do_ make overt moves is a big mistake. Propositioning someone that way is hostile and belittling and openly contemptuous in two of the three (real-life) examples I gave, and at least disconcerting and confusing in the third. Maybe I’m being silly, but I’d think a guy who has no problem with any of that isn’t going to have some _other_ problem that would cause him to spurn a gal putting the moves on him, unless the problem has nothing to do with how she’s doing it. Damn right I switched the target on you. That’s the point. It’s not that its a woman (wrongly) putting the moves on a guy, it’s that it’s a totally fucked-up way for anyone to put the moves on anyone. A woman being a total jerk while making the first move may not be quite as likely to experience rejection as a man doing so, but I was offering the advice that it’s still pretty likely to have those results. It’s simply not how it’s done. ---
**Author:** ![AndyPolley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@AndyPolley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AndyPolley)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/82 "2005-04-15T18:58:11Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > What do you mean by “didn’t like that?” Was it her approach? The fact that you weren’t interested in her? > > I try to fit the approach to the guy/situation. The best friend’s approach was nice enough. It was something like “I think you’re really cool, I’ve liked you for a while now, I think we should spend some more time together & get to know each other better…” Stuff like that. She actually tried more than once. The problem wound up being one part not interested in her & 10 parts interested in her best friend. I guess if I wasn’t interested in her friend, I might have thought differently. When the lady who caught my eye was ‘given clearance’ by her friend to date me, she walked right up to me wearing a big smile. It was at a party & I think she was waiting for me to make a move. I was reluctant to do so, having been shot down on numerous occasions before. She just wound up saying “What are you doing this weekend? Wanna do something?” I was stunned, but very very happy. I would think that if I were terminally shy, I’d _want_ a woman to approach me all the more. ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2005, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/83 "2005-04-15T23:01:49Z")
Speaking as a guy who has no luck with women, I’d welcome a woman making the first move. I’m about as dumb as a brick when it comes to these sorts of things. Considering that I had to be told by a coworker nearly a year later (when I was telling this story) that the fact that a girl (whose name I can’t remember, then or now) knew my name and asked if I wanted to come in to this party as I was going by was “the girl right now” (as compared to the girl you marry, though I suppose one could become the other), I think it’s fair to say that I’m pretty oblivious. I’d appreciate it if the ladies would take the initiative occasionally. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2005, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/84 "2005-04-15T23:26:14Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > I’d appreciate it if the ladies would take the initiative occasionally. She invited you in to a party … how much more initiative do you need? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2005, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/85 "2005-04-16T00:51:20Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > She invited you in to a party … how much more initiative do you need? 😉 A lot more, apparently. Besides, I was already fairly tanked. I had just put down four or five beers in no more than 60-90 minutes at the local bar and was walking back to my dorm room to crash. It probably doesn’t help that I do almost all my drinking in my room. It’s cheaper that way, but you don’t meet a lot of people. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2005, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/86 "2005-04-16T02:52:19Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > \ > So, my approachable straight male co-Dopers, whaddya think? Once you get over the shock, are you usually flattered? Does it tend to affect your opinion of the woman at all, regardless of whether you find her attractive/interesting? I’ve never been shocked or uncomfortable when a woman makes the first move. When I’m committed to someone else at the time, it’s easy enough to back away without embarrassing the woman or myself. Those times that I’ve been approached when I was available, she almost always got lucky! 😃 A direct answer would be that I do not think less of a woman who makes the first move. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2005, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/87 "2005-04-16T04:22:07Z")
Ok, I’m going to hijack my own thread (a little), be uncharacteristically insecure, and ask for your opinions on the message I just sent to this guy: > [@Me](#): > > Hi! I was drawn to your profile by your photo, age, and location (isn’t that how it usually goes?), but then as I read it I kept finding myself thinking, “Me, too!” So I figured I’d take a chance and send you a message. 🙂 > > Some of the “me, too” things are that you’d rather date someone who doesn’t smoke and has never been married; you have a tattoo; you like to volunteer and shoot pool; you’re half Italian; you have a photo of yourself with a small plane (mine isn’t posted); and your degrees are in English (though I’ve only just started working on my MA). I also like the upbeat, positive tone of your profile, and your description of “creative/artistic, non-preppy/non-yuppie, ‘a little bit quirky’ women who are active, relaxed and not so overwhelmed with things that they can’t enjoy life a little.” You sound like someone it would be cool to have a few beers with. > > So I guess this is the part where I ask you to look at my profile, and drop me a line if you’d like. 🙂 Interested or not, have a great weekend! > > –Jenny The first message I sent (to a different guy) was really short, and he never replied – of course, I don’t know if it was because of the message or my profile. This time, though, I figured I’d be a little more chatty. What do you think? Too much? Not enough? I wish I could perfect this “opening e-mail” thing, so that I can assume rejections are based on my profile: I don’t care if guys don’t like me, but I’d hate to inadvertently turn someone off with a crappy first message. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2005, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/88 "2005-04-16T20:12:57Z")
Hmm, no replies . . . was it me, or my post? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sensibility](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@Sensibility](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensibility)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2005, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/89 "2005-04-16T20:18:09Z")
