# What do you do when you need reassurance? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 20, 2012, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166 "2012-01-20T19:52:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/1 "2012-01-20T19:52:19Z")
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I need the kind of reassurance a child needs. Somebody telling me that yes, I did good, that I am good, good enough, that it will be allright. And they have to make me believe it. Which is not easy with someone as argumentative and schooled in complicated psycho turnarounds as I am. Anyway, I would like to know: do _you_ ever need reassurance? And if you do, where do you get it? Anonymous poll to follow. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/2 "2012-01-20T19:59:30Z")
I do without it, and I do fine. Usually. Not today, but most other days. ---
**Author:** ![brittekland](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@brittekland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brittekland)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/3 "2012-01-20T20:07:15Z")
I grow chest on my hair and toughen up. But it would be nice though… no one ever gave me any… . ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/4 "2012-01-20T20:17:08Z")
Thanks to Stuart Smalley, I do [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DIETlxquzY). ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/5 "2012-01-20T20:19:25Z")
I pull the slide back just far enough to see that there is one in the chamber. Oh yes, the OP. I do without and do fine. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/6 "2012-01-20T20:34:36Z")
Do fine without. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/7 "2012-01-20T21:16:46Z")
Live without it and mostly it’s fine, but sometimes it really sucks. I had a breast cancer scare about a year ago. I am so accustomed to tackling all my own problems head-on by myself, that it never even occurred to me to _ask_ anyone for support until about a day before my surgery. (Results: benign, I’m fine.) I didn’t even realize it until my sister emailed me and said “I sure wish I could be down there to hold your hand, but I can’t, so I have to count on your friends to do it.” The surgery was right before Christmas so everyone I knew had bolted out of town on their holiday travels. Although my sister was counting on my friends to support me, I knew there wouldn’t be anyone there to do it. And that’s when I cried about it – not because I wanted reassurance all of a sudden, but because I knew I’d never have it even if I could ask for it. In retrospect, I think a little external reassurance would have been really useful. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/8 "2012-01-20T21:25:18Z")
I do it myself, using CBT techniques I’ve learned. My husband is not good at this, despite me explaining the techniques and talking him through when he’s needed reassurance. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/9 "2012-01-20T21:29:38Z")
It would be nice to ask for some without my wife internalizing my problem, thereby making it her problem about which I have to reassure her, so I largely do without. ---
**Author:** ![heathen\_earthling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@heathen\_earthling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heathen_earthling)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/10 "2012-01-20T21:30:45Z")
Drink. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/11 "2012-01-20T21:35:57Z")
Sometimes I get really anxious and feel like I need reassurance. I used to go to my husband for it, but we learned that reassurance-seeking behavior is reinforced when the other person gives in, and makes the anxiety reaction stronger. So I am learning to deal with it on my own, either by doing something nice for myself or distracting myself through the worst of it. By the way, when I say seeking reassurance from my husband, I’m not talking about a hug or a kind word, which he freely gives. I’m talking about a constant monologue of ‘‘Am I bad? I’m not bad, am I? We’re going to be okay, right? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I feel so bad. Am I bad?’’ Incidentally, I used to have a problem seeking reassurance on the Dope as well. I’m learning to stop that behavior too. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/12 "2012-01-20T21:52:43Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > Drink. We probably shouldn’t try to reassure each other. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/13 "2012-01-20T22:12:37Z")
I mostly do without it\*, and it’s okay because I don’t really seek it. My very weakest people-management skill is without a doubt satisfying people who need external validation because I don’t understand that need. - But my new boss is big on telling people they do a good job. It still makes me a little uneasy because it’s so alien. ---
**Author:** ![Al\_Bundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@Al\_Bundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Al_Bundy)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/14 "2012-01-20T22:24:18Z")
Fortunately, I have crap shooter confidence. I make the best decisions I can at the time and move on. Years of experience have showed me that when others disagree with my direction, I’m likely moving in the right direction. But I also don’t crave negative assurance. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/15 "2012-01-20T23:56:28Z")
I don’t really feel the need for that sort of reassurance. It’s nice to hear that I’ve done something well, but I don’t need it to maintain my confidence. Probably the only reason my self-confidence doesn’t cross the line into outright arrogance (in my humble opinion, of course) is that I’m honest about the things I’m terrible at, too. I try to maintain a realistic assessment of my abilities. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/16 "2012-01-20T23:59:24Z")
I live without reassurance. I’m talking about comfort when things go wrong, not validation for work well done. My mom’s passed on, and my husband is a reassur-ee, not a reassur-er. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2012, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/17 "2012-01-20T23:59:31Z")
I reassure myself. It’s the kind of thing that I can’t get from anyone else, not even my partner. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2012, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/18 "2012-01-21T01:20:31Z")
I don’t know that I’ve consciously ever thought I needed reassurance, but I’m sure I have needed it subconsciously. For all the ass-pain they can be, young kids are great for providing unconditional love (and unconditional poop and tantrums, but, yeah, love, too). ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2012, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/19 "2012-01-21T04:46:15Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Live without it and mostly it’s fine, but sometimes it really sucks. > > I had a breast cancer scare about a year ago. I am so accustomed to tackling all my own problems head-on by myself, that it never even occurred to me to _ask_ anyone for support until about a day before my surgery. (Results: benign, I’m fine.) > > I didn’t even realize it until my sister emailed me and said “I sure wish I could be down there to hold your hand, but I can’t, so I have to count on your friends to do it.” The surgery was right before Christmas so everyone I knew had bolted out of town on their holiday travels. Although my sister was counting on my friends to support me, I knew there wouldn’t be anyone there to do it. And that’s when I cried about it – not because I wanted reassurance all of a sudden, but because I knew I’d never have it even if I could ask for it. In retrospect, I think a little external reassurance would have been really useful. {{{{Bless your heart.}}}} We all need somebody. Reach out more. _Some_body will be there. ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2012, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166/20 "2012-01-21T05:29:25Z")
I talk to my Mom. Other people too, but mostly Mom. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-do-when-you-need-reassurance/610166.md?page=2)