# What does it mean when someone keeps claiming they are "misunderstood"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 6, 2007, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013 "2007-05-06T19:57:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/1 "2007-05-06T19:57:58Z")
I’ve had two friends, on a girlfriend, the other just a friend, who have claimed I had “misperceptions” about them or that they felt “misunderstood.” From my POV, this seemed like they were trying to do damage control or be control freaks about their image. The supposed “misperceptions” had to do with my own opinions about them based on their demonstrated behavior or things they told me about themselves. (Note: I told them what I thought, but I did not spread it around; it was just between us.) As far as I’m concerned, it’s a sign of immaturity to act as if someone else’s personal opinion is a “misperception.” Anyone else agree? ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/2 "2007-05-06T20:11:18Z")
Could be. It could also be a sign of strength of character and self-esteem. ---
**Author:** ![Yag\_Rannavach](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/858c86/32.png) [@Yag\_Rannavach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yag_Rannavach)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/3 "2007-05-06T20:13:11Z")
I disagree. I would think it possible to actually misunderstand someone’s actions. Perhaps they’re making a UT map of their school, and the school’s administration misunderstands that to be a terrorist threat? Or, for something a little more likely, perhaps I see someone hit a small animal while driving. Now, I could ascribe the motive of “I hate small animals and must drive over them all”, or the motive “I really like small animals and would never drive over one if I had a choice” to their action. One of those two motives is real, the other is misunderstanding them. But…I’ve also heard the misunderstood thing thrown about by people who are clearly not misunderstood. Probably because it makes them feel special or unique or some such thing. Or it makes them feel better about a breakup “My SO just didn’t understand me” is easier to say than “My actions caused my SO to leave”. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/4 "2007-05-06T20:21:37Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] I’ve had two friends, on a girlfriend, the other just a friend, who have claimed I had “misperceptions” about them or that they felt “misunderstood.” From my POV, this seemed like they were trying to do damage control or be control freaks about their image. The supposed “misperceptions” had to do with my own opinions about them based on their demonstrated behavior or things they told me about themselves. (Note: I told them what I thought, but I did not spread it around; it was just between us.) As far as I’m concerned, it’s a sign of immaturity to act as if someone else’s personal opinion is a “misperception.” Anyone else agree? [/QUOTE] Well, if it’s a constant pattern of them being “misperceived”, then yeah. I think that person needs to examine themselves. But it _is_ possible to be misunderstood, because people do bring their prejudices and assumptions into interactions. I’ve had people make assumptions about me that go completely counter to what one, IMHO, _should_ expect if they really knew who I was. In that way, I feel like that person doesn’t really know me, or that they’ve totally misperceived who I am. Also, some people are really hard to read. They have weird senses of humor or unusual body language and you may think they’re feeling a certain way that they aren’t. Yeah, the onus is on them to communicate themselves better, but they wouldn’t be lying if they said they were being misunderstood. If people are always telling you that you’re misperceving them, it wouldn’t bother examining yourself. Just like sometimes people aren’t the best portraying their “true” selves, it is possible to be a poor reader of people. It isn’t fun being around someone with this handicap, lemme tell you. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/5 "2007-05-06T21:16:21Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] I’ve had two friends, on a girlfriend, the other just a friend, who have claimed I had “misperceptions” about them or that they felt “misunderstood.” From my POV, this seemed like they were trying to do damage control or be control freaks about their image. The supposed “misperceptions” had to do with my own opinions about them based on their demonstrated behavior or things they told me about themselves. (Note: I told them what I thought, but I did not spread it around; it was just between us.) As far as I’m concerned, it’s a sign of immaturity to act as if someone else’s personal opinion is a “misperception.” Anyone else agree? [/QUOTE] There’s no chance that you are misunderstanding them? ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/6 "2007-05-06T21:19:57Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] I’ve had two friends, on a girlfriend, the other just a friend, who have claimed I had “misperceptions” about them or that they felt “misunderstood.” From my POV, this seemed like they were trying to do damage control or be control freaks about their image. The supposed “misperceptions” had to do with my own opinions about them based on their demonstrated behavior or things they told me about themselves. (Note: I told them what I thought, but I did not spread it around; it was just between us.) As far as I’m concerned, it’s a sign of immaturity to act as if someone else’s personal opinion is a “misperception.” Anyone else agree? [/QUOTE] Could you be more specific? What demonstrated behaviour? What did you think it meant as opposed to what they say they meant by it? ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/7 "2007-05-06T21:35:32Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > The supposed “misperceptions” had to do with my own opinions about them based on their demonstrated behavior or things they told me about themselves. You could indeed, totally misconstrue one’s actions and even their own utterances. People that feel inadequate, will brag about their prowess. Bullies are often truly cowardly. Many, if not most, actors feel shy. The terminally vain, think they’re ugly. People who feel they have no control in their lives will be the most controlling folks you’ll ever encounter. And remember, the one person who will believe any lie we tell is ourself. So, if they are lying to themselves about who they are, how they see themselves and how you see them can be completely different. ---
**Author:** ![wendigo1974](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@wendigo1974](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wendigo1974)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/8 "2007-05-06T22:52:03Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] What does it mean when someone keeps claiming they are “misunderstood”? [/QUOTE] That people arn’t one dimensional. Your friends do stuff, not only the stuff that you see, but much more aswell. This is because, like you they are people and they will do a ream of things on a day to day basis. It’s almost like you cloned yourself, changed its sex, gave it its own identity and let it have its own life. People say they are misunderstood because they want to say ‘fuck off’ but don’t want to say that to a friend. There is alot of bottled up tension in this world and no guarantee you will achieve your dreams. There’s bound to be alot of misplaced anger knocking around. Have you toyed with the idea of asking your friends what the problem is and why they feel misunderstood in the first place? ---
**Author:** ![Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/c4cdca/32.png) [@Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quiddity_Glomfuster)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2007, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/9 "2007-05-06T23:49:38Z")
If you always think you are right about your perceptions of others, you’re a fool. As people have already explained, there are many, many ways to misunderstand people. I see it all the time; people ascribe motivations to others based on their own internal thoughts and beliefs, not on genuine knowledge of the others’ thoughts and beliefs. If you accuse someone of something and they tell you you’re wrong, you probably are. It’s a sign of egotism to think you know more about somebody else than that person does about herself. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/10 "2007-05-07T00:24:12Z")
My patients often claim that nearly everyone misunderstands them and their special circumstances, which made their behavior perfectly justifiable. Of course, all my patients are convicted felons. If someone claims to be misunderstood by a few people on a regular basis, or by many people in a certain limited circumstance, they could well be right. If someone claims to be constantly misunderstood by many people, I tend to think the problem is probably with said person’s behavior, and not with other people’s perceptions of it. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/11 "2007-05-07T00:45:38Z")
I do think some people use “being misunderstood” as a way of making themselves out to be enigmatic, complicated specimens. I once knew a guy who would say with pride, “People don’t really understand me”. It was annoying, even if it was true. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/12 "2007-05-07T00:54:01Z")
I think the Animals put it rather well: I’m just a soul whose intentions are good Oh Lord please don’t let me be misunderstood… ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/13 "2007-05-07T01:49:11Z")
😕 I can’t figure out why you don’t believe my lies? ---
**Author:** ![Grey\_area](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Grey\_area](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grey_area)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/14 "2007-05-07T02:20:34Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] As far as I’m concerned, it’s a sign of immaturity to act as if someone else’s personal opinion is a “misperception.” Anyone else agree? [/QUOTE] Don’t know about that but I think it’s a sign arrogance to assert one’s perception of someone is correct when told otherwise by that person. If that assertion is concerning something less than flattering about that person, then maybe your perception is actually closer to reality, but it’s not nice to point out people’s flaws. This is in general and the description you gave was a little vague so there’s a good chance what I said above doesn’t apply. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/15 "2007-05-07T02:26:10Z")
[QUOTE=IntelSoldier] Could be. It could also be a sign of strength of character and self-esteem. [/QUOTE] Definitely not the latter for one of these women. She was a mess, always trying to tell me that when she did things like lose her temper and scream at me it _really_ meant she was suffering some psychological trauma due to her angst at my seeing her inner blah blah etc. etc. whatever. The other one? Possibly, I didn’t get to know her well enough to really say what the state of her self-esteem was. I do know that we were friends for a while, and I told her that she seemed to have some internal anger at her upbringing. To me, saying this wasn’t a big deal; she and I both grew up poor with crazy parents, and suffered pretty severe depression. The praellels were pretty clear. As I told her, I felt much the same way she did about a lot of things, and I realized as time went on (I am 30, she is 20) that a lot of it was because of bottled up anger. I mentioned the old canard that depression is rage turned inward; even _she_ mentioned quite clearly some of the weird shit she had endured in life, how much she resented her mother, etc. We had a grand total of two conversations about this, and she didn’t seem to quite get what I was saying. She took it as vaguely insulting that I would think she was angry, and said she would “know” if she was, because angry people do such-and-such, and act so-and-so, etc. :dubious: Subsequently, she wrote on her blog that she felt many people had misperceptions about her that she didn’t feel like correcting, she didn’t like being nagged about things like this, that she felt judged, and no one would ever understand her like her old best friend, who has apparently absconded to Europe and is incommunicado. It was pretty clearly a “fuck off” aimed at me, as someone else has said. Our friendship is effectively ended. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/16 "2007-05-07T02:40:31Z")
I should add some other relevant details : - her older sister had been required to take anger management classes by none other than that paragon of pacifism the U.S. military; - she seemed to think that being “angry” would automatically entail being violent, as in, if she were really an angry person she would be hitting people and breaking things, etc. She said if she were really angry she would admit it; she seemed to think nobody’s analysis could be more correct than her own. Quote: “Anger is either there or it’s not. The only person who will ever know if he/she is truly angry is themself.” :dubious::dubious: The whole thing just kind of bugged me. I know I can come off as kind of pompous sometimes, but I had honestly just been trying to help. I thought sharing might provide some perspective. Somebody had done it once for me, and he’d turned out to be totally right. (Although come to think of it, I was later partially responsible for that guy losing his job. Perhaps this is not the kind of news ANYONE is grateful for the first time they hear it.) ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/17 "2007-05-07T02:44:52Z")
You’re going to have to be a little more specific if you want real answers, sir. All you’ve told us so far is that your friends think you are misperceiving them because of something you said. EDIT: Heh. I see you posted some clarification just minutes before I posted this. I’ll post again once I review… ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/18 "2007-05-07T02:48:04Z")
[QUOTE=Quiddity Glomfuster] If you accuse someone of something and they tell you you’re wrong, you probably are. It’s a sign of egotism to think you know more about somebody else than that person does about herself. [/QUOTE] Hmm. So I guess we can chuck the entire fields of psychology and psychiatry, then? After all, if their diagnoses disagree with what a person thinks of himself, then the diagnosis is what’s wrong, right? :rolleyes: And who said anything about “accusing”? ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/19 "2007-05-07T02:49:09Z")
[QUOTE=treis] There’s no chance that you are misunderstanding them? [/QUOTE] Compared to what? Like I said these were my _ **personal opinions.** _ ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/20 "2007-05-07T03:05:08Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] I told her that she seemed to have some internal anger at her upbringing. …She took it as vaguely insulting that I would think she was angry, and said she would “know” if she was, because angry people do such-and-such, and act so-and-so, etc. :dubious: [/QUOTE] Heh. I was definitely her (the second one), around age 20. There was something about how I was raised that made anger _completely out of the question_. I remember telling people I was \*never \* angry, and 100% believing myself. They may have been :dubious: , but not me. I was not lying, but I was in such I guess you would say denial, that I was 100% convinced of something untrue. I’m still not exactly sure how I changed and grew from that point. It was gradual. I think in some ways it has to do with feeling that you absolutely must stay in control of the situation, and anger will just distract you from staying safe in the midst of chaos. In your case, now that you’ve given more detail, for the first person it sounds like she meant “you think I am angry with you but actually I am sad, scared, disappointed in myself.” Perhaps she was all 4 of those things, and if you were not sensitive to the last 3, that probably bothered her. For the second one, see my first paragraph. Also, keep in mind that for women anger is a very socially unacceptable emotion. Kind of like telling a woman she is promiscuous, even if you personally are totally cool with that. You are telling her that she is something that Nice Girls Aren’t. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013.md?page=2)