# What does it mean when someone keeps claiming they are "misunderstood"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 6, 2007, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013 "2007-05-06T19:57:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/21 "2007-05-07T03:13:20Z")
[QUOTE=r4nd0mNumb3rs] Don’t know about that but I think it’s a sign arrogance to assert one’s perception of someone is correct when told otherwise by that person. If that assertion is concerning something less than flattering about that person, then maybe your perception is actually closer to reality, but it’s not nice to point out people’s flaws. [/QUOTE] I would just repeat what I said to **Quiddity Glomfuster**. It is nonsensical to say that people perceptions about themselves are more correct than those of an outsider. If that’s true, what do we need therapists for? Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. I didn’t consider myself to be pointing out a “flaw,” merely stating an easily observable fact that any intelligent person could divine. Obviously, she DID take it as me pointing out a flaw, but I’m not sure why, because as I said, I told her I was the same way _myself_ once. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/22 "2007-05-07T03:14:32Z")
[QUOTE=Harriet the Spry] For the second one, see my first paragraph. Also, keep in mind that for women anger is a very socially unacceptable emotion. Kind of like telling a woman she is promiscuous, even if you personally are totally cool with that. You are telling her that she is something that Nice Girls Aren’t. [/QUOTE] Huh. So you’re saying maybe I was right, but either hit too close to home, or didn’t soften what I was saying enough? ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/23 "2007-05-07T03:16:20Z")
Yeah, or maybe that the timing just wasn’t right for them to hear it. ETA: Also, in the case of the first woman, you were right, but maybe so was she–if she wasn’t only angry but other things also. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/24 "2007-05-07T03:33:05Z")
I think it’s inaccurate to call her immature for believing that you misunderstand her. You’re basically accusing her of the same thing (since you say she misinterpreted what you said). Does that make you immature? No. She’s immature because she probably couldn’t grasp what you were communicating. Expecting a 20-year-old to both understand repressed emotion and identify it in themselves is a steep order. So yeah, she’s immature, but not for the reason you think. She may also not have appreciated being psychoanalyzed. It’s one thing to swap war stories, but it’s another thing for someone to weave those stories into some kind of narrative. She may have felt like you were projecting your own experiences onto hers and it creeped her out. ---
**Author:** ![Grey\_area](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Grey\_area](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grey_area)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/25 "2007-05-07T03:35:43Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] I didn’t consider myself to be pointing out a “flaw,” merely stating an easily observable fact that any intelligent person could divine. Obviously, she DID take it as me pointing out a flaw, but I’m not sure why, because as I said, I told her I was the same way _myself_ once. [/QUOTE] Hey I was just going off of what you shared in the OP. I even said that what I wrote may not be applicable. You asked a general question so I gave a general answer. But anyway, I don’t get why she would be so upset that you thought she was ‘angry’. Maybe she took it as you thought she was angry while she had no reason to be. Something along the lines of “what are you so angry about?”, even if that wasn’t what you meant. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/26 "2007-05-07T04:59:33Z")
Although she has some misconceptions about anger, you are still not an authority on her feelings. Even if you are a therapist or a psychiatrist, your opinion is still just that. You may be absolutely right about her anger or you may be falling into the trap of projecting your own problems onto her. People are much too layered and complex to be summed up easily. She pulled rank on you which was her right. Meanwhile, I identify with you completely! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/27 "2007-05-07T05:50:37Z")
[QUOTE=Zoe] Meanwhile, I identify with you completely! 😛 [/QUOTE] 😕 How’s that?? ---
**Author:** ![Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/c4cdca/32.png) [@Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quiddity_Glomfuster)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/28 "2007-05-07T07:18:54Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] Hmm. So I guess we can chuck the entire fields of psychology and psychiatry, then? [/QUOTE] :rolleyes: Are you a trained and licensed psychologist or psychiatrist? No? Thought not. You’re just some joe schlub practicing pseudo psych on someone who didn’t ask you to analyze her. Hardly the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/29 "2007-05-07T11:28:53Z")
I don’t know about the women from the OP but I have a female relative who is fond of saying that she’s misunderstood. Usually after she says something evil and bitchy and the other person actually gets upset. Claiming that they took the comment the wrong way because people “never understand her” allows her to deflect guilt and instead become righteously indignant that they have the nerve to be angry with her. Generally she holds a grudge and continues to be angry at them for being angry with her longer than the victims hold on to their own anger! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/30 "2007-05-07T12:23:34Z")
