# What, exactly, are men thinking when they do this? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [September 6, 2008, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285 "2008-09-06T03:20:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Broken\_Hoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c57346/32.png) [@Broken\_Hoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Hoe)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/1 "2008-09-06T03:20:38Z")
Of course anyone would be outraged by this monster’s brutal crime: He beat his girlfriend to death with his dog’s chain leash: > **[The Scottish Sun](https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/)** > > Latest news, sports, showbiz, and celebrities If I were pitting the criminal, I’d put this in the pit. Instead, I’d really like to know, what exactly men are thinking when they do this: _ **“He once battered Sonya and left her lying on a beach and later came to my home to find her. He waved a gun in my face and told me he was going to shoot me unless I told him where she was.”** _ This is an honest query, not a man-bashing thread. I am simply baffled at this behavior, you hear about it frequently in abuse situations (and yes I am aware that women can be abusers too). He beats her, then stomps off. That would indicate that he doesn’t value her. Next thing you know he is threatening to kill people who are protecting her…Why? According to him she is a worthless bitch that deserved being beaten even to death. Then, a couple hours later she is priceless to him and he will kill to get her back. Huh? ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/2 "2008-09-06T03:31:47Z")
Well there was that one woman who drowned her two kids then said a black guy kidnapped them. Then there was that other woman who drowned her five kids in a bathtub. What, exactly, are women thinking when they do that? This isn’t a woman bashing thread but an honest question. What, exactly are women thinking when they do that? ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/3 "2008-09-06T03:34:21Z")
> [@askeptic](#): > > Why are all women like that? Do you see the word “all” anywhere in the OP? Or even a suggestion of it? I don’t. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/4 "2008-09-06T03:40:29Z")
Having been in serious rage fits in a relationship. I’d have to say the answer to the question is, “They’re not.”, the emotion takes over completely and whatever you are feeling right at that moment is the totality of your existence. Sometimes if you are thinking at all, you are thinking only short term tactically, or it’s some variation on, “That bitch, I can’t believe she did me like that.” ---
**Author:** ![Caveat\_lector\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@Caveat\_lector\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caveat_lector_1)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/5 "2008-09-06T03:43:36Z")
Yeah I really don’t feel very stereotyped by this thread. Its a good question that I’ve often wondered myself. How come some abusers seem to think their victim is both worthless and valuable at the same time. I’d be wiling to bet it is some kind of control thing, but that is just a guess. Can anyone with more knowledge take a shot? (This was written before mswas’s reply) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/6 "2008-09-06T03:45:50Z")
I just want to say that it’s an interesting username/subject matter juxtaposition. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/7 "2008-09-06T03:49:02Z")
Methinks it’s for the same reason that I feel I have a right to reformat my harddrive, but I’d be pissed if someone stole it. It’s mine. I can fix it how I want to. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/8 "2008-09-06T03:51:25Z")
> [@Q.E.D](#): > > Do you see the word “all” anywhere in the OP? Or even a suggestion of it? I don’t. That’s because you replied before **askeptic** edited his/her post. Easy mistake to make. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/9 "2008-09-06T03:54:01Z")
> [@samclem](#): > > That’s because you replied before **askeptic** edited his/her post. Easy mistake to make. It wasn’t a mistake. ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/10 "2008-09-06T03:59:18Z")
> [@samclem](#): > > That’s because you replied before **askeptic** edited his/her post. Easy mistake to make. not true I edited at 8:33 his post was time stamped 8:34 we may have cross posted but I certainly didn’t change my post based on anything anyone else posted. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/11 "2008-09-06T04:00:58Z")
With my ex it was mutual, so I can’t really comment about one-sidedness. She knew how to twist the knife, something she has admitted to now that we are both separated from the situation. So that sort of plumbs the depths of my knowledge, because we’d get in nasty fights together. In a relationship the person you are with has power over you. Maybe the abuser just can’t stand the power the other person has over their emotions. Oftentimes abusive relationships are between two people who are nowhere near in control of their emotions, so they do rash irrational things. I know I thought that she must be doing it on purpose to twist things like that to make me feel like that. How could someone possibly have that much power over me and not be in control? She must be doing it on purpose. The reality though is that neither of us were in control and we’d go out of control together, each blaming the other for the state of madness. I don’t know about feeling the other person is worthless though, because for me my lust/love for her was so intense and all-consuming that I was either running toward it or running away from it with no middle-ground. ---
