# What do you think people should discuss before they get married? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2012, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658 "2012-02-03T16:35:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/21 "2012-02-04T15:57:48Z")
Job-related. If one parent is stay-at-home, discuss the conditions in which that person returns to the workforce full-time. Such as - when the children are of a certain age, etc. It should not be a permanent semi-retirement for one, unless the other is OK with that. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/22 "2012-02-04T17:00:21Z")
Regarding the time management, you should include in that discussion what each spouse will do when one spouse says they will do something, then does it on their own time schedule (read: procrastinates doing it forever, and gets grouchy when asked when they’re planning on getting around to it). If you reserve a task for yourself, is there a time frame put on it, rather than leaving it open-ended? What are the consequences when the task is not completed in the agreed-upon time frame? Do you forfeit the reservation of the task, or is the other spouse now allowed to nag daily? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/23 "2012-02-04T17:16:54Z")
Change: make it clear to each other that you are NOT going to change and that the other party should not attempt to impose beliefs and lifestyles upon you. If you hate ballet, you’re not suddenly going to develop a love for it simply because your partner wants it. Incessant nagging only makes it worse. Sex: it destroys many marriages, including my first. I had no idea that libidos differ from person to person, and expected my partner to be as eager and uninhibited as I am. After 20 years of once-a-month sex (if I was lucky), and sporadic affairs, I finally ended the whole sham. If you’re both not in agreement or at least in the same ballpark, cancel the game. Quitting smoking, losing weight, doing chores. See “change” above, but household duties should be discussed; neither of you is marrying a butler/maid. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/24 "2012-02-04T18:11:39Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > It is his/her job to give you tools to better assess your own relationship, and to discuss coping strategies that might help you in rougher times. Ah, well in that case I don’t find it as necessary. I guess I imagined it as a 3rd, unbiased party, but I suppose that’s for couples therapy, not counseling. If I truthfully was very gung ho about it and said “This is a priority and important to me”, he’d be willing. But I myself am slightly hesitant, simply due to time constraints. Tools I think we can pick up from books and from good threads like this. Time management for events is a very, very good one actually. For couples dates and work, we’re on the same page. Anything involving a reservation as well. Our parents are very “come whenever” which he takes to me “let’s go first thing!” He thinks we’re “late” otherwise. And I’m sure I could hustle more than I do those days as well, rather than drag my feet. His anxiousness over being “late” to casual get togethers thrown by friends has improved as well. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/25 "2012-02-04T18:27:14Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Change: make it clear to each other that you are NOT going to change and that the other party should not attempt to impose beliefs and lifestyles upon you. Well, I wouldn’t put it quite that way. I’ve changed quite a bit from the person I was when I got married ten years ago. Just not because my spouse imposed those changes on me, which I agree is unacceptable. ---
**Author:** ![brocks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7feea3/32.png) [@brocks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brocks)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/26 "2012-02-04T18:43:27Z")
I’m not bitter, but… a guy should ask his fiancee whether she is just fucking pretending to like everything he likes, and will stop liking it and start hating it as soon as they get back from the honeymoon. Again, I’m not bitter. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/27 "2012-02-04T18:45:32Z")
I think you might be a tiny bit bitter, **brocks.** 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2012, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/28 "2012-02-04T20:59:40Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I guess I imagined it as a 3rd, unbiased party, but I suppose that’s for couples therapy, not counseling. Well, yes, the counselor should be unbiased, but ours at least placed a lot of emphasis on trying to get us to look at our relationship ourselves. (He did have a lot of stories about people who really clearly seen through a third party’s eyes didn’t need to get married, but his focus was on getting them to figure that out.) But yes, if we’d read this thread we could’ve skipped most of it 🙂 Our big thing with the time management was the whole solo time vs. couples time; we hadn’t realize that was something we needed to talk about, and it turned out my fiance wanted a lot more solo time than I did, I wanted a lot more couples time than he did, and we had both resorted to some unfortunate passive-aggressive strategies to get what we wanted. Once we actually realized what was going on, we fixed it pretty much immediately and haven’t had any issues with that since. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2012, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/29 "2012-02-05T06:35:14Z")
In re-reading my post I see I didn’t blatently describe any of the good parts, altho I think some of the “bad” is part of the good, if that makes any sense. Like when only _you_ (and Mama) know they can only swallow a pill if it’s in a spoon with a tiny bit of jam… Here are some things I think it would be important to know: What kind of character/morals does the other person have? How do they treat their family? What are they like when they’ve had too much to drink? How are they around kids and pets? How do they manage money? (Not WILL, do now.) Can you appreciate their sense of humor? How do they treat people who are “lesser than” themselves? Do you find them attractive in spite of/sometimes because of their flaws? When you’re with them, do you feel like you’re “home” instead of thinking about other things you could be doing? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2012, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/30 "2012-02-05T08:49:05Z")
One I remember seeing here: TV in the bedroom or not? To which I’d add, in the kitchen. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2012, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/31 "2012-02-05T19:15:43Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > Well, I wouldn’t put it quite that way. I’ve changed quite a bit from the person I was when I got married ten years ago. Just not because my spouse imposed those changes on me, which I agree is unacceptable. Sure, everybody changes. False expectations are what I was getting at. My ex made the assumption that I would, at some point, become a Catholic, even though I made it clear that I had no interest in doing so. At one point in the marriage she actually said to me: “If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t have married outside my faith.” Yeah, well I wouldn’t have married a frigid fucking martyr, either. Bitter! Party of one! ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2012, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/32 "2012-02-05T19:33:52Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Bitter! Party of one! I’m pretty sure we’re gonna need a bigger table! ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2012, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658/33 "2012-02-05T19:55:31Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Sure, everybody changes. False expectations are what I was getting at. My ex made the assumption that I would, at some point, become a Catholic, even though I made it clear that I had no interest in doing so. At one point in the marriage she actually said to me: “If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t have married outside my faith.” Yeah, well I wouldn’t have married a frigid fucking martyr, either. Bitter! Party of one! Wow. I think that most of the questions in this thread can be answered by living together first. My Wife and I did not need to ask each other questions. We already knew the answers. Sure things change, and living together first won’t show you what might change, but it will show you how it gets handled. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-do-you-think-people-should-discuss-before-they-get-married/611658.md?page=1)