[QUOTE=Quiddity Glomfuster] :rolleyes: Are you a trained and licensed psychologist or psychiatrist? No? Thought not. You’re just some joe schlub practicing pseudo psych on someone who didn’t ask you to analyze her. Hardly the same thing. [/QUOTE] And you’re the one throwing around insults and completely off-topic assumptions about matters based on nothng more than an almost willfull misreading of what I said. Fact 1- I never claimed to be a psychologist; Fact 2- I never claimed to “know more about her than she does herself” Fact 3 - I never accused her of anything, nor did I “analyze her,” Fact 4 - I made very clear to her that I was comparing her and myself based on obvious and easily recognizable similarities, the kind anyone would notice who knew as much about us both as I did. ---
**Author:** ![Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/c4cdca/32.png) [@Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quiddity_Glomfuster)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/31 "2007-05-07T13:50:55Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] Fact 1- I never claimed to be a psychologist; [/quote] You did, however, invoke psychologists in response to my remark. > [@](#): > > Fact 2- I never claimed to “know more about her than she does herself” Um, hello? Reread your first post. You may not ‘claim’ to do so, but everything you wrote infers that you think you do. > [@](#): > > Fact 3 - I never accused her of anything, nor did I “analyze her,” Suggesting that anger is an issue for her and why is indeed ‘analyzing her’ Fact 4 - I made very clear to her that I was comparing her and myself based on obvious and easily recognizable similarities, the kind anyone would notice who knew as much about us both as I did. [/QUOTE] You didn’t make that very clear to us in your previous posts. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/32 "2007-05-07T15:31:34Z")
Owning your actions, good or bad is a function of maturity. Lots of people mistake their intentions for their actions. Or believe their intentions should mitigate their actions, when misunderstood. So often people say, “I didn’t intend for that to happen,”. Maturity is about owning the action and it’s consequences whatever your intentions. Actions do speak louder than words. And if you find yourself often thinking someone’s behaviour is out of character for them take another look. It could be that you are seeing them through your own perception of them. When, in fact, their actions have been telling you all along who they really are. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/33 "2007-05-07T15:54:30Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] Fact 1- I never claimed to be a psychologist; Fact 2- I never claimed to “know more about her than she does herself” Fact 3 - I never accused her of anything, nor did I “analyze her,” Fact 4 - I made very clear to her that I was comparing her and myself based on obvious and easily recognizable similarities, the kind anyone would notice who knew as much about us both as I did. [/QUOTE] So… What you’re saying is that you’re misunderstood? ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/34 "2007-05-07T17:07:01Z")
[QUOTE=Quiddity Glomfuster] If you accuse someone of something and they tell you you’re wrong, you probably are. It’s a sign of egotism to think you know more about somebody else than that person does about herself. [/QUOTE] If you ever become a judge, something tells me you will be _wildly_ popular with criminal defendants and their attorneys. If the question is “what are you thinking right now,” I trust that the person asked is the best expert available to answer. If it’s “what were you doing at 7:00 p.m. on the night of the 21st,” well… sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren’t, depending on what other information is available. I’m often misunderstood myself, but I think it’s because I tend to mumble. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2007, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/35 "2007-05-07T21:27:37Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] So… What you’re saying is that you’re misunderstood? [/QUOTE] No, I think Quiddity Glomfuster’s follow-up responses make pretty clear her goals, and trying to understand me is not one of them. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2007, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/36 "2007-05-10T02:48:06Z")
[QUOTE=Quiddity Glomfuster] If you always think you are right about your perceptions of others, you’re a fool. As people have already explained, there are many, many ways to misunderstand people. I see it all the time; people ascribe motivations to others based on their own internal thoughts and beliefs, not on genuine knowledge of the others’ thoughts and beliefs. If you accuse someone of something and they tell you you’re wrong, you probably are. It’s a sign of egotism to think you know more about somebody else than that person does about herself. [/QUOTE] OJ? Is that you? ---
**Author:** ![Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/c4cdca/32.png) [@Quiddity\_Glomfuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quiddity_Glomfuster)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2007, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/37 "2007-05-10T02:54:30Z")
[QUOTE=Larry Borgia] OJ? Is that you? [/QUOTE] Huh? That’s pretty much one of the most senseless replies I’ve ever seen. ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2007, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013/38 "2007-05-10T12:30:12Z")
[QUOTE=Quiddity Glomfuster] If you always think you are right about your perceptions of others, you’re a fool. As people have already explained, there are many, many ways to misunderstand people. I see it all the time; people ascribe motivations to others based on their own internal thoughts and beliefs, not on genuine knowledge of the others’ thoughts and beliefs. If you accuse someone of something and they tell you you’re wrong, you probably are. It’s a sign of egotism to think you know more about somebody else than that person does about herself. [/QUOTE] I agree with others that this train of thought is truly naive. We all spend our lives trying to be understood by others and to understand our own motives (or perhaps, we _should_). We will never fully succeed on either count. The unconscious mind sure has a lot of explaining to do - but don’t hold your breath. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-keeps-claiming-they-are-misunderstood/403013.md?page=1)