had a friend tell me only last week that one of his recent relationships was instigated by the woman - and lasted 18 months! Only wish I were that brave…just an old fashioned M 🙂 iss I guess… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2005, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/90 "2005-04-16T20:37:08Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Hmm, no replies . . . was it me, or my post? 😉 Seems like a perfectly fine message to me. If I were that guy, I’d respond. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2005, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/91 "2005-04-17T02:55:28Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Hmm, no replies . . . was it me, or my post? 😉 Your post sounds fine to me, but I have ZERO experience with online dating, so there may be buzz-words I’m not familiar with. If I were looking for someone and fit the criteria you mentioned, I’d answer. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2005, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/92 "2005-04-17T03:10:34Z")
Thanks, **vl\_mungo** and **John Carter of Mars** (I don’t know if there are buzzwords, either!). I guess it’s just me that these guys don’t like. ☹ 😉 Seriously, though, it’s good to hear that the message itself was ok … I’ll keep sending 'em until I run out of interesting profiles. 🙂 I think I got spoiled when I got back into online dating five months ago: the first guy I wrote to replied right away, and we wound up having a couple of dates. Then the second guy I wrote to _also_ replied right away, and we wound up dating for a few months. So now I expect to hear from – and date – everyone I write to. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2005, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/93 "2005-04-17T03:53:36Z")
Oh, one other thing: You wrote in your message to him, “you have a photo of yourself with a small plane (mine isn’t posted);” You didn’t post a picture? I don’t know anything about online dating, but I do know something about selling horses online. A picture works wonders. If you didn’t post a picture of yourself, and posting a picture is a normal thing to do, you may have better results if you post a picture. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2005, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/94 "2005-04-20T15:23:41Z")
> [@AndyPolley](#): > > A few years ago, the first move was made to me by a lady named Karen. She walked right up to me and said “Hi, I’m Karen. Wanna Fuck?” I did not like that (although it’s a fun little story) as it showed me what she was about in a pretty un-eloquent fashion. I was flattered that she was interested in me, but do I want to get involved with someone who’s first line includes the words “Wanna Fuck?” It’s the cross you have to bear for being such a babe magnet, Andy. If you really want to score, though (not you, but the geeks out there), just say you’re a pilot. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2005, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/95 "2005-04-20T17:07:46Z")
> [@John Carter of Mars](#): > > Oh, one other thing: You wrote in your message to him, “you have a photo of yourself with a small plane (mine isn’t posted);” > > You didn’t post a picture? What I meant was that I have a picture of myself with a small plane, too, but _that_ one isn’t posted. 🙂 I definitely have pictures of myself on [my profile](http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=1000005&TP=U&UID=KjtzGv0tMNc%3d&Handle=misnomer971): when I send a message to someone it arrives with a “snapshot” of my profile, which includes my main photo, so the guy sees at least one picture right away – and the others if he decides to look at my entire profile. > [@](#): > > Good luck! Thanks! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![huk24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f0a364/32.png) [@huk24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/huk24)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2005, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/96 "2005-04-20T19:31:12Z")
but for you dopers, has there ever been a time where a woman has made the first move on you, and you [for some reason or another] have backed off and said it wasnt such a good idea? ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2005, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/97 "2005-04-20T21:17:40Z")
Did you read my [description](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6055479&postcount=52) of “how not to do it”, earlier in this thread? All three occurrences happened as described, and I declined the honor all three times. (Well, in the third case, I sort of said “uh…” and “…” and other highly lucid and brilliant things like that for a little while, then finally mumbled something about liking the scenery along the way…I didn’t specifically _decide_ to say “no thanks” but it kind of died at this point, so that’s the end result at any rate. If I could go back in time I might take her up on it, expecting the invite this time around — if I could figure out what to say — but it really was a very disconcerting approach to putting the moves on a person.) ---
**Author:** ![Elvez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8491ac/32.png) [@Elvez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elvez)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2005, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/98 "2005-04-20T22:53:31Z")
> [@Low Key](#): > > I like it. I’m a bit shy about talking to women I don’t know, so I definately see them approaching me as a good thing. Besides, if they approached me I can be much more certain that they are interested instead of having to second guess myself. This pretty much sums up my feelings as well. I’ve always been fairly reserved about flirting or trying to “send signals”, and it came as a huge relief when, at the end of our first date, my gal told me “I think you should kiss me goodnight,” which I did. ---
**Author:** ![silk1976](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@silk1976](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silk1976)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/99 "2005-04-21T03:52:50Z")
If it weren’t for **Mithril** making the first move, then the past 3 years would have been a relative bummer. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210/100 "2005-04-21T04:57:51Z")
> [@huk24](#): > > but for you dopers, has there ever been a time where a woman has made the first move on you, and you [for some reason or another] have backed off and said it wasnt such a good idea? Well, yes. However, I was 15 and I think she was 11. Alas, it was not meant to be. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-straight-men-really-think-of-women-who-make-the-first-move/299210.md?page=6)