# What Does a Person Have to do to get his "friends" to quit trying to get him laid? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 16, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805 "2006-02-16T15:42:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/1 "2006-02-16T15:42:23Z")
Dear Abby, I’m 19 years old and still a virgin. I’m not to worried about it, but my neighbor keeps nagging at me to “get laid”, and he and his buddies keep pressuring me to take home some drunk girl and “hit it”. I come from a religious background and my parents always taught me to be respectful to both women and myself. I would like to meet women, but I’m kind of shy and awkward, plus I always manage to say the wrong thing whenever I open my mouth. I don’t have much experience with flirting, and talking to drunk girls in bars is really difficult because I can’t understand what they’re saying. (My neighbor says that this doesn’t matter, and I’ll I need to do is keep nodding my head until the girl is ready to “put out”, but again, that goes against my upbringing.) I’d like to learn how to talk to girls, and my neighbor seems to be pretty good at it, but when it comes to sex I’d like to take it slow, at least with the first few girls. How do I convince my neighbor to let me be? Also, my neighbor smells like turnips. How to I tell him that he stinks without offending him. Sincerely, LL Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/2 "2006-02-16T15:53:41Z")
Dear LL: Try this. The next time your friend starts on this subject, grab his hand, stare deeply into his eyes and tell him you think it would be wonderful to lose your virginity to a close friend. Thank him for understanding that this is what you need, then stand and start walking towards your bedroom. Your friend sounds like the kind of guy that will scream and run from you and never raise the subject again. If he doesn’t though, and his eyes light up too, then you’re on your own. Improvise and lubricate. Abby ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/3 "2006-02-16T16:11:15Z")
> [@Mr Bus Guy](#): > > If he doesn’t though, and his eyes light up too, then you’re on your own. Improvise and lubricate. > > Abby > [@LL](#): > > That sounds great, Abby, but what about the turnip smell? I don’t want my bedroom to smell like turnips! (Also, for those just joining in, [thread=358374]here[/thread]'s the link to the originating thread.) Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/4 "2006-02-16T19:35:19Z")
**Stranger** , I think it’s bad form to attribute spoof posts to banned users. I predict great misfortune with this thread. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/5 "2006-02-16T20:01:30Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **Stranger** , I think it’s bad form to attribute spoof posts to banned users. I predict great misfortune with this thread. 😉 Oops! I didn’t realize that there was a poster named **Lonesome Loser**. Obviously, our hypthetical young virgin is a different individual, insofar as he is merely a creation of my demented imagination. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/6 "2006-02-16T20:05:57Z")
You may want to ask a mod to change the name to something else, then. Also, what does a turnip smell like? I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/7 "2006-02-16T20:06:47Z")
LL, just redirect your friend to [Least Original User Name Ever.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=358374) He has a neighbor who could use the help. Abby ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/8 "2006-02-16T20:33:29Z")
> [@Mr Bus Guy](#): > > Improvise and lubricate. 😃 My new catchphrase! ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/9 "2006-02-16T20:43:12Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > LL, just redirect your friend to [Least Original User Name Ever.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=358374) He has a neighbor who could use the help. > > Abby What’s that _whooshing_ sound? Why, it sounds like post #3 in this thread… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/10 "2006-02-16T21:54:14Z")
Dear LL: Tell your friend that you are saving yourself for a girl who is really into scat porn and pseudo-necrophilia. Ask your friend, no hound your friend all the time, about helping you find such a girl. Confess to your friend that you keep a box of dog doo under the beg because that is the only way you can acheive orgasm at night. Ask your friends what are his favorite aspects of feces. Tell your friend that you never thought Princess Diana was all that hot until you saw some “before” and “after” photos from that Paris underpass. Yowzahh! ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/11 "2006-02-16T22:19:38Z")
And it seems as if this thread is not going in an IMHO direction. Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/12 "2006-02-16T23:10:06Z")
Dear LL, Sneak into his house when he’s out and steal his Adam Sandler DVD’s: break them into pointy shards and use one to scratch into the paintwork of his car “Porky’s was not a documentary, shithead”. Then move. Scabby ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/13 "2006-02-17T08:01:04Z")
Dear LL, I suggest a little prank might just do the trick. First, invite his mother over to your place when you know your neighbor will be home, then… Abby ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/14 "2006-02-17T09:02:09Z")
Dear LL: Go pubbing with your neighbour. Chat up a drunk girl and take her home. Witness to her if you like, just so long as he sees you leave with her. The next day, thank him profusely for pushing you into the encounter. Then, over the course of a few weeks, feign a horrible venereal disease. Tell him that your testicles ruptured, and that your penis became necrotic and fell off. Hold out your hand to display a turkey neck that you’ve let the cat play with overnight. Again, thank him profusely. Abby ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/15 "2006-02-17T13:02:01Z")
Tell him You’d rather pay for something better. Any if he knows any pimps. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/16 "2006-02-17T15:27:39Z")
Dear LL, Scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!” as loud as you can. It usually gets the message across. If that fails, beat him until it works. Abby ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/17 "2006-02-17T15:50:13Z")
You know, I wrote out a whole big post on what assholes your neighbours were, full of vitriol and venom. Then, I realized you probably know all this. So, since it appears you already know the answer to your question, I’m just going to wish you good luck and let you know you’re on the right track. Stranger On A Train’s fantasy conversation with his neighbour: **Turnip Neighbour** : “Dude, just find some drunk chick and hit it!” **SOAT** : “So if I understand you correctly, you’re advocating that I stick my dick into some drunk woman who will let them stick their dick in them with a minimum of conversation? Two things: 1. You are the reason there is a need for penicillin. 2. You make me sad.” **TN** : “Fuck you!” **SOAT** : “OK, but not with your dick, I don’t know where it’s been.” ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/18 "2006-02-17T16:05:10Z")
Dear LL, Take your friend hunting. After that trip, he’ll never want to go anywhere with you again. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/19 "2006-02-17T18:22:02Z")
not bad. first time i’ve seen this thread. we could have always talked through this via email, but we want to start a thread. i’ve got no problem with that…have at it. i do believe i might have said that what i wanted, for my neighbor, was to help him a bit out of his shell. i wouldn’t expect him to come up and say “hey, help me out of my shell”, which is fine and dandy. anyways, long story short, it’s not that i wanted necessarily to get him laid. sure, i may have said that in the original post, but i thought the post would also probably sprout off into different areas as well. anyways, if you want to get rid of the confusion, feel free to email me. or you could just keep on going with the fun (and inaccurate) typecasting that some of the people replying to this thread seem to like to engage in. i’d have emailed you with this reply, but you’ve got your email responses turned off. mine should be in my profile. ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2006, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805/20 "2006-02-17T18:33:08Z")
Ah, I wouldn’t worry, **LOUNE**. For one thing it’s an MPSPit, and beyond that, I’m pretty sure he’s just joking around with your concept. Can’t speak for **Stranger** but I just can’t see the OP being intended as a knock on you personally. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-a-person-have-to-do-to-get-his-friends-to-quit-trying-to-get-him-laid/344805.md?page=2)