# What does it mean to be a man? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [June 6, 2000, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501 "2000-06-06T00:08:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![papertiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce73a5/32.png) [@papertiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papertiger)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/1 "2000-06-06T00:08:56Z")
What exactly does it mean these days, aside from the obvious, to be a man? Long ago man would hunt, dominate the pack, get the females, protect his family; generally agression was desirable as it ensured propagation of his genes. Nowadays agression is considered undesirable because there is no real use for it (other than in war). So what then are the _positive_ differences in character that separate men from women? ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/2 "2000-06-06T00:46:09Z")
Well, _violent_ aggression might not be desirable, but non-violent variations of aggression are still useful for **tackling** tough problems, making a **killing** on the stock market, and ravishing your honey like a wild animal. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/3 "2000-06-06T01:02:43Z")
When women get together, it often turns into a competition. Men get together and have fun. In today’s society, a forty year old man is still in his prime. A forty year old woman is just old (Witness Hollywood.) A man can find an acceptable outlet for his aggressive tendencies in the business world. IF a woman does the same and is tough and successful then she’s a “Dyke.” Men don’t feel pressured to mutilate themselves by having their testicles enlarged with silicon implants in order to conform to an unrealistic “Ken-doll” standard. Men can have a little bit of a beer-gut and still be cool and attractive. High heels. Men can have sex with lots of different partners and not be a slut. Men can openly lust after women without being a slut or a nympho. Easier to get ready in the morning. Don’t need tampax. No PMS. Men are generally a lot stronger than women. Men can be a physical threat to women, but the opposite is rarely true. The above are just some generalizations and observations about gender roles in society, so don’t jump ugly with me. Oh yeah that reminds me. IF a women takes offense at a sexist remark, she’s a feminazi. ---
**Author:** ![divemaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/divemaster/32/78_2.png) [@divemaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/divemaster)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/4 "2000-06-06T01:55:39Z")
I can tell you what my girlfriend looks for in a man. I have become a better person for trying to provide what she needs. 1. A spiritual leader; someone to guide her along God’s path for our lives. 2. Someone to encourage her, not just with words, but with _who he is_. In my case, I have learned how to listen to her when she is overcome with stress or anxiety. She looks to me for this. The way I respond is directly proportional to how long it takes her to become at peace. 3. An ambitious person who is always striving to improve himself spiritually, emotionally, and financially. She wants a good provider and needs to feel confident and comfortable that her man is no slacker in this regard. “Your glory will be my glory” she tells me often. 4. Someone who provides unconditional love. Only when she is secure in this love can she fully blossom. 5. A soft heart; not to have two faces; generosity 6. Someone who is very giving in intimate matters. Not a selfish taker. Someone to coax out and encourage her natural desires to flourish. I have learned that this won’t happen until 1-5 above are satisfied. I’ve only posted a few off the top of my head. Of course “what it takes to be a man” is much more than this, and will be different for each relationship. I’ve answered this in the context of a relationship because I don’t feel a man truly and fully _is_ until he finds a special woman to complete those parts that only she can fill. As far as aggression goes, various aspects of that fall within the above list, however subtly. If leadership and ambition are aggressive traits, then my girlfriend looks for me to be aggressive. If aggression means being an overbearing asshole, well, that is right out. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/5 "2000-06-06T01:57:38Z")
Scylla wrote: > [@](#): > > Men don’t feel pressured to mutilate themselves by having their testicles enlarged with silicon implants in order to conform to an unrealistic “Ken-doll” standard. _cough_ Penile implants _cough_ ---
**Author:** ![soulsling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@soulsling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulsling)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/6 "2000-06-06T02:09:05Z")
Man. what is man? i once asked myself this very question. i even decided, i would become one if i joined the infantry. but as i matured, i learned, that what makes a man a MAN, is not the hunting, or the killing, nor the aggression we associate with testosterone, but the will and desire to grow strong in our lives, to explore our self made frontiers. To develop a deep understanding of responsibility, and practice our commitment to order and logic. To be able to say, “sorry hon, tonite i’m having a beer with the fellas down at insert name of tavern/bar here.” To be able to stand on your own two feet, and stay steady without faltering in this world through all it has to throw at you. A MAN is one who can develop a skill, practice a trade, support his friends and family when needed and unconditionally, teach the younger generations what responsibility is, be a role model for others to witness and learn from, overcome the obstacles life throws at him at every single turn, love passionately and loyally commit to his given word. That is what it is to be a man. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/7 "2000-06-06T02:22:30Z")
