# What Fictional Detective Would You Hire To Prove You Didn't Commit a Murder? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 3, 2003, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303 "2003-10-03T10:45:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/1 "2003-10-03T10:45:03Z")
(Inspired by [this thread, What Fictional Lawyer Would You Choose To Defend You](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=215079) ) OK, you’ve picked your lawyer, but you still need a good detective to prove some other guy did the crime despite all the evidence pointing to you. Who do you pick? There is, of course, good old Sherlock Holmes, who would seem to me to be the obvious pick, but if I can afford him, I think I’d go for Nero Wolfe, with Archie Goodwin assisting him. I know Wolfe hates women, and I don’t have the palate to appreciate the gourmet food, but the conversation should be fascinating. If we’re looking at amateurs, I’d take Amelia Peabody. The way her cases go, chances are not only would the real murderer be found, I’d probably find myself fixed up with a suitable fellow suspect. The only thing is, what are the odds of me being associated with a murder around a dig in Egypt? CJ ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/2 "2003-10-03T11:46:25Z")
Kinsey Milhone, assisted by Stephanie Plum. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/3 "2003-10-03T11:59:46Z")
Kinky Friedman. I’d kill to meet him. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/4 "2003-10-03T12:22:20Z")
Philip Marlowe. When you’re behind the 8-ball, looking at life in the big house or taking the Nevada gas, you don’t wan’t some two-bit peeper gumming your case. You need a jake shamus, who goes heavy, to take the lay. After he figures the chinese angle that put the flatfoot on your porch in the first place, he’ll measure the gink who really bopped the canary for a wooden kimono. Pipe that? ---
**Author:** ![SirRay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@SirRay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SirRay)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/5 "2003-10-03T14:03:09Z")
James Rockford, of course. He’ll sneak into places, get beat up, get threaten by the mob, randomly drive all over LA (with a 10% chance of a car chase) and probably get cheated by Angel, but in the end he’ll prove your innocence AND treat you to a taco and burrito lunch (or, if his dad Rocky’s around, to a barbeque outside his trailer). Unless, of course, like in 30% of the episodes, it turns out you did commit the crime after all, in which case you’re nailed (except for those chicks who got away) ---
**Author:** ![manwithaplan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@manwithaplan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manwithaplan)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/6 "2003-10-03T14:20:13Z")
If the real killer was a bit full of himself, I’d definitely hire Columbo. After being patronised, underestimated and short of a light for a good 50 minutes, he’d apologetically deliver the killer blow and I’d be home free. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/7 "2003-10-03T14:22:12Z")
Adrian Monk would be my choice. And I’d promise not to move his coffee table. ---
**Author:** ![annieclaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b5a626/32.png) [@annieclaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/annieclaus)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/8 "2003-10-03T15:52:31Z")
Elvis Cole. . . assisted by the mystical Joe Pike! ---
**Author:** ![Starrman10](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@Starrman10](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starrman10)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/9 "2003-10-03T15:54:19Z")
[Abe Simpson] Maaaaaaatloooooooook! [/Abe Simpson] ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/10 "2003-10-03T16:00:03Z")
I’d take Monk, too. Just so I could pick my nose right in front of him before insisting that he shake my hand. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/11 "2003-10-03T16:09:32Z")
Are you kidding me? Magnum 😃 OK probably Nero Wolf, but I’d much rather look at Magnum! ---
**Author:** ![bafaa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@bafaa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bafaa)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/12 "2003-10-03T16:14:05Z")
Batman is the “World’s Greatest Detective” but I don’t know how you’d go about hiring him. It’s not like the bat-signal is open to the public and the bat-phone is probably an unlisted number. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/13 "2003-10-03T16:36:26Z")
Spenser. The way all the women in the books fall for him, I figure he must be some sort of Bostonian love god. Julie ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/14 "2003-10-03T16:41:27Z")
If it hinged on forensic evidence, Dr. Thorndyke (or, to be more modern, maybe Kay Scarpetta). If it’s just a matter of seeing past circumstantial evidence and “obvious” solutions, Father Brown would be good. And, of course, cheap. Whatever happens, _not_ Ellery Queen, who’s convicted two innocent men that I can remember on circumstantial evidence alone. Oh, sure, he felt guilty about it when he found out, but that’s not going to do me any good, is it? ---
**Author:** ![Threadkiller](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aca169/32.png) [@Threadkiller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Threadkiller)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/15 "2003-10-03T17:05:38Z")
Dirk Gently For coming up with an out-of-this-world alibi he can’t be beat. ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/16 "2003-10-03T17:10:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SirRay \* > \*\*James Rockford, of course. > He’ll sneak into places, get beat up, get threaten by the mob, randomly drive all over LA (with a 10% chance of a car chase) and probably get cheated by Angel, but in the end he’ll prove your innocence AND treat you to a taco and burrito lunch (or, if his dad Rocky’s around, to a barbeque outside his trailer). > Unless, of course, like in 30% of the episodes, it turns out you did commit the crime after all, in which case you’re nailed (except for those chicks who got away) \*\* All that, plus the fact that even though he charged $200 a day plus expenses, you could usually get away without paying him.😛 ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/17 "2003-10-03T17:21:20Z")
Sam Spade. ---
**Author:** ![NicePete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ee7513/32.png) [@NicePete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NicePete)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/18 "2003-10-03T18:18:02Z")
Edward X. Delany. Intelligent, dogged detective AND makes great sandwiches. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/19 "2003-10-03T18:33:12Z")
Come on- it’s Perry Mason! He never lost a case in his life and generally made hamburger out of the opposing counsel. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/21 "2003-10-03T18:51:39Z")
OK you’re right- but I still like Perry’s batting average. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303.md?page=2)