# What have you learned from your relationships? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2011, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739 "2011-05-04T19:41:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/41 "2011-05-05T00:17:32Z")
Pick your battles. The best snappy come-back is silence & a nod. Lastly, any argument you don’t have you win by default. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/42 "2011-05-05T00:23:11Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > I guess it’s more accurate to say don’t be afraid of arguing. I like that. Not being afraid to argue doesn’t mean that you must argue. It’s kind of like being a martial artist who isn’t afraid to kick ass, but has no desire to kick ass. I hope things are better for you now. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/43 "2011-05-05T00:33:33Z")
Things are getting better. An old friend afforded me a great big kick up the ass, and I saw the light that I’d been ignoring for quite a while 🙂 The people who brag on and on about “We NEVER fight” seem to be the ones who seem afraid of arguing (this is a generality). Accepting that people will sometimes act shitty, and sometimes pick arguments for no good reason, and working out how to deal with, compromise and move on from those arguments, seems to be the way to build that strength. It is, too, that people use argument, disagreement and fight in very disparate ways. What I may refer to as an “argument” may just be a disagreement in someone else’s eyes. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/44 "2011-05-05T00:36:41Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Pick your battles. The best snappy come-back is silence & a nod. Lastly, any argument you don’t have you win by default. Please don’t take this as a personal criticism, but that second sentence strikes me as quite passive-aggressive. And sometimes it’s necessary to have an argument. Otherwise things fester and fester. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/45 "2011-05-05T01:18:32Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > The people who brag on and on about “We NEVER fight” seem to be the ones who seem afraid of arguing (this is a generality). That was definitely me, and a past GF, some time ago. I still don’t like to argue, but I’d like to think I’m more comfortable with conflict these days. > [@](#): > > It is, too, that people use argument, disagreement and fight in very disparate ways. What I may refer to as an “argument” may just be a disagreement in someone else’s eyes. I can’t argue with that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/46 "2011-05-05T01:24:01Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > And sometimes it’s necessary to have an argument. Otherwise things fester and fester. This thread has been pretty thoroughly hijacked at this point. Maybe we could start another one? But it seems like what you – and many of us – are talking about is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. To me that’s the difference between negotiating and arguing. In the latter, someone has to be wrong for the other person to be right. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/47 "2011-05-05T01:50:14Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I don’t agree, unless your definition of each is so broad that having a personality or having bad things happen counts as drama. I don’t know whether you’re right or wrong. All I know is that love isn’t love unless it can paralyze you with despair. ---
**Author:** ![Foggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foggy/32/1082_2.png) [@Foggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foggy)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/48 "2011-05-05T02:44:03Z")
> [@Lionne](#): > > What have you taken away from your relationships that helped you become a better person? IMHO: [ul] [li]My exceptions of monogamy were unrealistic.[/li] [li]Relationships are generally not worth the trouble.[/li][/ul] It has not made me a better person, just kind of lonely & a little bit bitter, but that is for the best. ---
**Author:** ![Hennessy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hennessy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hennessy)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/49 "2011-05-05T02:45:07Z")
> [@](#): > > What have you learned from your relationships? This world is fucked up ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/50 "2011-05-05T14:10:48Z")
Hmm. My SO and I have fairly opposite personalities. TheWhoToTheWhatNow says he has never found a woman with a genuinely enthusiastic and optimistic personality - well here I am. I always say I am the kite to my other half’s tether. He keeps me grounded. He is serious, reserved, responsible. I am light-hearted, impulsive, and cheerful almost all the damn time. If there is anything we “argue” about it’s this. I just can’t find it in my heart to worry about most things. My whole philosophy is not “the glass is half-full” but"somebody gave me a glass, woohoo!" Over the years I’ve sobered up a bit and am more serious…but that core of idealism and optimism I never want to lose. He could play the game “Worst Case Scenario” and win. Because he always thinks of the worst case scenario. 95% of the time we get along like a house on fire. But there are always arguments. Sure, you pick your battles, and often you make concessions. I don’t like the way he does laundry (if he had his way he’d probably wash every item by itself) so I do it, happily. But sometimes you clash, and just the way of it. I don’t forever want him to have his own way on everything, just because I am too lazy or too afraid to stand up for myself, and he certainly shouldn’t be expected to bow down to my whims on everything - so sometimes you have to hash it out in words. Better than letting it fester. I think some of you think of arguing as smashing plates or some such. What we do, I could even call it bickering. And money. Everyone disagrees about how money is spent, don’t they? Surveys say it’s the biggest source of friction in a household. Now in money matters I almost completely acquiesce to him, since as I said, he’s the more fiscally responsible one in the family. But sometimes I am entitled to tell him he is being entirely too careful and cautious. > [@](#): > > Can you define overly attached to his mother? Does he see flaws in her? Does he take your side when she is being unfair? Does he stick up for you to her? Does she belittle you in front of him and he lets it slide? Is she the first and only woman in his life, forever and ever? Do you say things, and they are rejected, but when his mother suggests them, they are a great idea? This one is personal: And does he, at any point, intimate that you all will be living with his mother well before she needs to (i.e, as soon as you get married or shortly thereafter, mom will be moving in or you’ll move in with her)? RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS. He will never respect you. He will never take your side on anything. Mother dearest will always be paramount in his heart. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/51 "2011-05-05T14:36:59Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > Arguing and resolving those arguments are part of growing as human beings. Learning to compromise with someone and so on. > > If you never argue, you never learn how to compromise with that person because it means one person is capitulating all the time. And that’s not healthy. Some people don’t believe this, but it’s actually possible to get to the “compromise” part without ever entering the “arguing” part. It’s almost like, adults can disagree without yelling or becoming unreasonable. Example: Me: I like this toothpaste. Him: No, I like that toothpaste. Me: Let’s just buy both. Him: sounds good. _fin_ ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/52 "2011-05-05T14:50:10Z")
