# What does "showing respect" to your SO mean? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798 "2011-02-09T20:13:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/21 "2011-02-09T20:49:02Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Examples: > > 1. She likes shiny things (like jewelry,) and when we go shopping, she always is attracted to a crowd of people around a table. She also always spends hours and hours making the bed. So, I call her a bird, since her behavior is like a pigeon. > > 2. We got an air bed to replace the futon on our couch. When she sits on it, I rise up about 6 inches. So, I call her “stone butt.” > > 3. The other day, I called her “honey,” and she said it was the first time (she has memory issues.) So, I said I’d make a new sweety nickname for her: poop bird. She retorted: Why don’t you just call me stone bird? Not to burst your bubble but your wise ass remarks suck. Rossanne Barr you are not. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/22 "2011-02-09T20:49:20Z")
The name calling thing would bother me and I have a thick skin. Of course you can call you buddies “dick head” and they are probably fine with it and give their own back. Your wife doesn’t play that game so it would be respectful to only use nice names. **Shakes** said what I’m too nice to say. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/23 "2011-02-09T20:51:25Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Public humiliation is a hard emotion to deal with, and hard to forgive someone for causing it. If you know you have trouble recognizing where the line is, I’d make a resolution to just never, ever, ever say anything negative about her in front of anyone else. Yep, I learned this one early on. The problem though is now I’m afraid to say anything because she might get offended, which causes problems when we’re talking to a loan officer or store manager. Thanks for the post, you had a lot of good points in there. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/24 "2011-02-09T20:52:26Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Not to burst your bubble but your wise ass remarks suck. Rossanne Barr you are not. Timing is key. 😃 I gave the Wiki version, the long version is like Shakespeare. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/25 "2011-02-09T20:54:09Z")
When you tease her like that, does she laugh? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/26 "2011-02-09T20:55:29Z")
What a lot of people said. Whether or not it’s disrespectful depends almost entirely on whether or not that’s what she _wants_. I don’t care if I’m teased or poked fun at, and like to poke at my loved ones, but I’m not your wife. If she doesn’t like it, and the relationship requires her “learning how to put up with it,” it’s disrespectful to continue doing it. I’m glad you’re knocking it off. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/27 "2011-02-09T20:55:39Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > To \*\*Superhal \*\*- I suggest you treat your spouse as you would treat your favorite grandmother. That’s what is meant by “respect”. Egad. I don’t think I’d say that. When you’re interacting with someone you like or love, that liking or that love should be something the other person can hear in your words, or feel in your treatment of them. It’s not a matter of showing off our wit all the time, of being a non-stop joke machine, but of hearing what the other person is saying and having conversations, not standup routines. Funny is great! But a lot of times it isn’t warm. So much humor is built upon somebody being stupid, or inferior, or fat, or crazy. It doesn’t have to be. Humor can actually build up instead of tearing down, but funny people aren’t always kind people. Manda JO is right about admiration versus contempt. I think that goes into what I was trying to get at about liking. Like people. Show them you like them, demonstrate your liking via your actions and your words, and most people will feel it and respond to it. Be cutting and mocking, even if you do like the person, and most people will feel cut and mocked. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/28 "2011-02-09T20:56:44Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > My grandmother tried to kill my pregnant mother while in a state of dementia. > > I need examples people, I didn’t have a great home life. …now were getting somewhere… It sounds like maybe you did not have any role models for respectful treatment growing up. That is unfortunate. I tried to provide an easy softball model (favorite grandmother) that most of us would readily understand. So, let’s look farther afield. Is there someone in your life, growing up, that you wouldn’t dream of calling “poop butt” (and not out of fear)? Y’know, a favorite teacher, coach, troop leader, older kid, etc.? Treat your spouse like that. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/29 "2011-02-09T20:57:14Z")
I don’t know; I solved the problem by marrying someone who has a VERY similar (read: dry and sarcastic) sense of humor. Yeah, every once in a while one of us goes to far and hurts the other’s feelings, which we can usually resolve with a “hey, that hurt my feelings” and an apology. Usually, though, it’s constant banter back and forth of mock outrage. A lot of people wouldn’t like it, and my mother is horrified, but it is one solution. Assuming you want to stay with your wife, however, my husband and I have made some efforts to use different strategies with the sarcasm-impaired while not boring ourselves to death. First, if you want to make a cutting joke, make it self-deprecating. It’s pretty easy to do, and it keeps the other person from thinking you’re taking potshots at them. Second, if you find that somewhat cutting comments occasionally slip out, make sure you’re equally impulsive with praise. Whenever you think the slightest positive thing about her, just blurt it out. Maintaining a high ratio of nice things to mean ones makes the mean ones a lot more tolerable. Finally, make a deliberate effort to cultivate a sense of humor that doesn’t result in insults. This one is a lot of work, but thinking random silly things, grinning at the things around you, and cracking plain “fun” jokes can go a long way toward satisfying your need for humor without offending anyone. (Or, like us, you can play video games online and get a lot of it out of your system in a forum where trash talking is practically expected.) ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/30 "2011-02-09T20:58:33Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > When you tease her like that, does she laugh? Nope. Is that a bad sign? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/31 "2011-02-09T21:00:01Z")
