# What does "showing respect" to your SO mean? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798 "2011-02-09T20:13:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/121 "2011-02-15T03:52:56Z")
Yeah, except for earlier in the thread he asked if it was bad that his wife never laughs at his jokes. I’m thinking not everyone is happy. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/122 "2011-02-15T04:16:07Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > This morning, I asked her if she took my teasing as “showing contempt” or disrespect. She vehemently agreed. I apologized, and vowed to learn how to show respect. The OP said his wife thinks his teasing is disrespect. I have no idea why he’d want to continue doing it. Especially since his idea of a good joke is “poop bird.” Not exactly Wilde-esque… ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/123 "2011-02-15T05:52:38Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Because he thinks it’s snappy repartee, clever wordplay, all in good fun, just his twisted sense of humor. > > He doesn’t seem to get that it’s an insult, not just to his own intelligence, but the intelligence of everyone within earshot, to think he doesn’t understand the nuance or subtext of his remarks. > > We’ve all known people like this. When called on their crap the inevitable come back is, “It was joke!”, “What happen to your sense of humor?”, or the like. No thanks, life is too short to spend time around people like this, in my opinion. I was once in a serious relationship with someone like this, in fact it was my first one, and it wasn’t until years later that I realized why I was so glad when it ended. I realized it when he left a message on my answering machine, but first he made sure to make fun of my outgoing message. My eyes were opened; I didn’t call him back, and we haven’t spoken since. [QUOTE=Superhal] Wow, looks like the feminazi’s moved in when I wasn’t looking. To clarify: I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I work with my wife constantly about how to change my joke telling style, topics, and timing. I have it to a point where everybody is happy. [/QUOTE] Yeah, I’ll bet you’re a real laff riot. I don’t put up with people like you in my life any more. Roddy ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/124 "2011-02-15T08:55:33Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > To clarify: I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I work with my wife constantly about how to change my joke telling style, topics, and timing. I have it to a point where everybody is happy. Is she laughing? ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/125 "2011-02-15T09:49:25Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Wow, looks like the feminazi’s moved in when I wasn’t looking. > > To clarify: I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I work with my wife constantly about how to change my joke telling style, topics, and timing. I have it to a point where everybody is happy. > > OUTSIDE of telling jokes, not telling jokes, changing the way I tell jokes, joking, teasing, insulting, sarcasm, etc. etc. etc. HOW DO YOU SHOW RESPECT? HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND? > > Update: I’m trying the compliment thing as mentioned in this thread with interesting results. Everybody knows it’s a lie but everybody feels better. I never would have thought it would work. If you’re calling people “feminazis” because they don’t find your jokes funny, then I doubt that everybody is happy. If she’s told you that something hurts her, or she feels it’s disrespectful, then you stop the behavior. Completely. This applies to every behavior. You don’t modify the behavior and assume that she’s OK with it. You can ask her if she’d be OK with the behavior . But you don’t ever assume that she’s OK with something, and you don’t ever assume that you know more about what she likes and dislikes than she does. Aren’t you the guy who said that women don’t know what they want? Because that shows a huge disrespect for the whole female half of the species. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/126 "2011-02-15T10:49:54Z")
People, people - ‘feminazi’ is one of **Hal’s** jokes!! Really - hilarious, right?? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/127 "2011-02-15T11:14:40Z")
> [@Lynn Bodoni](#): > > If she’s told you that something hurts her, or she feels it’s disrespectful, then you stop the behavior. Completely. Exactly. What really gets me about the OP’s whole “don’t tell me to stop telling the jokes” is this: He _asked_ his wife if she found the jokes hurtful or offensive, and she said yes. And _he still won’t stop doing it_. Now, if he was ‘joking’ in a way she found hurtful, and she didn’t tell him that, and he kept doing it, you might be able to accuse him of cluelessness. If he _didn’t_ ask her, but she _told_ him she found the jokes offensive and he kept doing it, that might be disrespectful. But to flat-out say “Does this behavior bother/offend/hurt you? Yes? OK, well, I’m not going to change it”. That goes beyond disrespect, all the way to contempt. I mean, why the hell would you ask someone if your behavior bothers them if you have _no intention_ of changing the behavior, regardless of the answer? The only reason I can think of for asking, under those circumstances, is so you can now be on a power trip every time you continue to engage in the behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/128 "2011-02-15T11:20:49Z")
In other words, he’s just another run-of-the-mill bully. ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/129 "2011-02-15T11:37:51Z")
I would genuinely like to know the answer to that question, actually. **Superhal** , why did you ask your wife whether the jokes bother her if you didn’t intend to stop telling them or change the way you tell them? ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/130 "2011-02-15T12:33:19Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Wow, looks like the feminazi’s moved in when I wasn’t looking. > > To clarify: I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I work with my wife constantly about how to change my joke telling style, topics, and timing. I have it to a point where everybody is happy. > > OUTSIDE of telling jokes, not telling jokes, changing the way I tell jokes, joking, teasing, insulting, sarcasm, etc. etc. etc. HOW DO YOU SHOW RESPECT? HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND?.. Here are a couple of specific tips: 1) if someone says something that is slightly critical of you, don’t compare them to nazis; 2) when people tell you what you don’t want to hear, don’t shout at them and ask in all caps why we don’t understand. Take a minute and ask yourself if maybe you don’t understand and if maybe you’re not really that funny. It seems like you want you want advice on how to change your wife’s opinion of you without changing any of your own behavior. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/131 "2011-02-15T13:22:03Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Wow, looks like the feminazi’s moved in when I wasn’t looking. > > To clarify: I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I work with my wife constantly about how to change my joke telling style, topics, and timing. I have it to a point where everybody is happy. > > OUTSIDE of telling jokes, not telling jokes, changing the way I tell jokes, joking, teasing, insulting, sarcasm, etc. etc. etc. HOW DO YOU SHOW RESPECT? HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND? > > Update: I’m trying the compliment thing as mentioned in this thread with interesting results. Everybody knows it’s a lie but everybody feels better. I never would have thought it would work. Jeebus H. Christ on a diesel-powered T-Rex, dude. ONE OF THE PRIME WAYS TO SHOW RESPECT IS TO NOT DO THINGS YOU **KNOW** SOMEONE FINDS DISRESPECTFUL AND HURTFUL. HOW HARD IS **THAT** TO UNDERSTAND? In short, if she ain’t laughing at your jokes, she’s not happy with them. Also, thirding or whatever the WTF do you mean your compliments are lies? Pro tip: If you really, truly cannot find something both truthful and kind to say about someone, that’s because you don’t like or respect them. People you like and respect have, ya know, good qualities that you can comment on. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/132 "2011-02-15T13:36:58Z")
I think bully is too strong a word, myself. It denotes a position of strength or power, this sort of thing is much lamer than that. > [@](#): > > Firstly, I am the Superman of Sarcasm. I love to be a wiseass and tease people > [@](#): > > a constant stream of “Do you know how I know you’re gay…” routines and stand-up acts. > [@](#): > > I have worked for years on my jokes. I do not need more advice about how to tell jokes. I think it’s more the ragged fringes of run-of-the-mill assholishness, more likely. But mostly sad and lame, to my eyes. We live in an age of “Punked” and “Jackass”, _shudder_, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/133 "2011-02-15T14:04:07Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > I think bully is too strong a word, myself. It denotes a position of strength or power, this sort of thing is much lamer than that. He can hurt her a lot more than she can hurt him. That’s a position of power right there. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/134 "2011-02-15T14:10:20Z")
> [@SecondJudith](#): > > Is she laughing? I already asked that. She’s not. Neither are any of us. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/135 "2011-02-15T14:19:52Z")
Perhaps he’s a space alien? One who has watched so much _House_ that he’s begun to think it’s a primer on human social action? ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/136 "2011-02-15T14:20:40Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Update: I’m trying the compliment thing as mentioned in this thread with interesting results. Everybody knows it’s a lie but everybody feels better. I never would have thought it would work. If it’s a lie you’re not doing it right, period. If there’s nothing you can think of positive to say that’s true, there’s a very different problem. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/137 "2011-02-15T14:22:15Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > OUTSIDE of telling jokes, not telling jokes, changing the way I tell jokes, joking, teasing, insulting, sarcasm, etc. etc. etc. HOW DO YOU SHOW RESPECT? HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND? I already gave you something about that. Why haven’t you read it? ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/138 "2011-02-15T14:28:08Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Firstly, I am the Superman of Sarcasm. Oh, Hal. You are not the Superman of Sarcasm. The Superman of Sarcasm would make sarcastic results that were actually funny, and everyone would like him no matter how much of a sarcastic bastard he was. That’s the result of actually being good at sarcasm: knowing when and how to use it so you can crack jokes without unintentionally pissing people off. It’s not that uncommon a trait; plenty of people use sarcasm well. A successfully sarcastic individual can lay down a righteous burn and have everyone in the room laughing, _including the person he burned._ You are going to have to step it up. “Poop bird” and “stone butt” are first grade material, and I’m being generous. But that’s something that it’s going to be hard for anyone to help you with. Comedic timing and a sense of appropriateness are kind of tough to teach. As far as your wife, it’s good that your fake compliments worked. Now try some real compliments. Not lying ones. If you can’t think of a real compliment, do your wife a favor and find her a boyfriend who appreciates her. Another thing that might help is to think hard about your audience (in this case, your wife). Not just what kind of jokes she likes, but what kind of other things she likes. Does she appreciate it when you clean up? Fix something? Get her little things when you’re out? Doing things like that, without being asked, is a super way to show that you care about and respect the things that are important to your partner. Finally, make more time for stuff she wants to do. Concerts, dinners, hikes, whatever floats her boat. I know my husband getting me tickets or planning for things that he knows I would like is a great way for us to spend time together and to feel like he values my interests. Many people feel the same way. Those are at least concrete things you can do, other than the standard “listen to her, show basic courtesy, and don’t be a jerk” stuff. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/139 "2011-02-15T14:39:19Z")
Cannot recognize that, with remarks or knives, cutting is cutting. Few things are more tiresome or embarrassing than being expected to pretend hurtful/cutting remarks are humor. Ugh. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798/140 "2011-02-15T16:27:07Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > . . . > As far as your wife, it’s good that your fake compliments worked. Now try some real compliments. Not lying ones. If you can’t think of a real compliment, do your wife a favor and find her a boyfriend who appreciates her. > > . . . This is basically what I wanted to say. If there is truly absolutely nothing about your wife, about which you can give her a genuine, honest, and heartfelt compliment, then you would do her a great favor to divorce her. Set her free to find somebody who does respect her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-does-showing-respect-to-your-so-mean/570798.md?page=8)