# What does "showing respect" to your SO mean? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798 "2011-02-09T20:13:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![TheMerchandise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b487fb/32.png) [@TheMerchandise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMerchandise)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/101 "2011-02-11T19:41:20Z")
> [@The\_Weird\_One](#): > > My fiance and I tease each other, but only about things that we know the other person has a sense of humor about. For instance, he’ll tease me about being a “corn-fed Midwesterner,” but has never made a crack about my weight, even though I’m rather large. I’ll tease him about being raised Catholic, but not about his driving skills, even if he did dent the fender twice in the same spot. > > I’m going to borrow an analogy I heard a couple years ago. Think of all the things that make a person who they are as pillars of a building, and their sense of self as the roof. Some of the pillars are just decorative - they make the building more attractive and interesting, but they’re not vital. Other pillars are structural. They support the weight of the roof, and without them, the roof would collapse. Most people have aspects of themselves that they hold lightly and can laugh about, and other aspects that they hold dear and expect others to treat seriously. When you’re teasing someone, it’s important to only hit the decorative pillars, not the structural ones. People who are naturally self-deprecating have very few structural pillars and easily appreciate good-natured teasing; people who take themselves very seriously have almost nothing but structural pillars and rarely see the humor in themselves. > > We also do less teasing than we do appreciating. When he does something nice, I make sure to thank him. Even if it’s something I expect him to do anyway, like take the trash out on Tuesdays. If he makes dinner, I compliment the food. He’s equally appreciative of the work I do. We make sure that we don’t take each other for granted. Because we give each other lots of earnest thanks and compliments, we know that the teasing and insults are just in jest. It’s like putting a thick padding down on the floor of that building so that when we knock the pillars down, they bounce back up instead of breaking. I think this is my favorite SDMB post ever. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/102 "2011-02-11T19:55:44Z")
> [@TheMerchandise](#): > > I think this is my favorite SDMB post ever. Wait, really? :o I’m flattered, thank you! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/103 "2011-02-11T19:57:05Z")
> [@The\_Weird\_One](#): > > Wait, really? :o I’m flattered, thank you! It was a nice one. 🙂 I would also like to second the “thank-you” and “please” comments. I have heard too often sentiments along the lines of, “Why should I have to thank him? It’s his job!” That may be, but saying thank-you never hurt anyone, IMO. I have always said civility makes the world go 'round, or at least greases its wheels. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/104 "2011-02-11T22:41:07Z")
> [@cjepson](#): > > Did **Superhal** ever actually say he didn’t want to stop telling the jokes? I interpreted his recent post to mean “I already get it that I should dial back on the jokes; I’m looking for a wider range of suggestions.” Well, yes, he did: [QUOTE=superhal] I AM looking for examples and illustrations about how to show respect that DO NOT include changing the way I tell jokes. [/QUOTE] He doesn’t want to change the way he tells jokes, despite the fact that his wife has been telling him for years that they’re hurtful to her. It is impossible to be respectful toward a person and continue to constantly make fun of them in ways they hate. The two do not go together. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/105 "2011-02-11T23:56:22Z")
I’ll add this book to your list: [Recovering Love](http://www.amazon.com/Recovering-Love-Codependency-Dr-Cookerly/dp/0595196233/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1297467299&sr=1-2) It will give you some ideas on healthy ways of showing love. I can understand that you don’t want to stop making jokes, and that you want other ways of showing respect. It’s a lot easier to see these things in action because they can be subtle - the difference between lovingly telling someone that they are worthless, and lovingly telling someone that they have worth despite their faults can be microscopic in breadth, but an ocean apart in effect. Still, I must also say something about your humor. You may not have meant anything by what you’ve related here, but these are still insults. I’ve heard that you have to say at least seven compliments for every insult that you say in a relationship. I know (having experienced it myself and seen it in others) that insults, no matter how much love you put behind them, are destructive - destructive to the recipient and destructive to her feelings for you. If you get the book that I recommended above, Dr. Cookerly talks about the different ways of showing love. It’s my belief that each of these ways of showing love have an antithetical behavior that destroys love, and that insults are the antithesis of loving words. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/106 "2011-02-12T04:03:31Z")
Here’s a clue, if it was funny, she’d be laughing. If she’s not laughing or smiling along, it’s not funny, knock it off. What do you think it’s teaching your children to speak in this fashion? It ain’t rocket science. I can’t bear to be around people like you, personally. I find it an insult to my intelligence to think I don’t understand what you’re really saying, (something disrespectful). That somehow it’s okay for you to pretend you don’t understand the nuance of your words, just because you find it amusing. We have lots of teasing and humor in my home, but we somehow manage without being disrespectful to each other. Like not calling each other names, would be a good place to start. That your humor revolves around being ignorant to someone you’re supposed to love, tells me you’re not doing it right. It’s not edgy and it doesn’t make you seem clever. I double dog dare you to ask her female friends, who have witnessed your ‘humor’ in action, if they ever think it’s too much, find it offensive or would put up with like treatment, from someone they love, (make sure you tell them to be completely honest, you won’t be offended). Honestly though, if you didn’t get it when she told you straight out, I doubt you’re going to. But, I applaud your efforts notwithstanding. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/107 "2011-02-12T18:35:08Z")
