# What fictional spacecraft could conquer the Earth all by their lonesome. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 11, 2010, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837 "2010-10-11T23:25:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/82 "2010-10-12T19:17:36Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@GargoyleWB](#): > > > > Don’t underestimate the energy of a cargo hold full of longhorn cattle released in a hyperbolic trajectory from out on the rim. > > Fool of Browncoat! > > It’s AIMING the cattle that presents the problem. When throwing hundreds of cattle, I would think hitting the target with a bullseye is almost assured. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/83 "2010-10-12T19:19:04Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > Fool of Browncoat! > > > > It’s AIMING the cattle that presents the problem. > > When throwing hundreds of cattle, I would think hitting the target with a bullseye is almost assured. Cattle are not all especially aerodynamic. In fact I think it’s fair to say that cattle are not remotely aerodynamic. That is what _aerodynamic_ and _cattle_ mean. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/84 "2010-10-12T19:27:09Z")
They don’t need to be aerodynamic. They just need to be bullistic. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/85 "2010-10-12T19:27:33Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Lobohan](#): > > > > When throwing hundreds of cattle, I would think hitting the target with a bullseye is almost assured. > > Cattle are not all especially aerodynamic. In fact I think it’s fair to say that cattle are not remotely aerodynamic. That is what _aerodynamic_ and _cattle_ mean. It was a pun. Let it sink in and bask in its glory. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/86 "2010-10-12T19:30:29Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > Cattle are not all especially aerodynamic. In fact I think it’s fair to say that cattle are not remotely aerodynamic. That is what _aerodynamic_ and _cattle_ mean. > > It was a pun. Let it sink in and bask in its glory. > [@silenus](#): > > They don’t need to be aerodynamic. They just need to be bullistic. The usual threats. ---
**Author:** ![Corner\_Case](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/corner_case/32/234_2.png) [@Corner\_Case](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corner_Case)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/87 "2010-10-12T19:50:53Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > Can anybody clarify how the half of these ships are going to CONQUER Earth, as opposed to just beating it up a bit? > > Serenity? Millenium Falcon? Really? They have to land sometime, then they would be screwed! [Obie](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exiles_at_the_Well_of_Souls) could conquer Earth instantly, with no shots fired, no damage. Why, everyone would just know that Earth had always been under his control and it was the most natural thing in the world. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/88 "2010-10-12T20:01:07Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > But then you lose any of the psychological warfare aspects of it. Not really. When Enemies of the State start disappearing, it’s a pretty good bet who’s doing it, and why. And when you want someone disappeared but not dead, for whatever reasons (they were a spy in an anti-Occupation group, they have information you’re going to use your Betazoid to pull out of their head before killing them, whatever), it’s a lot easier to make it less obvious that you’ve still got them alive if you haven’t been leaving bodies all over the place. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/89 "2010-10-12T20:19:01Z")
Hm. So far the only really tricky one is the Tardis. Options include: 1. The doctor’s approach #1 - “Okay, reeeally, the main thing here is to convince them that we can take over for long enough for them to put down their weapons and see reason. I’m just going to chat with them until they realize that I’ve already reprogrammed the computers and taken over the world ten minutes ago.” 2. The doctor’s approach #2 - “I’m the Doctor. Be afraid of me. Do what I say.” 3. Roses’ approach - Look into the heart of the Tardis, become one with the time vortex, kick ass. 4. The Master’s approach - Ally yourself with aliens/future humans/ intelligent fungi and have them do the hard part. 5. Jack’s approach - Lie. If that doesn’t work - Screw. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/90 "2010-10-12T20:34:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Nah, I’ll allow those. And if you disqualify Galactica you have to disqualify Voyager as well, as they had an infinite number of shuttlecraft. 😉 Assigning Ensigns Banach and Tarski to the shuttlecraft-refurbishing detail was Janeway’s best command decision. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/91 "2010-10-12T20:35:12Z")
