# What HISTORICAL figure would you assassinate, given the chance? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2008, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096 "2008-10-29T15:42:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/21 "2008-10-29T17:50:19Z")
> [@Telcontar](#): > > If the goal is to destroy Christianity, whack Paul; there’s a reason that he and Jesus tied on the list of important figures in Western Civ. Personally I’d either try to prevent WWI (see above) or decide that I didn’t have any particular right to change history. The goal isn’t to destroy Christianity, it’s to destroy the whole concept of religion. **Boyo** : See OP ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/22 "2008-10-29T17:52:35Z")
> [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > Adam Eve. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/23 "2008-10-29T17:54:38Z")
> [@Telcontar](#): > > If the goal is to destroy Christianity, whack Paul; there’s a reason that he and Jesus tied on the list of important figures in Western Civ. Personally I’d either try to prevent WWI (see above) or decide that I didn’t have any particular right to change history. Look, do you blokes have a hardon for Mithraism or something? No Paulite Christianity, and Mithraism becomes the religion of the Roman Empire. Big whoop. Then the Moors invade a few hundred years later and whichever religion wins it’s more of the same. I’m gonna have to go with Muhammed. Sure, the Arabs preserved the knowledge of antiquity and so on, but without Islam the Byzantines would have done the same. One bloodthirsty proselytizing religion is enough, we don’t need two. Remove Islam from history and maybe Europe can get its act together a bit sooner. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Call\_Me\_Shirley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Don\_t\_Call\_Me\_Shirley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Call_Me_Shirley)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/24 "2008-10-29T17:54:56Z")
I’d kill the unnamed, sick bastard from the OP when he was a child. Or, if he is under 30 (seems unlikely) I’d kill his mother. Then, I would never have been trying to kill him in the present, would never have been on the run from his minions, would never have stolen his time machine, and would never have gone back in time to kill him. But wait a minute, if I never went back in time, I couldn’t have gone back to kill him, so he must still be alive. But wait another minute… ---
**Author:** ![FallenAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@FallenAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FallenAngel)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/25 "2008-10-29T17:55:09Z")
FDR before he got a chance to forcibly inject socialist ideology and programs into the United States’ culture and politics. Henry II of England before he had a chance to invade Ireland. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/26 "2008-10-29T17:57:53Z")
> [@miamouse](#): > > [Gavrilo Princip - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gavrilo_Princip), before he assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand, The Archduke’s assassination being the reason often given for WWI, and WWI is often given as a contributing factor to Hitler’s rise and WWII, the end of which saw Israel created, and the start of all the modern wars in the Middle East. There. I’ve just created peace for the last 100 years. (until some history buff comes along and tells me I’m wrong) > > This unfortunately would definitely cause a problem in the time continuum, because my family would not have come to the states if not for the wars, and I would not have been reading this board, and not have been able to post, much less in english. I shouldn’t worry. By terms of the scenario I invited everyone to ignore, you’re creating a new timeline, not starting a sawtooth loop. You can’t get back anyway. [QUOTE=ivan astikov] Eve. [/QUOTE] Then Adam is obliged to slink back to Lilith. She insists on always having coitus cowgirl style, which Adam objects to only until she introduces him to the blowjob, and then anal. So on the one hand, the missionary position never gets a foothold; on the other hand, more blowjobs given and fewer lifelong black cherries. I’ll have to think about this. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/27 "2008-10-29T17:59:00Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Nah. We’d just end up worshipping some other guy, named Brian or something. Actually I think Zoroastrianism takes over for Christianity. About Islam I’m less sure, but somebody’d step up to the plate. No telling anyway, since your future knowledge is worthless once you kill Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/28 "2008-10-29T18:01:19Z")
> [@Don\_t\_Call\_Me\_Shirley](#): > > I’d kill the unnamed, sick bastard from the OP when he was a child. Or, if he is under 30 (seems unlikely) I’d kill his mother. > > Then, I would never have been trying to kill him in the present, would never have been on the run from his minions, would never have stolen his time machine, and would never have gone back in time to kill him. But wait a minute, if I never went back in time, I couldn’t have gone back to kill him, so he must still be alive. But wait another minute… Doesn’t strike me as a good use of a bullet, but whatever. ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/29 "2008-10-29T18:06:34Z")
> [@ivan\_astikov](#): > > Eve. _Brilliant!_ (That’s not tongue in cheek, either. Good show, mate!) ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/30 "2008-10-29T18:08:56Z")