**Author:** ![Sofis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/12 "2008-09-06T04:06:01Z")
> [@Broken\_Hoe](#): > > This is an honest query, not a man-bashing thread. I am simply baffled at this behavior, you hear about it frequently in abuse situations (and yes I am aware that women can be abusers too). For future reference: phrasing yourself in gender neutral terms is **a lot** more effective than adding some disclaimers to post that is phrased in terms of asking what men in general think. “Abusers” is the word to use, not “men”. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/13 "2008-09-06T04:08:45Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > …phrased in terms of asking what men in general think. Except that it isn’t. Unless you think that men in general beat their SOs and threaten people who try to protect them. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/14 "2008-09-06T04:09:20Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > For future reference: phrasing yourself in gender neutral terms is **a lot** more effective than adding some disclaimers to post that is phrased in terms of asking what men in general think. “Abusers” is the word to use, not “men”. Why? Maybe abusive men are thinking something different from abusive women. Why does everything have to be sanitized by political correctness all the time? The fact of the matter is a man is a lot more likely to beat his wife to death than the reverse. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/15 "2008-09-06T04:20:37Z")
[Moderating] Before this gets further sidetracked, let’s consider that the question on the table is: What are the psychological factors that lead men who are abusers to act in the way described in the OP? Other insights into the psychology of abusers in general are OK. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![Sofis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/16 "2008-09-06T04:21:26Z")
> [@Q.E.D](#): > > Except that it isn’t. I disagree with that. In the phrasing used one inserts the word that identifies whatever group one is asking about. If one asks “Why do New Yorkers do this?” one is asking about the motivation of New Yorkers. If one asks “Why do plumbers do this?” one is asking about plumbers. And if one asks “Why do men do this?” one is asking about men. It’s irrelevant though. My comment was about what kind of techniques are useful in steering the discussion in the direction one wants it, not whether the post was sexist. > [@mswas](#): > > Why? Maybe abusive men are thinking something different from abusive women. Maybe. But assuming what the answer will be before one asks the question is no way to get to the truth. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/17 "2008-09-06T04:30:15Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > Maybe. But assuming what the answer will be before one asks the question is no way to get to the truth. Well the question is about male abusers, not abusers in general. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/18 "2008-09-06T04:50:42Z")
Situations where the abuse is extreme I think is purely a control thing. It isn’t that he thinks her worthless one minute and valuable the next; it’s that he thinks her worthless at all times – but she’s _his_ to do with as he pleases, and anyone who stands in his way is challenging his power and authority and is trying to take what he feels belongs to him. It’s possessiveness and control over his possessions. Such attitudes aren’t typically restricted to the “relationship,” such as it is; guys like that tend to be controlling wherever and whenever they possibly can be where A) it does not blow any veneer of cover they may be trying to show to the outside world to make them think nothing is wrong; and B) it won’t get them caught. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/19 "2008-09-06T04:57:32Z")
Some people just have issues. Me, the thing I have a hard time understanding, is people who beat their kids. Now I have kids, and I understand that sometimes you just want to smack them, and sometimes you DO just smack them. What I don’t understand is (1) smacking them, then holding a pillow over their faces until they nearly die; (2) smacking them, and then beating them senseless while you’re at it; (3) locking them in a dark closet for years; (4) essentially, torturing them for some really small thing, like bedwetting. What, exactly, are parents thinking when they do this? Maybe it’s just me. I get over my blind fury in about 30 seconds and then reason prevails. Can’t do too much damage in 30 seconds. ---
**Author:** ![Hail\_Ants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dc4da7/32.png) [@Hail\_Ants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hail_Ants)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285/20 "2008-09-06T05:03:44Z")
Yeah, **Minefield** pretty much nailed it above. Whether its their spouse, their kids, or even their dog a key factor is deep-rooted selfishness. The complete inability to ever feel the slightest empathy for another living thing. Don’t waste too much time trying to understand it. You can’t, anymore than they could understand your complete outrage at their behavior… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-exactly-are-men-thinking-when-they-do-this/462285.md?page=2)