I think you need a ship capable of producing a bioweapon to introduce to the air/water world-wide, as well as the agent that will keep it dormant. Better yet, a series of 10 different fatal diseases and their blockers, introduced in such a way that you catch one and you are immune to the other nine. Ideally, you end up with roughly a tenth of the population of earth for each infection. Rebellion is met by withholding one of the blocking agents, resulting in 10 percent of the population at random dying in some visually nasty way as a lesson to the other 90%. Also, if some bright person actually destroys the ship (or orbiting lab or whatever) that creates the blocker, everyone dies. So, would the _Enterprise D_ have the medical/biological chops to pull this off? ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/92 "2010-10-12T20:45:03Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > > [@Simplicio](#): > > > > The Death Star seemed kinda limited to obliterating planets. The Empire was oddly dependent on ground assaults when it came to actual conquering, so I think we’d have a better chance then you think. > > In fairness to the Empire - _everyone_ is dependent on ground assaults for conquering. If all you want is to blow things up, fine - you can do that from the air, or from space. But conquest - an actual, long-term takeover of your enemy’s government at gunpoint - requires boots on the ground. Even a terrifying ultimatum - “Do as we say or we’ll nuke you” - isn’t really sufficient. Even if the government complies, what of hard-liners among the population? In one of the opening scenes of _The Mote In God’s Eye_, Blaine gets his ass chewed out for taking the ground troops on a raid to take out a rebel world’s shield station. He was successful, forcing the rebels to surrender – but if it had been a trap the fleet would have been left with no option but to nuke the planet from orbit, and the admiral in charge was pissed at being put at risk of being forced to give that order. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/93 "2010-10-12T20:46:49Z")
Doubtful, but a [Horvath](http://www.amazon.com/Live-Free-Die-Troy-Rising/dp/1439133328) ship does, (and does!) eta: Answering \*\*Mrs. Cake’s \*\*question. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/94 "2010-10-12T20:47:47Z")
> [@Mrs.Cake](#): > > So, would the _Enterprise D_ have the medical/biological chops to pull this off? I don’t think so. They wouldn’t have had as much trouble with space viruses et cetera over the years if they had that level of biotech. (Haviland Tuf’s ship could pull it off). ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/95 "2010-10-12T20:53:17Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Though I began the thread thinking that Star Wars tech would have it all over Trek tech, this makes me think otherwise. A ruthless captain and company on any Enterprise but Archer’s could do a whole lot of damage without ever firing their phasers or torpedoes. Their sensors can detect our nukes whereever they are, and I’ll bet their computers can overcome ours too. Beam a small away team into a missile installation, arm the nukes, and pop out. Repeat a couple dozen times. Given sufficiently precise intel and the ability to hack into computers, you could do something along the lines of one Arthur C. Clarke short-short story, in which the aliens made pinpoint raids on a few Swiss banks, read their records, and then needed only to send out a few thousand registered letters to finish their conquest. ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/96 "2010-10-12T20:57:28Z")
> [@SCSimmons](#): > > In non-web literature, I’d bet a LAC or superdreadnought from David Weber’s Honorverse would have a good shot at terrorizing our little globe into submission. I believe you mean a CLAC. LAC is Light Attack Craft, CLAC is a carrier thereof. A single LAC would have a hard time with logistics. Although, if we’re talking extended occupation, I think either a CLAC or superdreadnought would have logistics problems, too. I doubt there’s much infrastructure for replacement parts on Earth. For claws-on-the-ground, I nominate a Tyranid Leviathan Hive Ship. Not only can it carry thousands of troops, it can also just dump spores on the planet and grow more. No need to win hearts and minds when you can just eat everyone and grow your own. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/97 "2010-10-12T21:00:44Z")