> [@The\_Weird\_One](#): > > Wait, really? :o I’m flattered, thank you! That’s a pretty insightful way of looking at things. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/108 "2011-02-12T19:42:49Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > It was a nice one. 🙂 > > I would also like to second the “thank-you” and “please” comments. I have heard too often sentiments along the lines of, “Why should I have to thank him? It’s his job!” That may be, but saying thank-you never hurt anyone, IMO. I have always said civility makes the world go 'round, or at least greases its wheels. That’s a good point, too, that often gets overlooked. Some people treat their spouses with the least respect of anyone they know, because they think their spouse is committed and will stick around no matter what, so they don’t have to mind their manners with them. I disagree with that idea; pleases and thank-yous still go a long way with people you’re comfortable with. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2011, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/109 "2011-02-14T15:25:57Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > pleases and thank-yous They really are magic words! ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2011, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/110 "2011-02-14T16:11:06Z")
When you backhand her across the face, be thoughtful and don’t use the hand with the big metal ring on it. More seriously: does she ever say things that put herself down or minimize her accomplishments? My wife sometimes does, and I make a point of countering those (although as honestly as I can). Case in point: years ago, she “pulled” some baby parakeets (took them from the mother, who wasn’t taking care of them) and learned how to take care of them herself. Two of them died (one did so before she pulled them), but the third lived. Recently we were talking about that third bird, whom we still have, and my wife said “I was so ignorant when the babies were born, I didn’t even know they needed our help , and most of them died.” I countered: “Nobody else knew what to do – _you_ stepped up. You saved Scritch’s life. You did the right thing even though it was hard.” She knows she’s too hard on herself, but she can’t always help it. Sometimes she brushes my praise off and still feels bad, but there are times I can see real gratitude for a moment and I know I really helped her. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2011, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/111 "2011-02-14T16:39:11Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > …pleases and thank-yous still go a long way with people you’re comfortable with. I’d say they’re even _more_ important with spouses. Consider: You meet an impolite person on the street. It’s unpleasant, but you go your separate ways and then it’s just a memory. You live with an impolite person. Evey day, you wake up to the same unpleasantness, and it’s really hard to leave. Which is worse? ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2011, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/112 "2011-02-14T18:53:07Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > Well, yes, he did: > > He doesn’t want to change the way he tells jokes, despite the fact that his wife has been telling him for years that they’re hurtful to her. It is impossible to be respectful toward a person and continue to constantly make fun of them in ways they hate. The two do not go together. You’re probably right, but you may be reading something into his statement that he didn’t actually intend. It’s possible that he was saying, “OK, forty-seven people have already told me to dial back on the teasing. I get it. I don’t need any more of that; what I want now is advice on other ways to show respect.” Maybe I’m giving him more credit than he deserves, but he did say in the OP that he asked his wife if his teasing offended her, she said yes, he apologized, and vowed to find ways of showing respect. I agree with you that if he is in fact unwilling to make any change in his joking, then he’s not really on board yet. I’m just not sure that that’s been established beyond a doubt. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2011, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/113 "2011-02-14T19:14:44Z")
I don’t understand why the OP wants or needs more than “respect your wife’s boundaries already.” ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2011, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/114 "2011-02-14T19:32:39Z")
Because he thinks it’s snappy repartee, clever wordplay, all in good fun, just his twisted sense of humor. He doesn’t seem to get that it’s an insult, not just to his own intelligence, but the intelligence of everyone within earshot, to think he doesn’t understand the nuance or subtext of his remarks. We’ve all known people like this. When called on their crap the inevitable come back is, “It was joke!”, “What happen to your sense of humor?”, or the like. No thanks, life is too short to spend time around people like this, in my opinion. I really hope **cjepson’s** take on this is accurate, but it’s pretty rare for a leopard to change it’s spots. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/115 "2011-02-15T02:39:50Z")
Wow, looks like the feminazi’s moved in when I wasn’t looking. To clarify: I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I work with my wife constantly about how to change my joke telling style, topics, and timing. I have it to a point where everybody is happy. OUTSIDE of telling jokes, not telling jokes, changing the way I tell jokes, joking, teasing, insulting, sarcasm, etc. etc. etc. HOW DO YOU SHOW RESPECT? HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND? Update: I’m trying the compliment thing as mentioned in this thread with interesting results. Everybody knows it’s a lie but everybody feels better. I never would have thought it would work. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/116 "2011-02-15T02:44:10Z")
Feminazis? This has nothing to do with feminism. We’d be answering the same way if you were addressing a male partner this way who didn’t seem to be enjoying it. Based on what you’ve posted, it isn’t just that your jokes are mean. They’re not funny. Why are you so attached to them? Also, why do you feel your complimenting your wife is a lie? Do you not have anything genuinely complimentary to say to her? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/117 "2011-02-15T02:50:30Z")
What **Freudian Slit** said. It does seem to be a trait that shows up more in guys, that they think their lame, hackneyed, corny old jokes are funny, but I don’t think we’re ragging on you because you’re a male chauvinist pig or anything. Compliments aren’t lies; compliments can BE lies, if you just make up shit to say to people, but it is completely possible to give people true compliments. For example, you do a very nice job of putting spaces in your posts, **Superhal.** 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/118 "2011-02-15T03:10:54Z")
Still think he’s just a misunderstood sweetheart, **cjepson**? ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/119 "2011-02-15T03:20:18Z")
Respect in this specific case: divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/120 "2011-02-15T03:49:00Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > Still think he’s just a misunderstood sweetheart, **cjepson**? He said he worked on the jokes to the point where everyone is happy. There’s no reason not to take his word on this. Now it sounds to me like he’s looking for more ways to show his wife respect. I see nothing wrong with that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798.md?page=7)