# What DVD content would you censor? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 12, 2004, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570 "2004-04-12T06:36:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2004, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/1 "2004-04-12T06:36:59Z")
First, there was the [Pit thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=250395) Then there was the [IMHO thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=250419) Now, the Cafe thread. Apparently, DVD players that can censor out “offensive” content are now available at Wal-Mart. Now, unless DVD makers start coming out with discs that can _only_ be played on machines with the nanny chip installed, this development doesn’t really affect me in the least. It does, however, get me thinking about some of the truly useful possibilities of this technology. If you could program your DVD player to automatically censor particular kinds of content, what would you have it skip over? Personally, I’d cut out: Jokes that are so obvious even a computer could see them coming (“Your contact in Japan is Mr. Roboto”). Any speech by a detective that includes the line “my methods get results!” Any scene with Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Pauly Shore, Gilbert Gottfried or Tom Green. Any scene where “the believer” demands that “the skeptic” provide an airtight scientific explanation for the mysterious phenomenon they’ve just witnessed in under ten seconds or else admit that “we have to consider the possibility that this was caused by aliens/angels/vampires/the mold in my boxer shorts.” ---
**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2004, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/2 "2004-04-12T07:15:16Z")
> [@Sublight](#): > > If you could program your DVD player to automatically censor particular kinds of content, what would you have it skip over? Matrix Reloaded. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2004, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/3 "2004-04-12T07:23:54Z")
I’d filter out most gratuitous gore, guts, grossout stuff, you get the idea. I can’t stand this stuff, and many of the movies that I’d otherwise love seem to have it in them. **Sublight’s** list is good too, especially the part about filtering out Pauly Shore. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2004, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/4 "2004-04-12T08:15:48Z")
“He tampered in God’s domain”/“There are some things that man was meant to leave alone!” morals. (Frikkin’ luddites, Trying to taint our youth, they are.) Fake (or lame, “low-level”) profanity used in place of hard profanity. “Hard” profanity needlessly inserted into every other sentance, just to make the movie look “gritty.” (Or to give it a higher rating.) Shots of actors who’re [obviously](http://www.jabootu.com/images/hpdblink2.jpg) [inexperienced](http://www.jabootu.com/images/hpdblink1.jpg) with weapons, playing hardcore-killing-machines. Obvious product placement shots. (You know those dystopian Cyberpunk stories where Megacorps start battling each other openly, with mercenaries? A censor feature like _this_ would be sure to start that happening, IRL. 😃 ) Scenes where the Dog dies. Scenes with heroes going over the top to use “non lethal” weapons and techniques, so the movie can pacifiy the moralists, while still including gonzo fighting and action sequences.\* Scenes with any variation of “You need to do more thinking with your HEART, not with your HEAD!” Mickey Rooney’s scenes in _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_. \*Actually, maybe to kind of “bring back the balance,” I’ll just have the player superimpose a video clip from any number of WWII/Normandy landing movies, with U.S. troops shooting the Germans trying to surrender. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2004, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/5 "2004-04-12T09:57:14Z")
> [@Lynn Bodoni](#): > > I’d filter out most gratuitous gore, guts, grossout stuff, you get the idea. I can’t stand this stuff, and many of the movies that I’d otherwise love seem to have it in them. I’m with you on the grossout stuff. I don’t know if I’m unusually sensitive to such things or what, but when I see a “bodily fluid scene” I’m not amused or even shocked, just nauseated. I mean I’ve actually been on the verge of vomiting and had to fight to keep it down. Not pleasant. ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2004, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/6 "2004-04-12T10:48:39Z")
[QUOTE=Sublight] Any scene with Adam Sandler [QUOTE] Normally I might agree with you, but that would ruin the wonderful film **Punch-Drunk Love** , which was my favorite movie of 2002, so it’d have to be a machine that understood “this, but not that” scenarios. I wish my TiVo would do that. ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2004, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/7 "2004-04-12T10:49:44Z")
Sigh ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/8 "2004-04-13T05:05:37Z")
Coupla more… The “fake Russian aircraft” censor. (C-130’s painted in a Soviet Air Force livery deeply offend me.) The “Huey” censor. (Ultra secret high-tech organizations that supposedly use the UH-1 as their primary helicopter workhorse offend me.) ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/9 "2004-04-13T05:47:10Z")
Groups of adorable children, with or without parents, lip syncing to Motown and singing into hairbrush “mics”. ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/10 "2004-04-13T05:55:46Z")
