# What Fictional Detective Would You Hire To Prove You Didn't Commit a Murder? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 3, 2003, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303 "2003-10-03T10:45:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/42 "2003-10-04T16:43:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by racinchikki \* > \*\*Definitely Marlowe, even though that would ruin my chances of getting with him - he doesn’t fool around with clients. I’d feel horribly guilty if some bum snuffed him one in the grill while he was in my employ, as seems to happen so often, so maybe he’d let me make it up to him once I was cleared. \*\* Well, let’s talk. I don’t mind your showing me your legs. They’re very swell legs and it’s a pleasure to make their acquaintance. Oh, and by the way, I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings. Hint: this is where “My God, you big dark handsome brute! I ought to throw a Buick at you.” ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/43 "2003-10-04T18:01:29Z")
Dixon Hill (aka Jean-Luc Picard). or Data as Sherlock Holmes with Geordi as his Watson. But only if I’ve been kidnapped by a holographic representation of Moriarity that becomes self-aware… And a second for James Qwilleran, Koko and Yum Yum. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/44 "2003-10-04T18:18:22Z")
Madames and Monsieurs are yew all bli-yund ?? Zee most appropriate gendarme would be **Inspector Jacques Clouseau** ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/45 "2003-10-04T18:31:33Z")
I’d choose **C. Auguste Dupin** … but I’d prefer to hang out with Jim Rockford. ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/46 "2003-10-04T21:45:10Z")
Let me see…Modesty Blaise, V.I Warshawski, Kinsey Milhone with an able assist by Honey West. All are (were) very good private dicks (well, dectectives) and all have been known to sleep with a client. Even if they didn’t get me off, it would be fun trying. TV ---
**Author:** ![Rayne\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/df705f/32.png) [@Rayne\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rayne_Man)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/47 "2003-10-04T21:47:51Z")
Chief Inspector Maigret. Not only would he solve the crime but you would enjoy some superb food and drink during the investigation. ---
**Author:** ![ZebWalton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/fbc32d/32.png) [@ZebWalton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZebWalton)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/48 "2003-10-04T23:41:15Z")
\*\*Jessica Fletcher. \*\*She was all class. Plus I’d get to meet all kinds of washed-up actors and actresses who I may remember from my childhood. And she always worked in some exotic locale or Cabot Cove, so there’d be some beautiful scenery close by to visit while I was waiting to be cleared. ---
**Author:** ![rjk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/49 "2003-10-04T23:41:43Z")
That’s a tough decision! Local knowledge is usually important, so I’d have to go for somebody who works near the scene of the crime. Nero Wolfe and Archie Goodwin make a great team (especially backed by Fritz’s cooking!), but Wolfe won’t even leave the house, so I could only choose them if the case were in New York. Then if the case seemed about to get nasty, I’d call in Lawrence Block’s Matt Scudder to handle the rough stuff. And Kinky Friedman if the case needs a bizarre viewpoint. For anything on the West Coast, Marlowe. In Boston, that other poet and his friend Hawk. (Robert Urich and Avery Brooks, of course.) Holmes would be best for anything in England. (Yes, Jeremy Brett!) I could go on, but you get the idea. ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/50 "2003-10-05T03:43:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doghouse Reilly \* > \*\*Well, let’s talk. I don’t mind your showing me your legs. They’re very swell legs and it’s a pleasure to make their acquaintance. > > Oh, and by the way, I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings. > > Hint: this is where “My God, you big dark handsome brute! I ought to throw a Buick at you.” \*\* You know, I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to ask whether that was where you got your name since the first time I saw you. ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/51 "2003-10-05T10:42:27Z")
Another vote for Dirk Gently. Holitistic detective work just hasn’t come in it’s own yet. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/52 "2003-10-05T14:17:03Z")
Can I add to my answer? After all, Spenser is on the East Coast US, and I really think I might need a backup for when I go to England. Calling Lord Peter! Calling Lord Peter! I want to know if he ends up incredibly charming or incredibly annoying. Oh yes. Julie ---
**Author:** ![Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krisfer_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/53 "2003-10-05T17:38:34Z")
I will add **Alex Delaware and Milo Sturgis**. It would be a pretty wild ride then! **Brother Cadfael** would definately bring in a different perspective. ---
**Author:** ![quothz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/da6949/32.png) [@quothz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quothz)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/54 "2003-10-05T23:50:55Z")
Elijah Bailey. With Daneel Olivaw’s help, if possible. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/55 "2003-10-06T02:23:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Elijah Bailey. With Daneel Olivaw’s help, if possible. What’s the term for when you open a 50-reply thread, only to find that the thing you were going to post was posted by the guy just before you? But yeah, Lije Bailey. No matter _what_ needs proven, he can prove it. Regardless of whether it’s strictly true or not. And he’s shown time and again that he doesn’t need the “home turf advantage” mentioned earlier in the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Robert\_Lehnert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecb155/32.png) [@Robert\_Lehnert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robert_Lehnert)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/56 "2003-10-06T04:41:21Z")
Spenser; he beats up the bad guys, annoys them as well with his mouth, he might even cook me a decent meal, Susan might smile at me, and I would be inspired by Hawk. Might even get to meet Quirk! ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303/57 "2003-10-06T17:48:12Z")
> [@](#): > > I’d go with Encyclopedia Brown. That kid’s got potential. Tragic recent developments [http://www.theonion.com/3937/news3.html](http://www.theonion.com/3937/news3.html) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-detective-would-you-hire-to-prove-you-didnt-commit-a-murder/205303.md?page=2)