# What do you think of when you think of passive aggression? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2011, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147 "2011-01-02T17:28:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/41 "2011-01-03T20:41:47Z")
> [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](#): > > What epitomizes passive aggression, to you? What do you think of when you think of passive aggression? I think passive aggression involves deliberate attempts to inflict distress on others without being seen as deliberately doing so. Thus, being chronically late or forgetful fits the bill, because the perp can always fend off accusations of intentionally inflicting distress (“hey, cut me some slack, I just overslept, that’s all!” “Hey, I just forgot, alright? Didn’t you ever forget anything?”). The merry-go-round of selecting a restaurant described upthread is not exactly passive-aggression, but it’s similar: in this case the negating person often is refusing to be positively assertive because they do not want to be perceived as doing anything that limits or hurts the other person, even if it’s an unintended consequence of asserting their own interests. I think this and PA are related in that they are cases of someone not wanting to take ownership of their feelings and the consequences of them. Similarly: > [@Gus Gusterson](#): > > Sister-in-law, upon entering the house while we’re cooking brunch: Oh, you’re cooking bacon? Billy [her son] may not want to come in if he smells it. > Billy: Yum! Bacon! > > A few minutes later, bacon still cooking: > > Sister-in-law: Wow, that vent fan sure is quiet. > Me, to wife: That’s her way of saying, “Turn on the vent fan.” > > She could have said, “The smell of bacon bothers me,” and we would have accommodated her somehow, but she went with passive-agressivity so we just went on cooking the bacon. This is not passive-aggression, this is just a person who lacks [assertiveness](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness) and in the absence of that behaviorial skill is still trying desperately to have her needs met - first by presenting the need as belonging to someone else (so she doesn’t have to face any perceived ill-will), and second by indirectly positing the idea that the fan is supposed to be on (not according to her wishes, but instead according to some unspoken convention). ---
**Author:** ![CTburns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a5b964/32.png) [@CTburns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CTburns)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/42 "2011-01-04T02:58:07Z")
Nursing has many passive-aggressive types. Most times when I bring a patient to an ICU I am greeted with several of these comments with varying degrees of hostile intent. (Ex) “Oh, I guess you don’t empty catheter bags down in your department.” Sorry, but I was busy keeping the patient alive! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/43 "2011-01-04T03:05:42Z")
I’ve found the best way to deal with the restaurant merry-go-round is to just say where you want to go and hop off the merry-go-round. That works for most passive-aggressive behaviour, actually - just stop engaging with it and do your own thing. ---
**Author:** ![Teufelblitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@Teufelblitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teufelblitz)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/44 "2011-01-04T05:17:45Z")
Whenever I say I will eat whatever someone suggests, I actually take the first suggestion. Am I the only one who does this? Mine generally goes like this: Partner 1: What do you want to eat? Me: I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine. P1: How about Chinese? Me: Works for me! I mean, the suggestion has to be pretty off the wall for me to say no. Monetarily prohibitive or extremely distant restaurants are about all that will make me question a suggestion. I do note, however, that even though I am pretty much always compliant that all the ladies I have been in a relationship with hate the fact that I do this so often. “Why is it my decision?” is asked a lot. It really and truly is that most of the time I have no strong preference for where to eat. I can find something that I will eat without modification just about anywhere. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/45 "2011-01-04T05:40:18Z")
I bet when they get [really annoyed](http://www.theonion.com/articles/nancy-pelosi-wants-congress-to-want-to-pass-bill,2101/)when they make a suggestion and you just say, “sure.” > [@](#): > > “I remember once on the phone, when [Nancy Pelosi] called me trying to gather support for the bill, she got mad when I said, ‘Sure, I’ll vote for it,’” Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D–MD) said. "She said, ‘That’s all you can say, “Sure?” When you know how important this is to me?’ I told her I was on board with whatever she wanted and then she just made this exasperated groan and hung up. Further along . . . > [@](#): > > Not content with the status quo, Pelosi told her fellow Democrats that “there’s going to be a lot of changes in the way we communicate” after the Congressional recess. According to Pelosi, deliberations on the House floor will be based on “total candor” about “what Congress is really feeling about individual pieces of legislation, the motives behind the voting, and the tone of the discussion.” If she feels the talks have failed, Pelosi plans to alert the 434 other representatives of her displeasure by doing nothing for several weeks and then bursting into tears in the middle of House debates on agricultural subsidies. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/46 "2011-01-04T06:20:22Z")