> [@Mrs.Cake](#): > > I think you need a ship capable of producing a bioweapon to introduce to the air/water world-wide, as well as the agent that will keep it dormant. Better yet, a series of 10 different fatal diseases and their blockers, introduced in such a way that you catch one and you are immune to the other nine. Ideally, you end up with roughly a tenth of the population of earth for each infection. Rebellion is met by withholding one of the blocking agents, resulting in 10 percent of the population at random dying in some visually nasty way as a lesson to the other 90%. Also, if some bright person actually destroys the ship (or orbiting lab or whatever) that creates the blocker, everyone dies. > > So, would the _Enterprise D_ have the medical/biological chops to pull this off? I would imagine they could do it, myself. The Captain would give the order, then the Doctor would combine [technobabble] with [technobabble] and they’d be set. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/98 "2010-10-12T21:07:01Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Lobohan](#): > > > > It was a pun. Let it sink in and bask in its glory. > > > [@silenus](#): > > > > They don’t need to be aerodynamic. They just need to be bullistic. > > The usual threats. [bugs]What a nin-cow-poop…What a gulli-bull…[/bugs] ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/99 "2010-10-12T22:22:44Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I think you’re wrong about cargo transporters not being able to handle living beings. As I recall, the only difference (for the E-D) was space and the personnel transporters being in a somewhat nicer part of the ship. A cargo transporter is basically a freight elevator. > > That said, you don’t want to drive the world insane; you want to conquer them. > > Anybody have a more detailed battle plan using one Galaxy or Sovereign class ship, armed for war? There is a late second season or early third season show where the Enterprise-D evacuates a planet, and their livestock, and beams them into the cargo hold using the cargo transporters. You might remember it as the one where Riker shtups the farmer’s daughter, but no shotgun appears. In a first season TOS show Kirk threatens to blow up a planet, so even that Enterprise seems to have planet buster technology - though randomly beaming world leaders seems like a more effective way of conquering Earth. As for nuclear missiles, the Nazi planet sent some to destroy the Enterprise, which pretty much laughed them off. They got wiped out by one phaser shot. I’m surprised no one mentioned the mother ship from Independence Day - assuming they get rid of the Apple software running on their computers, that is. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/100 "2010-10-12T22:28:38Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > I think you’re wrong about cargo transporters not being able to handle living beings. As I recall, the only difference (for the E-D) was space and the personnel transporters being in a somewhat nicer part of the ship. A cargo transporter is basically a freight elevator. > > > > That said, you don’t want to drive the world insane; you want to conquer them. > > > > Anybody have a more detailed battle plan using one Galaxy or Sovereign class ship, armed for war? > > There is a late second season or early third season show where the Enterprise-D evacuates a planet, and their livestock, and beams them into the cargo hold using the cargo transporters. You might remember it as the one where Riker shtups the farmer’s daughter, but no shotgun appears. > > In a first season TOS show Kirk threatens to blow up a planet, so even that Enterprise seems to have planet buster technology - though randomly beaming world leaders seems like a more effective way of conquering Earth. > As for nuclear missiles, the Nazi planet sent some to destroy the Enterprise, which pretty much laughed them off. They got wiped out by one phaser shot. > > I’m surprised no one mentioned the mother ship from Independence Day - assuming they get rid of the Apple software running on their computers, that is. On the cargo bay thing I checked and they are actually normally set for non living materials but can be switched to a mode that allows them to transport people. They just aren’t as efficient at it. I thought I had read in the STTNG Tech Manual that they couldn’t do it. My bad. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2010, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837/101 "2010-10-12T22:38:48Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > On the cargo bay thing\*\* I checked \*\*and they are actually normally set for non living materials but can be switched to a mode that allows them to transport people. They just aren’t as efficient at it. I thought I had read in the STTNG Tech Manual that they couldn’t do it. My bad. (Bolding added) Wait, you’re posting from your orbiting Starship? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-fictional-spacecraft-could-conquer-the-earth-all-by-their-lonesome/556837.md?page=6)