> [@](#): > > The “fake Russian aircraft” censor. (C-130’s painted in a Soviet Air Force livery deeply offend me.) Dad? Is that you? I swear, you sound just like him. He often points out the type of aircraft used in war movies, and points out the inaccuracies. He doesn’t get offended, though. Forgive my ignorance, but are you by any chance a scale modeler? For myself, I’d censor out: The love story in _Titanic_, thereby cutting out 7/8 of the movie. Any parts of _The Phantom Menace_ featuring Jar Jar or that whiny kid. Any idiotic romantic subplot tacked on an action movie. That’s not what I came to see. The Batnipples in _Batman and Robin_. That was just wrong. All Steven Seagal movies. Long, lingering shots of the supposedly dead villain’s face, wherin he/she suddenly opens his or her eyes, proving they weren’t really dead. Scenes where the supposedly dead sidekick miraculously reappears either in the movie’s epilogue, or just in time to assist/save the leads. Any and all cute pets/aliens/monsters to provide comic relief. Ewoks, I’m looking at you. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/11 "2004-04-13T07:09:30Z")
> [@KCSuze](#): > > Dad? Is that you? I swear, you sound just like him. He often points out the type of aircraft used in war movies, and points out the inaccuracies. He doesn’t get offended, though. Forgive my ignorance, but are you by any chance a scale modeler? I used to be, back in the day…now I’m [a flight simulator buff.](http://www.x-plane.org/Detailed/5136.shtml) > [@](#): > > Any and all cute pets/aliens/monsters to provide comic relief. Ewoks, I’m looking at you. A-freakin-_men!_ This should probably be extended to cover about 97% of animated (cel, or CGI) “comic relief” characters. As the great Seanbaby once said… > [@](#): > > Cartoons had a different idea what was comic relief than other media…Comic relief in cartoons didn’t make you laugh. They were just a couple people that we hated more than anyone else. …And damned if he isn’t right. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/12 "2004-04-13T10:59:17Z")
Any scene showing Michael Douglas’ naked ass. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/13 "2004-04-13T12:25:40Z")
Nothing. If you don’t want to watch the movie, _don’t freakin’ watch it!_ ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/14 "2004-04-13T15:02:02Z")
**Turek** , you do understand "joke,"right? For my money, any scene in which an obviously beautiful woman takes off her glasses/lets down her hair and the love interest sees her “as if for the first time.” “This time it’s personal” or the equivalent. The scenes where the villains are seemingly dead, and the people who think they killed them, but - and this is the important bit- aren’t the stars of the picture, walk to the body to look at it up close, guaranteeing the “dead person” will kill them immediately. (I saw **The Patriot** Sunday and that really pissed me off, especially because I could see it coming.) ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/15 "2004-04-13T15:48:24Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > The “fake Russian aircraft” censor. (C-130’s painted in a Soviet Air Force livery deeply offend me.) I’ll bet you loved those "MiG-28"s in _Top Gun_, then. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Tremmie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@Tremmie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tremmie)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/16 "2004-04-13T15:56:51Z")
[ul] [li]All the love story scenes from: Pearl harbor, Titanic, Armageddon - That leaves three kick ass 15-20 min. dissaster/war movies[/li][li]The plot from all pornos, actually any and all talking goes.[/li][li]Jar Jar Binks[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/17 "2004-04-13T16:16:06Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > Scenes where the Dog dies. I say scenes where the dog you have been led to believe died suddenly comes walking back into the picture. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/18 "2004-04-13T18:04:31Z")
> [@Turek](#): > > Nothing. > > If you don’t want to watch the movie, _don’t freakin’ watch it!_ People who are easily _wooshed_ and throw a huff like a wet hen. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/19 "2004-04-13T20:41:17Z")
> [@tracer](#): > > I’ll bet you loved those "MiG-28"s in _Top Gun_, then. 😉 [Don’t you know it.](http://www.x-plane.org/Detailed/5231.shtml) 😉 Those things were so bad, they were _good._ ---
**Author:** ![JerH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bb73d2/32.png) [@JerH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerH)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2004, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570/20 "2004-04-13T21:16:27Z")
I would add a button to the remote that, when pressed, would: 1. Destroy the disk; 2. Send out a radio message to all other DVD players, instructing them to destroy copies of the disk; 3. Send legal injunctions to all major Hollywood studios preventing them from ever hiring anyone associated with the film to write, produce, direct, act in, or in any other way having anything to do with the production of a motion picture; and, 4. Serve me a refreshing strawberry daiquiri, to help calm me down after watching such a wretched film. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-dvd-content-would-you-censor/239570.md?page=2)