I recently started a thread about how to deal with my friend’s annoying personal crisis, but I’m too lazy to go find it. In short, my friend was posting a bunch of tweets about how everyone hated her and how horrible her life is and how she should just go eat worms, etc. I was sympathetic to the fact that she was going through a hard time, but annoyed by the constant bombardment of self-pitying dramaaaaaaa. The other day I dumped her as a friend because she aimed her passive aggression at me. I posted an entry in my LiveJournal that I felt XYZ. Said friend disagreed, but instead of _telling_ me so (which would have been fine, I wouldn’t have been offended, XYZ isn’t really a big deal), what she did instead was go to Twitter and write, essentially, “some people are such fucking bitches. I don’t think XYZ, I think ABC.” Obviously I’m anonymizing it a lot, but the first sentence is a direct quote. I confronted her, asking her if she was calling me a fucking bitch. She wrote back to say that yes, she had been talking me about me, and it’s okay if I hate her, she hates herself and is a terrible person who can never do anything right. Et cetera. Obliquely calling someone a fucking bitch in a forum you know they can read? _That_, my friends, is passive aggression. ---
**Author:** ![Cubsfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Cubsfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cubsfan)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/47 "2011-01-04T06:29:25Z")
My wife. It’s one of her few personality shortcomings. Shed never admit to doing it but she does all the time. It’s maddening. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/48 "2011-01-04T06:33:15Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > You’re seriously asking this question? That’s rich. Wow, where’d this come from? ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/49 "2011-01-04T06:45:19Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’ve found the best way to deal with the restaurant merry-go-round is to just say where you want to go and hop off the merry-go-round. That works for most passive-aggressive behaviour, actually - just stop engaging with it and do your own thing. The _last_ thing you want to do while living in the Far East, IME, if you’re dealing with a group of three or more. It’s another thing reminding me of Chinese culture – there was an article on Cracked lately talking about the ideal situation going out to eat in China or Japan is when a group of people collectively mumble long enough to settle on a restaurant that _none_ of them like (though of course they can’t come out and say so). Because if Person A is seen really enjoying him/herself, maybe they’re doing so at the expense of Persons B, C and D who _hate_ the food there. Person A would then gain a reputation as a selfish boor and someone who can’t get along with the group (be it coworkers or–even worse–inlaws). Such a society breeds passive aggression out the wazoo, believe me. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/50 "2011-01-04T11:38:06Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Wow, where’d this come from? Woosh? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/51 "2011-01-04T13:24:42Z")
Ah, okay. I thought it was more personal than that…whoops. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/52 "2011-01-04T15:53:35Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > It’s another thing reminding me of Chinese culture – there was an article on Cracked lately talking about the ideal situation going out to eat in China or Japan is when a group of people collectively mumble long enough to settle on a restaurant that _none_ of them like (though of course they can’t come out and say so). Because if Person A is seen really enjoying him/herself, maybe they’re doing so at the expense of Persons B, C and D who _hate_ the food there. Person A would then gain a reputation as a selfish boor and someone who can’t get along with the group (be it coworkers or–even worse–inlaws). [Found the article](http://www.cracked.com/article_18603_the-6-worst-parts-being-chinese-not-in-stereotypes_p2.html) (Scroll down to #1, “Keqi”). ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/53 "2011-01-04T19:18:04Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > The _last_ thing you want to do while living in the Far East, IME, if you’re dealing with a group of three or more. It’s another thing reminding me of Chinese culture – there was an article on Cracked lately talking about the ideal situation going out to eat in China or Japan is when a group of people collectively mumble long enough to settle on a restaurant that _none_ of them like (though of course they can’t come out and say so). Because if Person A is seen really enjoying him/herself, maybe they’re doing so at the expense of Persons B, C and D who _hate_ the food there. Person A would then gain a reputation as a selfish boor and someone who can’t get along with the group (be it coworkers or–even worse–inlaws). Such a society breeds passive aggression out the wazoo, believe me. I wouldn’t do well with that culture. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![PeskiPiksi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e495f1/32.png) [@PeskiPiksi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PeskiPiksi)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2011, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/54 "2011-01-05T02:59:36Z")
My husband can be passive-agressive. I know I’ve told this little anecdote here before, because it blew up into a big discussion, but that’s the only reason I remember it. One day I cut the tags off a couple of new shirts and absent-mindedly left them sitting on the bathroom counter instead of putting them in the trash. This is a bad habit of mine, it’s annoying, I know, and I’m always working to change it. But I am human, and sometimes I slip up. This was one of those times. So my husband comes across the tags, and instead of A) just throwing them away himself and moving on with his life or B) coming to me and saying something along the line of “You left trash out on the counter again. Can you please try harder not to do that?”, either of which would have been fine with me, he chose option C) Bring the tags out to the living room, show them to me, and ask, “Were we saving these for anything? I thought they were trash but since you left them on the counter I wasn’t sure.” A very minor instance of passive-aggressiveness, yes, but when this kind of thing happens over and over again it can get hard to live with. Fortunately, hubby does admit he has a tendency to do it and tries hard not to. Ah, married life… ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2011, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/55 "2011-01-05T03:12:50Z")
> [@PeskiPiksi](#): > > One day I cut the tags off a couple of new shirts and absent-mindedly left them sitting on the bathroom counter instead of putting them in the trash. This is a bad habit of mine, it’s annoying, I know, and I’m always working to change it. But I am human, and sometimes I slip up. This was one of those times. :dubious: Or perhaps you were still steaming because last week he had forgotten your cousin’s boyfriend’s mother’s birthday, and so you left those tags on the counter as your little way of getting back at him, because you _know_ how much he hates that? ---
**Author:** ![PeskiPiksi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e495f1/32.png) [@PeskiPiksi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PeskiPiksi)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2011, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/56 "2011-01-05T03:19:20Z")
No. I just messed up. \*I’m \*not the passive-agressive one, which doing that would be. Or maybe I’ve just been whooshed… ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2011, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/57 "2011-01-05T03:22:41Z")
Ah. So you admit you _were_ steamed at him. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2011, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/58 "2011-01-05T03:25:08Z")
> [@PeskiPiksi](#): > > One day I cut the tags off a couple of new shirts and absent-mindedly left them sitting on the bathroom counter instead of putting them in the trash. This is a bad habit of mine, it’s annoying, I know, and I’m always working to change it. But I am human, and sometimes I slip up. This was one of those times. > > So my husband comes across the tags, and instead of A) just throwing them away himself and moving on with his life or B) coming to me and saying something along the line of “You left trash out on the counter again. Can you please try harder not to do that?”, either of which would have been fine with me, he chose option C) Bring the tags out to the living room, show them to me, and ask, “Were we saving these for anything? I thought they were trash but since you left them on the counter I wasn’t sure.” How is that passive aggression? If it were me, I’d ask too. Maybe you wanted to save them in case you wanted the style number or something. ---
**Author:** ![PeskiPiksi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e495f1/32.png) [@PeskiPiksi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PeskiPiksi)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2011, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147/59 "2011-01-05T06:22:05Z")
He knew I wasn’t saving them…he was just annoyed and wanted me to know it. He admitted as much to me later. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-of-when-you-think-of-passive-aggression/566147.md?page=2)