> [@chowder](#): > > Muhammed or Jesus. > > If I get the chance of naffing off two, then it’s both of 'em. > > There: That’s cleared up the religion bollocks. Now that I think about it, I think Jesus is disqualifed under terms of the OP: he was assassinated, sort of. Fricking Italians. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/31 "2008-10-29T18:12:36Z")
> [@](#): > > The best target could be someone we don’t even know. This woman, call her Emily, is killed in a hit-and-run accident. Emily would have gone on, had she lived, to invent a cure for cancer, magic weight loss pills, and faster-than-light speed travel. I’d assassinate that driver. I read a book of alternate histories once that played with this idea. They had this woman who was famous in virtually every other version of Earth. But in our world she died unknown in childhood. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/32 "2008-10-29T18:12:48Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > Maybe Ricardo Khan, Genghis’s slightly less type A brother would actually end up more vicious/efficient? I’m assuming that was an intentional reference? Either way, it’s brilliant! ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/33 "2008-10-29T18:17:36Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > I could cheat and say Hitler’s mom before she gave birth and folks would throw a flag. Stephen Fry wrote a book called **Making History** that handles this without murder by going back into history to slip a male contraceptive pill into the well where Little Adolph’s parents get their water. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/34 "2008-10-29T18:49:36Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Now that I think about it, I think Jesus is disqualifed under terms of the OP: he was assassinated, sort of. Fricking Italians. Well no he wasn’t. Jesus was executed having been found guilty of whatever the elders of the temple decided he was guilty of. This despite the fact that Pontius Pilate could find bugger all wrong with the bloke. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/35 "2008-10-29T19:00:01Z")
> [@chowder](#): > > Muhammed or Jesus. > > If I get the chance of naffing off two, then it’s both of 'em. > > There: That’s cleared up the religion bollocks. > [@chowder](#): > > The goal isn’t to destroy Christianity, it’s to destroy the whole concept of religion. > > **Boyo** : See OP Would it be disingenuous of me to point out that the concept of religion existed long before Christ? I don’t know if there’s any way to destroy “the whole concept of religion” via assassination. ---
**Author:** ![Gukumatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/74df32/32.png) [@Gukumatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gukumatz)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/36 "2008-10-29T19:35:08Z")
Quisling. _Git_. Failing that, the authors of Leviticus. Depriving Christianity of its chief source of support for bigotry? Alright by me . . . ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/37 "2008-10-29T19:49:36Z")
> [@chowder](#): > > Well no he wasn’t. Jesus was executed having been found guilty of whatever the elders of the temple decided he was guilty of. > > This despite the fact that Pontius Pilate could find bugger all wrong with the bloke. This is revisionist propaganda on Mark’s part. Romans only used crucifixion in the provinces for crimes of sedition. What Pilate couldn’t have given a shit less about was any kind of Jewish religious offense. If Jesus was crucified, it was because he was perceived as some kind of threat to Roman authority or to the general peace. Most likely, it happened because he was stirring up shit at the temple during Passover, and the Romans were paranoid about riots during that time. Mark’s trial before the Sanhedrin was a fiction designed to deflect blame away from the Romans and avoid antagonizing them. His story is filled with so many factual and procedural errors (including a conviction of “blasphemy” for something that wasn’t blasphemous under Jewish law), that it can’t possibly be historical. In any case, I agree that killing Jesus would only have made him a martyr that much sooner. The guy to rub out would be the Tarsian tentmaker. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/38 "2008-10-29T19:54:08Z")
[Why you can’t kill Hitler](http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html). ---
**Author:** ![Gotterfunken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/58956e/32.png) [@Gotterfunken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotterfunken)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/39 "2008-10-29T19:59:35Z")
So hard to pick just one, so here’s three: Franco. Probably best to strangle him in the crib, or at least before the Spanish Civil War began in 1936. Oliver Cromwell. Probably sometime before 1649–not so much to save Charles I’s life, but to prevent Cromwell’s invasion of Ireland. [Alphonse Thiers](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolphe_Thiers). Sometime prior to the suppression of the Paris Commune in 1871. The list could go on… ---
**Author:** ![TwoTrouts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9adbd/32.png) [@TwoTrouts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwoTrouts)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/40 "2008-10-29T20:02:22Z")
> [@LurkMeister](#): > > Would it be disingenuous of me to point out that the concept of religion existed long before Christ? I don’t know if there’s any way to destroy “the whole concept of religion” via assassination. How about killing Abraham? At least then the three main troublesome religions for the Western World (Judaism and its offshoots Chritianity and Islam) would fail to develop. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096.md?page=3)