If you want to keep some of your sense of humor, would it help perhaps if you aimed some of the barbs at yourself? If you do something like pop her into the air when you sit on the airbed, ask her if she likes having a “stone butt husband” and offer up other suggestions for things you could do around the house, like being a paperweight. If you could be very lovey and smiling while you do it, that will help reinforce that you are just being silly, and she may accept some gentle teasing in time. If you do tease her a little, find something that matches/complements the joke but about yourself, and essentially jokingly lament about how she may be a bird pecking at pretty things, but you are a bat blind to her goodness/a donkey braying nonsense/whatever, and thus clueless about what a jewel she is, and oh how can she stand such a husband, etc. Preferably paired with something that might make her giggle, like you acting out the part or threatening to tickle. And don’t pull this all the time. There are times when you need to be openly honest and compliment her, without joking. It needs to be pursued carefully, though; some women, different culture or no, may find a mocking-type behavior to just be too hurtful. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/32 "2011-02-09T21:00:12Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > …now were getting somewhere… > > It sounds like maybe you did not have any role models for respectful treatment growing up. That is unfortunate. > > I tried to provide an easy softball model (favorite grandmother) that most of us would readily understand. So, let’s look farther afield. Is there someone in your life, growing up, that you wouldn’t dream of calling “poop butt” (and not out of fear)? Y’know, a favorite teacher, coach, troop leader, older kid, etc.? Treat your spouse like that. My best friend’s parents, I suppose. I was always careful when visiting their house, asked about what they wanted when I wasn’t sure (e.g. when to take off shoes,) and I spoke to them very carefully. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/33 "2011-02-09T21:03:53Z")
My husband has a very similar sense of humor, **Superhal**. We approached this in 2 ways, the first being that if he makes a joke and I don’t respond to it positively he is to stop with the joke right then and there. Also, if he thinks or says out loud, “Come on, that was funny!” that is to be a sign to him that what he said was not, in fact, funny at all and he needs to stop making that joke. He also apologizes when he feels like he might have pushed something too far. I met him from the other side and will make jokes with him about things that are funny, even if it means being a little insulting. I will occasionally make jokes or laugh at jokes he makes about things that aren’t funny if they aren’t hurtful simply because I know it makes him happy. I make a point of having a funny joke to tell him or a funny song I made up for him at least once a week so that he knows I appreciate him and his humor even if he does sometimes take it too far. I am currently putting together his 30th birthday party and we are having a roast of **mr pbbth** because he will think people making fun of him for 2 hours is fucking hilarious even though it means I will probably get raked through the coals a little bit because it will make him so happy. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/34 "2011-02-09T21:09:47Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > When you tease her like that, does she laugh? > [@Superhal](#): > > Nope. Is that a bad sign? Yes. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/35 "2011-02-09T21:11:59Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Nope. Is that a bad sign? Well, I’m no expert on relationships or anything like that, but I’d say that if she reacts with anything other than obvious good-natured amusement then yes, it could well be a bad sign. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/36 "2011-02-09T21:13:42Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > My best friend’s parents, I suppose. I was always careful when visiting their house, asked about what they wanted when I wasn’t sure (e.g. when to take off shoes,) and I spoke to them very carefully. That’s a start - The point of this is not to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells, just to try to break a negative habit. It will help get you and your spouse on even ground to move forward. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/37 "2011-02-09T21:14:12Z")
In our marriage, showing respect for one another is all about treating one another in the manner we know the other _wants_ to be treated. For instance, my hubby is very low-maintenance, but he hates when he gets out of the shower and there’s not a clean towel within easy reach (and he never thinks to look _before_ he gets in the shower); he also really doesn’t like it when he goes to fix himself a soda and there are none of his favorite glasses clean (I know that makes him sound like a diva, but we have about a dozen of those glasses!); as a result, I try to make sure, when he’s home, that there are plenty of clean towels on the shelf in the bathroom, and plenty of clean glasses. OTOH, little gifts mean nothing to him, but they mean a lot to me. As a result, he will frequently bring me little tokens home (“I saw this steak at the grocery store, and it was on sale and looked awesome! I thought you’d enjoy it for lunch tomorrow!”); and while I never complain about him leaving dirty dishes in the living room or bedroom, it makes me _insane_ when milk glasses are left, because even if it doesn’t sour, the milk often leaves a ring in the bottom of the glass that is a major PITA to get out. After making this clear to him a couple of times, he rarely leaves milk glasses out, he puts them in the sink. When he _does_ leave one somewhere, and I point it out to him, I get a sincere apology. That’s respect. Of course, at the root of this, is communication. It wouldn’t help at all if he said nothing about the lack of clean towels in easy reach, stewed about it for years, and then got all pissed off. Likewise, not helpful if I just swallow my hatred of the milk glasses being left about, then just lost it one day. If something is bothering you, you have to _say_ something about it. It’s not hard if you catch it early. Something like “Oh, by the way, honey, I don’t mind gathering your dirty dishes out of the living room, but milk glasses, unless they go right in the sink, are _really_ hard to clean, so I’d really appreciate it if you’d put them right in the sink!” This is reinforced by reminding him a couple of times when he forgets, and thanking him when he remembers. It works both ways, too. When he notices I’ve gone to some effort to make sure something is the way he likes it, he thanks me. Respect. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/38 "2011-02-09T21:15:06Z")
If you use the kind of humor that’s a) an insult and b) funny, but she’s not laughing, then it’s just an unfunny insult. That is indeed disrespectful. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/39 "2011-02-09T21:17:28Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > The problem I think is not so much _showing_ contempt, as it is _having_ contempt. Bingo. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/40 "2011-02-09T21:23:53Z")
Read this book: [http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Say-That-Me/dp/0471003999/ref=sr\_1\_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297286348&sr=8-1](http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Say-That-Me/dp/0471003999/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297286348&sr=8-1) It will help you see the difference between teasing and verbal abuse. It sounds to me like you’ve crossed the line without knowing it. I read it many years ago, because I wanted to learn how to deal with my evil boss. It turned out that I also saw myself in it, and I needed to change a great deal about how I comminucated, and especially how I joked. I still re-read it every couple of years, and almost always find that I’m slipping back into bad habits. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798.md?page=3)