Be open to change. To me that is the best thing about my relationship. We are both just totally open about doing things differently, experimenting with life to see if we can make it better. Whether it’s switching up how we handle chores to being willing to move to another state and start a new life, there is something very liberating about knowing I can come to my partner with some crazy new idea, and he will hear it out. No matter what it is, we’re always on board, solving problems together, setting goals, and changing for the better. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/53 "2011-05-05T15:00:54Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I don’t know whether you’re right or wrong. All I know is that love isn’t love unless it can paralyze you with despair. Anything can paralyze you with despair. Hell, Asimovian can attest that a bag of Matchbox cars turned me into (more of) a gibbering idiot a few months ago. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/54 "2011-05-05T15:49:27Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Anything can paralyze you with despair. Hell, Asimovian can attest that a bag of Matchbox cars turned me into (more of) a gibbering idiot a few months ago. Well, it’s pretty well known that Matchbox cars are a gateway to madness. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/55 "2011-05-05T15:59:11Z")
Immediately drop anyone who wants to change you, because such people will never, ever be happy and will forever keep trying to change you. Best to nip it in the bud while you can. ---
**Author:** ![shantih](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@shantih](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shantih)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/56 "2011-05-05T16:43:04Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Anything can paralyze you with despair. Hell, Asimovian can attest that a bag of Matchbox cars turned me into (more of) a gibbering idiot a few months ago. I really, really need to know the backstory here. I’m reminded of the time a cake thoroughly kicked my ass – my husband and kids came home to find me sobbing passionately in the kitchen because a cake I was trying to bake before a party was turning out all wrong, from water splashing into the egg whites when I was trying to whip them to the marzipan not rolling out so I could cut stars out of it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/57 "2011-05-05T16:51:01Z")
> [@shantih](#): > > I really, really need to know the backstory here. I’m reminded of the time a cake thoroughly kicked my ass – my husband and kids came home to find me sobbing passionately in the kitchen because a cake I was trying to bake before a party was turning out all wrong, from water splashing into the egg whites when I was trying to whip them to the marzipan not rolling out so I could cut stars out of it. Oh lord, I’ve had cake moments, too! I was trying to clear my house out before moving to another state. My late husband was someone I would have called a packrat before his death, but after his death, when I was trying to clear things out, I realized he was actually a hoarder. The Matchbox incident was after I found an entire garbage bag, one of the big kind, in the attic completely filled with Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars, all in their packaging. This was after I had gathered up hundreds and hundreds from elsewhere in the house. I sat in the middle of the floor and sobbed hysterically. It was not one of my finer moments, but Asimovian talked me through it and calmed me down. That, to me, is what love is all about. The house is sold. I’m in California. Life is good. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/58 "2011-05-05T16:56:09Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > This one’s a biggy. My ex and I used to brag about this all the time, that other couples argued and we never did. The reality is that we were both very non-confrontational people who were more interested in pleasing the other person and keeping the peace than dealing with our issues. I’m certainly not suggesting that a fight a day keeps the divorce away, or anything, but reasonable people – even ones that love each other – disagree about things sometimes. I had a female friend and at the time potential relationship wjo asked me if I fought when I was married and in relationships. I said, yeah some times, yelling included. She said that whenever she had a major fight with the person she was dating the relationship ended. I tried to discuss it but she clearly didn’t want to. even when I got mad and raised my voice I never resorted to name calling or anything like that. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/59 "2011-05-05T17:33:48Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > Immediately drop anyone who wants to change you, because such people will never, ever be happy and will forever keep trying to change you. Best to nip it in the bud while you can. This; My last long term relationship was with a woman who seemed often irritated and disappointed when I didn’t fit her particular vision of what a boyfriend ought to do, and feel, and want. I tried to compromise , and express myself, but finally had to accept that whatever it was she wanted, I wasn’t that person, and although we cared about each other, we were unsatisfied living together. I’m willing to compromise, and try to be considerate. I’m willing to acquiesce when something is important to her and not so important to me. Still, I won’t be told how I SHOULD feel, and and endure criticism and anger simply for being who I am. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739/60 "2011-05-05T17:50:04Z")
A few things I hope I’ve learned. can’t be sure until I’m in another relationship. You should be concerned about the feelings of your SO, but you are not responsible for them. You can’t make them feel anything, or they you. Be honest about your feelings and what you want , without assigning blame to anyone. Feelings are neither right or wrong for the most part. Learn to accept yourself and them. The good points and not so good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-have-you-learned-from-your-relationships/580739.md?page=4)