Right, but turning this into a discussion about how crappy it is to be a woman won’t explain what it means to be a man in a world where men’s traditional niche in society has eroded. Since women started entering the workforce and pursuing careers, men have had the onus upon them to take on more domestic responsibilities, which many have observed is not happening. A good part of the reason for this may well be that men are not accepted as homemakers and nurturers, not by traditional minds and not by feminists either. A woman who stays at home and does chores while her man works is assumed to be exploited. A man who stays at home and does chores while his woman works is assumed to be the exploiter. He’s a bum. And for a man to take care of the kids – the idea is the stuff of wacky commedies. Society doesn’t let a man be a man _and_ accept domestic duties. But if you want to tell your own son, if he should ask what life has in store for him, “You’ll be a philandering slob who will have it easy and be a burden on the woman you live with” then I suppose you won’t need any better definition of manhood than a list of gripes. But if you want to tell your kid what kind of virtues he should have as a man, what do you tell him? ---
**Author:** ![Feynman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/2acd7d/32.png) [@Feynman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynman)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/8 "2000-06-06T02:30:25Z")
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”; If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run - Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And - which is more - you’ll be a Man my son! ---
**Author:** ![PattyCake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9adbd/32.png) [@PattyCake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PattyCake)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/9 "2000-06-06T03:27:43Z")
Haven’t learned quoting yet, but Johnny Angel said: “A man who stays at home and does chores while his woman works is assumed to be the exploiter. He’s a bum. And for a man to take care of the kids–the idea is the stuff of wacky commedies. Society doesn’t let a man be a man and accept domestic duties.” Gosh, I hope you don’t think all women believe that! A good friend of mine from my last job left our office in order to stay home and raise his daughter. (He also does freelance work from home, contributing to the bills.) He’s my hero! Right now my husband and I share housework equally, since we both work full-time and are still without kids. But once it’s time for us to start a family, we’ll continue to act as a team, whether it’s one of us freelancing, or us choosing a daycare center together or whatever. What does it mean to be a man? In this example, the same as it means to be a woman: To be secure in yourself and in your choice of a partner, and to share responsibilities equally. ---
**Author:** ![mangeorge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d78d45/32.png) [@mangeorge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mangeorge)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/10 "2000-06-06T04:01:50Z")
## Without qualifiers, not much. From m-w; 1 a (1) : an individual human; especially : an adult male human. Jeffery Dauhmer, Adolph Hitler, Richard Ramiriz, Idi Amin. All men. Not good men, but men nevertheless. Just because these guys were/are assholes doesn’t mean we get to deny that they are of the same gender as we are. Peace, mangeorge ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/11 "2000-06-06T04:03:12Z")
It means you received a Y-chromosome from your father. This chromosome coded for mullerian inhibiting substance, which inhibited the development of the paramesonephric ducts into the uterus, fallopian tubes, and vagina. I’m studying too hard, aren’t I? Dr. J ---
**Author:** ![Sterra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Sterra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterra)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/12 "2000-06-06T06:13:00Z")
what about the XXY guys? One thing though, men in their prime in their 40’s? nooo thats just old:) ---
**Author:** ![Occam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Occam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Occam)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/13 "2000-06-06T06:21:43Z")
If only being a man was a more sought after goal. I really don’t think you can be a man until you have kids…and having kids doesn’t necessarily make you a man. Hear me out. I think at the root of being a real man is acting responsibily and doing what you have to for those you care for…and nothing can make you responsible like having a kid. Even a couple thats been maried for years can break up and there’s no real harm done…but add a child into the equation and you have a situation that needs serious contemplation. In short, I think being a good man is being a good father. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/14 "2000-06-06T06:44:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > what about the XXY guys? > \*\* You mean the ones with Klinefelter’s Syndrome? Who have a tall stature with long extremities, gynecomastia, and testicular atrophy? Who have a single Barr body? (I’m a MACHINE!) Dr. J ---
**Author:** ![junebeetle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@junebeetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/junebeetle)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/15 "2000-06-06T10:01:52Z")
The roles of men are changing as we speak. It’s becoming more and more acceptable for a man to stay home and care for the kids (although nowadays, both mom and dad have to work). Personally, I’d love to stay home with the kids if I ever get the opportunity (i.e. rich wife). But if social acceptability dictates whether or not you decide to stay at home with the kids, then perhaps you should consider growing a spine. A real man doesn’t care what people think — he’s perfectly willing to care for his brood if it suits him! Anyway, my idea of what it means to be a man is as follows: He is honest, loving and strong. He does not let the opinions of others sway him from following his true nature. He enjoys competition, although he is not overly aggressive or violent. He is able to exercise self-control in any situation and he rarely loses his temper. He is a hard worker. He is respected but not feared. He is courageous but not fearless. He is good to his spouse and his children. (For a good woman, replace “he” with “she”). You can make your own inferences about masculinity from the above. I don’t think being a good man involves liking sports and being able to fix a car. A good man can enjoy hair styling or interior decorating for all I care, as long as he is good at heart. Forget gender roles — we should all try to be good people before we worry about being good “men” or good “women”. -JB ---
**Author:** ![Needs2know](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5e925/32.png) [@Needs2know](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Needs2know)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/16 "2000-06-06T13:34:19Z")
Integrity…honesty…compassion…responsibility…these are some of the things that make one a decent person. If there are men out there who do not enjoy these traits…don’t call me castrating bitch because I do. Need2know ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/17 "2000-06-06T13:58:49Z")
Take your mind back - I don’t know when Sometime when it always seemed To be just us and them Girls that wore pink And boys that wore blue Boys that always grew up better men Than me and you What’s a man now - what’s a man mean Is he rough or is he rugged Is he cultural and clean Now it’s all change - it’s got to change more 'Cause we think it’s getting better But nobody’s really sure ``` And so it goes - go round again But now and then we wonder who the real men are ``` See the nice boys - dancing in pairs Golden earring golden tan Blow-wave in the hair Sure they’re all straight - straight as a line All the gays are macho Can’t you see their leather shine You don’t want to sound dumb - don’t want to offend So don’t call me a faggot Not unless you are a friend Then if you’re tall and handsome and strong You can wear the uniform and I could play along ``` And so it goes - go round again But now and then we wonder who the real men are ``` Time to get scared - time to change plan Don’t know how to treat a lady Don’t know how to be a man Time to admit - what you call defeat 'Cause there’s women running past you now And you just drag your feet Man makes a gun - man goes to war Man can kill and man can drink And man can take a whore Kill all the blacks - kill all the reds And if there’s war between the sexes Then there’ll be no people left ``` And so it goes - go round again But now and then we wonder who the real men are ``` - Joe Jackson, “Real Men,” from Night & Day ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/18 "2000-06-06T21:50:47Z")
Someone once defined (male) Masculine Energy as straight line Creative/Destructive (build things, break things) and (male) Feminine Energy as circular and Judgmental/Editorial (maybe the green couch should go by the Bay Window). This appears to apply (in my eyes and experience). Too much Feminine energy and you’re stuck doing nothing in fearful indecision. Too much masculine energy and you’re stuck in callus disregard for the impact of your actions as you build and break. Conceptually, a man is someone housed in a male body and composed of a majority (more than 50%) of masculine energy. I’ve found that it is also important for a man to spend time with other men be comfortable with his manhood and tending to his Masculine Energy. A Good Man is another topic completely… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/19 "2000-06-07T03:01:22Z")
> [@](#): > > Someone once defined (male) Masculine Energy as straight line Creative/Destructive (build things, break things) and (male) Feminine Energy as circular and Judgmental/Editorial (maybe the green couch should go by the Bay Window). To characterize this dividing line as masculine/feminine is artificial, reductive, and somewhat fatuous. Ironically, radically reductive models such as this will often be presented by some people in almost the same breath with which they renounce _reductionism_ as a supposedly male-and-therefore-destructive way of thinking. ---
**Author:** ![Boris\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@Boris\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boris_B)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2000, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501/20 "2000-06-07T06:30:13Z")
Way long ago, it was all pretty simple. There were plenty of things that only men could do, and plenty of things only women could do. This time ended before my formative years began. Once upon a time, I have a very simplistic view of what it meant to be a man. There was one thing men could do that women couldn’t. Ejaculate. And a very few things women could do that men couldn’t: have multiple orgasms, and bear children. Naturally, these last few barriers are being chipped away by Time. It is often asserted that men can have multiple orgasms; in my less paranoid moments I believe this to be something other than an attempt to add another item to the list of Things That All Men Can Do Except You. It is sometimes asserted that men, one day, will bear children. I have nothing to say on that one, other than, “amazing but inevitable”. And what of ejaculation, the Last Male Bastion (I laugh when people say it’s VMI or some political body … yeah right). Nope, women can do this to. It’s not understood by what mechanism, or to what end, but who am I too argue? I ran away from my last girlfriend, 1000 miles away, in the opening days of the Clinton Administration. Notwithstanding a few love relationships which withered on the vine, I’ve had very little romantic experience since then, and none of it involved female ejaculation. So, basically, it means nothing at all to be a man, except that your genetic material is incomplete, and it hurts worse when you get kicked in the groin. Also, you can be drafted. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/21501.md?page=2)